Samhain is just around the corner. I wanted to write about grief because I’ve experienced my fair share of it. But when I sat down to write this piece, I resisted the process. It’s not because I don’t want to talk about grief. It’s the part later in the piece where I talk about the living dead. The ones we’ve lost along the way for whatever reason.

That wound was glaring at me while I struggled to put into words a death unlike any other I had experienced. Grief means something different for each of us, and I can be polite about it, but when has grief ever been polite?

Grief …

You’re smiling one instant, then crying when the scent of that dish takes you back to those warm afternoons in your grandma’s kitchen.

Or when I sing, and I can hear remnants of my grandparents in my voice. And my song gets stuck in my throat, and I cannot help but cry. It’s like being with them one more time.

The cracks get bigger, more abrupt. Sometimes, they’re startling. Other times, they’re beautiful.

I remember the days when we laughed until we cried. The moments Grandma’s head would nod off during a movie she wanted to watch. She would wake up annoyed with herself. “Ooh, good grief,” she would say. I would smile because it didn’t matter that she nodded off. She was there, with me.

She was always there with me.

It’s difficult not to shed a tear as I write this because the love I feel for them will never die. And while they are not here with me any longer, I carry pieces of them every day in the things I do, the words I speak, the songs I sing, the art I create.

I see pieces of my ancestors in the mirror. My grandpa’s goofy ears. My grandma’s smile. And I see pieces of the living dead staring back at me as well. My father’s look, my mom’s eyes, the gentleness of my brother.

A different grief meets me there.

The one we rarely speak of.

The living dead.

Loved ones who left our lives in a void so vast we only hear our words echoing back. We continue to live as if we never knew one another. Every year around Halloween, I remember you. I cry. And I wonder if you are okay.

Being away from you means I can breathe easier because I can be me. I can make choices for my life that don’t involve figuring out how to survive your chaos, or live up to your religious rules. I can see myself through the lens of love rather than the lens of condemnation.

Remember all the times I tried to be smaller? Quieter? More pleasing? Or how choosing to have a relationship with my mother meant I couldn’t have a relationship with my brother? Which led me to having no relationship with the three of you. A toxic cocktail of religion, affairs, lies, and egos broke our home, and I am done dying trying to mend things you refuse to acknowledge.

I can’t make you heal. I am unable to change your life for you. The only thing I can control is the choices I make to heal myself, to protect my peace, and the thing I hate most is that for me to feel safe, I had to step away from you.

We often think we have more time, especially with those who are still alive. “I’ll call them tomorrow.”

Another year passes, and another year I have not seen nor heard from you.

I have no grave to visit. No phone to ring. My letters pleading for healing go unanswered, and I have come to a place of radical acceptance.

Through my grief, I face something I never anticipated facing: accepting that my family is broken and that no path to reunion exists because you would also have to face yourself, and you refuse. I cannot carry this alone.

I have to let go. Letting go is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

But the silence remains because living with a ghost is easier than dying in your presence.

Somewhere, you’re living your life … with beauty, I hope. I often wonder if you think of us as we think of you. Does my brother also cry occasionally, remembering the late nights the three of us sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea and laughing? Or are we nothing to you now?

Grief has met me in many forms throughout my life. The worst has been living, knowing that somewhere out there, I have loved ones I no longer know.

This Samhain, I remember my grandparents from the other side, and I remember my loved ones who are living a different death.

I light the candles.

I greet you by name.

And in remembrance, I honor you, wherever you may be. I wish you love and healing, and maybe in another life, we can find our way home to one another.

-------------------------------------

I wanted to share this here because I know so many in this group understand this specific, silent kind of grief. Wishing you all peace as the seasons change.

NC with mother & brother & LC with my father. My sister is my best friend 💜

I’m not even 30 and I have chronic pain from various medical conditions. I’ve had injuries growing up but not any that wouldn’t heal with proper rest and care. But I was never allowed to rest and rarely received care, and now the injuries have evolved into a poltergeist. My body truly fell apart when I went NC with my family. While emotionally I’ve improved so much, nothing has worked to heal my body. I feel like I sacrificed my body to do everything that was demanded of me.

