everytime i start to thjnk i am ready to get back in the dating game i have to remind myself the last time i let a man in he gave me head for three minutes and proceeded to say “i can’t believe you didn’t cum” and i still let him break my heart 😭

After divorcing a few years back and a few short relationships, I have been seeing someone that I am feeling really optimistic about.

I didn't know if I would ever be able to love again, but this is feeling like that. I'm scared, but so excited to see where this goes. 🥹

Pasta and jarred sauce with some salad.

Can I just start telling people my pronouns are "whatever the fuck you want to call me"?

I'm a cis woman but I really just don't care about my pronouns. Being mis-gendered has never bothered me as long as I'm being spoken about respectfully. I really only use she/her now because it's what I've always done. By no means does it feel necessary for me to change my pronouns but I guess I just don't see a reason to restrict myself to one option if I'm okay with any of them.

My concern is that I don't want to be disrespectful to trans and nonbinary people. Would this be like enby stollen valor or something? Does thinking like this mean that I should be questioning if I'm nonbinary? Idk. (Probably not. My sibling is nonbinary and what are the odds that my parents only created enby kids?) I think I might be a bit too autistic to fully understand gender as a concept, honestly. Or maybe I just need to stop overthinking this and go to bed. I'm getting married in May, I don't have time for a gender crisis right now so if someone else could just figure this out for me I'd really appreciate it it lol.

Not dinner, but dessert is Earl grey tea ice cream.

I’m 18 and my health has been deteriorating for the past few months. What my doctors thought was possible heart issues might be something else because i started experiencing neurological symptoms. i haven’t even had a solid treatment plan or even my chest pain relieved. all i’ve gone through is testing, testing, testing. and i’m sick and tired of it. i just want answers and for the pain to go away. it’s agonizing every single day.

i haven’t been able to focus in uni and because of my pcp’s concerns about my irregular heartbeats, i haven’t been able to get on ssri’s or adhd medication. so yeah, a total hair tangler trying to juggle school when i have executive dysfunction/task paralysis on top of my mind being fucked and preoccupied by my physical pain.

i tried opening up to my friends about my struggle per my therapist’s suggestion because i told therapist i’ve been feeling isolated. yet every time i open up it feels like being a clown on stage with a dead crowd. i sent a whole voice message to one of my friends about how i’ve been struggling with my health journey and she just left me on read. yet had the time to send tiktoks about hair hacks in the gc??? and every time i try to hint or outwardly express how difficult it’s been dealing with schoolwork and stuff. even telling them about a detail about an appointment they just brush it off.

today i tried to meet up with them so i could tell my close friends how i’ve been struggling mentally. because i’ve hit another dead end in finding a diagnosis. they told me that they’d be free at 11, then 11am rolled around. i went to the building they told me they’d be at and i text the gc “hey, where’s everybody??” and no answers. mind you it SUCKS having to walk because i start running out of breath even doing slow walking. not to mention my chest pain and tingling feet.

soooo after a while they said “oh we’re at *insert building half-way across campus*”. and i told them outright that i cannot walk that far. and that i’d be at the student center. waited for their text forever, then one of them said “oh we’re going to be at the campus library at 11:30”. so i sent “bruh” text because i already told you i cannot walk long distances. why are you now suggesting to meet up at A BUILDING that is on the far west side of campus WHEN I’M AT THE MID-POINT??? but of course i get my butt up so i go to the library. because i desperately want this off my chest. then i wait around for them. and they sent me a text saying “oh we can meet you at the student center instead, we’ll be there at 12”. so i go back to the student center, then 12 rolls around and they are a no show.

i was completely livid and just muted the group chat because i was done! it felt highly inconsiderate that they couldn’t seem to text me within an appropriate time frame instead of having these ridiculous gaps. it felt so careless considering none of them were in the middle of a class.

so, i left campus and went to ihop instead. and on my way to ihop one of them called asking where i was…they called me at 12:30… ://

sirloin tips with onions and mushrooms, alongside hashbrowns and eggs. there’s pancakes as well.

Food is caldito Tlalpeño and taquitos I shared with my coworkers.

So, I did a post 2 days ago about a guy disappearing from nowhere and ghosted me after a month of having a HUGE connection… I asked a friend if she can text him in WhatsApp just to confirm if he really blocked me and no messages are getting delivered to his phone. And last week he got his phone fixed bc his screen got broken, I’m hoping that his phone is not working lol and he prob be coming back. (Me being very naive)

But still he deleted his Reddit account so… and yesterday I had an emergency session with my therapist and I sobbed yesterday for the ENTIRE DAY guys, I felt so much guilt of not feeling enough but thanks god my therapist helped me to regulate.

