Let me preface this by saying I’ve always been super codependent. Being with someone is the only way I feel like I can live on. I truly derive my value from my significant other and that’s been what I was always surviving on. My relationships have been the gas to my fire and desire to move forward and better myself.

Lately I haven’t been thinking about her. And if I do, she’s never more than a passing thought. I never thought I could say it but I’ve been moving on. And as a consequence of that, my head is so quiet.

No more imaginary conversations with her. No discussions on how we could get back together. No arguments over her cheating or her lying. I don’t really have anything romanticle to look forward to.

I’ve been coping by obsessing with the gym, my diet, and skincare funnily enough. I also just started a new job after being unemployed and that’s just felt like a blip in my life… which sucks because it should feel more important.

Unfortunately, the only relief I’ve had is the thought of a new relationship. And relief to me is the rush of dopamine I get when I think about the excitement of another persons life over my own, mundane existence.

Why is my only relief the hope I can be a part of someone else’s existence? Why can’t I build an existence worth being a part of through my own volition.

Passive-Aggressive

"By addressing our fear, we release some of our glaring behaviors of manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and false kindness." BRB p. 40

We grew up in homes where love was conditional. How we were treated depended on how we acted. Many of us were so fearful of being punished or ostracized that we learned to manipulate those around us. Some of us became very good at passive-aggressive behavior; we learned to get what we thought we wanted or needed without directly asking for it by putting on a false mask.

Because these were survival mechanisms based in fear, as adults we realized that we weren't really getting what we needed. For some of us, the frustration of feeling like we had to operate in this manner often built to a point where we would explode, sending ourselves spiraling into some form of addiction to cope. Eventually, we landed in a place where we didn't know who we really were.

For those of us who are "lucky," when all of our tactics failed us, we found our way to an ACA meeting. This is where we begin to face our underlying fears and learn how to be honest with ourselves. We start to relate to others in a healthy manner. Yes, it's challenging to change such ingrained habits, but we know it's possible. We see others in the program doing it all around us.

On this day, if I am tempted to manipulate others with old behaviors, I will affirm for myself that I am capable of new, healthy, life affirming behavior.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №312

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Ng%3D%3D

So a bit of context, me and my ex had been dating since August of a year ago and it was a very long distance relationship(never gotten the opportunity to meet in person but still a relationship that really helped heal my prior held beliefs of people who’d want to date me.

There wasn’t a particularly large amount of time that I felt I as though even my secure tendencies now weren’t enough but I still kept requests of attention and or reassurance to a small amount. Then she brought up the topic of breaking up and going back to just friends and I felt composed enough to see almost immediately that we were only hurting ourselves in the long run if we were to continue the relationship with a delusional belief that we’d be able to get both us all together in a living environment but also in addition her disabled brothers that she’d become their legal guardian at some point.

Life is short, and time we misuse we don’t ever get back. So for the first time I didn’t even break down crying like I used to. She’ll still be my friend and I believe her in that claim but it’s not gonna be as intimate and I can live without that.

So I guess I ll just tldr here; Best relationship I’ve experienced ended in a calm manner and the progress I’ve made in such fast fashion makes me so grateful to be here.

I got a text from my codependent partner of almost three years and I’m freaking the hell out. I cut ties after an incident and didn’t look back, which I’ve always regretted. (How I ended it, not leaving) He reached out and has apologized for the way he acted. Idk if I can believe him when he says he’s changed. I’d love to be friends again, but looking back, I don’t want to relapse. We’ve both seen therapists (from what I can assume) and changed significantly.
(I say partner but only for lack of a better term, we never dated.)
Sorry for the block!! Kinda stressed ngl

Do you ever feel stupid? I was with a sex addict for 10 years. From ages 21-31. I didn’t know he was a sex addict until I found out the last year. And mean I didn’t know it was a real thing. I knew he was an asshole who cheated.

I guess it wasn’t a lesson enough. I chose someone to date for 10 months who was in recovery from alcoholism but relapsed this year. He was so different from my ex and wonderful. But he broke up with me. Said he was questioning whether he loved me or not, since he had feelings for a two day tinder talking stage.

I just feel so stupid and disgusted with myself that I put myself in this position.

