I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRAhowf](u/ThrowRAhowf)

Originally posted to: [r/Advice](r/Advice) and their page [u/ThrowRAhowf](u/ThrowRAhowf)

The guy I am talking to is a virgin, and I don’t know how I feel or if it’s a red flag

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying, virgin shaming, purity culture, whatever-the-opposite-of-purity-culture-is, slut shaming, judgmental

Mood spoiler: ragebait-inducing frustration

Original post - October 4th, 2026

Hello guys. I am 22F and I have recently begun seeing this 24 year old guy. He is a lovely guy and is like the provider type, and has been very caring. I have been talking to him since August, and we went exclusive last week.

One thing I gotta be honest about is I have been in terrible relationships prior to this. I was also in a bad place mentally where I was stuck in situationships while being promised something real, and I had a lot of unlearning to do. I was super immature, and cared about the wrong things. And I know I am not the only one, I know friends who were the same, and we all grew and evolved together. I also had predatory men who were in their upper twenties and early thirties manipulate me.

Because of this, when I started dating this year, I dated with the intention of not sleeping with anyone until a) we became exclusive AND b) we had been exclusive for 3-4 months. He was okay with these rules, and I never inquired why he was or anything, but that was enough for me.

But, despite that, I think it’s normal to have had some partners when you are 22, much less when you are 24. But I was speaking to him last night on FaceTime(he is traveling for work, and we are going to meet up when he’s back) and the topic came up of how we are waiting. I told him honestly I had terrible experiences in the past and that’s why I would rather we wait and he was understanding. This is also not the first time I told him, I told him when we were first talking, but last night I went into detail. He was very caring and empathetic and said he’s sorry I went through that. I really like him, he was gentle and hearing me out, but not trying to blame me or offer unsolicited advice or solutions. He just let me vent and was affirming my thoughts. It verbally felt like he let me lean on him as I vented.

When I asked him about his past, since I told him about mine, he confessed he hasn’t been with anyone yet and I would be his first. I was taken aback, and I asked him why he hasn’t lost his virginity or been in a relationship, and he said he focused on academics and getting his career together(he does have a good job and he’s successful) took most of his time and when he realized he was ready to focus on dating, time had passed. He also said he’s not religious, he’s an atheist, and it’s not like he’s waiting for marriage either.

He asked if it was a dealbreaker, and I honesty said I am not sure I need time to think. He was understanding and told me to contact him again once I made the decision, preferably within the next couple of days. He did seem a bit upset, but didn’t show it or anything. Just saw his facial expressions change a bit.

I am not sure. I feel Ike being a virgin at 24 is a little bit alarming. He’s not religious or waiting till marriage either. I feel like this means there is either something wrong with him or a red flag I am not seeing, because why would women not have chosen him before he was 24? I could understand if he was religious and waiting for marriage, but this reeks of red flags, no? Like he could secretly be someone who’s in favor of purity culture?

Would this be a red flag?

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is abbreviated as ‘C’, so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’):

C1: Why in the world would that be alarming to you? As he said, he had other priorities. Not every man is motivated by sex. I would understand if he was throwing up some other red flag, but he's not. Don't push this good man away just because he had self-control and restraint when he was younger.

OP to C1: But it’s not a common thing. When everyone has experiences, why would he be singled out? Is it not a statement about how no one else wanted him, especially if he’s not even waiting for marriage?

C2: I think you are the red flag for this

OP to C2: People having a past is not a red flag, grow up

Edit: I apologize you meant my thoughts. I don’t think it’s a red flag, but as a woman you need to think about why no other woman wanted him…

C3: Definitely a red flag. He wont treat you like a piece of meat to bang asap. Sure girl, u need to go for a bad boy.

OP to C3: ???

Very rude, first off, and second of all, there is a difference between a “bad boy” and a man who is on track with the rest of his peers and not lagging behind…

C4: Because that’s his choice? Not everyone is the same. YOU grow up

OP to C4: I think everyone is misunderstanding me. I would not be here if he said something like “oh I am waiting for marriage” or “oh I have beliefs”. I think there is a difference between that and just not being able to get into a relationship… that’s the red flag for me. Any other 24 year old in his circumstances with his beliefs would usually have had at least one prior relationship. I am not saying he’s not a good person, but I am rather worried if I am overlooking something major, because of how abnormal it is.

C5: never had alcohol or tobacco or consumed anything that is not nutritive . am i also lacking behind ? such a weird mentalite

OP to C5: Those are inherently bad habits, sex and relationships are not vices inherently

Update - October 19th, 2026

Yes we broke up

I broke up with him because it’s something I care about. It’s not a big deal, he also understood, I want to find someone on the same level of life as me. He has since moved on and not texted me(which is not something I am complaining about, good for him) and I have done the same. Back on the apps trying to find my person.

Nothing else to say. I think everyone got super worked up. I am only posting this, because you guys were more worked up than he ever was, he was super understanding. I hope some of you don’t take my preference for wanting someone who’s not a virgin personally(which I assume many of you did which is why I received a ton of comments and DMs that were full of slut shaming and misogyny), you will find someone too relax. Work on your personality too while you’re at it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: Bro. If you slept with him, he would no longer be a virgin. Either this is the biggest ragebait of all time or you are a seriously messed up person and you need serious help. For the record, plenty of men lie about their body count. The fact he admitted to you he is a virgin should've been the biggest green flag imaginable bc it's an incredibly shameful thing to admit, mostly because of disgusting people like you. Just because he showed understanding doesn't mean you haven't just shattered his soul think of his fucking POV? You'd had bodies, what if he said to you "you're a whore I don't date whores sorry". Would that be okay? Clearly it would and I pray it happens to you.

