I’m not even 30 and I have chronic pain from various medical conditions. I’ve had injuries growing up but not any that wouldn’t heal with proper rest and care. But I was never allowed to rest and rarely received care, and now the injuries have evolved into a poltergeist. My body truly fell apart when I went NC with my family. While emotionally I’ve improved so much, nothing has worked to heal my body. I feel like I sacrificed my body to do everything that was demanded of me.

Now that I finally have the freedom I’ve always wanted, I’m trapped in a broken body. It’s hard to reconcile that I’m so happy yet so miserable. Everyone tells me I’m too young to have these problems out of ignorant sympathy. My body has aged beyond my years because I was forced to become something I was never meant to be. All the evil is gone now but the mark still remains. My body remembers things that my mind never could, every memory I locked away to preserve myself nested into my breaking frame. While I’ve cleared out the filament, the frame is still broken. Yet I would prefer the trauma to haunt my aching bones than for it to live in my soul.

Does anyone else feel like this? What’s helped you through it? I’ve had a terrible flare up this month and would love some encouragement if anyone has any :)

Samhain is just around the corner. I wanted to write about grief because I’ve experienced my fair share of it. But when I sat down to write this piece, I resisted the process. It’s not because I don’t want to talk about grief. It’s the part later in the piece where I talk about the living dead. The ones we’ve lost along the way for whatever reason.

That wound was glaring at me while I struggled to put into words a death unlike any other I had experienced. Grief means something different for each of us, and I can be polite about it, but when has grief ever been polite?

Grief …

You’re smiling one instant, then crying when the scent of that dish takes you back to those warm afternoons in your grandma’s kitchen.

Or when I sing, and I can hear remnants of my grandparents in my voice. And my song gets stuck in my throat, and I cannot help but cry. It’s like being with them one more time.

The cracks get bigger, more abrupt. Sometimes, they’re startling. Other times, they’re beautiful.

I remember the days when we laughed until we cried. The moments Grandma’s head would nod off during a movie she wanted to watch. She would wake up annoyed with herself. “Ooh, good grief,” she would say. I would smile because it didn’t matter that she nodded off. She was there, with me.

She was always there with me.

It’s difficult not to shed a tear as I write this because the love I feel for them will never die. And while they are not here with me any longer, I carry pieces of them every day in the things I do, the words I speak, the songs I sing, the art I create.

I see pieces of my ancestors in the mirror. My grandpa’s goofy ears. My grandma’s smile. And I see pieces of the living dead staring back at me as well. My father’s look, my mom’s eyes, the gentleness of my brother.

A different grief meets me there.

The one we rarely speak of.

The living dead.

Loved ones who left our lives in a void so vast we only hear our words echoing back. We continue to live as if we never knew one another. Every year around Halloween, I remember you. I cry. And I wonder if you are okay.

Being away from you means I can breathe easier because I can be me. I can make choices for my life that don’t involve figuring out how to survive your chaos, or live up to your religious rules. I can see myself through the lens of love rather than the lens of condemnation.

Remember all the times I tried to be smaller? Quieter? More pleasing? Or how choosing to have a relationship with my mother meant I couldn’t have a relationship with my brother? Which led me to having no relationship with the three of you. A toxic cocktail of religion, affairs, lies, and egos broke our home, and I am done dying trying to mend things you refuse to acknowledge.

I can’t make you heal. I am unable to change your life for you. The only thing I can control is the choices I make to heal myself, to protect my peace, and the thing I hate most is that for me to feel safe, I had to step away from you.

We often think we have more time, especially with those who are still alive. “I’ll call them tomorrow.”

Another year passes, and another year I have not seen nor heard from you.

I have no grave to visit. No phone to ring. My letters pleading for healing go unanswered, and I have come to a place of radical acceptance.

Through my grief, I face something I never anticipated facing: accepting that my family is broken and that no path to reunion exists because you would also have to face yourself, and you refuse. I cannot carry this alone.

I have to let go. Letting go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

But the silence remains because living with a ghost is easier than dying in your presence.

Somewhere, you’re living your life … with beauty, I hope. I often wonder if you think of us as we think of you. Does my brother also cry occasionally, remembering the late nights the three of us sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea and laughing? Or are we nothing to you now?