One thing I've noticed about myself is that I rarely have crushes on people, but when I do, it's hard and grows into a big mess. I currently have a crush on my old roommate/one of my best friends that I met in freshman year, but I'm too afraid to tell her so maybe I'm just looking for excuses not to tell her?

But lately I've been trying to imagine myself never telling her and watching her move on to someone else, and it drives me crazy. I hate how disgusting and selfish I am. When she talks to others, it hurts a little. I just want her all to myself; I'm afraid of her finding someone else and leaving me because I'm too weird and suffocating. I only see her two times a week, and even that I feel like that's too little. I wish I could be around her 24/7, even if that meant missing classes or work, because just being in her presence is so intoxicating. I know this is unhealthy, and I've been trying to stop and give her space, but it's so hard. I want to say I love her, that this is normal, and that everyone feels this way when they have a crush on someone.

But there's a part of me that's worried that what if I'm just projecting my insecurities on her? I want to hold her close to me and never let her go. I feel like she's the only person who truly understands me and that I can relax with. But I'm scared that every time we hang out and spend time together with her, a piece of her chips away from me and she's secretly growing more and more tired of me. And every time I want to ask her to make sure we're good, it feels like that might piss her off too and make her just block me altogether.

I want to love her. I want to be her girlfriend. I want to stay in my life as long as possible, to stay with me as long as possible. And if there's even a small chance of her liking me back and we do get together, I don't want to ruin that with my stupid insecurities. I want to tell her this weekend that I have a crush on her, but I'm so scared, and I have no idea how to do it. My friends say to tell her in person since we're both adults and I need to stop being a coward, but I'm such a chud. What do I do?

One thing that’s currently helping me in my recovery is recognising when I project my own issues onto others.

I’ve been practising this for a while, and now I notice it quickly. Whenever I point something out in someone else - when I complain or criticise that they do something - I can immediately see that I do it too. Now I’m able to approach things differently. In the past, I would complain, blame, and point fingers. I would try to control the other person by looking for ways to change them. All of that was driven by unhealed trauma, by the parts of me which got rejected early in my life.

Now I bring the focus back to myself. I practise being radically honest and reflect on my own behaviour: Why does this bother me so much? What’s really going on for me? What’s underneath this difficulty? I don’t have all the answers yet, but I now understand that other people’s behaviour bothers me so much because I haven’t fully accepted that behaviour in myself.

Trauma is complex, and although I’ve worked through many layers, I keep finding new ones. One challenge I’m working on is perfectionism. Each time I think I’ve resolved it, I find another layer. I still carry the belief that if I were perfect, my parents would have treated me differently - they would have loved and cared for me. So I still hold myself and others to rather high standards. But now I can use projection to recognise when I’m doing that.

I can bring this stuff to my therapist who offers great support and compassion. I can turn inward and offer myself love, acceptance, and compassion. I don’t need to be perfect, and neither do the people around me. I never needed to be perfect, either, but growing up in a dysfunctional family made me believe otherwise. I’m slowly letting go of that lie, that dysfunctional belief. It’s hard because parts of me believe I won’t survive if I do, but I know I will. I just need to go slowly and gently. I need to show my traumatised parts that it’s okay not to be perfect. I can integrate these parts as another step towards becoming whole. The more stuff I integrate, the more accepting of others I become almost automatically.

I’m not perfect, but I’m okay, and I’m enough. I deserve love just as I am; I always have. I never needed to be any different from who I am. And I am so grateful that any difficulty I encounter can be a gateway to healing instead of being a reason to complain ❤️

'In This Moment, I am committed to my recovery.

For me, commitment is a living, breathing thing. It is a conscious choice that I make today and every day. I commit to myself first before I commit to others. Only if I take care of myself can I have healthy relationships or be in service to others. Then genuine love and energy flow.'

Trait Twelve

"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us." BRB p. 17

We held on to relationships that died years ago. We were ashamed that we couldn't stand up for ourselves, but we told ourselves that at least we had somebody. It was a roller coaster - things got worse, then better, then even worse than before. We were going deeper and deeper down a never-ending hole with no light, and we were running out of time.