C2: You do know people only threw a fit because you made it seem like a big flag, of the guy being a possible abuser, douche, whatever. Because he didn’t have sex by 24, despite telling you why

You made him seem like a dangerous person when he literally just didn’t want any. That doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything or women are repulsed by him, just that he doesn’t take anyone who throws themselves at him

\I’m happy you left him but you need to analyze why you found “I haven’t had sex yet due to my career” and internally read that as “sus” and a “red flag to look out for”*

C3: thank you for having enough sense to let him go. i'm glad he didn't take it hard, as he deserves somebody who sees him as a person and not an object. you're young (yes, 22 is young. very much so) so i encourage you to work on gaining so sense around dating before trying to talk to people again. you clearly do not know how to navigate simple "concerns" (in quotes bc a lack of sexual history isn't a concern) and would do better learning about how life works before trying to throw your hat into the ring of lifelong companionship

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULES AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaway_6030

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & r/amiwrong

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 10, 2021

• Update 1: October 14, 2021

• Update 2: December 02, 2021

• Update 3: June 29, 2022

• Final Update: September 01, 2023

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Main Post

^{August 10, 2021}

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AITA for calling my baby's mother petty for not letting me be in the delivery room?

My ex and I were engaged but broke it off early into her pregnancy. We had a lot of issues, but our breakup was precipitated by her catching me sexting people behind her back and a couple of flings. Overall, we have kept it amicable through her pregnancy but I definitely wouldn't call us friends.

I called to check on her since she is due within the next month and asked what the plan for delivery was. I guess I assumed I would be in the room when the baby is being born. She told me due to COVID precautions she is only allowed one person with her while she is in the hospital and she's going to have her best friend with her-that I could meet the baby once she gets home. I got angry and told her it was petty and vindictive to not allow me in the room to witness our child's birth. She snapped back and told me she needs someone who brings her comfort and she can be vulnerable with and that's not me. AITA for calling her petty in this situation?

Edit to add: Since these have been questioned in the comments

• I cheated on her. Yes some of it was before she was pregnant, she broke it off cause she caught me sexting when we were laying in bed one night and then found all the other stuff

• We ended on the note we would try to be friends for the baby. We were going to try to go to counseling and see if we could fix things and work it out for the baby but then she caught me in a lie (not cheating again but related to lying trying to minimize her hurt due to what I'd done) and she cut me off completely other than giving me updates after each appointment and inviting me to a 3D ultrasound. It's been entirely her choice to not be friends.

• Her best friend hasn't even been around for her pregnancy since she's been traveling for work. She's only coming back now to help with labor and recovery then leaving again.

• Last, part of why I feel it's pettiness motivating her choices is cause she is using COVID as a reason to keep my family from meeting the baby. She told me she thinks only my parents should meet her until she gets a bit older, and wants them to wear masks. But she's still working as a nurse getting exposed to COVID DAILY so how is it really that much of a concern to her. I feel like it's about control over the baby.

 

COMMENTS

SoullessCycle

YTA only the person with the new human coming out of their body gets a say in who is in the birthing room.

If you should have been the birthing room person, wouldn’t you have been asking about the birth plan sooner than “she’s due within the next month.” Have you been going to the Dr appointments? Lamaze classes? Preparing in any way to be the calming presence for the actual pregnant person during labor?

OOP (downvoted)

I couldn't go to any doctors appointments since they weren't allowing visitors. She paid for one of those 3D ultrasounds and invited me to go, which I did. I've been preparing for the baby, bought clothes and a crib.

If she needed me to support her during labor I'd do whatever she told me to. I even told her I wouldn't look down there when she's pushing if it made her more comfortable. I don't plan on any more kids so if I don't see my baby be born then I'll never have that opportunity again. The baby is just as much mine as it is hers.

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centiscorch

YTA you absolutely destroyed that relationship by yourself. Of course she doesnt trust you and doesnt want you there she probably doesnt want anything from you but childsupport money. Get to work bud! Should have been loyal and worked on whatever you were upset with her for or just been honest and broke it off when you realized you werent satisfied instead of cheating on her and destroying her faith in you

OOP (downvoted)

No, she's told me several times she doesn't want or need any money from me and "I just want you to step up and keep your promises to our kid since you seem to have an issue keeping your word." That's part of why I feel like her decision comes from pettiness because she says shit like that sometimes

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chi_lawyer (downvoted)

YTA for the delivery room specifically, but CTA (COVID is TA) once delivery is over. Your child will be an independent person, and it's reasonable to want to visit your child in the hospital as soon as their mother is no longer undergoing a medical procedure for which the child must be present.

OOP (downvoted)

That's the issue. The visitor isn't allowed to swap out, so I don't get to see the baby until she's discharged home due to her not wanting me there. I might not see the baby until it's 2 or 3 days old.

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BaconEggAndCheeseSPK

Hahahahaha YTA. You don’t get to watch your baby be born when when you cheated on your baby’s mother. You’d have to be insane to think you’ve maintained that privilege.

I cannot imagine the mental gymnastics you are going through to actually think your ex is being petty for not choosing you to support her during labor instead of someone who actually gives a shit about her.