My therapist said to me to wait until tomorrow and if not I got to block him and move on with my life. Idk how to feel about that, I truly want to wait for him and I feel cringey abt saying that and I know it’s wrong. That’s the truth, today I was so disperse I didn’t had the balls to block him. This has been since Sunday and I don’t know what I’m waiting for honestly. I feel this is a lost case. And I feel miserable for that.

I don’t want to feel judged but truly I had so many hope for this. I’m terrified about me grieving this. I guess the next thing is I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel so sad.

Good thing I rely on my therapist and he helped me a lot to see that the ghosting thing has nothing to do with me, but with him. And the fact that this connection was not supposed as I wanted it. And it’s fine.

This guy helped to see that there is so much value in me, I was so hurt in the past that he helped me to see so much. But this mf hurt me so yeah. I still feel confused.

TW and long post

You have a church, but you have no one to support you from there.I don't have a support network. The only people who could support me are friends, but those friends don't have what it takes to help me.They can't offer me any comfort or solutions. Things go so wrong that I don't even ask for their help because I end up feeling worse.

It's not cruelty. It's just that they genuinely can't help me. Every time they offer their help, it doesn't really help, and I end up feeling worse because I see myself going to them for help and they don't have the ability to help me.

When I say I don't have a support circle, it's because I literally have no one to lean on when I'm going through a difficult time. Talking to God doesn't help me either, and I can't do it all the time for a very specific reason that is beyond my control.

I won't mention my problems because it's a long list, and it just keeps getting longer every day. These aren't just words; it's the truth.I'm tired of dealing with this specific problem. I'm fed up; the worst part is that I can't do anything about it and I'm forced to wait.I'm tired, I'm fed up, it hurts a lot and it's something that doesn't depend on me. And I really can't do anything and the only thing I can do is be patient, that is, wait.

Waiting and enduring. I'm also fed up with mistreatment from my family; I mean, it's happened so many times that the sheer number of times is almost laughable.Sometimes I feel like God doesn't care about me.

Family. Thank you for showing me once again that I cannot trust you and that I can't get anything good from you.I feel sorry for my niece. She shouldn't have been born into this family. Poor thing, she doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. Just another victim.Anyway. There are too many problems...

Note: I love my life, so don't think about "that".

Food: coffee with milk, hot dog and a bread with butter

I’ve been living at home and working the past few years trying to get into veterinary school (if you don’t know it’s insanely competitive). I just got my first acceptance- the school is out of country so it would be super expensive, but is still a huge moment to get into any school at all. My dad is on a hunting trip and I called him because I was so excited- he started by asking if I got into the objectively “better” schools. When I told him it was the school I interviewed for already he became super mad at me and, even when I asked if he could just be excited for me, instead was harping on how i didn’t tell him I interviewed for this school and apparently only told my mom. The convo ended after him saying “okay well you’re acting….. goodbye”. This comes after months of him not paying attention to anything I’ve told him with school, constantly insisting things that he thinks are best and getting upset when I say that’s not actually true, etc. It just turned a super exciting moment for me into a really upsetting one.

I’ve been living at home and working the past few years trying to get into veterinary school (if you don’t know it’s insanely competitive). I just got my first acceptance- the school is out of country so it would be super expensive, but is still a huge moment to get into any school at all. My dad is on a hunting trip and I called him because I was so excited- he started by asking if I got into the objectively “better” schools. When I told him it was the school I interviewed for already he became super mad at me and, even when I asked if he could just be excited for me, instead was harping on how i didn’t tell him I interviewed for this school and apparently only told my mom. The convo ended after him saying “okay well you’re acting….. goodbye”. This comes after months of him not paying attention to anything I’ve told him with school, constantly insisting things that he thinks are best and getting upset when I say that’s not actually true, etc. It just turned a super exciting moment for me into a really upsetting one.

I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life stuck inside of a building for eight hours every single day, just to be rewarded with two days off — enough time for me to adjust to not being at work, enjoy myself a little bit, maybe accomplish a few tasks, and then adjust to the thought of going back to work for another five days straight.

Earning a wage that realistically should be covering more than it does, but we live in a fucked up capitalistic hellscape where everything continues to climb in price for no god damn reason, other than to enrich a few wealthy, wrinkly pieces of shit. I have also come to terms with the reality that I will probs never be able to comfortably afford to own a house :-)

Anywho, the past few months I’ve been having a really rough time with my anxiety, PMDD, and my menstrual cycle. I know I’m not special. I’ve had several deaths in the family, work has been ramping up, and some people I help at work are straight up miserable and want to make it everybody’s problem. Dealing with all of that on top of PMDD and physical pain has been atrocious.