Today we breathe the crisp cool air of discovery in the sunlight of ACA. We choose to be honest with ourselves and others because it's become a habit for us, one that was born out of our Step work and calm commitment to the program that guides us through the once-dark regions of our lives. We hide from no one.

We are alive, whole, and sane, and we like it. If someone wants to leave our life, we let them go. In ACA, we've learned we cannot do for others what they will not do for themselves. When we let things die, there's room for more love and new growth. We celebrate the old and the new, seeing their connection to our spiritual health.

On this day I will do the work to heal my past and learn to focus on the healthy things I've begun to experience. I will let go and let my Higher Power in.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №311

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3NQ%3D%3D

I didn't know my behavior was codependent. I used to think I wasn't, that I could go without the person I'm attached to (my partner in this case), but I realized I can't. She told me she wants me to be independent, to have my own wants and needs, and to stop being scared; now she feels like she's walking on eggshells, she's scared to say her needs and boundaries because apparently those make me have a crisis.

I'm so sad and guilty about this, I didn't want to be like this and I don't know how to be better or where to start. I can't afford therapy right now (I'm waiting to do it next year) and I want to start healing by doing some things I can without therapy because I can't keep hurting myself and my girlfriend, I love her so deeply and it hurts so much to know this has been happening, I only want to give her love and happiness, I don't want to be like this. I will end up hurting the people I love and I don't want that! I am full of love, I am not a person that is trying to emotionally abuse of others. I'm really disappointed of myself.

We have been together since may 2025, and I wasn't like this last year, do you think it has something to do with my father dying on december? We never had a great relationship but we loved each other so much and I've struggling since he died.

Either way, if someone has an advice of where to start I will be eternally grateful. I have to start as soon as possible, I can't keep doing this to me and to other people I love.

Edit: we're both women in our 20s.

Hi everyone. I am working hard on my recovery from codependent dynamics, specifically the urge to fix, rescue, and over-extend myself for people who preach one thing but act entirely differently. I recently had a breakthrough about the difference between being understanding and being endlessly available, and I wanted to share it here in case anyone else needs a reminder to protect their peace.

I’ve known this person for ten years, and they’ve been back in my life full-time for two years. I’ve spent a long time trying to understand them, their pain, their spirituality and the person they say they want to be.

I opened my home and my heart because I believed in compassion. I wanted to offer support without judgement and give someone the opportunity to find their feet again.

They’re incredibly creative, producing AI music and cinematic videos filled with mystical ideas and grand visions. Some of the work is genuinely impressive. I often think how wonderful it could be if the creativity, wisdom and love they speak about were put into practice in everyday life.

They talk about love, consent, acceptance and never judging others. Yet when it comes to me, I often feel judged, misunderstood and criticised for simply expressing my feelings. Their words promise understanding, but their actions don’t always reflect it.

I began to realise that I was investing more energy into understanding them than they were investing in understanding me.

I tried to work out whether this connection was a soulmate relationship, a twin flame journey or something else entirely. I wondered whether the pain, history and intensity meant we were destined to keep finding our way back to each other.

Then came the full moon in Taurus.

I decided to release my expectations and stop trying to force an answer. I would allow the connection to show me what it really was, not through spiritual labels or promises, but through honesty, respect, reciprocity and actions.

What I saw wasn’t the loving, mutually supportive connection I’d hoped for. I saw a pattern that was draining me, leaving me questioning myself and making me feel responsible for someone else’s peace while losing my own.

Perhaps the lesson wasn’t that this person was my soulmate or twin flame. Perhaps this was a toxic karmic connection, a relationship that had come into my life to teach me about boundaries, self-respect and the difference between compassion and self-abandonment.

I can see the good in this person. I can appreciate their creativity and recognise their pain. But I cannot make them live by the values they preach, and I cannot do their growing for them.

For too long, I’ve confused being understanding with being endlessly available. I’ve given support, patience and space, hoping that one day the relationship would become what I believed it could be.

I’m learning that potential isn’t the same as progress.

An energy vampire doesn’t have to be someone deliberately trying to drain you. Sometimes it’s the name we give to a dynamic in which we consistently give more than we have left, while our own needs go unheard.