Now that I finally have the freedom I’ve always wanted, I’m trapped in a broken body. It’s hard to reconcile that I’m so happy yet so miserable. Everyone tells me I’m too young to have these problems out of ignorant sympathy. My body has aged beyond my years because I was forced to become something I was never meant to be. All the evil is gone now but the mark still remains. My body remembers things that my mind never could, every memory I locked away to preserve myself nested into my breaking frame. While I’ve cleared out the filament, the frame is still broken. Yet I would prefer the trauma to haunt my aching bones than for it to live in my soul.

Does anyone else feel like this? What’s helped you through it? I’ve had a terrible flare up this month and would love some encouragement if anyone has any :)

Last week my father and I had a very heated argument and after the call ended I said I wouldn't be around for the weekend, he responded by saying that he thinks we should take a break (I agreed).

He asked today if I felt like talking to him. I said not yet and then followed it up with "I will reach out when that changes" and then I realised I could let it be that. I could just stop letting him be part of my life.

I did warn my father at the end of last year when I visited him that I considered his behaviour during the visit unacceptable, that it hurt me considerably and that if it continued I would distance myself from him. He informed me he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour but requested that I tell him before I decide to distance myself, I pointed out I already had and his response was to declare he didn't need to change.

For the past 10 months I have been trialing low contact. He has been behaving in progressively weirder ways towards me, as if trying to provoke a fight. Well he finally got the fight last Friday.

He's not as extreme as other abusive fathers. While he did use corporal punishment, it was always over a clothed backside and never left bruises. Punching walls, getting into screaming matched with my mom and belittling her was more harmful than getting spanked. Although his reaction to me coming out as trans and leaving my ex-wife was to demand a paternity test (which he blamed my mother for needing as it was her fault he questioned being my father. I was 36 when he did this).

I know this question is asked a lot, but am I doing the wrong thing by not explaining to him more clearly why I'm doing this?

I was in the wrong to speak to him how I did last Friday. I could claim extenuating circumstances, but it won't change that I shouldn't have. I'm not going no contact because of last week's events. That was the inciting incident rather than the cause. Realising that I grew up in a violent and abusive household has been something I've been grappling with for months (and need to start addressing in therapy) and is ultimately the real cause for the no contact. Last week simply revealed that low contact was no longer viable.

I'm estranged from my dad because of childhood and then ongoing emotional abuse. I know people on here will understand and I don't have to prove myself but he really is a nasty narcissistic man.

I also cut myself off from my my uncle and aunt (his brother) as they were incredibly nasty to me about my abusive dad last Christmas. At a time of vulnerability (I was days off my due date with second child, amongst other more complex things happening at home)

My grandma who I was close to and raised me in more ways than my parents did growing up died a few days ago.

I can't go to the funeral as I have CPTSD from my dad's abuse and I literally don't think I would cope(he will be there, he is her son). Made even worse by the thought of seeing my uncle and aunt and then they're daughters who will have no doubt taken their side aswell as my dad's and will probably act like I'm some villain and get upset by my presence. Which is incredibly ironic.

The issue is. I have a 7 year old daughter who was close to my grandma and saw her like her own grandma who wants to go. She was very upset about the thought of not going. I have tried to explain to her we can say goodbye in other ways but she's really not having it. She really wants to go.

Also my grandad. Who I am very close to will also be upset at me not going. He understands my dad is abusive to a degree and always she's he's on my side. But he's very old and he also just wants to keep the peace with everyone etc.

I've thought about my husband just taking her but he will really struggle mentally. I've thought about someone else in the fault taking her to the wake but it seems like a lot to ask when they're navigating their grief themselves to look after my child.

Every option I look at I will be seen as the bad guy/ I will let someone down or upset someone. But I know it will knock me massively if I go to any of it and I will be around multiple toxic family members.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi everyone I just joined this group today because I received a letter from my grandmother. I haven't spoken to any of my family since end of April and it was really hard for a couple months but ultimately it was long overdue. Long story short my parents were pretty terrible and the rest of the family never did anything to help and just said "that's how they are". So I cut them out of mine and my daughters life. But the reason I am writing this post is because today I received the second letter from my grandma since going no contact and I dont know what im even supposed to do. The letter says "would you please call me? If I dont hear from you, I will assume you are not okay, because this just isn't normal. Not like you at all." And a part of me feels bad for not speaking to my grandparents but at the same time I just dont want contact with anybody. Any advice would help a lot. Thanks

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s so much. I need to make my point in a way that won’t make me sound like a pushover but also won’t piss him off.