Being that this job provides healthcare and stability, I’ve been using my PTO more and using it to not only lean into the whole “work/life balance” everybody keeps chiming in about, but to have some relief from it all and grieve the sudden deaths in my family, as well as take the time to schedule therapy appointments, secure a primary care and psychiatrist all around my new full-time Big Girl job. It was suggested that I seek some kind of medical accommodation for the time being, or FMLA.

Welp, I was given a verbal warning about my attendance the other day, the reason being that “we’re understaffed and need all hands on deck.” We are most certainly not understaffed, I’m using my PTO just like everybody else and trying to get all this shit dialed in. They all know what I’ve been dealing with and have been incredibly supportive up until that.

It’s left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m doing everything right — I’m taking the time, I’m using the PTO, I’m scheduling the appointments, I’m showing up and I’m doing my damnest, and yet I’m still unhappy, sick, and depressed.

I know I can quit and try to find something else that will give me more time outside of work, fulfill me more. Believe me I’ve been searching. I’m not giving up but god damnnnnnnnnnn I just want to be a little toad on a mushroom vibing out right now

Carnitas and barbacoa tacos for girl dinner. Thanks for reading this far and listening to me rant if you did

I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. He's always seemed like a pretty happy, curious and calm person, and he's been my rock through a really rough year involving my parents' divorce, sexual harassment at work and losing some of my closest friends. He's the first person I've truly felt I could be myself around, and I've told him a lot about my struggles and he's been incredibly supportive.

Recently, I found several boxes of antidepressants in his bathroom drawer. I wasn't snooping initially, but I'll admit I did look a little closer once I found them. I think some of them are pretty "heavy" but I'm not sure.

It made me realise that I don't really know much of the things my boyfriend struggles with. He definitely likes "darker stuff" but I mostly thought that was just an aesthetic choice and I had absolutely no idea he may be depressed.

I know his mental health is his business, and he doesn't owe me his medical history. But I can't help feeling a little hurt that I've opened up to him so much, while he apparently hasn't felt able to do the same with me.

I used to be poly, I'm not anymore. My ex kinda pushed me towards an open relationship with their kinks until it developed into full blown polyamory. It was a mess, a big one, we aren't together anymore, I'm in therapy. Now I'm monogamous with my current partner, my beautiful loving partner. I'm happy this way, I told them as much. I saw it, the twitch in their face, the tactful neutrality in their response, ugh. So I asked, because better to know now I guess. They think about it, they don't know what they want, but they think about it sometimes. Just sexually, hah. Is that better? Idk, I think it's equally heartbreaking. We haven't had the best sex life since I got pregnant (that's right, there's a baby in the mix of all of this!). Honestly, I often wonder if they enjoy sex with me all, but I guess that's a different can of worms. Oh! And they've been hinting about changing their mind on wanting a second child, something I still deeply want for myself and my son. So yea! I guess maybe we're just incompatible now, idk. I don't think they want to admit that, I know I don't. I love them, they're kind, they're clever, they're charming, they're thoughtful, they're a kick-ass parent and just a fun person. I don't wanna do any of this without them.

blueberry vanilla swirl.

My dad got brain cancer when I was 13 and it fundamentally changed my life, I’m sure people here understand. He passed away 2 years ago and I’m 24 now. I’m grappling with the feeling of loosing my “wild years” and “figuring it out” years. My mom recently got diagnosed with early onset dementia and I’ve been taking care of her. Real double whammy moment. I graduated college, got a pretty good job, but it feels so empty. I’m lucky to have the things that I have, the world is insane right now and people are suffering. Am I wrong to be feeling like I don’t want any of it? To dig a hole and sleep for months with no responsibility and no hurt. I wake up and I keep going, it’s the only thing I can control. My childhood was ripped from me in a way that wasn’t devastating, but it was on going and a constant weight of responsibility and care. I haven’t escaped it yet and it weighs on me. I’m searching for community. For people who understand and I don’t look at me with weary eyes like they will never know what to say, and hopefully won’t.