My boundary now is simple: I can care without rescuing. I can forgive without returning to the same cycle. I can wish someone well without carrying their responsibilities.

The full moon didn’t magically change the relationship. It gave me a moment to reflect, release my expectations and accept what their actions had been showing me.

I don’t need a confession, a final explanation or agreement from the other person to close this chapter.

I can stop trying to save the connection and start saving my own peace.

I am the Light Bearer in my own story, not because I’m superior to anyone, but because I have a responsibility to protect the light I’ve fought hard to find.

I can leave the Prince of Darkness to their own journey without following them into every shadow.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let go, not because we never cared, but because we finally understand that caring for someone must not require abandoning ourselves.

My new rule: I will offer compassion, but I will no longer sacrifice my peace to prove it. 💓

I've been trying to break up with my boyfriend since... well, since we got together.

I don't know if we're actually in a codependent situation but I relate to a lot of what it's described as.

Every month I consider leaving him but I suppress everything because I'm scared of hurting him and regretting it.

A year ago he asked for a break and I felt so relieved. Genuinely felt free. After 3 days he called me crying so hard and said I was the love of his life, that I had saved him from a bad phase, and I really thought I had to protect him.

I have to specify that we love each other very much, but we are not a happy couple. Everything about us screams incompatible. I've been thinking about breaking up like every month at least.

I really don't want to condemn us to a mediocre life, I've tried to leave way too often for it to be a coincidence.

Now we were planning on having him move in with me, we've started moving his stuff but gosh we can't stand staying around each other more than a few days. I REALLY don't want him in my space. This is miserable, I've never managed to be completely happy with him but I can't bring myself to end it.

I can't tell him not to move in because he'd be homeless eventually.

My mother is currently in hospice, and I’m struggling with something.

We’ve had very limited contact for the past four years. I grew up parentified, and our relationship was deeply enmeshed and codependent. I eventually had to distance myself for my own emotional well-being.

Over the years, she’s left me numerous voice messages on WhatsApp. I archived our conversations because seeing her messages was emotionally overwhelming. They’re all still there, and I’ve never listened to most them.

A lot of her messages seemed to come from a place of sadness and desperation. She would express how upset she was that I wasn’t calling, update me on her life, and sometimes share things that were difficult or upsetting. I often felt like the messages were meant to make me feel guilty or responsible for her unhappiness, although I recognize that she may simply have been struggling and reaching out in the only way she knew how. I was trying to build my own life and wasn’t emotionally in a place where I could keep taking on her struggles.

Now that she’s in hospice, the thought that I may never hear her voice again makes me incredibly sad. But I’m also afraid that listening to those messages could bring back all the guilt and emotional responsibility I’ve worked so hard to separate myself from.

I’m torn between wanting to preserve her voice and wanting to protect my peace.

What would you do? Would you listen to the messages now, save them for another time, or leave them alone?

I've gotten significantly better at managing boundaries, but realized through that process that the boundaries others set around me weren't set in healthy ways. I did my best to respect and uphold all of them at the time, but I ended up erasing myself to the point where now I am terrified to ask anyone anything at all. I am scared to ask to spend time together, I am scared of asking for emotional support. Even if I do share something less-than-positive wiht someone, I end up having an anxiety attack afterward. But I'm also just exhausted.

My last friend-group was built on the back of an unhealthy, codependent relationship that I struggled to leave because I did not process that I had been assaulted. We lived together, and I was constantly being told how cute we were together. And despite being told that I sucked at boundaries at the time, I was, in fact, constantly reinforcing my boundaries with other people. I would say "I don't want to live with my current partner" and that got translated into "you're just anxious." I was still taking more things on than I should have because when you are living with a partner and a friend, well, there are things that have to get done. I experienced extreme burnout from those relationship that started healing the moment we broke up.

I....don't know what I am allowed to want anymore. I miss having friends I could be real with. I miss being able to support others and knowing they would be there for me in return. I miss having people to be silly with. These days, giving care to others is the only way I can get my need for socialization met.

Does not being codependent mean being okay with being alone forever? I've spent so much of the past 6 years struggling to connect with others and learn social skills. I struggled from an abusive family, then got brief respite in college, before the pandemic happened. Then, I had no idea how to build adult friendships, and started dating someone who took up all my time. At the age of 29, I feel it's too late for me.

