Iām tired of the suggestion that gay men and lesbians shouldnāt be allowed to define our own sexual orientation, maintain our own spaces, or discuss who our communities are intended to serve without being accused of gatekeeping.
So letās be specific about what those boundaries actually mean.
1. Homosexuality is about sex-based attraction.
Gay men are men who are exclusively or predominantly attracted to other men. Lesbians are women who are exclusively or predominantly attracted to other women.
Our sexual orientation isnāt determined by political beliefs, gender stereotypes, clothing, personality, or whether we conform to traditional masculinity or femininity.
Same-sex attraction is a meaningful reality, and we should be able to describe it without being pressured to change our language.
2. Gender nonconformity does not automatically mean someone is transgender.
A feminine boy can grow up to be a gay man. A masculine girl can grow up to be a lesbian.
Neither needs to reject their sex or pursue medical transition simply because they donāt fit societyās expectations of masculinity or femininity.
Young people deserve the freedom to explore their personalities, sexuality, and gender expression without being pushed toward any predetermined identity or medical outcome.
3. Sexual boundaries are not discrimination.
No gay man or lesbian owes anyone romantic attraction, sexual access, or an explanation for their sexual preferences.
People can recognize and respect someoneās gender identity while also acknowledging that physical sex characteristics matter to some peopleās attraction.
Consent includes the right to say no, without guilt, pressure, or accusations of prejudice.
4. Gay and lesbian spaces should be allowed to maintain a clear purpose.
Organizations, discussion groups, social gatherings, and support networks established around same-sex attraction should be able to keep that experience central to their mission.
That doesnāt mean other LGBT people are enemies or that every space must exclude people with overlapping identities.
It means a gay menās group should be able to focus on gay menās experiences, and a lesbian group should be able to focus on lesbian experiences, without constantly being expected to represent everyone.
5. Shared political interests donāt erase meaningful differences.
Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people can face overlapping forms of discrimination, but our experiences are not interchangeable.
Sexual orientation and gender identity are different concepts. We should be able to discuss those differences openly, including disagreements over terminology, healthcare, and public policy.
Solidarity should not require ideological conformity.
6. We should protect young people from both homophobia and rigid gender expectations.
A boy who is feminine shouldnāt be shamed for being feminine. A girl who is masculine shouldnāt be made to feel defective.
And neither should be pressured to identify as gay, straight, or transgender before theyāve had the opportunity to understand themselves.
Careful, individualized support matters. So does recognizing that some young people genuinely experience gender dysphoria.
7. Our community should allow disagreement without automatically treating it as hatred.
Gay men and lesbians should be able to question activist positions, discuss the meaning of homosexuality, and advocate for sex-based language without automatically being branded hateful.
Likewise, disagreement should never become an excuse to harass or demean transgender people.
We need room for serious conversations, not ideological purity tests.
Hereās my bottom line:
Gay and lesbian identity should remain meaningfully connected to same-sex attraction. Our sexual autonomy is nonnegotiable. Our community spaces should be able to maintain their intended focus. And our history should not be rewritten to suggest that homosexuality was ever simply about rejecting gender stereotypes.
None of this requires denying anyone elseās humanity or civil rights.
My question to other gay men and lesbians: Where do you believe the boundaries of our community should be drawn, and have we become too reluctant to defend them?