Costco chicken pot pie. I just need somewhere to dump my brain. My husband and I finally had our wedding last month (after two legal years of marriage). We had to postpone our wedding in the first place due to him losing his job thanks to the dumpster fire of the administration we have. We cut contact with a lot of people in the process due to them being happy about getting rid of “the waste” his job was, including the majority of his family. Anyway, he was able to get a job shortly after his job loss. It’s remote, makes enough money for us to get by plus my salary which is similar to his current. I have a relatively stable job, with an immense amount of room to grow, and I am doing very well in it. Got a pay raise recently, and will more than likely get a new one in a few months with a new assignment I’ll take over. But, ever since our wedding, life has been a shit show. Our landscaper did some work in our yard, and fucked it up. Like so bad, made flooding with the rain potentially worse. When we had other contractors come out their look is so concerning and told us to fire the dude immediately before he fucks it up. Basically told the landscaper to invoice us what he did and will pay him out. Quoted us for full projects that he didn’t finish, and we are disputing it and he’s threatening to take us to collections. We have everything documented, thankfully. Two weeks ago a bump on my back tripled in size. Dr says it’s MORE than likely a benign tumor, like over 90% confident, due to the placement it’s a common thing and doesn’t mean it’s cancer. But need imaging to make sure. Had an appt for tomorrow that I made yesterday. Imaging place double booked me so they called me to reschedule. Said sure. They asked why I canceled the appointment and told them to piss off because they cancelled my appointment and I have a voicemail and email to prove it. They says “sorry here’s an appt for two weeks out.” Going back to my husband, he wants to be the provider and make good money so we can pay off the house quicker, have a kid, ya know, adult stuff. While dealing with the landscaper, the doctor appointments he’s been interviewing places and just got an offer for a SIGNIFICANT amount more money at a company two hours away from us. I can’t envision myself moving to where his job will be. I lived 20 minutes away from where it would be years ago, and it is very…not our jive. I’m supportive of him, and us, and in the long run, I do think it will pan out. But now we are working through the decision of decline the job, and make enough money to barely survive every month. Or him moving there while I hold down the fort with a full time job with 10-11 hour days with two fur babies at home. I don’t know what to do. Between the collections potential, the more than likely benign tumor, and new job offer hitting me within 4 hours of each other I just don’t know what to do other than fucking cry. I know it’s not as big of an issue as some people post but fuck, I just want a normal day. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. Thanks for listening to my brain throw up. I’m tired boss.

yummy pancakes :3

mama i was 12. mama i wanted your love. mama i didn’t have a concept of that word.

she was referring to how I told her I was okay and didn’t need help. when I actually wasn’t doing okay. mama you weren’t safe to tell anything too. mama i was managing your emotions for you, how was i supposed to trust you to help with mine. mama the school would tell you, parents would tell you, I WOULD TELL you, but she felt as though I was okay!

but sure. 12 year old me gaslit you. what an evil kid.

mcdonald's chicken nuggets & fries.

tw: death, suicide, self harm

i feel stupidly ashamed and grossed out for letting myself get in such a bad state of mind. i wish i had been stronger throughout my life and battled away all the bad thoughts instead of internalizing them. i lie to myself day to day to try and stay sane.

i don't think of myself as beautiful so i try my hardest to get dolled up but i know i'll still fail and come off as a man in everyone's eyes. i'm afraid of losing friendships so i try to stay away from letting people get too close to me out of fear from being pushed away or cut off. stupidly, on the other hand i entertain multiple men at the same time knowing how all roads lead to nothing. i try to not fight with my mom but it's a bad if i do bad if i don't on and on situation, she's made it clear countless times how much she wishes i wasn't here anymore and i don't disagree. everything i am and do is just a loop of miserableness.

i feel extremely hopeless about life, i wish i could believe that things will get better one day but that's a lie i've been telling myself since i was a kid. i've noticed that over the past couple of years ive stopped pursuing my stupid childish dreams and i've focused on my transition as means of hoping this could fix my life, but i'm afraid that i might be too broken to ever feel at peace with myself. i feel so sad to know that i might never heal.

i wish i didn't believe all of the horrible
things i was called as a kid. i wish i wasn't afraid of men while simultaneously liking them. i wish i didn't allow my mom's ideas of myself get to me. i fantasize a looot about the possibility of going to heaven, im not religious but i picture it as a beautiful place free of judgement and pain, im tired of feeling this way.

to try and end this on a positive note, i think that i've been lucky to experience the purest form of love from my dog. i describe her as my heart outside of my body, she's my everything. i feel sorry for her, she deserved a better mom. she has seen me cry, get angry, hurt myself and still she approaches me with love and without judgement. sometimes things get so overwhelming for me that i push her aside and she just comes to me and it's so painful to know that she loves me so much regardless of how flawed i am.

This kind of relates to my last post, but for reference I’m in my senior year right now. So far I’ve missed homecoming and senior assassin due to my lack of friends. I’m on track to missing Halloween because I got cancelled on. I put in a lot of effort to try to make these things work because I’m sentimental and they are important to me. I’m so fucking tired of this. I relapsed because I have never felt more lonely and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Some people were telling me to join clubs and surround myself with people who enjoy doing similar things to me, but I have been doing that. For two years. I’m just unlikable. I’m sorry for complaining so much, I feel like a loser, but I have nobody to talk to anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I get lots of compliments and people tell me they think I’m cool but nobody wants to be my friend =[

Dinner, wasa crispbread and anchovies

I've been seeing this guy for about 9 months. When we met, I was in an open relationship and we matched on Tinder as a casual hookup. He had also just gotten out of a relationship about 3 months before meeting me. So it was casual and occasional for a while.