I’m angry at him for leaving me with my mother. I’m mad he let me experience homelessness because I couldn’t reach him for help. I’m angry he never wanted to see me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him over the phone in twelve years. All our communication was over Facebook messenger until I blew up at him in 2021 and we haven’t spoken or texted since until today. I’m mad it feels like he doesn’t want me around ever.

I can’t just tell him to screw off (as much as I want to) because I need to be on good terms with my grandma. I’m pretty sure if I tell my dad to F off she will murder me (kinda joking. Kinda).

Finally, I don’t want our relationship to just be us texting once every six months. I am not a science project to keep enough tabs on for a second grade science report and then forget about, but that’s how I feel.

I have no idea how to say all that concisely. Please advise.

Last November my dad died from cancer. He'd been sick for three years and we stopped speaking a year before that.

Back when I was in the habit of calling Mom once a week or so, I wrote an email to tell her and Dad that I am trans. First Dad was upset that we don't speak as often as Mom and I did. ... He knew my phone number and didn't answer my texts or emails so he could keep his upset to himself. He and Mom were happily married and living together so if he didn't know what's happening with his oldest child then that's his problem. As I said at the time to him, right-wing talking heads aren't interested in having conversations with their ideological opponents and he seemed to follow that pattern. I told my folks about PFLAAG. They didn't listen.

Well, he and Mom condemned me to Hell then sent me a weird holiday gift box (a baseball cap and a mAsCuLiNe candle). I asked them not to send me anything else since I don't enjoy surprise "wtf"s in my mailbox, and, if they want to be close to me then we should talk. We did not talk.

Dad got sick. Mom told me and my sibling. As Dad continued to be sick, I had to beg for updates. Eventually my sibling was my source of information. They hadn't told our folks that they are also pansexual, polyamorous, and nonbinary so they're closer than I am. Mom isn't blind, but I think she realized that my sibling is okay with being insulted more than I am.

Dad went to hospitals all over the country in order to find a billing department that aligned with his values (no, for real. He didn't believe in vaccinations by the end although he sure did when I was a kiddo. He didn't believe in health insurance. It was a huge problem for him and Mom). He stayed with friends in their homes in other states or friends put him and Mom in hotels. He received hospice care and the local church organized food and cleaning help for him and Mom. Dad had a social calendar, even, that was so full between his friends and his doctors that he had to schedule time to rest.

I never heard from Dad again. His mom (still alive, now with dementia) and his sister designated themselves the Outreach Team* on only two occasions. When it looked like death and later when he actually died, they both called me to ask me to apologize.

Apologize for what, I had no idea. **

Needless to say, I did not call. Dad could have called me at any time in those four years to apologize for being an ass. One day the sun rose and it was clear Dad wouldn't see the sun set. As a gift to my aunt and grandma I sent Dad a farewell text and signed it with my legal, transitioned name. He died hours later with his sister, mother, and wife around him. He had been waiting for me.

Dad's uncle and family, parents, sister, and hundreds of friends came to his funeral. He was active in his hobbies and beloved in his community. I had to leave that community almost two decades ago. I've been impoverished and starving for most of that time, and now I'm squatting with my roommates while I wait for the government to agree that I'm disabled (applied four years ago; at least I have a lawyer now).

What must it be like to never worry about where to stay or what to eat. To know that someone is willing to listen when emotions are too big to bear. To be loved after throwing away your offspring. To know that you have enough friends that their friends will be wherever you go.

*Not be-winged primates in the sense that narcissistic people ask their friends to run recon, but true self-appointed meddlers I mean volunteers

**Months after he died I found out that he was pissed I had a gender surgery on his birthday back in 2021. When we weren't speaking. Because I am trans. Because that's when the surgeon scheduled it. So I went to his funeral and said "hey, fuck you!" to his casket while my mom and grandpa watched.

31 male.