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[deleted]

YTA you cheated and then expected to be there at her most vulnerable moment in her life. She wants someone who she can trust and you have clearly proven you aren't that person.

 

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CONSENSUS: Asshole

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Update 1 - after 2 months, 4 days

^{October 14, 2021}

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AITA for refusing to cover part of my ex-fiance's hospital bills

My ex and I broke up early in her pregnancy, we've remained somewhat amicable, we had a couple fights about me not being in the delivery room but have been ok since. She had our baby about 4 weeks ago, and I told her to keep me updated on any hospital bills she might get because I would pay half.

I was visiting the baby and my ex brought out the bills, typical stuff, the baby's pediatrician and her delivery, after insurance it was going to cost us about $1000 each. Then she pulled out a bill for an anesthesiologist and when I asked what that was about, since she didn't have a c-section she said it was for her epidural during labor.

I kind of chuckled and told her she was on her own for that bill (which was $900 on its own, almost the cost of everything else). She asked me if I was being serious and I confirmed I wouldn't pay that portion, that is was her choice to get an epidural, it wasn't essential to her safely delivering the baby and plenty of women have given birth without one. She told me I was being ridiculous and that "if you could feel how being in labor felt you wouldn't be questioning getting pain relief at all". She stayed pretty silent and cold with me until I left.

I talked to my Mom after the fact and she thinks I'm in the right, she had me and my siblings without anything. I think I might be the asshole though because when I talked to my sister about it she said pain relief can make or break your experience.

So, AITA for refusing to pay this additional expense?

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Update 2 - after 3 months, 22 days (after 1 month, 18 days from last post)

^{December 02, 2021}

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AITA for telling my baby's mother she only breastfeeds to keep me from having visitation

My ex and I have a baby who is almost 3 months. I come and visit her at my ex's home for 3 hours at a time once or twice a week. I've been itching to get alone time with the baby so we can bond better, but she breastfeeds only, won't take a bottle and won't take formula. I've tried numerous times to get baby to eat the bottle so I can have visits at my place with her but she just screams. All through her pregnancy my ex said she might try breastfeeding but wasn't sure. Then covid got bad again and because of her job (she's a nurse) she freaked out and wanted baby to have antibodies since she's vaccinated and has also had covid before.

Right now the baby won't smile at me like she does for her Mom-in fact over the last few visits as soon as I hold her it's instant waterworks. My ex tries to stay out of our way or only come out of her room when the baby is hungry but that doesn't make any difference. Out of frustration I handed the baby back to my ex and raised my voice a bit, saying basically that our current arrangement isn't working and I want my visits with the baby at my place.

My ex asked how that would even work since she won't eat from me and I said to her "we both know you only breastfed to keep me from her in the first place, she'll figure it out". Part of the frustration also comes from the fact that none of my family has met my child yet-my ex offered to host them in her home but my Mom is a homebody and won't drive there in addition to them living an hour away. My ex started crying after I said that and told me she refuses to let our baby starve for my "fragile ego" and I'll have to fight her in court, which she was trying to avoid for the sake of the baby.

Part of why I think I'm the asshole is because if the baby truly won't eat for me she'll be miserable. But everyone in my family reassures me that if she gets hungry enough she'll eat, and I'm convinced my ex breastfed in the first place to make visitsharder for me. So AITA?

 

COMMENTS

mikokat

INFO: Is your ex not comfortable breastfeeding around you or are you the one not comfortable with it?

OOP (downvoted)

She'll breastfeed around me but uses a blanket to cover up

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educatedvegetable (downvoted)

INFO: Is there a reason your ex can't pump for bottle feeding other then the perception "she doesn't want to"‽

OOP (downvoted)

She does pump and has a lot frozen for when she goes back to work. I try giving baby the bottle and she just screams and won't suck on it no matter what I try

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Update 3 - after 10 months, 19 days (after 6 months, 27 days from last post)

^{June 29, 2022}

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AITA for refusing to pay half of childcare

I have an infant child (almost 1) that I coparent with my ex, we went to a mediator rather than the courts to come up with our parenting plan. Our current arrangement is I take her for 4 hours 3 times a week. My ex has her the rest of the time. We went through mediation and agreed on no child support but that we would split 50/50 expenses for her.

The issue came up when my ex asked for half her childcare expenses. Her sister watches the baby on the nights she works (shes a nurse and works 3 nights a week) and when she sleeps. I don't always take the baby when my ex is sleeping from working the night before. So for the last month I guess it came out to $200. I told my ex that I wouldn't pay it-she was responsible for paying for the child care when she has the baby. She got upset and told me it was in the parenting plan for 50/50 and that this month was higher because I worked all the days she worked and that it fluctuates based on when I'm able to take the baby.

I then got upset and told her that I'd take her for 50/50 and I wanted to know every penny she made, what she spent on my child with receipts unless she agreed to a set amount in writing for how much I'm actually obligated each month. When I called the mediator and demanded a change on our paperwork she acted shocked because of all we had agreed on previously, so I'm wondering if I'm an asshole. I'm pissed because she's playing games with me and my kid.

TLDR baby mama wants half of childcare expenses even though I don't need childcare for my time with her

 

COMMENTS

dazedkatwoman

YTA. I don't know why you only get so few hours but you benefit from the childcare, too, because you aren't the one watching the child while she works. Plus, your plan stipulates splitting costs 50/50. This is a nad way to start a coparenting relationship.