I got out of the previous relationship in May and we started seeing each other more often. At this point (October) we see each other multiple times a week and usually spend the majority of the weekend together. I told him ~2 months ago that I'm interested in being in an actual relationship, and am in love with him, and he knows my goals (finding someone to marry, wanting a family in the near future).

He's told me that he loves me (though he doesn't say it often) and could see himself marrying and having a family with me. He's always gushing about the characteristics that he loves about me and how much he loves how he feels when he's around me. He is curious about me in an un-superficial way and we have a very strong friendship connection. When we're together he's attentive and I can tell he wants to take care of me (carrying my things, getting me water, etc.). He’s also very attracted to me. I’m his plus 1 to a wedding next March.

But he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend. When we talked about it last weekend he said that he's not sure that he's in love with me but he thinks he's getting there. He said he loves me and that hanging out with me is all he thinks about all day. That what we have feels different than his relationships in the past in the way we're actually friends, and that he feels our connection growing. He said that when it comes to building a foundation for marriage family that maybe there's more important things than being head over heels in love, but that really hurt my feelings. He also said that I wasn't comfortable with where things were at I could end things.

I'm having trouble reconciling the way it feels like he feels about me from what he's saying. On the one hand I absolutely don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's not in love with me, that sounds horrible. We've been hanging out consistently for 6 months, if he doesn't feel it by now I doubt anything is going to change.

I think a character trait of his is a compulsion to be "good", and I'm afraid that the things he does are just a result of this personality trait that I'm misconstruing as love. But I also know his last relationship was tumultuous and that he wasn't looking to get into another one when he met me, and he admits he might be held back by his own anxieties.

I've received the similar feedback from previous partners that were very much in love with me though - that they fell in love with me slowly after getting to know me and it didn't feel like previous situations where they were head over heels from the start. Maybe I'm just not the kind of girl guys can fall in love with like that.

One thing he said was that he didn't understand "what made me tick as a woman", that I didn't ask him for help with that much stuff. The thing is I do think he does know, it's just not the kind of stuff that inspires a man to feel loving and protective like that. I don't really crash out over things and I'm not girly. I'm not good at opening up and don't have practice relying on others. He said one thing he loved about his ex was how emotional she was and that she always knew where she was at emotionally.

I want to be someone's dream girl, is that delusional? But at the very least I want someone who can confidently say he loves me and is in love with me.

I’m sitting here eating my lonely dinner when I should have been preparing for my dinner date tomorrow.
You know, picking out my outfit, thinking of how I want to style my hair and makeup. Nope, here I sit with my store bought roasted chicken and microwaved steamed veggies and microwaved mashed potatoes.

Okay, I’ve had a very disappointing experience with online dating recently. Finally, I felt like things were shaping up. I met this guy, let’s call him Brandon. He was full of flattery, not necessarily love bombing but just gave a lot of words of affirmation. Everything he said he was looking for magically aligned with me. We chatted several days and he offered to treat me to a date at a nice restaurant. I agreed but then came the inconsistencies. I reverse searched his phone number to make sure he wasn’t a romance scammer. The number came back registered to a woman with the same last name as him. Through further research I discovered she was his ex wife. Here is the first problem. His profile said never married and that his age was 40. After a series of questions he admitted he was actually 49 and claimed he ad divorced in 2012. He claimed Match wouldn’t let him correct his age and he selected 40 by mistake. He said he had two adult kids from his first marriage and a 6 year old son from an ex. Originally he only mentioned a 6 year old son. He told me he was taking a class to better himself…

Here is where it all fell apart. I went to our county court records and searched his name. Not only did he lie about the timeline of his divorce (it was only filed in 2012) it was granted in 2019 via default and child support was ordered via default.
It gets worse… this man has an active felony domestic violence charge, false imprisonment charge and vandalism over $400 charges from an incident this August. The judge initially granted the victim a temporary restraining order but after reviewing the evidence the restraining order was made permanent.
The class he was taking? He described it as: a parenting class about communication and respect for children. The DV case was specified as “without children”.
Whatever the details of the charges were the judge mandated him to a batterer’s group for 52 weeks and he hasn’t been sentenced yet.
I had a weird feeling about him but I was sure why. Needless to say to say I unmatched and blocked him and thankfully I used a voip number and an alias so he doesn’t know my information.

Dinner is mashed potatoes topped with Monterey Jack cheese, roasted mango habanero chicken and steamed veggies.