I keep trying to meet my own needs. I keep loving myself, only to find anger underneath everything. I keep putting myself out there, but I end up not feeling like I'm actually *there* with people anymore. I talk to chatgpt now so that no one has to feel burdened by my day-to-day anxiety. Therapy has been a mainstay since age 11. I've done multiple levels of treatment. They do not replace community. Hell, sometimes I wish it could. I deeply miss my inpatient stay because I was surrounded by interesting, brave people going through similar things who also spent quality time with me. That's all I ever wanted.

Socializing and the desire for loved ones is the one need I cannot figure out how to meet on my own. I have a cat who is my entire world, but that world is too small. I am uncertain whether I can even accurately consider anyone my "friend" because I don't know if they really know me.

I spent my entire life making myself smaller for others. Social groups keep repeating that process. I feel like a defective product. I struggle to intuit social rules, but overthinking them doesn't seem to help much. And learning through failure is costly.

I'm learning about codependency and I took a read at some of these posts. My heart goes out to you all. You didn't deserve to take on the adult's emotional states, you deserved to have them be the ones who were there for YOU.

I can see how hard and scary, and painful, it is to stick up for yourself. Something like "I'm sorry, I'm dealing with a lot myself and don't have the bandwidth" has been coded as a nuke in your brains. You guys have been taught that you don't matter by people who were so absorbed by their own lives, they effectively erased the ones they loved.

I wish I could say this in behalf of all people but I'm so sorry for every moment you felt trapped in a conversation you didn't want to be in. I'm autistic and I definitely enjoy talking with/info dumping on people I care about. To me, sharing such deep parts of me is telling you, "I love you" and if you're having a bad day and don't have the bandwidth, I'll either catch on to your body language or you'd say so. But now I can see that's not always the case; the there are people who were forced to uphold the world invisibly who are afraid of the world falling down even as adults.

Reddit friends, I hope this random guy seeing you helps you heal at least a small amount. I'm going to be on the lookout for this now.

As for relationship dynamics I've been seeing people talk about, I can see how complicated it is. Balancing needs between two people can get complicated, but when codependency or a history of codependency is involved, it can get downright messy.

My unsolicited theory is to understand needs and nuance right at the start. It's ok to lean on others when appropriate and available. No one person can be your one support, even if they mean the most to you. Specifically because they can't always be there when you need them. Learn to be independent as much and as often as you can regarding your emotional needs. Lean on people when needed and available. It might be a struggle for this next bit, but leaning on each other (both of you) for a bit more than needed for general comfort is also ok. Like you can do all chores yourself but splitting them based on capacity is best for both of you. Same kind of thing emotionally.

I might be wrong but it sounds like the people you all have a hard time with are those who get so used to coming to you for help, they stop seeing you as a friend or partner and they stop caring. Is that right? That's awful. If someone is straight up using you without any thought to your wellbeing, that's not ok. I forget that people can objectify humans so often.

You are no longer in danger; you are strong enduring warriors of the heart. You are far stronger than you may know. You don't need to survive anymore. Put your amygala away (if only) and always hold two truths at once: "The only people in my life are ones that respect and care about me" and "I care deeply about those in my life." Put your own mask on first.

I'm sure I've said many things you've heard before; my main goal was to tell you that someone on the outside sees you and feels for you. Please take good care of yourselves. I'll step off the soap box now 😂😅

I'm an adult daughter (33) and I'm at my breaking point. My mental health is completely shot even though I have a psychotherapist. I need advice from people who had to step back from a sick parent who refuses to help themselves.

I am from a country where social services are not a big thing. My parents divorced when I was 14 because my dad (now 56, lives alone) lost everything to gambling, shady "get rich quick" ideas, and bad business moves. He lost his own money, our family savings, apartments, and money borrowed from relatives. Later my mom provided him with the apartment, because he was left outside.

After the divorce, he would call me crying, begging me to ask my mom for cash: "Please, help me, otherwise I will die." When she blocked him, I had to deal with all his breakdowns on the phone.