OOP (downvoted)

I live with my parents and work a good amount of overtime so I don't have free time like her Mom does. Plus I don't have a lot of experience with kids so I want to work up to 50/50

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PaintLicker_2022

YTA. If you weren’t available or unwilling to take the child when you both worked, that’s a necessary expense and subject to the 50/50 cost split. As long as the hourly rate is reasonable, and she can provide proof payment was made and a Tax ID so that you can claim that on your taxes, you need to pay up. These expenses should be known ahead of time so that you aren’t surprised when they are due though. That should be accomplished when she offers them to you when she works and needs help taking care of her.

I’d say taking her to court is a bad idea. You may end up a lot worse off than you are now and owe child support on top of splitting expenses…

OOP (downvoted)

She makes more than me so if I take her for 50/50 she'll be owing me child support

VioletSkyeDreams

Not if you only have the kid for 12 hours

OOP (downvoted)

I want 50/50 custody now that she's playing with me

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Choice_Werewolf1259

YTA. Your delusional right now. 50/50 means half of all expenses. No if’s ands or buts. And the fact that she has primary custody means there will never be an instance where daily expenses don’t fall to her. I’m shocked it’s so low actually.

Get your head out of your ass and grow up or you will find out quickly what happens when you violate a legal contract.

OOP (downvoted)

I want 50/50 now that she's being petty

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Substantial_Bench102

You have two issues going on here.

an understanding of what child care expenses are and whether babysitting when you cant take the child is a child care expense. (Hint. It is)

‘Is your ex actually incurring the expense or fabricating it? You don’t have the right to demand everything about her finances , but you do have the right to ask for and receive proof of payment along with any receipts. If she’s paying her sister and she can prove it, than you owe half the expense. I would only do this if it is work related. If it’s just her wanting a night off, that’s on her.

Has she been dishonest about finances in the past? Is that why you reacted so strongly? Or are finances so tight that unexpected increases causes you a lot of stress?

OOP (downvoted)

She showed me a log of the hours and I know her schedule since she works set days so it is for sure when she works or is sleeping from working.

I already pay half my daughters health insurance and so a random extra $200 or so a month adds up. I'm trying to save for my own place. When we were together she paid all the bills for our house and food. I don't know her exact salary because she handled all our expenses.

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Final Update - after 2 years, 22 days (after 1 year, 2 months, 3 days from last post)

^{September 01, 2023}

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Am I wrong for telling my ex that my daughter shouldn't have certain clothes restricted to her house?

My ex and I have a toddler together. We haven't been together since before she was born and we split all expenses 50/50. My ex usually buys whatever the baby needs, shows me the items she got and the receipt and I'll send her my portion of it. Most of her clothes are from target or similar stores.

My ex often sends me pictures of my daughter since she has her more. I've noticed since she was born that she's got some super cute clothes sometimes, in really pretty prints that I've never seen before and werent part of what we purchased. If I repost the picture to my social media people always ask where her clothes are from.

I asked my ex where they come from, and she said she buys some boutique type bamboo clothes that are like $40 an outfit. I asked her why the baby never comes over here with those clothes because I feel like the fact I split clothing costs is unfair since I don't have access to all her clothes. My ex said I've ruined countless clothes (because I don't baby her and put a Bib on, I let her be a kid) and she spends her own money on the clothing she likes for our daughter and I'm not entitled to clothes I haven't paid for.

I told my ex she's being a bad parent by restricting clothing to only her home and our daughter will feel bad about it. My ex then said "if you want her to have the same clothes I get you're welcome to purchase them yourself"

TLDR- ex buys toddler expensive clothes, won't let me have those clothes any my house I only get the cheap stuff

 

COMMENTS

OOP (downvoted)

So everyone keeps getting stuck on a couple things.

My daughter hates bibs. Just trying to get one on her is a pain in the ass. I'm not stripping her naked every time she eats that's ridiculous. Her favorite food is pasta with sauce, it's easy to make and I can't really cook so what she eats is what I give her. I'll do that or Mac and cheese usually. Again, it's what I can give her so that's what she eats happily.

Second, I don't keep clothes at my place. I don't do bed time, rarely do bath time, it doesn't really make sense for me to keep a whole wardrobe of wasted clothes here. It's much more logical to keep the clothes with her Mom who does all that stuff and it cuts costs so it works.

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FriendlyMum

Yes. It feels like you trying to create drama with your child’s other parent. You’re going to be a parent of your child for life, please work harder at co-parenting with them for the best outcome for your precious little one. This is ultimately about you both raising your child to the best of your abilities, not creating issues with one another.

An example is that you’ve also got to focus on your own behaviour before picking on theirs. You’ve admitted that you are careless with the clothing that your child wears in your care by refusing to put a bib on. You hand them back ruined for the other parent to say you ruined them - perhaps launder them better.

Not protecting the clothes has a clearly foreseeable outcome of ruining them, so you’re creating an issue here.

I’m gonna take this a step further and tell you that if you ruin an outfit that was jointly paid for then be responsible enough to go out and 100% pay for the replacement. This would be the responsible and respectful thing to do.

Alternatively have a stash of clothes at your place that you out the baby in that you’ve purchased so you can ruin them and let your kid get messy. Nothing wrong with messy play, kids are made out of washable materials! Just be mindful! Eg my kids love to craft when they were little so I always used to buy the washable paints and washable markers and stuff, this way I didn’t have to worry about art smocks - cause it all washed out (including the furniture.)

