M51, together ~20 years, married 11. My wife F43 is polyamorous, I’m monogamous but compersive (closest label: stag, though I’m not present). What I love is her being desired and flirty, and that energy coming back to me. She shares stories and photos with me, which is what makes it work.

In 2024 she fell in love with a married man (“Paul”, M47). It’s a real emotional connection for her, not just sex. They met 3 times, the last in September 2024. Then he pulled back: very little contact, she’d write, he’d answer briefly, plus a few brief encounters at events (he’s a musician). He told her he wanted them both to forget each other.

A couple of weeks ago he told her he couldn’t forget her and wanted to see her again, and he keeps saying so since. A date was set, he postponed it to “early November” with no exact date. His messages are sparse: she replies right away, he can take several days. He uses a separate number his wife doesn’t know about, maybe he keeps it switched off, we don’t really know. It’s frustrating for her.

The first night they spent together was really hard for me, the other two went well. I want to do better this time:

• How do you handle the evening itself, waiting at home?
• How do you deal with overthinking? I’m sleeping badly and replaying everything.
• How do you support your partner when the lover is distant or pulls back, without saying “I told you so”?
• Did you use any guides, books or resources that really helped?
• Did you write down your own rules as a couple? A kind of “ten commandments”, except “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” becomes “thou shalt let the neighbors covet thy wife” 😄 What’s on your list?

Post from a throwaway account…..

My partner (40m) and I (30f) have been together for 3 years. Our dating styles are complete different - he goes on more dates with people from apps, actually dates/communicates with them before and after and sees people a few times, while I usually am a more in the moment makeout and flirt with people. I have tried to meet people on the apps, but it just isn’t my vibe but I love making connections IRL if they happen.

My partner just found a new connection and exploring that a little bit. Somewhat naturally, I had slight “oh my partner is dating someone” thoughts for like a half a day but ultimately happy for them - I don’t own them!

Anyway I recently went out with some friends and met someone that initially thought was cute and as the night when on, it just kind of made sense for us to hookup? Prior to my current relationship i was all about the hookup, casual flings and one night stands. I brought them back to my place and even as the hookup was happening, I just was no longer into it. I got very in my head about how well my partner knows me intimately and just how one night stands once used to have some fun and appeal to me, it no longer felt good.

I now am in this spiral of “ I SHOULD be dating because HE is dating” but also at the same time, I’m kinda good NOT dating. I’m good not having other sexual experiences but still with my occasional makeouts and flirts, but will I be left behind if he’s making connections elsewhere? I’m not worried about our relationship but mostly just an imbalance throwing it off.

Anyone else have these feelings of making yourself have sex or experiences with other people because your partner is? If so how do you get over them or through them? Asking here cause I don’t have many nonmonog friends so everyone doesn’t get what I’m doing to begin with lol

I am in very secure relationship with long term partner. I’m 32 (F) he is 32 M. I had a huge crush on a guy (not a mutual friend of ours, or colleague or anything like that. He is my piano teacher). So brought up opening relationship with my partner. I think I’m also just yearning for a bit of fun and excitement - and open has been something I wanted for quite a while. Partner agreed and is now enthusiastically dating (I actually feel great about this!) so I reached out the piano teacher. I said explicitly I was open, we went on first date and had the best time (amazing chemistry, though we mostly just kissed), but when I started talking about the ‘open’ situation he got a bit freaked out. At first he said wasn’t looking for anything serious anyway (he is very busy). Then said he wasn’t sure, he gets attached easily etc. but then towards the end he kept flip flopping and said maybe he was keen. We set up another date, but he cancelled last minute. He seems to be sometimes into me when messaging but then again when I try to set up plans he cancels. I’m just feeling devastated and anxious and confused. I assume I just need to let this go. Have other people experienced this? How do you deal with it? I’m kinda heartbroken he won’t even try because I think we’d have such a good time together. Obviously I know I need to respect his boundaries. I’m just sad. I was so into him.

Well, here we go, updates.

For those who haven't been following, you can read the previous post with the start of the situation here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/NQD4zLgqPA

These past few weeks were intense emotionally and with daily routine, which is why it took me a while to update you all.

She met the guy and followed our agreement to the exact limit we established—which did not include sex on this first date.

On her way home in the Uber, she told me how it went. I felt anxious and expectant, with a mix of intense emotions.

When she arrived, that mix increased even more. She shared details, and I could clearly see she really enjoyed the experience. We talked for a good part of the night and had incredible sex. We spent the next day together, had breakfast, and talked about the night before. It was great to have that off-day for us.

However, once the adrenaline wore off, not-so-good feelings emerged. On my end, a strong sense of insecurity and need for validation surfaced. This led me to take a few steps back, and for almost two weeks, we chose to slow everything down.

She asked the guy for patience and respect for our space, letting him know she would reach out when (and if) it was time to move forward. During this time, our suspicion that he was in an open relationship was confirmed. He mentioned being in an open relationship for 5 years with few partners in that period (though we don't know how true that is).

My emotions were heavily tied to fear of losing what we built—our family, our complicity, my "exclusivities." After 10 years of marriage as just the two of us, having another person share moments and emotions with her was tough.

The date itself wasn't the hard part, but rather what might happen on the next meeting and after it.