As a child, going anywhere with him - like the zoo or movies - was full of anxiety. He would get into fights with random strangers over tiny things, and I would end up crying and trying to pull him back. But I still loved him. He was always gentle with me, never yelled at me, and used to sneak me out of kindergarten to get ice cream when I was sad.

His Health vs. How He Behaves

His health is genuinely awful. He has diabetes, blocked leg arteries (he can barely walk for 2 minutes without severe pain), heart failure, multiple stents, a past major heart surgery, and now pneumonia or bronchitis. Still, he barely takes his meds. He says he "forgets," or that they don't work, and while he was always disorganized, he just doesn't prioritize it. He keeps smoking because he says he's "nervous." To him, every single doctor is stupidor incompetent.

In the past, when he had pneumonia and was hospitalized, he literally snuck out of the hospital to run errands and meet "important people." Right after getting a heart stent put in, he went straight to a poker club. Right now, he's having pneumonia or bronchitis, but refuses to go to the ER because he claims he has "bigger problems to deal with.", even though he says doctor’s prescriptions have no effect on him (he sent me the photo-proof that he bought the medicines though).

The Money and Health Loophole

The worst part is that he uses his health to manipulate me, but at the same time his health really is critical. That's what messes with my head: I know he's guilt-tripping me, but I also know that if he drops dead tomorrow, it’s not an act.

There is a clear pattern: whenever his health gets worse, an urgent request for money follows right away (or vice-versa). He creates a huge sense of panic, saying that without money to pay off some debt, "life makes no sense," sometimes even hinting at suicide.

He is blacklisted by all banks, so he has tried to get me to take out loans or sign as a guarantor for him. Once my husband borrowed me money for him, the other time I was ready to take the loan myself just to avoid the following drama, but everyone around me stopped me and it was really hard to stop.

I send him money every other day so he can eat and buy medicine. But the money constantly disappears into gambling or debts. Soon after, he'll text me a photo of instant noodles or say all he has left to eat is an egg and butter. That triggers my panic that he's starving, so I send him more.

Before, I used to run to his place, fight him to take his pills, and drag him to doctors. It completely broke me. I don’t have any emotional resources to invest to try to convince him to go to rehab, or therapy. This past year, I try to decrease the contact

• I don't go to his apartment or bring him food anymore. Just stepping foot in that place gives me intense panic and drains me for days. Also the closer I am, the more money he asks for (which I don’t have, but NO is not enough for him). He starts talking about his stupid business problems, who did what, who gave what to whom, or even worse - how he almost had a full-house in poker, or how one football team missed his genius betting ticket - he even ignores when I say that I’m not interested in his financial schemes, and he keeps talking.
• We don't have a normal relationship. I just send him money from afar so he doesn't starve. I intentionally don't ask about his life (apart from health), because any question turns into a financial or medical crisis.
• Even when he's quiet, it terrifies me. If I don't hear from him, I assume he collapsed. When I panic and check on him, he tells me he feels terrible and counts all the issues - and then asks for money. If I hear from him - I panic, if I don’t hear from him - I panic 😀

All day long, horrible thoughts pop into my head. I constantly picture him collapsed on the floor, dying alone and suffering. I compulsively check his "last seen" on WhatsApp just to see if he's still alive. Before he didn’t have this “last seen” feature on, so I would start recording my screen and put the phone aside to find the moment if he got “online” at any point, then when he visited me once, I secretly enabled that functionality on his phone.

My friend, who used to be his cardiologist, recently told me straight up: "His health is bad, he doesn't take his meds, he is killing himself, and he is dragging you down with him."

Then there pops up another thought and fear: I just got married, and my biological clock is ticking, but when I think about it, I’m terrified to have a child, because I know that if I stop working, there is literally nobody else on earth who will fund his life. My husband categorically refuses to give him a single cent any more (that also makes me angry on him sometimes, but so far I can stop that anger).

My brain knows I can't force a 56-year-old grown man to care about his own life or take a pill. But emotionally, trying to set boundaries makes me feel like a horrible daughter who is abandoning her sick dad. I really pity him, I imagine how kind he is to animals, or sometime how caring he used to be to someone in need. I don’t give myself the right to be happy, knowing that somewhere out there, that man is ill, very ill, and may be needing immediate help. I pity him deeply.