I estranged myself from my father about a year and a half ago since the man walked out on me and my mom and left me alone with my mother when I was 10, and my mother forced me into an emotional caretaker role. Since then my father popped into my life a few times so that:

• I could give him money
• I "owed" him financial security after he retired since I was his child
• He didnt pay child support so he would "pay my college tuition" which he did, for one year.
• He told me he would buy me a car. I didnt want one from him. He somehow pressured me into it anyway, bought me one he wanted, paid it for about a year and then told me "its your problem now". Then he used the car he bought for me as leverage to be his chaffuer, to the point where I lost my job at the time. I was a college student who could not afford a car.
• Domestic violence against my grandpa that I witnessed
• General verbal abuse (calling my sister fat, telling me I walk gay, etc.) and being like "I was just joking BRO" when we got upset

But this isn't about my father, this is about my mother. My relationship with her as always been tumultuous since she was emotionally reliant on me but also somehow always the victim. Rampant alcoholism, emotional neglect, the stench of cigarettes was my entire childhood. Some fun memories:

• Being late for school and I asked my mom for a ride to school (she was hungover). Gets into an accident and blames me
• Being out of town all day, leaving me with no food. I called her and asked her to pick up dinner on her way back and she says OK. When she returns without any food, she proceeds to get angry at me for bringing it up
• Domestic violence against my grandma that I witnessed

In fact just typing all of this out, I'm realizing no child should have to witness the violence that I did on top of the emotional neglect I received.

Anyway, the nail in the coffin with my mother was my grandpa recently decided he wanted to split his will 3 ways between my mom, sister, and I instead of my mom being the sole beneficiary. The kicker is this was a verbal agreement they made anyway a long time ago anyway, which if my mom planned on following through nothing would have changed at all. When my grandpa decided to get it in writing, my mom decided she no longer wanted to take care of my grandpa and told my sister and I to do it. When we agreed that it was our grandpa's right, our mom accused me and my sister of being "money hungry" and waiting for my grandpas death. I didnt even know I was getting anything until 2 weeks ago, and the amount of money in the will is not enough to be this much of a fiend over. If we do split it 3 ways, I wouldn't even be getting a year's salary. My grandpa could wake up tomorrow and decide to give it all away to charity and I was be like "ok whatever sure".

This led to a large family fallout and I just decided im so done. If im being honest, I feel extremely relieved now that I dont have to spend the holidays with these people.

Thanks for reading.

My father has finally demonstrated once and for all that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. How do other people deal with this?

She sent this to me in a group chat with my husband and teen.

A few years ago, I would have been overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety about letting down my grandparents.

Instead I'm annoyed at her manipulative behavior and feeling extra protective of my teen.

Counseling works!

I cut ties with my mom about a year ago and my dad almost 9 years ago. I thought it would be easier this time but this is the most painful experience. My identity and personality were built around managing them and now at 35, I don’t know who I am without those roles. Stabilizing my mom so she wouldn’t lose it, submitting to my dad so he wouldn’t turn against my brother and me. I’ve withdrawn from friends and spend most days sleeping and crying. I question everything… is this what I want, or what my old roles wanted? Identity collapse is real and disorienting like nothing I’ve experienced. Going to therapy twice a week and finding a PTSD support group. I’m fighting depression.

Underneath, I cry for the little me who just wanted to be a kid and exist. Knowing something was off the whole time, but not having the language for it. I’m angry at how my parents never got their shit together and made it my responsibility. How my dad started a new family as if he wanted a redo. At how brittle and explosive my mom was. I know this will pass and I’ll be fine. I just want to move on with my life.

Has anyone ever gone no contact with a sibling they were once extremely close with? My older sister (29) and I (24) used to be incredibly close, and I genuinely never imagined there would be a time when we wouldn’t have a relationship. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and my sister knew absolutely everything I had been through with him. When he left me, I was in such a horrible place mentally trying to grieve the relationship that I ended up in the hospital after trying to take my own life. My dad really wanted to be there for me, but my sister insisted that she be the one there because she felt it was her place to support me. She was literally the person sitting with me in the hospital, seeing firsthand just how much I was struggling.

My ex was extremely manipulative, and I knew his patterns very well. Not even two weeks after I had been in the hospital, I caught my sister on the phone with him and eventually found messages between them planning to spend time together. I genuinely couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. I knew the type of person he was and that whether he was doing it to hurt me or simply for his own satisfaction, getting close to my sister was something I could absolutely see him doing. But never in a million years did I think my sister would entertain it. This was the same person who had insisted on being there for me in the hospital while I was struggling to even want to be alive because of everything I had experienced with him. When I confronted her and tried to have a conversation about what I had found, she refused to discuss it and blocked me for months. We eventually reconnected at a family event, but she never once apologized or acknowledged what had happened. She just acted like everything was completely normal, and within a few days she was asking me for money. That ended up being the last time I spoke to her, over a year ago. There had been other situations throughout our relationship that damaged my trust in her, but this was something I never imagined she would do to me.

