Just here to get some things off my chest. This is going to be a pretty depressing post, so if you're not in the mood for that, feel free to skip it. I just really need to let it all out somewhere.
Everything started going downhill after the university orientation results came out. I ended up in an engineering major I never wanted. It's not that the field itself is bad, but I had something else in mind, something I actually wanted to study, and unfortunately I didn't get the chance.
I tried so many times to find a way to retake the prepa concours. I submitted requests, went from one administration to another, talked to so many people, but well, we live in Tunisia. The usual bullshit. One person isn't available, another comes to work whenever they feel like it, some talk to you like you're bothering them, and everyone just keeps sending you to someone else. Some even gave me hope that I could retake the concours, only to disappear afterwards.
And the thing is, retaking the concours was probably the one thing I wanted the most. I genuinely believe I could do so much better. I know I'm capable of more, and I can't shake this feeling that I'm wasting my potential.
Technically, I could've retaken it if I hadn't confirmed my orientation choice. But with all the pressure from my family and people around me, I ended up confirming it. And that's another thing that hurts. I feel like one of the biggest decisions about my future wasn't even really mine.
It's been two months now since I started studying at an engineering school far from home, and I genuinely don't think I've ever felt this miserable.
I cry almost every day. Every time I think about my mom, I just break down. I'm really attached to her, and being this far away from home is affecting me way more than I ever imagined.
And when I say I cry, you have to understand something. I'm not someone who cries easily. Even when I was a kid, I rarely cried. I was always the type to hold everything in and deal with it on my own. Before all of this, I couldn't even remember the last time I cried. It had probably been years.
But now I just can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes I even feel like crying on purpose just to get some relief, because it's the only way I can let some of what's inside me out.
And there's something else that genuinely breaks my heart.
My mom calls me every single day and asks me what I've eaten. And I always tell her something like "I had a sandwich" or "Don't worry, I ate a lot today."
But the truth is, sometimes I haven't eaten anything at all.
I try to save as much as I can from the money my parents give me. Not because I want to buy something or save up for anything special, but because I want to have enough money to go back home as often as possible. Even if it's just for one day. Just one day where I can sit at home and be around my family.
And what makes me cry even more is thinking about how my parents are getting older.
I don't know how to explain this feeling, but sometimes I just sit there thinking about how time is passing, how they're getting older, and how I'm spending these years away from them when all I want is to be by their side.
I've always wanted to succeed, not just for myself, but for them too.
I want to make enough money to give them the experiences they never got to have. I want to take them around the world, let them see places they've never seen, experience things they've never experienced. I want them to be able to buy something they like without having to think twice about the price.
I want to give them a life where they don't have to worry about money anymore.
And I know none of that is going to happen overnight. I know I have to work hard for it, and I'm willing to. I've always been willing to.
But I want to make it happen as soon as I possibly can, while they're still here and healthy enough to enjoy it.
And honestly, thinking about all of this while I'm stuck here, studying something I don't even want to study, makes everything feel ten times worse.
I went from listening to music that would hype me up and make me feel confident to listening to sad songs all day. I've completely lost my appetite. Some days I sleep almost the entire day, and other days I barely get two hours of sleep and still don't feel sleepy.
Even my exams have been going terribly. I haven't done well on any of them so far. Not because I think I'm incapable of understanding the material, but because I genuinely can't bring myself to care or concentrate anymore.
I feel like I'm physically here, but mentally I'm somewhere else.
Like I'm just existing. The walking dead, basically.
I've always been an ambitious person. Ever since I was a kid, I never wanted to be average. I always wanted to do something meaningful with my life, to be good at what I do, to actually achieve something.
But now I just feel completely lost.
I don't like the environment here, I don't feel comfortable around the people, and I don't feel like I belong in this school or even in this place.
And what makes it worse is thinking about my future.
I'm studying something in IT that I honestly feel like AI is going to replace, if it hasn't already started replacing parts of it. So I keep asking myself, am I really going to spend three years of my life studying something I don't even like, just to graduate and maybe end up with an 800 DT salary, assuming I even manage to find a job?
The frustrating part is that I already have some skills in tech. I know how to work with AI agents, I've experimented with RAG, and I used to spend a lot of my free time learning new things and trying to keep up with what's happening in the industry.
I genuinely enjoyed learning on my own, sometimes way more than anything I was being taught at school.
I used to be the kind of person who would spend hours learning something new just because I found it interesting. I was always trying to improve myself, always thinking about what I could do next.
And I still want that life. I still want to work hard and succeed. Just not in this environment, not like this.
That used to be me.
Now I barely do anything. I just listen to sad music, watch random videos, scroll endlessly, and waste hours doing absolutely nothing. Not even because I'm enjoying it, but because it helps me forget where I am and what my life looks like right now.
It's almost like a drug. Just constantly distracting myself so I don't have to think about reality.
And the worst part is that I'm aware of everything I'm doing. I know I'm wasting time. I know I'm not helping myself. I know the person I used to be would probably hate seeing me like this.
But somehow, I still can't get myself to do anything about it.
I genuinely don't recognize myself anymore.
I went from being someone who was always thinking about the future and trying to improve himself to someone who's just trying to get through another day.
I don't know if I'm overreacting or if this is just what growing up and facing reality feels like, but I know I've never been this unhappy before.
And I think what hurts the most is that I don't even know what the right decision is anymore. Should I accept where I am and try to make the best of it? Should I keep fighting to change my path? Am I going to regret wasting these years if I stay? Or am I going to regret throwing away an engineering degree if I leave?
I just don't know.
If anyone here has been through something similar, whether it's ending up in a field you never wanted, feeling completely out of place, missing your family to the point where it physically hurts, or losing all your motivation after being an ambitious person your whole life, I'd really appreciate hearing your experience.
How did you get out of it? Did you make a big decision and change your path, or did things eventually get better?
I'm not really looking for generic motivational advice. I'd just like to hear from people who've actually been through something like this and what they ended up doing.
Because right now, I genuinely don't know what to do with myself anymore.