My questions:

1. What should I do? Really....
2. How do you stop picturing them dying alone or having constant fear that they collapsed?
3. How do you stop feeling responsible for their emergencies when their health really is in danger? Should I even try to do that?
4. How do you step back when they constantly use real sickness, hunger, and suicide hints that make you feel guilty? I don't even understand does he do it on purpose and he is so cruel, or he doesn't even realize that it hurts me, even thought I've told him many times?
5. How do you accept that prioritizing your own future, your life, might mean completely cutting off an aging parent who has no safety net except for you?

We broke up about a month ago mutually and we had been together for 7 years and lived together. I just miss him so much. The stress and loneliness of the relationship gave me physical pain because of the weekend binge drinking and me feeling obligated to care for and pay attention to his adolescent kids he had on the weekends since he didn’t pay them much attention. Don’t get me wrong he loves them so much but his alcoholism/escapism came first and he just wanted to force them to do things he liked to do even if they didn’t like it or want to do it. He never took interest in their interests. So I did the emotional labor because it killed me to see it. And they called me mom, so I’m heartbroken about being out of their lives too.

Also my family lived very far away and I missed them a lot and it was wearing on me to make the drive to visit them many times a year. I have a huge support system there. It was just not a good fit being so far away from them and my friends. I was so lonely. But like many of us codependents I was addicted to him in a way. Even though it was slowly killing me. I told him if we ever get back together I can’t handle the drinking anymore and we need to live closer to my family. He wants to lessen how much he drinks but he said he doesn’t want to stop completely. And he wants to be able to make mistakes without someone (me) coming down on him and judging him. So he wants to work on it alone.

We really loved each other though and still do and it ended amicably. We care about each other and it just kills me that this person I love has this problem that makes me unable to be with him. I’m just grieving and it fucking hurts. And the intimate times were the best I’d ever had. I miss it so much. Except when he was shitfaced in the middle of the night begging for it with whiskey dick 🙄. I do NOT miss that.

I used to do things like go to fairs, days out, picnics etc alone loads before I met my partner and started just going out with him. He hangs out with his friends every now and then and I’ll find something to do home alone if my mum isn’t available to go out with me.

I recently jointed a gym and since the time change, the evening will be getting darker by the time I finish so have asked my partner to pick me up but I’ve not been in the last two weeks.

I’m scared of going out for a walk alone when this is all I did every evening before meeting him. Any help?

Self-Forgiveness

"Many adult children struggle with self-forgiveness because we are oriented to doubt ourselves or to be hypercritical of ourselves as children." BRB p. 234

We carry messages in our heads that if we do something and anyone has a negative reaction, we must have made a mistake. And if anyone tells us we did something wrong, our first thought is, "Of course they're right!" It doesn't matter whether we actually did something wrong or not.

We tell ourselves things like "I should have known better!" "What's the matter with me?" "Look at his expression; of course he's mad at me." These are like the messages we heard as children that became so ingrained that we learned at a very early age to say them to ourselves.

Now as adults in ACA, we stop "beating ourselves up" and see the full story. Our healthy support system can help us understand the reality of our situation, to determine what's really ours and what actually belongs to someone else.

On this day I will remember that I deserve to treat myself better! I will use the tools of the program to separate myself emotionally from an uncomfortable situation and take on only what belongs to me.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №310

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3NA%3D%3D

Learning to be a better partner for my codependent partner who falls into patterns of over giving, then feeling resentful and burnt out.

I (20m)am a college student, and recently my girlfriend (19f) asked for a break. We’ve been dating for over a year long distance, and since September this is the first time we’ve actually lived in the same place. She realized our relationship had become way too codependent. Basically, my entire identity and source of happiness became tied to her. I did not have much of a support system outside of her, so she was carrying all my emotional weight.

We agreed to a one month(or more idk) break so I can work on myself. I just don’t know how to do that. I constantly feel like i don’t want to do anything other than be with her. She’s so funny and loving and I really want to be better for her.

I live near the university and commute in, and i’ve also already done one year here. She lives in a dorm and has already built a friend group, who do not really like me. Because she lives in dorms, it feels like socialising is effortless for her. She always eats at the dining hall with her friends and she can go hang out or study with them whenever.