But if this is something that is causing issues and not working for you both then there needs to be another way discussed to approach the clothes. Perhaps have a chat with a mediator or a therapist and work together as parents to come up with some alternative ideas. Also it’s a great way to build your problem solving skills with one another to get a third party to support the process when you’re having trouble. Parenthood is one of the most significant things, may as well do it right rather than spending the next two decades stirring up issues with one another.

You’re being controlling about this clothes issue. Just because you pay half the cost of the shared clothes doesn’t mean you get access to clothing that the other parent buys 100% for the child. Again, don’t worry about her behaviour, focus on yours. Of course the other parent can buy nice things for your child when your child’s in their care.

OOP (downvoted)

I agree we need to get along better. I think she intentionally pushes my buttons though. She knows j cant afford what she can, so it feels like a slap in the fsce.

Another thing she was saying during this conversation was that when clothes get ruined she goes and replaces them with her own money or has to scrub them a lot to try and fade the stains. I guess one time she did ask me to replace them and I told her no we had to make them last because i wasn't paying again so she took it upon herself to just do it.

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yayayubsea

My ex then said "if you want her to have the same clothes I get you're welcome to purchase them yourself"

What is the issue with this? Explain how this is not fair

OOP (downvoted)

It's an underhanded comment cause she knows I can't afford it and have always been insecure about her making more money than me. It's like she's saying fuck you without coming right out to say it

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/BenShumard

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/goddessofthecats for the BORU rec!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 22, 2026

• Final Update: October 23, 2026

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Main Post

^{October 22, 2026}

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What to do about my girlfriend (f33) getting mad about me (m37) taking a shower when I get home?

I work a job where I get dirty. I have a laundry / mudroom with a bathroom I built behind it. The whole point is that I can step inside the room directly from my back door, take off my dirty work things and put them into a hamper, then hop into a shower and not have to track stuff all over the house.

Every evening when I get home my girlfriend will nag me not to hop right into the shower. She'll want me to come talk to her but then she'll have 25 things she wants me to do. And I don't want to be wandering around my house in dirty clothes. And I don't want to get into clean house clothes being filthy from work. I'll have dirt and grime and gunk under my fingernails and I will smell terrible and I just don't want to be wandering around my house like that.

I help her with anything she wants help with I do whatever she wants me to do . But it's like for some reason she gets mad if I get right into the shower. But if I go in there and talk to her it's going to be 25 things she wants me to do and she's going to get more mad when I say hold on let me take a shower.

It's driving me up the wall because I'm not in there for an hour. It takes me about 20 minutes to scrape my nails shower, and get dressed. And then she's got me for the whole night. I don't know what her deal is or why she gets so frustrated. But it's driving me nuts I don't know how to explain to her for the 700th time that I don't want to have gunk falling out from under my nails while we prepare dinner. There's not always a chance to wash my hands thoroughly and there's definitely not a chance to wash all the sweat and grime off my face before I leave work.

What could be her problem and how do I explain to her that I just need 20 minutes because I don't know how to say it another way I think I said it every possible way. She'll just say "I just need you for a minute" when I ask why she needs me right when I get in the door. But it's never a minute.

 

COMMENTS

TraditionalManager82

Have you, like... Asked her?

OOP

Yes. 

wigglepie

What was her response then?

OOP

I just need you for a minute sometimes. It's not a big deal.

And I say but I'm filthy and she just says, "It's only a minute."

And it's never a minute.

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nodairy48

How long has this been going on?

OOP (downvoted)

We've been together 3 months living together for one so it's been about three and a half weeks.

Ive been chaulking it up to being relatively new.

bannana

WTF. why would you move in with someone after dating for only 2 months??

OOP (downvoted)

Because we're adults and can do what we want. When you're older you know what you want. It's a trial run. We can always walk away.

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floppybunny86 (downvoted)

Does she realise how dirty you actually get? Has she actually seen you when you get home from work?

OOP

Yes, any time I don't hop right in shower she can see my nails and clothes. 

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jupiter_kittygirl

Man, I do not know where she could be coming from…? You sound like a super cool dude for making an outside shower and you cook too. 🏆

OOP

It's not outside, it's behind the mudroom. Basically when I bought my house the laundry room was half laundry room - half this awkward sunroom. And I just made the sunroom part a bathroom and I put a wall down the middle. That way I could just hop into the shower anytime I came inside dirty and I can throw all my stuff in the hamper.

laneykaye65

Is the house only in your name? I am asking because she’s being super controlling. I say that and I am a woman. If she can’t get over herself and stop this behavior it’s never going to work out between you two. If she just needs to feel connected to you immediately when you get home she can meet you in the laundry room and talk to you while you shower. Good luck!! Think you are going to need it with her…

OOP

It's my house

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jugnoosarkar

Is she maybe thinking you cheat? And hop right in the shower to avoid her seeing/smelling anything on you? Sorry, just an overthinker.

OOP

I wouldn't think she would think I'm cheating. I'm just not that kind of guy and I mean it's pretty damn obvious. I'm not wired in a way to where I can have more than one thing going on at once I just don't see the point.

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bee102019

Info: what does she do all day? I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean, does she have a job, go to school, work from home, work in a job where she doesn't interact with people? What I'm getting at- are you essentially the first or maybe only person she engages in any real conversation with all day?