Grief has met me in many forms throughout my life. The worst has been living, knowing that somewhere out there, I have loved ones I no longer know.

This Samhain, I remember my grandparents from the other side, and I remember my loved ones who are living a different death.

I light the candles.

I greet you by name.

And in remembrance, I honor you, wherever you may be. I wish you love and healing, and maybe in another life, we can find our way home to one another.

-------------------------------------

I wanted to share this here because I know so many in this group understand this specific, silent kind of grief. Wishing you all peace as the seasons change.

NC with mother & brother & LC with my father. My sister is my best friend 💜

Last week my father and I had a very heated argument and after the call ended I said I wouldn't be around for the weekend, he responded by saying that he thinks we should take a break (I agreed).

He asked today if I felt like talking to him. I said not yet and then followed it up with "I will reach out when that changes" and then I realised I could let it be that. I could just stop letting him be part of my life.

I did warn my father at the end of last year when I visited him that I considered his behaviour during the visit unacceptable, that it hurt me considerably and that if it continued I would distance myself from him. He informed me he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour but requested that I tell him before I decide to distance myself, I pointed out I already had and his response was to declare he didn't need to change.

For the past 10 months I have been trialing low contact. He has been behaving in progressively weirder ways towards me, as if trying to provoke a fight. Well he finally got the fight last Friday.

He's not as extreme as other abusive fathers. While he did use corporal punishment, it was always over a clothed backside and never left bruises. Punching walls, getting into screaming matched with my mom and belittling her was more harmful than getting spanked. Although his reaction to me coming out as trans and leaving my ex-wife was to demand a paternity test (which he blamed my mother for needing as it was her fault he questioned being my father. I was 36 when he did this).

I know this question is asked a lot, but am I doing the wrong thing by not explaining to him more clearly why I'm doing this?

I was in the wrong to speak to him how I did last Friday. I could claim extenuating circumstances, but it won't change that I shouldn't have. I'm not going no contact because of last week's events. That was the inciting incident rather than the cause. Realising that I grew up in a violent and abusive household has been something I've been grappling with for months (and need to start addressing in therapy) and is ultimately the real cause for the no contact. Last week simply revealed that low contact was no longer viable.

Hi everyone I just joined this group today because I received a letter from my grandmother. I haven't spoken to any of my family since end of April and it was really hard for a couple months but ultimately it was long overdue. Long story short my parents were pretty terrible and the rest of the family never did anything to help and just said "that's how they are". So I cut them out of mine and my daughters life. But the reason I am writing this post is because today I received the second letter from my grandma since going no contact and I dont know what im even supposed to do. The letter says "would you please call me? If I dont hear from you, I will assume you are not okay, because this just isn't normal. Not like you at all." And a part of me feels bad for not speaking to my grandparents but at the same time I just dont want contact with anybody. Any advice would help a lot. Thanks

I'm estranged from my dad because of childhood and then ongoing emotional abuse. I know people on here will understand and I don't have to prove myself but he really is a nasty narcissistic man.

I also cut myself off from my my uncle and aunt (his brother) as they were incredibly nasty to me about my abusive dad last Christmas. At a time of vulnerability (I was days off my due date with second child, amongst other more complex things happening at home)

My grandma who I was close to and raised me in more ways than my parents did growing up died a few days ago.

I can't go to the funeral as I have CPTSD from my dad's abuse and I literally don't think I would cope(he will be there, he is her son). Made even worse by the thought of seeing my uncle and aunt and then they're daughters who will have no doubt taken their side aswell as my dad's and will probably act like I'm some villain and get upset by my presence. Which is incredibly ironic.

The issue is. I have a 7 year old daughter who was close to my grandma and saw her like her own grandma who wants to go. She was very upset about the thought of not going. I have tried to explain to her we can say goodbye in other ways but she's really not having it. She really wants to go.

Also my grandad. Who I am very close to will also be upset at me not going. He understands my dad is abusive to a degree and always she's he's on my side. But he's very old and he also just wants to keep the peace with everyone etc.

I've thought about my husband just taking her but he will really struggle mentally. I've thought about someone else in the fault taking her to the wake but it seems like a lot to ask when they're navigating their grief themselves to look after my child.