Dinner is shaken beef and garlic noodles but I obviously subsitooted(lol) it for chicken

I have to get this off my chest. There’s so many damn pregnancy symptoms that no one talks about. Of course we hear about the nausea, fatigue, hormone shifts etc BUT DEAR GOD. I have been blowing up my damn bathroom and I almost feel bad for my husband( not really cause he got me pregnant so it’s his fault) it’s worse because our bathroom is connected to our room and the smell leaks out. It’s so bad if I go to the bathroom and have to come back for something I have to hold my breath. I’m not saying I used to be huffing my farts but I deadass cannot stay in the room after. I have to get up and move. I almost gassed myself out of my car this morning. I seriously had to open the window and put my face partially out. I feel like one giant fart/ stink cloud. It’s like something crawled up there and died. Sorry if this is gross and sorry if you’re eating. I just needed to share this PSA

Dinner is Ritz crackers because I'm not hungry

My siblings and I grew up in foster care starting at 8 after my mom left, my dad completely neglected us, and his new girlfriend (mother to all but myself and my older sister) was abusive and intellectually disabled. I aged out of my abusive foster home at 18, somehow scraped my way through college on my own, and became a nurse. I’m 27 now and I’d like to think I've built a good life for myself despite everything I've gone through.

When I was 22 my bio aunt talked me into reconnecting with my dad. Turns out he was still with that same girlfriend and they’d had three more kids together, all with various developmental delays. He learned nothing from his mistakes and continued to make bad choices.

He’s spent his whole life ignoring his health and his kids' health. A year ago, doctors found a mass on his lung. He ignored it. Naturally, it progressed, and now the cancer has spread to his bones, pelvis, and kidney. He told the doctors he wants everything done, save him at all costs. But I’m a nurse. I see what full code looks like on someone this sick, and I know his prognosis is basically zero. He's in horrific pain and the only thing that would touch it would be comfort measures. The care team brought up hospice, but he refused.

Today he was rushed back to the hospital unable to breathe and ended up in the ICU. The doctor called me with the updated metastases and asked me to come in tomorrow to "make some decisions." He suggested I look into "calling out of work for a few days" as well.

I know exactly what that means.

My aunt is too sick and elderly to handle this, his girlfriend is currently MIA with the minor kids, and his other children are either adopted or completely no-contact. So by default, it all falls on me. The younger kids are going to end up in foster care too and I'll have to be the one to tell them that our dad is dying.

Tomorrow I’m going in to tell the ICU team to shift him to full comfort care and focus solely on pain management, even if it shortens his remaining time. He spent my entire life making terrible decisions for himself and the people around him. Tomorrow is the last decision I’ll ever have to make involving him, and I'll make sure it's the right one.

Reupload, altered some wording. Obligatory disclaimer; being treated like inspiration porn is not actually enviable or pleasant. I just feel really terrible about myself and the complete lack of progress I've made.

In a little under 6 months, I'll be 25 with no accomplishments or potential or plans. Legally, I've been entitled to do whatever I want for the past 6 years, with nothing to show for it. I feel simultaneously more panicked and more paralyzed the older I get. I'm wording this very carefully so as not to violate the sub rules, but I did not expect to ever experience being 18, let alone 24. And it's like I don't know what to do with myself since it was never in my plans. I don't understand how to recover or build a life for myself. Everything feels so hard all the time and I can't envision anything good ever happening.

I finished my Associates degree last year as a first gen student, but I'm not in the position to get a Bachelors, which is my only lifelong dream as someone who grew up in poverty. I struggle with keeping a job long-term. Without a higher degree, I've gotten customer service jobs almost exclusively. I don't cope well with the noise, the social aspects, the unpredictability. I just got a new position after a long search, and it pays $13/hr, no benefits.

I don't have a drivers license because my mother refused to let me learn in high school. Practice is inconsistent, and the anxiety I have around driving definitely doesn't help. It's one of my most significant barriers to independence. Most people manage it just fine when they're 15, and I'm a grown adult woman struggling with it. It's humiliating. Other people my age beat themselves up because they've been overlooked for a promotion or they're struggling with grad school or whatever. But I haven't even hit the basic milestones of a high schooler. I hate myself for it. I feel broken. I feel like my childhood ruined me and I'll never have any value.

The condensed version is that I was molested by my father. I also grew up around a lot of substance abuse, a really terrifying and restrictive mother, homicidal stepfather, etc. But I think my history with my father had the biggest impact. The abuse started futher back than I can remember, so there is no "before" for me. I've never even felt human. Even when I was little, I felt like there was a glass wall between myself and everyone else. It's like everyone else got an instruction manual on personhood, and I missed out. I have no idea what it's like to be normal or innocent, and I never will.