OOP

She works from home

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Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 23, 2026}

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What to do about my girlfriend (f33) getting mad about me (m37) taking a shower when I get home?

I sat her down to talk about it and we got pretty deep into it. She said that she really likes me. A lot more than she has in the other guy she's dated. And at the core of it she's excited for when I get home and wants to talk to me. Especially because I can't really text during the work day.

And she says once the conversation and us joking around gets going she doesn't want it to stop.

She knows that I like to give her my complete attention when we talk and she just assumed I wouldn't want her in there talking to me while I shower because she felt like I would feel like I couldn't give her my full attention.

So I'm just going to have her come in there and tell me about her day while I'm in the shower a couple times a week.

Part of it is WFH too.

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmITheJerk by user MissFlakez. I'm not the original poster. There was a previous BORU here.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: I added paragraph breaks

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Original

October 25, 2026

I work with a guy named Ryan, and we're supposed to split our workload evenly. Lately, he's been disappearing for hours, missing deadlines, and asking me to finish his tasks. I found out he's working another full-time remote job, and apparently, our job has become his backup source of income.

I wouldn't care if he actually did his work, but last week I had to stay two hours late to finish a report he hadn't even started. When I confronted him, he admitted he spends most of our workday doing tasks for his other employer and told me to stop complaining because we get paid the same anyway. I started documenting everything and reported him to our manager.

Now management is investigating, and Ryan found out I was responsible. He called me a snake for potentially getting him fired just because he wanted to make extra money. I don't care how many jobs he has. I care that I'm doing two people's work for one salary. A couple of coworkers think I should've minded my own business, though. AITJ?

TL;DR: My coworker Ryan spends most of his workday doing tasks for his other full-time job, leaving me to finish his work. I documented everything and reported him to our manager. Now he's calling me a snake for potentially getting him fired, and some coworkers think I should've minded my own business.

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Comment by OOP:

For all I care he can work 7 jobs as long as it doesn’t create extra work for me

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Consensus:

Not the Jerk.

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Update

October 27, 2026, 2 days later

Ryan barely spoke to me today, which honestly made work easier until our manager pulled us both into a meeting.

Apparently, Ryan told him that I’d agreed to take over some of his tasks because I had less on my plate. Our manager asked me if that was true, and I said no. I showed him the messages where Ryan asked me to cover for him, including one where he admitted he was busy with his other job. The manager didn't say much in front of Ryan, but afterward, he asked me to send over everything I had documented. He also told me not to cover any more of Ryan's work unless he specifically assigned it to me.

Ryan caught me before I left and said I’d made things unnecessarily complicated when we could’ve just worked it out between ourselves. I asked him how exactly I was supposed to work it out when he expected me to do his job for him. He just walked away. I’m glad management is finally aware of what’s happening, but I’m a little worried Ryan will make things awkward at work from now on. A couple of people have also stopped talking to me as much, so I’m guessing he’s been telling his version of the story.

I still don't regret reporting him, but I didn't expect this much drama over simply refusing to do someone else's job.

TL;DR: Ryan tried to convince our manager that I’d agreed to take over some of his work. I showed the messages proving otherwise, and management is now investigating. Ryan says I should’ve handled it privately, and some coworkers have started acting differently toward me.

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Update 2

October 27, 2026, about 22 hours after the last update

Well, management finished looking into Ryan, and things went a lot differently than I expected. Our manager confirmed that Ryan had been missing deadlines and leaving me to pick up the slack. They apparently also checked his work activity and found that several things he'd claimed to have completed were either unfinished or done by me. I don't know if they were able to prove he was working another job during company hours, but that wasn't really my concern anyway.

Ryan was given a formal warning and put on a performance improvement plan. He's now responsible for his own workload, and our manager made it clear that I won't be expected to cover for him anymore. He's been pretty cold toward me since then, but honestly, I can live with that. The funny thing is that once I stopped quietly fixing his mistakes, our manager finally saw how much work was actually being left undone.

One coworker who'd been giving me the cold shoulder even apologized after realizing how much extra work I'd been doing. Apparently, Ryan had been telling people I reported him out of jealousy because he had two jobs. I still don't care that he has another job. If he can manage both, good for him. But expecting me to do his work while he collects two paychecks was never going to work forever. I'm glad I reported it instead of continuing to put up with it. Maybe I could've handled things differently at first, but I don't think I owed him endless chances while doing his job for him.

TL;DR: Management confirmed Ryan had been leaving work unfinished and relying on me to cover for him. He received a formal warning and a performance improvement plan, and I'm no longer expected to do his work. Some coworkers now understand why I reported him, and I have no regrets.

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I'm not the original poster.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/PainComfortable8891 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 6th January 2025

Update - 7th January 2025

New Update

Update in a comment - 11th February 2025

AITAH for refusing to continue providing free childcare for my stepdaughter?

I did a work program with the local clerk of court's office when I was in high school. They hired me when I graduated, and I had my 30 service years before I turned 50. With 30 service years you can get your full pension at any age. I worked until my first grandchild was born, then I retired to be 'grandma daycare.' I have 5 grands 8 male from my stepson, 7 male from my son, 5 female and 18 month male from my daughter. I babysat all of them with no issues or complaints. I still keep the 18 month old Monday-Friday and the older ones Summer and school holidays.