I honestly don’t talk about this situation with many people because it’s incredibly personal to me, but on the occasions I have, I’ve noticed how quickly people fall back on the idea that blood is thicker than water, sometimes without even knowing what actually happened. And I genuinely don’t know where I stand on that anymore. Before all of this, I never would have imagined that my own sister could hurt me in this way, and I think that’s part of what makes it so difficult to process.

I don’t necessarily feel angry with her anymore, I just feel disconnected, and I don’t know if I could ever look at her the same way again. I know family relationships are complicated, and I’m not looking for people to just agree with me. I’m genuinely curious whether anyone else has experienced a betrayal like this from a sibling or someone they considered their closest family. Did you ever manage to rebuild that relationship, or did you eventually accept that some things permanently change how you feel about someone?

Hello! My partner and I have been together for 5 years. He has been thinking about going no contact- we already did before this for about 4 months, rekindled, and it went back to how it was. I feel sometimes like I dont know how to support him or what I can do. Some advice on how those who are no contact with their parents are supported best through this journey? Thanks!

Before I met my parents in-laws I didn’t care that I don’t have any relationship with my family and that my parents don’t care about me.

But since I met my wonderful in-laws I feel this enormous pain, because I don’t have any real love in my own family. It just hurst everyday thinking about it, even though I am reminding myself, that I should be grateful for relationships that I have.

How do you go over this pain?

The reasons she's so mad at me is because I was no longer sending over 200 pounds a month. I called the police because my parents alternated between saying it was for my care and had all been spent, and that they were just putting it in a savings account for me but wouldn't give it back because I was too mentally unstable. Police just said they were probably putting into a savings account account for my sake and dropped the case - never even became a case in the first place actually.

Either way I've lost nearly 10,000 pounds over the course of 3 years. She was asking for 400 pounds a month eventually, and I gave it to her, because I thought there was no way my own parents would lie to me or steal my money.

Keeping it only to three screenshots even though there's a lot more.

I think it's a bad idea to try and reconcile, but part of me wants to. She's the same person who listened to me ramble about my high fantasy novel for hours... the same person who arguably saved my life by helping me get benefits when I was in the middle of psychosis and neurological difficulties, and it's why I trusted her for years.

I just don't know what to do really. I miss her, but at the same time feel relieved. It's like she turned into a completely different person the moment I started questioning her. Just felt so abrupt and bizarre.

Anyone else? I thought that going NC with my own family would put an end to this, but whenever I meet a friend’s family, I can see their dynamic is also toxic in some way. Recently, one friend’s mom has tried to become closer to me. I think she just doesn’t have many friends. She reminds me of my mom in some ways (not good ways, but familiar). She’s ignored boundaries that I’ve communicated. I feel like I should be more assertive, but I don’t want to make my friendship with my friend weird. Can anyone relate?

For context my Dad hasn’t texted me since a year ago and our messages literally show this. I reached out because I was worried about my brother. >!He’s been lying a lot and making things up, last time we spoke he stated his pills weren’t working. He also has schizophrenia and lately he’s been talking about killing people.!< Of course, my dad made it about himself. Sorry for the typos at times, I was so angry. Who actually responds like this. I am 23, he’s been absent my whole life. He recently showed up last year again. I never received a call or text when I was living with my addict mother. She only had me once for 4 months out of my life. I spent my whole life in foster care wishing, he would save me and he did not do so. I do want to reiterate, my brother and mother were already diagnosed I have not diagnosed them with my messages. This is basically a stranger snapping at me like this. Also, I do want to state that I already contacted the proper authorities. I don’t know how that went because I was told they only did a wellness check, my brother blocked me on everything and my dad lived closer so this was my last resort.

Let's say you have a co-worker, neighbor, acquaintance who's older - what's the 'tell' that they have kids who change the subject when somebody asks about them?

Meetup has several options in my area for the Parents of children who estranged them, but I'm finding it really difficult to find support groups for adult kids who went no contact. (a free one I don't have to pay for.)