I feel that I've proved my childhood right, if that makes sense. I was born worthless, and I'm still worthless. I didn't overcome anything. I didn't make anything of myself. I'm never going to inspire or uplift anyone. I'm just like my mother, miserable and poor and traumatized, no aspirations or accomplishments, and I can't even get the hell out of her apartment. I feel so on edge around her that just hearing her footsteps hurts my bones. I have to put so much effort every day into being casual and friendly with her. Maybe professional help would be good, but I can't afford it. I don't know what to do or how to get better.

I feel stuck and I know that it's my own fault. The things that feel so hard to me are easy for everyone else. I would be fine if I could just pull myself together like a normal person. Every day, I end up thinking about how much better my time on earth would be spent by someone else.

TLDR I haven't recovered from my childhood at all and I've done literally nothing with my life. 👍

Repost because I was accidentally advertising the brand of my food lol. Dinner tonight is limon potato chips.

Woke up at 5 this morning to drive several hours to a pain specialist. I've had chronic migraines for the last 15+ years that I just haven't gotten any real help with from all the local doctors/specialists I've seen. I've also had neck/shoulder pain the past year thats steadily gotten unbearable even though everyone I've seen for it said my scans showed nothing wrong so theres no reason for it to be hurting.

The whole appointment was overwhelming. They had sheets upon sheets of intake paperwork for me and then a different set just for migraine pain. My neurologist never asked for any of this. I didn't even know how to fill half of it out. How many migraines on average a month? Headaches? Migraine symptoms without pain? What was your average pain level?

I dunno, man. A lot. Debilitating. I've just been trying to get through this day by day, I can't even think monthly. I have poor interoception too, so beyond I'm in pain I struggle a lot to name it.

My doctor was this nice looking, younger woman and while I was able to tell her what I have been prescribed before, most of what she said went over my head. Different drug classifications, nerve blocks, physical therapy. Other stuff I can't even remember. She was really nice the whole time but I just felt lost. I've been struggling with migraines for over a decade and have gone to multiple doctors and neurologists trying to get help, and most of what she was saying was brand new to me.

She did a full physical on me and asked me in depth questions about all my symptoms and tested my reflexes and examined my neck and had me do all kinds of weird movements. Girls, my last neurologist didn't even take my blood pressure!

Apparently I have occipital migraines and possible secondary cervicogenic headaches. Shes ordering me more scans, scheduled me an occipital nerve block, putting me in physical therapy, and wanting me to see a new neurologist that she recommends in that city. She said we'll see about more treatment after the nerve block and scans.

No doctor has ever even told me the type of migraine I had before. It wasn't like my old doctors didn't believe me. They did. I got different scans over the years and I got thrown a lot of different preventative meds that. never. worked. But it was like they weren't seeing me? They just heard "migraine" and went oh okay try this. Oh you had that already? Try this then. Rinse and repeat. This doctor actually looked at me.

It feels like I should be happy. She listened! Diagnosed me! Is throwing several new treatments at me even!

But I just feel lost and angry and grieving almost. Like this doctor was so nice and so knowledgeable and I've been in pain for goddamn years and instead of proper help Ive been surrounded by incompetent doctors who didn't seem to care!! I'm upset she was so attentive because it made me realize all my other doctors weren't.

I feel really really naive. Of course those other doctors didn't care. It's why I kept switching, kept trying to get more scans, kept trying to find a different, better doctor. But I feel stupid seeing how stark the actual difference between a doctor who really listened to me and all the others who barely consulted my chart. This hours drive away pain specialist was a bit of a last hope, but I feel dumb for not looking at places further out sooner.

I dunno. I don't even want to get my hopes up that any of this will even work. It feels like I literally cant get my hopes up. I'm just so tired and so rundown. I'm angry at every doctor Ive ever seen and I'm tired and I dont want to do more scans and go to these new referrals. I know this is a completely different treatment plan than Ive had before, but I just want this shit over. I feel ungrateful about getting this help even!! Like, here you go! Here's that new treatment plan you wanted! What do you mean you arent happy??

It feels like Ive been running on a hamster wheel only to get off and realize theres a whole marathon I gotta complete now. Like, yeah, maybe I will finally get somewhere now. But I'm freakin tired from going in circles and I don't wanna do more okay!!!!

Ugggghh. Just wanted to get all that out I guess.

Dinner: x2 clementines, thin pretzels, peanut butter, and bourbon on the rocks

Listen. I need to scream into the void a little..

I just got out of a 12 year relationship (its own story for another time). I moved 1000 miles away to another state and another town where I know no one.

