r/secondary_survivors • u/ShoddyEchidna4926 • 4d ago
it's finally over - some thoughts
Sorry for the haphazard thoughts, I'm just sort of piecing everything together.
My wife and I separated a couple months ago, and then we've gone no contact. She asked for space, after manufacturing yet another crisis, and I said no, let's make that space permanent.
Here's my current theory about how these things play out. For some context, my wife had severe CSA that was not really treated, and she came from a narcissistic family system that buried her abuse, and then later called her trauma responses "OCD"
But then the final nail in the coffin was that she refused to do actual trauma therapy.
With these three facts, our separation and divorce and going no-contact was seemingly inevitable.
According to every book I've read on the topic, and all the clinical guidelines, and community posts across reddit - it is not possible for someone with untreated CSA to have a meaningful adult relationship. I found some posts across various subreddits here of people tolerating nuclear meltdowns (like survivors smashing plates, screaming, etc). To me, that counts as straight up domestic violence, which I would never tolerate.
But in my case it basically goes like this:
1) CSA that started very very very young (non-familial)
2) Unsupportive narcissistic family system
3) Treatment refusal
That basically creates one inevitable outcome. Divorce. But then as I do more research into the insanity and crazy-making behaviors that survivors can engage in at the end of a relationship, it basically comes down to the narcissistic family system reactivating.
Narcissistic families love a villain, which gives them all air cover to avoid working on the core shame and trauma of CSA (family failure to protect or treat, maladaptive behaviors, shame, etc). So that means that her family has been egging her on (my inference, based on the time she's spending with them and how her attitude has changed).
For instance, over the last few weeks she's been dropping many "it's weird that we're still friends" and I'm like... only if you make it weird. And constant little jabs like that. For a while, every time we met up as friends she would do some kind of under-functioning or crazymaking behavior.
---
Here's some patterns that I've learned about crazy-making behaviors:
1) Crisis manufacture. I hadn't fully clocked this because she was smooth. But yeah, this really intensified at the end. And the pattern was always "hey things are improving" and I had developed a spidey sense that "oh no, that means something is about to catch on fire" and sure enough, we had some pleasant time together over the weekend, and then a couple days later, epic crisis manufactured, which precipitated the final block.
2) Accountability dodging. This, in hindsight, was one of the core behaviors. If she did something that hurt my feelings, I could not bring it up. Everything would always regress to her emotions. If I was hurt, angry, burned out, none of that mattered. It was somehow always my fault. And then, the entire energy of the argument would go towards soothing her emotions, abandonment, shame, etc. But that accountability loop extended to other things, like physical responsibilities (though she did hold up some very well).
3) Chronic under-functioning. This is the primary one I noticed first. It was like living with a child sometimes. She couldn't figure out how to use a vacuum cleaner (that we'd had for almost a year), and other regressions like that. She broke her laptop, and said "oh that's just how it is" (it was unusable, and I'd spent $2000 on it just a year earlier). Constantly parentifying me.
And of course, that's the big things on top of ordinary sexual dysfunction (she would cry or freeze up pretty much every time, until sex was just not interesting or rewarding) and lack of emotional attunement. She was also very, very dishonest through withholding. I begged her constantly "please just be honest with how you feel and what you need" but EVERYTHING was filtered through her odd lenses of what was "acceptable" to share and what wasn't, and how it was to be shared.
And the wildest part, in hindsight, is that I could look at her, point blank, and tell her exactly what she was doing (lying, crazy making, withholding, dodging) and she would just sort of change the subject, blame me, get angry for noticing, become righteously indignant, or just not respond.
I missed a lot of red flags, and they got worse over time.
Now that all her stuff is gone and she's blocked from my life, I feel like I can see it all more clearly.
2
u/ImpossibleWay1032 4d ago
Sorry you had to live through all this.
Pretty much the same story as you here, so know you’re not the only one. CSA is sadly way too common. It’s crazy how a NPD parent sets a target on their kid for predators.
CSA is a known trigger for CPTSD and BPD, which from what you share, could be a possibility. If you need further support and it matches the symptoms , worth checking the BPD loved one sub.