Every option I look at I will be seen as the bad guy/ I will let someone down or upset someone. But I know it will knock me massively if I go to any of it and I will be around multiple toxic family members.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I am a 22F who was kicked out at 17, went to college, lived states away from my parents from 17 to 22, and maintained minimal contact with them. For clarity, from 17-20, I did not talk to either parent. At 20, my relationship became serious, and while thinking of my family structure and relating it to my future, I decided it would be less stress to keep minimal contact with my parents.

However, from 20-22, my parents have acted in significantly worse ways from my childhood. I was physically and emotionally abused, food was withheld from me, and CPS was constantly in my life. My parents divorced and married equally as evil partners during my childhood as well. To paint a picture: my mother and stepfather are swingers, continue having a relationship with my pedophile brother, and my mother allowed my stepfather to abuse us my entire life. My father is a drug addict, also a pedophile, and recently married his 4th wife who is younger than me.

I’ve struggled my whole life with picking the “better” parent. But honestly, they both suck. However, no contact with your parents also sucks. I’m sure many in this subreddit can understand that feeling, missing parents you never really had. Missing the “idea” of parents, when the ones you have suck.

Since I am relatively young, if anyone can give me advice as I go into my adulthood I would appreciate it. I’ve been reflecting much on this as I am getting married in about two months and starting my own family. I don’t want to deprive my child of grandparents completely, but is it worth the stress? Either outcome adds stress. I was deprived of my grandparents due to abuse, and it breaks my heart as I take care of my lovely grandparents now. You can love people without agreeing with them, but that is very hard for me. Any advice appreciated.

TLDR: My narcissistic (or something, they’re fucked) parents suck and I’m debating between no-contact or minimal contact and how that will impact my future family.

Curious for perspectives on this from my fellow estranged adult children.

A few years ago, I began unpacking my relationships in my family more deeply and came to understand how parentified/neglected I was as a child and how my parent’s behavior now that I’m an adult is often toxic/unhealthy or otherwise very unpleasant.

Since then, I can’t shake the fact that I can’t trust anyone in my family, and my instinct is to distance myself to an extreme. I’m very low contact with my dad, who is an insane MAGA guy—he doesn’t even know that my partner and I welcomed a child through adoption several months ago because he refuses to get vaccinations and I don’t want his racist influence around my kid. My grandmother is becoming more cruel as time goes on; during our most recent visit, she criticized my lack of contact with my dad and asked how my brother got so fucked up…the brother she was referencing died last year btw. I believe my mom is trying her best but every time I give her an ounce of emotional support, she takes a mile and we return to parentified territory once again. I want nothing more than to have a healthy, loving extended family, but I often think about if my life would be better if I cut everyone off completely. However, this isn’t realistic for me—I have several younger siblings who I care for and want to guide in the right direction. So instead, I’m just stuck in the thought spiral of grief and anger that I’ll never have a sense of peace when it comes to the family I grew up with.

I see a lot of posts about people reconciling with their family or maintaining some level of shallow contact, which makes me think the urge to disconnect from my family entirely is an overreaction on my part. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I can’t help but tell myself that things weren’t or aren’t “that bad” compared to other people, even though there are stories from my childhood and adulthood that are clearly neglectful or abusive or just horribly bad parenting. Anyone else find themselves in this limbo and thought spiral space with your family?

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s so much. I need to make my point in a way that won’t make me sound like a pushover but also won’t piss him off.

I’m angry at him for leaving me with my mother. I’m mad he let me experience homelessness because I couldn’t reach him for help. I’m angry he never wanted to see me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him over the phone in twelve years. All our communication was over Facebook messenger until I blew up at him in 2021 and we haven’t spoken or texted since until today. I’m mad it feels like he doesn’t want me around ever.

I can’t just tell him to screw off (as much as I want to) because I need to be on good terms with my grandma. I’m pretty sure if I tell my dad to F off she will murder me (kinda joking. Kinda).

Finally, I don’t want our relationship to just be us texting once every six months. I am not a science project to keep enough tabs on for a second grade science report and then forget about, but that’s how I feel.

I have no idea how to say all that concisely. Please advise.