My stepdaughter and her boyfriend has been non-stop drama since before the baby was born. When she was 10 weeks pregnant they presented a 3 page list of rules for when I was babysitting. They said if I didn't sign it, they wouldn't allow me to babysit. I said that I understood their need to do what was best for their baby and I assured them that there would be no hurt feelings on my end when they made other childcare arrangements.

Some of the rules were almost understandable but most were down right ridiculous, and none of it was going to work for me. I don't remember them all but some examples are: I can't take the baby anywhere without their permission; I can't watch more than 1 additional child while babysitting; I can't cook; I had to provide the full name, dob and address of any potential visitors ahead of time for their approval of the person being 'around' their child; they have to know anytime I have a guest over and know who it is and how long they stay; My 9 year old cat would have to be kept out of rooms where the baby would be, even when the baby wasn't there; I couldn't get another pet without their agreement.

When she was 7 months along they came back with revised rules in an attempt to compromise. I again let them know that their expectations were not going to fit with my life and they should just find other childcare.

Two days after my stepdaughter went back to work, she called and asked if I could keep Cullen the next day. I agreed but made it clear that I was going to provide safe, appropriate care according to my judgement and I wasn't going to deal with complaints or whatever that I was violating their rules because I wanted it very clear that I was not agreeing to any of that.

My stepdaughter was okay on the days she picked Cullen up and dropped him off. I felt like she was interrogating me every time she picked him up but it was tolerable but her boyfriend was downright rude. I got to the point where I actually spent Sunday dreading the start of the week because of dealing with both of them but especially his behavior. At minimum he'd pick up Cullen, make a big deal of partially undress him, make at least one snide comment about my cat or if I had any grandchild over besides the 18 month old or if I had cooked or whatever. Then he'd say, I guess we don't have any choice but to put up with this for now. Or I guess you are happy that you won.

This went on for 4 months.

I spoke to my stepdaughter several times about it and told her that obviously they are very unhappy with how I cared for Cullen and that they should really work on finding something else and that in the meantime he needed to be less vocal about it. It would get better for a day or two and then he'd start again.

It all came to a head as Thanksgiving was approaching. He was very verbal about the fact that he didn't want me to keep all my grandchildren over the break. I made it very clear that there would be a couple of days that I had all of them and that they needed to make other arrangements if they had a problem.

They didn’t make other arrangements and when he picked Cullen up on the first day that I had all my grands, he was very rude and although nothing happened, everyone was happy, clean, fed, had a great day he said (to Cullen) that he was sorry that they had no choice except to leave him in an unsafe situation to be neglected.

I called my stepdaughter that night, relayed to her what was said and told her that she had two weeks to make other arrangements and that she needed to drop off and pick up Cullen during those two weeks and if her boyfriend came to drop him off I would refuse to keep him and if he picked him up I would not keep him again.

So things were better only dealing with her. At some point she asked me if I would keep him until January because they found someone but he couldn't start until then. I agreed. She picked Cullen up and dropped him off everything was fine.

New Year's Day several people sent me a screenshot of a post her boyfriend made on social media about how thankful he was that they were finally able to leave Cullen without worrying about his safety or him being neglected. He didn't outright name me or accuse me of anything specific but anyone who knows us, knows I was keeping him and the post implied plenty.

I was just happy that it was over.

Friday she called me and said that their new childcare provider had told her that Cullen wasn't a good fit and that she couldn't bring him back Monday. She asked if I would start keeping him again. I told her that I was sorry for their situation but I really don't feel comfortable keeping him.

My husband and stepson both think I should watch Cullen under the agreement that Amanda drop him off and pick him up because they think her boyfriend is the big problem and that I should just do it for Cullen's sake. My stepson also commented that I'd probably be more willing to let it go if it had been a conflict with my daughter's husband.

My pension is about $4,000/month plus continuation of my health insurance. That's about 40% of our take home income if that matters.

Aitah for refusing to start watching Cullen again?

Comments

Brilliant-Ad8719

Baby daddy has a real problem. That’s very controlling behavior there. He also may have a distorted view of you if your stepdaughter has complained about her evil stepmother before the baby. Until she needed you that is

Terpsichorean_Wombat

Giving 20 to 1 it's the father who isn't a "good fit" for the new childcare. Bet he went on a dictatorial bender once he was paying and thought that meant he could demand anything he wanted.

teresajs

NTA No, you shouldn't put yourself through this "for Cullen's sake". Cullen will get cared for regardless. There's no need for you to set yourself on fire because your stepdaughter and her BF can't behave like normal human beings. Your husband and stepson are welcome to offer free childcare and put up with this treatment if it's important to them. But you've done your time. Learn from that experience and don't let yourself be put in the same situation again.

blackbird24601

theres a reason the licensed daycare wont keep him its the boyfriend the liability alone would make me pause. he could ruin your lives

HortenseDaigle

Especially after that Facebook post. no way.

LoraiOrgana

Yeah boyfriend could call CPS because of the cat or some other crazy idea. Stay away from these people.

SomeGuyInTheUK

Cullen stands up, Cullen falls over, Cullen bumps head, Cullen gets bruise/mark.

BF calls CPS.

Fuck that. This is why the daycare bailed either they saw the FB post or BF made some low key threat veiled as a comment when picking up Cullen and they didn't want to risk anything.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 1 day later

First let me just address the common suggestion that Amanda's boyfriend is purposely sabotaging their childcare to trap her at home. They make roughly the same amount of money and definitely can't afford to lose half their income. I seriously doubt he wants her to stay home.