I've tried to make the best of it - to be open minded, strike up conversations with strangers, embrace the chaos. And honestly, for the last two weeks, that approach has worked pretty well.

Until tonight.

I had a weird interaction with a man at the dog park.

He asked for my number and while it was weird I found myself unable to say no.

And then it got worse.. he asked me to concerts, and to dinner.

I'm uncomfortable.

I dodged it the best I could, but why couldn't I just say no?

I'm sad I didn't realize where the conversation was going sooner

My Spidey senses are off after 12 years I guess..

I'm anxious.

I'm sad.

I'm mad that I let myself get put into that position.

..cheers, y'all.

It’s been a real bummer to get on here almost every day and read the horrendous behavior some people are putting up with from their partners. I’m not blaming you, but damn, it’s rough seeing it nonstop.

I do have sympathy and empathy for you, queens.

It’s been a rough year for me, but man I’ve grown a ton so just want to come shoutout some of my own wins.

- got out of a fuck ass situationship and blocked him on everything and never looked back

- quit a shit job with the worst micromanaging boss I’ve ever had. Have I found a no job yet? No, but I’m looking. Sometimes you gotta just make space.

- I’m not so close to my family, but I’ve done so much hard work in therapy this year. So much work on letting go of anger I’ve held for years and years and years. Fuck it’s been hard but I realized it was hurting me the most.

- reconnecting with my spirituality in such a profound way this year through not having a relationship and clearing out space in my life.

- applying for PhD programs after taking a 4 year break from my last traumatic grad school experience. Fuck yeah, I’m proud and I’m scared but I’m doing it full force.

- finally got sober from the devil’s lettuce after 7 years of heavy, daily use.

- happy and loving being single, even if it does feel kinda isolating or lonely sometimes. I’m embracing it. I realize so many women in generations before us didn’t always have the opportunity to say no; the privilege of saying no. So this year I’ve been exercising my NO proudly and loudly and often. To friendships that no longer fit, to fuck ass men who try to get everything for nothing, to jobs that suck your soul.

Here’s to all the ladies out there who feel this, I know you’re out there. Perception is reality and I’m finally feeling good in my life. Not everything is going perfectly, but hey, that’s life right? I’m here for the ride and it feels good to see the beauty in life all around me. So many of you give me hope when I see your comments and how much you talk about your growth, leaving hard situations, etc.

Food is turkey sloppy joes and tomato soup because it’s finally chilly and fall-like where I live. Another reason to celebrate.

Dinner is apple slices with Philadelphia no bake cheesecake filling and caramel drizzle.

This is my first time posting on Reddit. My favorite Reddit podcast (Reddit on Wiki) reads from this subreddit a lot so I came here to vent!

I (25F) have a friend that I’ve known since 6th grade (also 25F). For most of that time, we’ve been best friends. We never had fights or disagreements. We’re those kind of friends that aren’t attached at the hip, we don’t talk every day, we don’t hug or take many pics together, but we just understood each other.

This all changed a few years ago when she got married. She turned into a straight up pick me girl. Your typical wants every man’s attention, mansplains, and acts like she’s better than those around her.

About a year ago, her and her husband started living separately due to work but are still “happily” married. She started talking about another guy in her life a lot but like I said, ever since she’s gotten married, she’s craved male attention so I didn’t think much of it. That was until she admitted to me that her and this guy were sleeping together. She basically lives with this guy now and her husband has no idea.

Now, that’s bad as is. But, here’s the part that really gets to me. I’ve had an on and off again relationship with a guy for almost a year (He’s very toxic but that’s a whole other story). She does not like this guy. She didn’t like him even before things between him and I got bad. From the start she’s made racist comments about him. A few months ago, she told me if I kept talking about him, she’d block me. I thought it was a joke, however, I’ve tested the waters a few times since then and if I mention him, she’ll completely ignore the comment and change the subject. It’s so frustrating that she can go on and on about her affair partner but I can’t talk about someone that I’m rightfully dating.

She lives a few hours from me, but only initiates hanging out when other plans fall through. Example: asks me to go to a concert because her other friend can’t make it, asks me to go to a wedding because she doesn’t want to go with her husband, says she’ll come to town so we can go out since her AP is out of town and she has nothing better to do. I’m always a back up plan.

All of these things make me feel so bad about myself. The way she treats me sucks. I’m tired of being the sidekick to her main character energy. Usually communication is key, but I know if I talk to her about this, it’s going to make things worse. I can see the gas being lit ya know. I’m also disappointed with myself for not cutting her off the second the racism started. I know based on all of this, losing her as a friend doesn’t seem like a bad thing so I don’t know why I still put up with this. Or why I’m so scared to end the friendship. Any advice is appreciated.