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Karen UnApproved My modest proposal to Councilmember Kim Roney regarding city planning and the S. Tunnel Road corridor
*Abridged version
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabbin-doors crowded with homelessed importuning every passenger for an alms. These homelessed, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time ravaging and destroying our fine local chain businesses as they shoot up, either turn thieves for want of work, or mind their own business in transitional housing that is severely limited in a time of housing crisis.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of homelessed is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these homelessed sound and useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation. But, as no one before me has ever uttered, you cannot help homelessed who don’t want to be helped.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for local businesses: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of homelessed at a certain age, who dare to exist in the blighted Compass Point Village, as those who demand our charity in the streets. As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our consultants, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a homelessed with a meth pipe may be supported by her spark, for a solar year, with little other nourishment: at most not above the value of two shillings, which the homelessed may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by their unsightly occupation of begging ; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon the noble local chain businesses or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to the virtue signaling of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard homelessed fetuses, alas! too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expence than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple, whose hoes are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couple, who are able to maintain their own crack habits, (although I apprehend there cannot be so many under the present distresses of the kingdom) but this being granted, there will remain a hundred and seventy thousand breeders and crack hoes. I again subtract fifty thousand, for those homelessed who overdose, get thrown in jail on misdemeanor charges with ludicrously high bonds, or perish in the cold at night. There only remain a hundred and twenty thousand homelessed annually born. The question therefore is, How this number shall be reared and provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in low-wage service jobs; they neither build useless multi-million dollar development projects, (I mean in the city) nor patronize chain businesses: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood other than stealing and sales of drug; except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier; during which time they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers; as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Haw Creek, who protested to me, that one looked at him once whilst crossing not at a crosswalk.
I am assured by our merchants, that a homelessed is no saleable commodity, they will not yield above three bitcoins at most, on the exchange; which cannot turn to account to the kingdom of Asheville, the charge of nutriments and rags having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Biltmore Forest that a younger homelessed, is a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasee, or a ragoust.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the hundred and twenty thousand homelessed, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for as crack hoes, whereof only one fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these homelessed are seldom valuable human beings, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, for the good of the kingdom of Asheville, be allowed to eat at 12 Baskets sometimes so as to render them plump, and fat for a good table. A homelessed will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in Code Purple conditions.
I have reckoned upon a medium, that a homelessed crack baby just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for NIMBYs, who, as they have seem to have the best knowledge about homelessed issues.
Homelessed flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent areaasheville Redditor, that meth being a prolifick dyet, there are more homelessed born about nine months after Lent, than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of Popish infants, is at least three to one in this kingdom, and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of Papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of DSS taking custody of a homelessed to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat homelessed child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular gold buddy, or an entire business to dine with him.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make cut little gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen, which can be purchased respectively at Elementality and DSW on Tunnel Rd.
As to our City of Asheville, shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in the most convenient parts of it, and the Chop Shop we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the homelessed alive, and dressing them hot from the machete, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of Asheville, and whose virtue signals I highly mimic, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter, to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their Teslas, he conceived that the want of Rocky’s Hot Chicken might be well supplied by the bodies of young homelessed lads and maidens, not exceeding Epstein-acceptable years of age, nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes being now ready to starve for want of drugs and money for drugs. But with due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my pickleball acquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission, be a loss to the publick, because they soon would become crack hoes themselves: and besides, it is not improbable that some libtards might be apt to censure such a practice, (although indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty, which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, how well soever intended.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of homelessed who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the nation of so grievous an incumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known, that they are every day dying, and rotting, by cold and famine, and filth, and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the formerly homelessed who are now stably housed at Compass Point Village, they are now in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannot get work, and yet have the audacity to continue existing in subsidized minimalist conditions, to a degree, that if at any time someone actually drove down Tunnel Road, they might have to see the building.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of Asheville, by advancing the economy, making the world safer for infants at breweries, relieving the homelessed, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I know no homelessed, by which I can propose to get a single penny. BTW, I already voted for Manheimer.
