Hey everyone, shooting my shot here as an English Major from Iran. I don't have much to say because life hasn't been allowing me to do much or say much, and recent months have been a constant downward spiral both economically and just... generally.
it's still a mystery to me how I've managed to stay sane enough to write this today. I lose my dear sister a year ago to suicideāit wasn't her first attempt, and I had been there every single time. I've tried, over and over, hoping for a different outcome but it all ended with me losing a great piece of my life. she wasn't the best person but she was still my sister. she was still the person who I played most of my games with, who I shared the same taste in music, my free time, my passion, everything. and suddenly that light is gone, suddenly there isn't that person to look forward to, there isn't that patener of a long time, there isn't... anything.
Even though it was September last year I haven't been able to form a coherent thought since I still haven't been able to create the art I want since that damned day I haven't even been able to enjoy games, even my favourite ones that I played with her, without breaking down or losing interest or just forgetting about it.
I have been trying to distract myself with my classes and fill the gap in my heart with friends and doing a few things now and then but nothing has ever felt right. there was always something missing, or even the simplest reminder of a Persons or Character has given me a hard time to get through a movie or book or anything really. I still try to push through it, I still try to enjoy them for what they are but it's hard. it really is.
I have been better, or getting better since, I still have some wonderful people around me. I'm making art again even though it's not as good and efficient as before I can finally listen to new music and trying new things without breaking all over again and feeling sick with melancholia. and new things, giving up on so many old habits and favourite things, are the things keeping me sane.
Parents aren't any better with any of it. they are downright terrible when it comes to understanding, they never have been it's not even a case of a grieving family. they are great at breaking my heart and dimming my joy for passions and telling me I have nothing been but a failure or not better than hers. That I haven't been living up to their expectations, that they expected me to have gotten over it by now. and I'm tired. I'm tired of them telling me what I should be feeling or not, I'm tired of them pushing me for greater grades, I'm tired of them telling me to kill my artistic skills for something practical and not helping me through it.
Which I guess in it's own is the main reason why Hitman clicked with me the way it did. even though the game is filled with character deaths and murders and... of course, Suicide of a major character who had the most impact on the main character that left me reeling and angry... I had my ways of dealing with that anger. of putting my brain to work again. I had the chance of trying again and again but getting different results this time. I wasn't stuck with the same methods, I wasn't stuck with the game or a voice holding my hand telling me what to do, and it was refreshing. amidst of people telling me I should've done better people telling me to do this or that of people controlling my life this freedom was all I could've asked for.
I thought that's all I thought the game had to offer, and I didn't expect it to get very philosophical and existential halfway through. but it helped me even more, as a person, as someone who is grieving, as someone who is trying to find themselves again. it would be funny if I said that I felt very close with a genetically modified murderer but maybe sometimes is like that. maybe stories don't have to be the exact same to get that feeling across. But hearing the character make decisions, however reckless they were, and insisting that they were his choice... really connected with me. and I guess it would be even funnier to mention that I'm probably one of the only people who cared about the story and history behind this game as much as I cared about the gameplay.
the questions and notes that the game leaves for you to pick up made me sit for a while and think about them. about who I am, who I want to be, what defines me? and whether that past is everything that defines me. there's a major juxtaposition bwteen the main character and, unironically, the same major character who also took their own life. and it's all about how memories makes us human, how it's our guilt and past makes us human. without them we are just a blank state going with the flow. and as much as I have wanted to forget and to forgive, as much as I wanted to move on, I cannnot. and maybe, maybe I shouldn't.
thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry if it's fragmented, I'm sorry if it's not worded correctly.
maybe I should wait another year, maybe I should spend twenty years thinking about what I have done right or wrong, and maybe I can achieve what I want. even if it takes another five years, or ten, or twenty. maybe I'll never get the answers I want maybe I'll never be who I want to be, maybe I can never never let go and become another bitter old man. but I would be human. I wouldn't have to fit inside the mold they've been curating for me. and that's.... fine. it's my decision. it's my life.
No ones untouchable.
https://steamcommunity.com/id/rkgk344/
https://store.steampowered.com/app/1659040/HITMAN_World_of_Assassination/ (regional price is 20.70 USD š)