I'm in NY but am willing to join a virtual group as well. If there's a group near you can you post it here in case others in your area are interested?

My parents have been married for 28 years. Mom works, Dad is a teacher, and I have an older sister who is intellectually disabled and fully dependent on Mom. I'm 20 and still studying, so I've been out of town for most of this. I saw some of it myself and heard the rest from Mom. From the outside we looked like a normal family.

Dad's anger started when I was in 7th class. He would suddenly start roaring from the bottom of his belly over the most senseless things. Around 2019 it got much worse. He became paranoid and suspicious of Mom's family over things that never happened. He wouldn't let her talk to her parents, her brother or her sister, not even on the phone. He would write their names on paper and threaten to file false cases against them. He slapped Mom 2-3 times. In 2022 he grabbed her by the throat and tried to strangle her.

He was even showed to psychiatrist so that his anger would come down but these things never stopped. Around then Mom also found out he had made a profile on a matrimonial site listing himself as "Never Married."

In March this year he drank poison. A friend rushed him to the hospital, and later he was admitted for psychiatric treatment. When he was discharged and came home, he and Mom had a long, heated discussion about why she didn't want to stay with him anymore.

Five days later, he tried to take his own life again by drinking poison. Mom rushed him to the hospital and stayed until he recovered. Then she told him, calmly but clearly, that she would no longer live with him.
She left with my sister, and I went with them. That was four months ago.

Since then, Mom, my sister and I have been trying to move on and forget him. But he keeps calling me and begging: "Forgive me, come back, I won't repeat any mistake." Lately he says he's in pain in his leg and hand from the poison, that he can't go to the hospital alone, and that we should come back. Every call drags us back to everything he put us through, and we can't seem to forget the trauma.
Today, after he repeated it again and again, I blocked him.

I feel awful. He's my father and he's in pain. But I remember what he did to Mom, and I know a promise isn't treatment.

Was blocking him the right call?

So my dad, stepmom, and siblings are coming up to visit for Christmas, as my grandpa (who I live with) told me, and I'm dreading the interactions between my siblings and I as the time gets closer. I'm in Wisconsin, they're in Florida, and my siblings are between 10-15yrs old (yes, half-siblings). Thankfully I'm able to stay with my mom while they're here so I don't have to worry about seeing my dad and stepmom, who I've been no-contact with for a few years now.

Even though I'm no-contact with the parents I'm able to communicate with my siblings (2 of them have phones), so I know the "I can't wait to see you" and "I miss you" messages are inevitable. After some thinking I can't come up with a lie for why I'm not going to be around, nor am I comfortable trying to think of one, so I'm being as honest as possible. I'm just going to have to say that the parents and I are not on speaking terms so I can't be around - it's the truth while not getting into the whole thing.

Fuck, I just hate the potential conflict that might come between my siblings and the parents!! I was hoping to wait until at least 1 or 2 of them were 18 to tell them why I cut contact with their parents, but guess I'm not getting that wish!! 🙃 I went no-contact with the parents because I'm gay and they're bigots ("I love you, not your lifestyle" type of bigots).

The big thing that's circling around in my head is what to say if/when they ask me why the parents and I are not on speaking terms. Makes me think of the reddit posts I saw a long time ago, where a guy told his niece's grandparents about them being homophobic (it's an "am I the a-hole post, and an update post). I can link them for reference if that's allowed and if anyone wants to see what I'm talking about since I've had them saved for a situation just like this.

Much like the OP didn't want his niece thinking he didn't love her anymore, I don't want my siblings thinking the same thing about me. Besides, I know the parents' answer if my siblings ask them why I'm not on speaking terms with them would be twisted to make it like I'm being immature - a silly little conflict that I'm being silly about, so to speak. 🙄 An added bonus to this shit is that I know my stepmom would get on my ass if I said to my siblings that "I'm gay, the parents don't like that, so it was best for me to cut contact" (something like that), because I mentioned a forbidden talking point... that's another story, and one that would fit well in the raised by narcissists subreddit if I'm being fully honest. 😂

Anyway... idk, any advice for me to ponder or words of encouragement, or whatever, would be appreciated. The only form of contact I have open to my dad and stepmom still is my email, and they haven't abused that (yet). And the siblings that have phones are 15 and 12, so it's not like they're little kids. TIA

Yeah I know I already told him that I don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. After smacking my son and then accusing me of a being the abusive alienator I see the truth for what it is. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is truth and nothing he says and does will make me throw all the healing and dignity I have gained away.

