I congratulated my old friend with who we don’t talk much and one of my friend said it’s really cringe. Who is right? What do you use instead?

At some point in your life, likely when you were a kid in school, you dealt with someone blaming you and shaming you for something going wrong in your life. They say that it is to help you, but you know that is a lie for three reasons.

1. They phrase it in the form of an accusation and dedicate significantly more effort to the name calling than they do to critiquing the behavior.
2. They never offer up any solutions.
3. Many if not most if the things they bemoan are out of the control of anyone, including you.

I have drafted a plan to deal with that scenario, tell me if you think it is a good one. The plan is;

Sarcastically request for their help in a solution that is actually unrealistic. 

Imagine a 9 year old boy goes to school wearing his sister’s hand-me-down clothes, because he is poor and they cannot afford new clothes. The bullies pick on him for it. If this sounds bizarrely specific, it is because it is a reference to the live action 2007 film Bridge to Terabithia. 

The boy who gets picked on should sarcastically ask the bullies if they can give him the money to pay for manlier clothes. 

There is my strategy. Do you think it is smart? If not, do you have a better idea? Let me know.

At some point in your life, likely when you were a kid in school, you dealt with someone blaming you and shaming you for something going wrong in your life. They say that it is to help you, but you know that is a lie for three reasons.

1. They phrase it in the form of an accusation and dedicate significantly more effort to the name calling than they do to critiquing the behavior.
2. They never offer up any solutions.
3. Many if not most if the things they bemoan are out of the control of anyone, including you.

I have drafted a plan to deal with that scenario, tell me if you think it is a good one. The plan is;

Sarcastically request for their help in a solution that is actually unrealistic. 

Imagine a 9 year old boy goes to school wearing his sister’s hand-me-down clothes, because he is poor and they cannot afford new clothes. The bullies pick on him for it. If this sounds bizarrely specific, it is because it is a reference to the live action 2007 film Bridge to Terabithia. 

The boy who gets picked on should sarcastically ask the bullies if they can give him the money to pay for manlier clothes. 

There is my strategy. Do you think it is smart? If not, do you have a better idea? Let me know.

I think that I am an eloquent speaker and that I manage my emotions pretty well, but even Tiger Woods needs a swing coach. I would like to tell you my plan to handle conflicts and articulate an idea that is in my head. If you disagree with any of my ideas, I would like to hear why. 

The situation that I would like to discuss and figure out a plan for is.

Another person takes the skeletons in your closet and throws them in your face.

Suppose that they say something to you like; 

What do you know? Your girlfriend cheated on you, proving that you cannot satisfy your partner. 

There are two different approaches you can take. 

Option #1: 

Ask them what that has to do with the topic being discussed. 

Option #2: 

Tell them that, if they are going to complain about that, they better either solve the problem or tell you what you can do to solve the problem. 

It would probably sound something like this. 

You are complaining because my girlfriend left me for another man. Either that problem can be solved or it cannot. If you believe that the problem can be solved, tell me how. If, however, you believe that the problem cannot be solved, here is a crazy thought, get over it and move on with your life. 

There is my plan. Do you think it is a good one? Why or why not?

There’s this group of people I occasionally hang out with. We’re not exactly close friends, just people who meet up from time to time.
One guy in the group occasionally makes little jokes about my age. I’m 31F, only a three-year difference between us, lol.
It’s not outright bullying or anything, but I’ve noticed he tends to make these little digs at me. I sometimes get the impression that something about me triggers his ego. Not only me though. It seems like the guy hates women, might be closeted gay.( he is too homophobic)
I usually don’t react much because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s getting under my skin.
But I’m curious: How would you respond to someone like this in a classy, witty way that subtly puts them in their place without sounding bitter, insecure, or overly defensive?
I’m not looking to insult him back or create drama. I just want to shut down the unnecessary comments while keeping my composure.
Bonus points for clever comebacks that make the other person rethink what they just said.

I have a classmate at uni who is my friend’s boyfriend. He is pretty smart and interested in what we’re studying, as am I. Recently he started to say unnecessary comments about me. For example, often during lectures he asks me whether I understand the topic, and when I say yes he asks me to explain what I understand, when I do - he just turns away without any response. Another recent situation is when my friend (his gf) asked me and other friends to come over to her house to hang out, and I said I didn’t know whether I would come. Her boyfriend said sarcastically ‘Oh please come, we won’t survive without your high IQ’ (??)
His comments are bothering me, how can I respond so he would finally shut up?

I am like 20 but my weight is just 34 kgs ik i am skinny but why does everyone keep reminding me about it i hate it i have no reply to it, i want reply for relatives mainly they keep body shaming me that none of clothes look good on me and all.

