r/Codependency • u/rb11111 • 15h ago

Stupid

Do you ever feel stupid? I was with a sex addict for 10 years. From ages 21-31. I didn’t know he was a sex addict until I found out the last year. And mean I didn’t know it was a real thing. I knew he was an asshole who cheated.

I guess it wasn’t a lesson enough. I chose someone to date for 10 months who was in recovery from alcoholism but relapsed this year. He was so different from my ex and wonderful. But he broke up with me. Said he was questioning whether he loved me or not, since he had feelings for a two day tinder talking stage.

I just feel so stupid and disgusted with myself that I put myself in this position.

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u/auggieeve 2h ago

first of all you’re not stupid for trying to love and trust again, people make their own choices and sometimes it has no reflection on us. Although I do get what you mean, falling in to similar patterns and ending up with the same heartbreak. I still constantly feel stupid for forgiving my ex repeatedly after they had an emotional affair and were exchanging sexually explicit messages with their best friend and said they would change and then would just repeat the same behavior over and over. Even when I found out they had been doing it again while I was bedbound, severely disabled and being abused by my family and had to become entirely dependent on them in order to leave the situation and escape, I still tried to make things work and forgive them and go to couples therapy. I was living with them and cleaning their house while they were cheating on me the whole time. Even with everything I did to try and fix it the person who cheated on me also dumped me, i didn’t even have the self respect to end the relationship, the fact that i was financially and physically dependent on them as my caregiver did not help the situation at all. I feel like such a fool all the time. I feel even stupider that I constantly miss her and wish we were still together even though the lies and the betrayal was destroying my mental and physical health and almost made me check in to a mental hospital.

I don’t think we are actually stupid though, I think we are just trying to do better and sometimes we don’t always succeed or the people we have hope in aren’t able to create that healthy dynamic that we had wanted.