Second, I would never tell my stepson to find someone else to watch his child because of a simple difference of opinion. My grandson and I have a very close bond. He's the oldest and it would break my heart and his if he didn't come spend his holidays and summers with me. Plus he's a huge help with the little ones when I have them all and things get hectic. I would never be so petty as to make him (and all my other grandchildren) suffer because of an adult disagreement.

So I sort of asked around about why they were dropped by their new sitter so quickly. Apparently they weren't. Amanda picked Cullen up and dropped him off both days he went and everything was lovely. He did cry a quite a bit, but they expected that to get better as he adjusted to not being held as much.

My husband and stepson talked to Amanda and she said that they realized that they can't afford daycare. They already made the 'easy' changes (packing a lunch, giving up fancy coffee, etc) and his dad and her mom are both giving them about $100/month towards childcare and they can barely afford it, but they didn't realize that you have to send everything the baby needs.

I buy diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, extra clothes etc. They just hand me the baby. They didn't realize that daycare didn't cover all that.

Also, imagine her boyfriend's surprise when he found out what the staffing rates are in this very expensive daycare. 1 adult cares for 5 infants. I guess he thought that someone would provide one-on-one care, diapers, wipes and formula for $350/week.

My stepson relayed their almost apology. They felt overwhelmed by an infant and couldn't imagine that someone else could manage that plus other things.

Cullen is going back to daycare tomorrow. Cullen's dad is selling his dirt bike and Amanda is selling some designer clothes, handbags and shoes to cover the cost. It'll get easier for them in 6 months when he transfers to the 1 year old class, which is a little cheaper.

Comments

pinkbaby2024

I love how Amanda’s boyfriend was shocked to find out that daycare isn’t a magical babysitting fairyland. Newsflash: diapers don’t grow on trees, buddy

grayblue_grrl

Wonder if he is EVER going to apologize for being an absolute idiot. What a moron.

Top_Put1541

No, he'll likely get Amanda pregnant again inside a year because he literally cannot connect cause and effect and neither can Amanda.

engine089

Amanda and her boyfriend needed to realize that parenting comes with sacrifices.

bippityboppitynope

NTA.

Gee, things cost money and babies are a lot of work. Boyfriend is a flaming idiot who killed the golden goose. He has no idea the favor you were doing them and he is a shitty person.

My bestie owned a daycare pre covid and our kids went to her. Even with the friend discount it was 375 a week because we had 3 kids there, 2 full time and one before and after school. She is a fucking angel for discounting it so much. In our area that usually would be 2.5 times that much and we couldn't afford it. I thanked her constantly. I made sure our diapers and wipes were stocked plus extras just to be safe. I sent snacks for all the kids when I could. I brought her bottles of wine. Because that is how you treat someone doing you a huge favor. With gratitude.

Her boyfriend is too stupid to breed. Sad she figured that out too late.

My mom babysits for free for us to have dates. We have 5 kids still at home (blended family) so as you can imagine babysitters are hard to come by and cost a lot. I got my mom a massage envy membership to say thank you and regularly my husband does stuff at her house she needs help with. Because we appreciate the fact people help us with our kids. They do not have to.

ValleyOakPaper

Amazing how there is zero drama when you show your appreciation for people who do you favors. You know, instead of slandering them on social media.

No_Abroad_6306

Killing the golden goose is a great way to describe this level of idiocy. What happens when they run out of stuff to sell? Because “little cheaper” at the daycare is still >> than free.

OOP: I will absolutely never babysit Cullen again, not for 3 minutes for his mother to go to the bathroom.

faequeen_

Good on you. This is a pair of entitled idiots who FAFO. If your husband volunteers, leave the house during the period. Take your other grandchildren to the zoo.

OOP: I’m not sure that I would go that far. You have to think about how that would affect a little one emotionally. He won’t understand grownups drama from before he was born.

He could come over, just with the understanding that grandpa is responsible for him.

faequeen_

You're a better person than i am... hold strong on pappy being his caregiver!

OOP: I’m not saying I wouldn’t care for him if he were over. I wouldn’t do anything to single him out. I’d hand him a snack, fill his juice, etc. Just by agreement grandpa would have to be ‘the responsible party’.

New Update - 1 month later

​

He’s not in daycare anymore.

My stepson’s wife got abruptly laid off and they decided she should stay home and babysit Cullen and stepdaughter should pay her the difference between what she gets in unemployment and what she was making before.

My stepdaughter and her boyfriend are miserable because the house is not very tidy and Cullen and his things get dog hair on them. And they are paying almost as much as daycare for their baby and his stuff to be covered in dog hair and for his stuff to smell from being in the house.

Stepson and his wife are miserable because stepdaughter and her boyfriend aren’t very appreciative of ‘the favor they are doing’ and make comments and complain about the dirty house, dogs etc.

They are all stuck for now because daycare filled his spot and he’s on their waiting list.

I am staying absolutely out of it.

​

Comments

​

Stacy3536

I bet they are wishing they would have kept their mouths shut when you were originally watching Cullen

OOP: I’m sure they all do. All the adults are miserable with the situation and are essentially trapped.

Stacy3536

Is this going to affect the time you get to spend with your oldest grandchild

OOP: Possibly. His mom will be at home when he doesn’t have school, so he’ll be able to stay home if he wants to. I don’t think they’d tell him that he absolutely can’t come, but there will probably be days when he’d rather stay home.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments