r/queerception • u/Suatyoo • 3d ago

Pregnancy options

Reposted in this thread because posting it in a non queer group was a clear mistake đŸ«©

Hello, I’m 23 female and my boyfriend is 22FTM (stopped T about a year ago just because of money and possible egg retrieval). We have been together for 5 years, live together, and are planning our engagement/ picking out rings (some people got mad we aren’t married) We have recently been talking a lot about our future and children. In a “perfect” world we would have the money for IVF and all that fancy technology stuff. Realistically, if we wait for the “perfect situation” it either 1) won’t happen because of finances or 2) I’ll feel it’s too late because of age. Both of our mothers want grandchildren and honestly, I want them to get that experience and share it. We aren’t having kids BECAUSE of them and they are NOT pressuring or making comments, but it is a factor in experiences we both want in life, and want to give to them. So my questions are about our options.

  1. we take his egg and use a sperm donor and I carry the child. But would it really be mine? Would it have ANY of my DNA/ genetics/ etc? Just because the fetus is being created with my blood and other physical aspects?

  2. I just carry it and use a donor with the downside that it’s not biologically his and has none of his DNA/genetics :(

  3. I heard a little bit about IUI but don’t know much about it. Please enlighten me!

  4. I’m terrified of pregnancy and using a surrogate could be an option (unfortunately it is incredibly expensive) but once again it is the struggle of whose egg do we use? A part of me does want to experience carrying my child but it is very scary.

  5. It’s a lot and I don’t know much about any of this and I want us to make the right decision in the future that we will be happy with. We want our child to have things from both of us. I know it will be OUR child because blood doesn’t=family but it is a factor. We both want to pass biological things down to our children.

Notes to add: Every option can be/is expensive. I’m aware. I KNOW we are not ready yet. That’s why going to a doctor or OBGYN isn’t a thought right now because this isn’t something we are going to work on any time soon. We just want ideas from people who HAVE gone through this and have experienced it. With this, when we are ready and have a decision(s) we will know what to ask and plan for. Sorry it is a long post, I may have repeated myself quite a bit. Thank you for any suggestions and comments!

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u/horsesquirrel 3d ago

I have a suggestion since you're in the early stages of thinking about all of this and mentioned that cost might be a factor. If you're in the US, consider working toward jobs that have good fertility coverage. I think Starbucks and Target are two of the more popular options, but tons of big companies have these benefits. Look up companies that provide Progeny or Carrot benefits. Some offer up to $75k in benefits!

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u/burned_feather 3d ago

I saw your post in the other sub and didn't comment there because I thought my comment would get lost among all the negativity/didn't want to open myself up to it as well. Personally I think it's great that you're thinking about this stuff early; I'm a planner myself so I completely understand wanting to have your options figured out and aligned even before you're in a position to take any steps towards them.

My answers will be from the perspective of a nonbinary person who has carried their own biological child (I gave birth to her last December). The other people involved in my situation are my baby's biological dad and his long-term partner (baby's papa). I am not in a relationship with them but we coparent and live together.

  1. It would be yours because it would be your own family. No other qualification is needed. With that said: my daughter is both genetically mine and mine via pregnancy, and if I had to just choose one of those to keep I would choose pregnancy. There is a bond with a baby you carry that goes far beyond genetics. Your smell and your heartbeat would be wired in as that baby's first ever comfort. You would have felt them grow and move inside you, experienced getting to know them as a little person before they were even born (what noises make them startle? Do they like a certain kind of music?), and you may not give them any of your own DNA but studies have shown that traces of their DNA would stay inside you for the rest of your life. I hope this answer doesn't cause any offence to people who did not have the option to carry their children but I wanted to share my perspective. The only other thing is that this option would 100% require you to do IVF.

  2. This is kind of what I did -- there was no way for our baby to be related to all three of us, so there didn't seem to be any point in making it more complicated.

  3. IUI stands for interuterine insemination and is just a fancy medical way of putting sperm into the uterus. It can be helpful for certain types of infertility, or if you want to use a donor and don't want to deal with the sperm yourself. I didn't do this, we just did insemination with a large plastic syringe.

  4. Only you can know if carrying your child is worth the fear (and discomfort, lol). It was for me.

  5. If genetics are very important to you, you could consider if either of you have family members who would be willing to donate sperm. This could get very complicated legally though so proceed with caution.

I hope some of that is helpful and I'm happy to answer any questions about our family or my experiences of carrying my daughter.

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u/Suatyoo 3d ago

Thank you so much! Maybe my mind will change the older I get, I want to be selfish bc carrying a child changes a lot about your body which is scary but I want to create that bond if I have a child period.

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u/burned_feather 3d ago

For what it's worth I felt the same at your age. I wanted my body to be mine and had other priorities which were more important to me at the time. I felt a big shift in my priorities and what I wanted to do with myself around age 26/27 and I ended up feeling almost excited for the changes that pregnancy would bring.

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u/neuroticphilosopher 3d ago

Hi hi, the emotional journey is for you two to work out. The practical financial journey assuming nothing is covered is that the cheapest and least medically invasive option is a known donor and at home insemination, the next option is IUI if you want one kid and have luck within the first 3-4 attempts (maybe longer if you have free sperm), and then IVF. Because you two are young, depending on how quickly you manage to find sperm you are likely to have time to try all 3 options.

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u/neuroticphilosopher 3d ago

The baby per a recent geneticist ama: " Donor embryos/eggs doesn’t change genetically, include mitochondrial DNA. The carrying mother does impact the environment, such as fetal growth (birth weight often tracks to the carrying mother, not the donor) or infections. Prenatal exposures like smoking, alcohol, certain drugs, can also leave a measurable methylation mark in the baby. Microchimerism is real too (carrying mother’s cells live in the child, and vise versa) but usually very small amounts."

Potentially they would inherit your microbiome though especially depending on how you give birth. Another thing you could consider is if one of you has a brother you are close to that might be willing to a known donor.

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u/Open-Today6499 3d ago

My (34f) and my wife (41f) did IUI with donor sperm. I am carrying the baby. Neither of us had a lot of feelings about being genetically related to the baby but we had a lot of feelings about putting our bodies through egg retrieval if it wasn't necessary, so we started with IUI. We were lucky and got pregnant on the first try, so all in all it took us about 8k to get pregnant without fertility insurance coverage. We were happy to spend less money and have more funds to put into savings, daycare and buying baby things. Everyone is different and there are pros and cons to both, but everyone who knows us very much sees the baby and pregnancy as ours despite only me being genetically linked to the baby. All grandma's involved are equally excited!

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u/pennybrowneyes 1d ago

Hey! I get asking the questions. I was a planner and started thinking about them when I met my wife at 23. I get it.

I know these aren't answering your questions directly, but here are the things that I would be thinking about at your age. Some of these things took us 10 years to accomplish and honestly, I'm so glad we had the time to build up our relationship, have more life experience, be in the best financial situation, etc.

  1. Track your cycles. Are they regular? Are they painful? Having inconsistent of painful cycles can be signs of underlying infertility. This can put a wrinkle in the cost of fertility treatment.

  2. Get annual check ups with your gynecologist. Talk with them about any symptoms. I was your age when I was diagnosed with PCOS. This changed my trajectory in my fertility journey.

Your partner should also talk with their doctor about fertility preservation options.

3. Go on YouTube and search queer couples that have shared their fertility journeys. I think it gives insight to the ups and downs, side effects, financial costs of each method (IUI, IVF, surrogacy)

4. Start pricing our options in your area. The queer tax is real and youve got to know what you need to do to get to your goals. If surrogacy is how you need to move forward, the average cost in the US is $150k-$200k. That is several years salary for the average American. There are other options if costs are prohibitive.

5. Start researching companies that have fertility benefits. It took us 10 years to land a role that had fertility benefit coverage and its been a godsend. I had 10k worth of sperm paid for, 2 rounds of egg retrieval covered though our annual copay. Partial costs for surrogacy would be covered.

6. Think about what you want for your child to come into this world. Do you want them to have financial stability? Parents who are able to be around instead of working 3 jobs. An apartment with their own bedroom, a house with a yard, or a place close to family? What about your relationship with your partner? Is it stable? Are there things you need to address as a couple or childhood trauma you need to manage individually?

I say all of this because when I was your age, I felt this clock ticking in my head and this push that time is running out. Female fertility doesnt have a significant decline until age 35. You have time! You have over 10 years worth of time.

Goal setting is wonderful, but dont put too much pressure on yourself to where you're not enjoying the moment and feel this "now or never feeling".