And now he's got other family members coming to my door telling me how sorry he is. How much he's willing to make things work.

After he beat me and then started beating my autistic son I don't give a F how sorry he is.... The fact that he thought that was ok parenting in the first place makes me want to avoid him like the plague, declarations of peace be damned.

You're not sorry. You're not ashamed. You just miss your sparkly grandpa image. Y'know.... The image that makes everyone around you love you and tell you how amazing you are.

Its time everyone knows you for what you really are. Now you're desperately back pedaling. And the fact that you keep trying to excuse your abuse like it's a simple mistake is the reason you will never see my son ever again.

Words don't mean anything when the actions speak volumes louder. Keep trying to convince the rest of the family to have me forgive you. You're a monster and your mask doesn't work anymore. It may shine through for the people who never had to live with you.

But for me and my boy we know. And you're out.

Thanks to watching a law and order episode that features allocution right before I went to bed, I think I figured it out. I would want them to allocute publicly to what they did.

It would need to include specifics, not just “I hurt them.” They’ve been going around telling anyone who will listen all sorts of lies and even getting other people to “reach out on their behalf” after I blocked their phone numbers.

Tell everyone that you did in fact plot to render your daughter and her family homeless (I was also pregnant at the time). Admit that you stole $63k from us. Admit to at least some of the horrendous childhood abuse. Admit to the manipulation, gaslighting and mistreatment. Publicly admitting to specifics would indicate to me that real change has occurred and you have actually come to regret your actions.

Now, image is everything to my mother, so this would never happen, but just something for me to think about I guess.

Maybe it's somewhat narcissistic to detail this but being involved in this community is making me feel less alone, and maybe some other people would relate to my situation.

Recap: I live overseas but was on a family holiday with my parents and I finally snapped yesterday after waking up to being screamed at. But unfortunately, I'm building a business and cashflow is LOW and I literally only have access to a few hundred dollars at the moment, which I hadn't expected to have to spend on solo accommodation with the speed of internet and silence required for my online work which starts back next week. So, updates.

Last night I stayed in a hostel in a pretty dodgy area. The hostel was almost exclusively full of men and there were a lot of aggressive unhoused men in the area, but last minute Saturday night accommodation was out of my budget and I don't need the privacy until work on Monday. In my dorm someone snored from 11pm until check out time, so loudly I could hear it from where I slept in the loungeroom (which felt pretty unsafe in an extremely budget hostel full of men), and I have misophonia so it was pretty rough, and men woke up and started taking shits behind paper-thin walls from 5am (which you can really only laugh at that point lol).

AND YET. I was inspired, I'm writing a novel and it gave me inspiration. It inspired me to do some flyers for my business while I'm here as my target demographic is people immigrating to Australia. I feel so free and so alive and so much more myself.

Don't get me wrong, I also have moments where I feel extremely, utterly alone. Removing something so archetypal as parents from your life really is a change of identity. I don't want to let myself slow down or stop too much because I start to feel guilty; how do they feel, did my letter prompt one of them to murder the other, did it cause a heart attack or serious health issues, did I overreact.

But I've been thinking about this for years. I've been dreading calls with them for years. I was so belittled for being "sensitive" as a child, I only realised in my 30s I was scared of them, and only now that maybe I still am scared of them, at least in a subconscious or physical sense. My body is constantly on alert around them.

They haven't reached out, and my brain is trying to find a way to understand that, because if I had failing health, a child who was extremely loving and stretched her meger finances to the edge to try and see me whilst I bragged about making 40k a week, who wrote me a letter and told me I had scared her as a child, and who only had a few days left in the country...I would move heaven and earth to find her and make amends. But the difficult truth is the same as it always was; they simply don't care that much.

But I will say, for anyone else thinking about going NC, for me at least, after having thought about it for years and had my relationship with my parents be the only truly dreadful part of my life, even under extremely difficult financial circumstances, the peace I feel is incredible and there have been surprisingly very, very few tears.

So to my other adult orphans, hang in there. The pain we have lived through wasn't right, but the pay off is a superhuman strength that will carry you through anything.