I don’t know where else I can share this so…
I was 5 years old when I first started watching porn, and I’ve watched it every day ever since. I feel like growing up with that kind of exposure completely distorted my perspective on sex. It made me think certain things were normal when they really weren’t, and I ended up trying things that other people thought were weird because I genuinely didn’t understand the difference.
When I was 7, I experienced COCSA involving my best friend, who was 8 at the time. She would initiate sexual behaviors between us, and I was so young that I didn’t understand what was happening or what it meant.
Around that same age, she would also involve me in making sexual videos to send to older men in exchange for money. She would get me to go on Omegle with her, where we engaged in sexual behavior together. Looking back, I realize how young we both were and how inappropriate and unsafe those situations were. I didn’t understand the full meaning or consequences of what we were doing.
I also experienced something sexual at a sleepover with my sister’s best friend, who was 13 when I was 7, it happened in the same bed we were all sharing, my sister was next to us. It’s been years and I’m waiting to tell her this story when we’re grown
As I got older, my relationship with sex became increasingly unhealthy. I felt like I was addicted to it, and that vulnerability eventually contributed to me being groomed and raped.
One of the hardest things for me to live with is knowing that what my best friend did to me influenced me to do similar things to other people when I was little. I still think about it, and the guilt eats at me. I know I was a child, too, and I was exposed to things I couldn’t fully understand, but I still struggle with the thought that I may have hurt someone else.
I feel like my childhood experiences shaped my entire understanding of sex before I was even old enough to comprehend what it meant. I’m still trying to make sense of everything that happened, how it affected me, and how to live with the guilt of my own actions without ignoring the things that happened to me.
I wish I could go back and give my younger self the protection, guidance, and understanding I needed. I was just a child, and I didn’t understand how much these experiences would affect me years later.
I just needed to get this off my chest. Lol