Since she was carrying all my emotions for me, it really hit her mental health. Especially with the fact that this is her first time away from home and there is a lot of change as well as stress for homework and midterm. I’d get upset because it felt like she’d ditch me for her friends and she didn’t give me enough time. We kept getting into arguments and it wasn’t good for me or her. She felt like she couldn’t hang out with friends because it’d upset me, and i felt like I was pushing her away because I couldn’t deal with my own emotions and loneliness.

This weekend she went to a Halloween party with them. I was not invited, and seeing videos of her having a great time without me, it makes me feel happy for her, but also at the same time I just wish i could be there with her. I tried to reach out to some guys I know to hang out, but everyone was busy, which just made me feel like i have nobody.

I know I need to build my own life. I am trying to get back into my hobbies like playing my bass, working out, and focusing on my degree. But the emotional emptiness I feel just makes it hard for me to feel like doing anything.

How can I improve myself for her? It feels like an impossible task. We both still love each a lot but she felt like she had to make this decision, which is fair. We both really want this to work out, and I definitely don’t want to lose her.

As we work on our healing, I’ve come to realise that our emotions can influence our thoughts. Sometimes, what we think may not actually reflect reality because our thoughts are being shaped by anxiety, fear, or our own unresolved pain.

For example, as someone who struggled with severe codependency, I used to believe that I needed to rescue people because they were in so much pain and suffering. I would feel compelled to help them, fix their problems, and make things better for them.

However, as I continue to heal and my fixer mentality gradually reduces, I’ve started to see things differently. I’ve realised that people may not necessarily be suffering as much as I perceive them to be. Back then, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and my own emotional pain, and I may have projected a lot of those feelings onto others.

Now, I understand that sometimes, we need to allow people to go through their own experiences because that is how they learn, grow, and become stronger. If I constantly step in to fix things for them, I may unintentionally enable them rather than allow them to develop the ability to cope with their own challenges.

This is one of the significant shifts in perspective I’ve experienced compared to how I used to think.

Another change I’ve noticed is how I respond to other people’s suffering. In the past, whenever I read about someone going through a difficult situation, I would become emotionally consumed by it. I would obsess over their circumstances, imagine what they might be going through, and vividly picture their suffering in my mind and also traumatise myself with it. It was almost as though I was experiencing THEIR pain myself.

But as I heal, I’ve noticed that my mind no longer automatically goes down that path. I can acknowledge someone else’s suffering without becoming consumed by it.

Another pattern I used to struggle with was the need to manage other people’s emotions. Whenever someone felt uncomfortable, upset, or distressed, I would become anxious because their emotional state affected mine. I would feel compelled to soothe them, comfort them, or make their discomfort go away.

Now, I’m learning that people have the ability and capacity to cope with their own emotions. They can learn to regulate themselves, and I don’t always have to step in and do it for them.

I’m learning to stop being the regulator of other people’s emotions and allow them the space to self-regulate. Of course, I can still offer support when needed, but I no longer feel the need to immerse myself in their emotions or take responsibility for how they feel.

Those of you who are recovering from codependency, what shifts have you noticed in your thought patterns as you heal?

As we recover from codependency, our anxiety may decrease, our emotional distress may become more manageable, and our nervous systems may gradually become more regulated. As a result, I wonder whether our thoughts also begin to change.

Perhaps we become less likely to interpret situations through the lens of our own insecurities, fears, and projections. Instead, we may become better at seeing things as they are, distinguishing facts from assumptions, and responding to situations based on what is actually happening rather than what our anxiety tells us might be happening.

Do share your experiences so that I can reflect and learn from them too.

Is wanting people to take an interest in your life codependent?

Backstory:

I have a group of casual friends that I enjoy spending time doing activites with. I know a fair bit about their lives, when we're in person we talk about them.

They know that I'm on this really cool work trip right now, something I'm really excited about. But no one has asked about how it's going or anything. Even texting a pic in the group chat didn't yield anything.

I just don't know why the genuine enthusiasm for other people's interests isn't reciprocated.

I read this post and it feels very annoying. Sorry in advance.