Edited : I don't think people in comments understand my any problem, i really eat a lot i eat full meals almost 6 times a day and everytime more than other person on table still my weight doesn't increase, my mother is just like me it's genetics, i don't have any disease or anything from inside i am fully healthy recently i took many blood reports and everything was fine and i took so many medical consultations too, it's genetics and now i think it's not gonna change and i myself don't want to cause of others i am just done with this stuff nothing works. People just come and say u look nice only if u were little less skinny, i am done with people reminding me that.

I don't wanna do anything super aholeish but just something to mildly irritate in all honesty I'm fed up. The post office won't except where my mailbox is. They won't deliver to my side of the street which sucks because we already cemented in a nice mailbox. They deliver on our side of the road just not up until our house which is also a gated business. They just give the reason that it's not on their route even though they deliver to all the houses to the left of us and drive past our house everyday. They will deliver packages to our front door through the gate, but not to our mailbox outside of the gate. Anyway, we put one in across the street in a dark and empty field where tweakers do drug deals quite frequently. We were so excited to finally receive mail since we've been here for over 4 months and haven't been receiving mail. We got a note saying they will not deliver to this mailbox either because a telephone pole is near it. The pole is not in between the road and the mailbox or in the way at all, but he's saying it needs to be 15 feet away from anything. There's no point in arguing with the post office anymore, I kind of just want to be a smarta** back but don't know how. Its been pretty ridiculous. Any ideas welcome

My friend and I were stopped by some really creepy dude we used to be friends with who turned out to be a heinous drug addict and a registered sex offender. So we had not seen him in a long time. While trying to get away from him he Says, “everyone thinks I’m a lot younger than I really am!” My friend replies, “it’s probably because your teeth haven’t come in yet.” The guy has horrible teeth and is missing a bunch. It was the most epic burn I’ve ever heard and I wanted to be nice and not laugh but I literally fell to my knees and screamed into the grass…. I had no control. Forgive me, sweet baby Jesus….

Short story long…. Sometimes I work nights and when I do, I don’t want to be woken up to hear your lame-ass sales pitch. I get that you have a job to do, but go do it somewhere else. I even have a “No soliciting” sign posted at my front door. I still get people knocking and ringing the doorbell and riling my dog up which, of course, wakes me up. The last 3 times I have pointed out the “no soliciting” sign, I have been met with “oH bUt I’m NoT sElLiNg YoU aNyThInG!”

I’m looking for something more witty than just “well then get the f*** outta here and don’t come back.” But still gets the same point across. Thanks.

Or why you bottom fragging (the score leaderboard)

Basically threw up in the bathroom, got some on my shoes but didn’t notice till it was to late. Mind you I’m in a area where there are Staff members and clients. So I go to my Facebook account and notice a few staff members pointed out how I smelled apparently so I didn’t take it personal. Now this got way out of hand I’m irritated by how back stabbing this was. I’m past that now. I’m single, pay my bills, live in a Trailor house with a small pest problem “mice” and to be honest I should of done bought clothes for myself but I have kids and bills. Kids are my best friend’s so they get most but back to my ask! What is a Good comeback for a Overzealous, overweight, double wide, hating b****, who is trying to make my life harder than it really is? I’d sure like some memes about it but I also want to keep it going cause I had enough, I’m a stuck up for myself from now on

“You must be selling feet pics”

I work in education and we have a fall break. At the last minute the district where I work changed the calendar so that my kids' fall break no longer aligned with mine. I had to use all my personal days to go on a trip we had scheduled and was effectively gone for almost two weeks.

This bitch doesn't know that, but she's always got something to say. I know this morning will be no different. She has made all kinds of offensive comments about people when they are pregnant, grieving, sick, it doesn't matter. If I see her today and she makes some kind of oblique comment like "must have been nice to have an extra week off" I want to have something in my arsenal because it's none of her business.

Honestly, I do understand that I kind of do look pregnant, sure. But I recently found out its actually my liver thats causing it, and Im still in the process of figuring it all out. Its scary, and the questions of when am I due or am I pregnant are both uncalled for and tiring. Part of me wants to respond "Im not my livers just failing" but I know thats rather dark, and really I dont know the full condition yet, it might still be reversible. Though strangers that have already pissed me off with the question Im not interested in explaining all that to.

Im tired of the question throwing my day off, and just want a quick response that maybe makes them think twice the next time they want to ask someone that.

At work my supervisor would jokingly start talking to someone as you walked by and say just how much he dislikes you before turning back to you and apologising "I didn't see you there". He does it for fun and there's no malice behind it, he'd does it with everyone. Got any lighthearted comebacks

It’s better to be an asshole than a whole ass.

My job has constantly being scrutinised as the most vulnerable to ai by people who have no idea what we do and they constantly keep saying can’t wait for ai to take my profession