We had some arguments caused by my insecurities, but with communication and patience, we aligned our views.

She clearly showed she has no intention of a romantic involvement or fixed partnership; her interest is carnal/sexual. Rationally I get it, but emotionally it was challenging. Still, I am processing this much better now.

I started therapy with a specialist in sexology and consensual non-monogamy (4 to 5 sessions so far). It has helped me reflect on everything, including how hard she tries to reassure me about our marriage and life.

Recently, we resumed deep conversations about next steps. I want her to have new experiences, knowing her next limit will include sex if she wants to. I am working to be ready so she can enjoy the post-meeting days without me taking steps back again, as I know my reaction affected her ability to fully enjoy the first experience.

She never hid that she wants to see him again, and honestly, I really like that.

Besides our preparation, there is another issue. She asked him for patience, and he reaffirmed he wants to meet again, which is fair.

But in subsequent chats, he has been pressuring her, bringing it up repeatedly in a way that makes her uncomfortable. We imagine he is trying to "keep things hot," but it is pressuring her. She had to reinforce the request for patience 2 or 3 times, and told me this is turning her off.

As I work through my feelings, I’d love your thoughts: how did you know you were ready for an even bigger step, involving your partner having sex with someone else?

Let me preface this by saying I know I am in the wrong. Please be kind. I’m trying to figure out if we can both get what we want or if I need to give everything up in order to keep my husband.

Husband (48) and I (42) have been married over 20 years. Got into the lifestyle 4 years ago. Started off with just threesomes. Moved to hooking up with couples, always together.

It’s been fun but never super fulfilling to me. I have always had the desire to explore things separately. I am 100% willing to give my husband that opportunity as well.

2 months ago, we met a couple and hit it off pretty well. We text separately and almost everyday. My husband has expressed to me that he hates sharing me, doesn’t want to hook up with the same people anymore, doesn’t want me doing anything separately, even texting. He wants us to only go to clubs and hook up with random people. He’s ok with repeating a couple, as long as we don’t communicate in between.

I’m very sad. The sex is so much better to me when I can build a connection with the person. I was very much hoping that one day, my husband would let me explore things separately and discover a different side of myself (we have only ever been with each other before we started the lifestyle).

I know me asking to build connections and do separate things goes beyond “swinging” and that it’s not fair to him to make him uncomfortable. I also know it’s his insecurities that are the main reason he won’t let me.

Do I give up this part of me? Practice the lifestyle in the way he’s comfortable with, even if it’s not ideal for me? I will say, the idea of giving up the lifestyle altogether really bums me out. I was finally starting to feel like my own person outside of wife and mom.

What do I do?

I recently shared with my wife that I fantasized about sharing her with other men sexually. The idea excited us both and led to some amazing sex. We agreed and began to explore this together. As we went to set up our first experience over the course of a few days, we began using apps and websites to find other couples and potentially males to have a threesome with. However, what began as a threesome or couple fantasy quickly evolved into her wanting to be able to sleep with other man without me there, in addition to experiences sharing her with other men. In particular she wants to have sex with one man without whom she built a connection over cooler days. Although it is hot, I am hesitant because this connection is troubling.

So my wife and I had on occasions talked about threesomes or other people we’ve been with previously usually during sex. I like the idea of talking dirty in terms of brining in a third more than likely another male as of right now probably just strictly dirty talking. But how do I open up about this kink? If there’s a post already please refer me to it or reply! Thanks

Context
I (f25) have been with my wife (f26 we’ll call her A) on and off since highschool, married for 2 years. When we first started dating we were monogamous then we broke up because i was having a manic episode. After the break up we stopped talking for 6 months and in that time i got a boyfriend (we’ll call him B). We started talking again after i had lots of therapy to work out my issues and stayed friends even though we both wanted to get back together. After being with B for about a year and a half we decided to open our relationship and started seeing other girls together and separately. One of these girls ended up over at our place while i was hanging out with A. A expressed interest in sleeping with her and i, B was ok with it, so we did. That was the catalyst for becoming a triad with A and B. The three of us were happy for a while even though A and B weren’t the biggest fans of each other. A is lesbian so they weren’t dating each other but they kept the peace for my sake. B and i had unrelated issues with our relationship so we ended up breaking up. After the break up i was too busy with life events to actively pursue other relationships, romantic or sexual, so it was just me and A. A few years later we ended up getting married.

After A and i got married we had a discussion about if we should have the relationship be poly, open, or closed. She has no desire to be in a poly relationship on her part and doesnt want to have sex with others without me. I dont care one way or another about having another poly relationship (if so great if not thats cool too) but would like to be open for me at least (if she wanted to be open im ok with that too). During this talk we decided that we weren’t going to be poly but if i wanted to have sex with men that would be fine, women would be a case by case basis if it was just me or both of us. We didnt pursue any other relationship afterwards but it was good to establish boundaries. Now that life has calmed down a bit im interested in pursing sex with a guy, like we agreed was ok. I asked her about it again just to make sure everything was still ok and the first conversation she said she was fine. The next day though, A had told me that she had thought about it more and it bothered her thinking of me with another guy. She had insecurities about herself and our sex life and was feeling jealous just of the idea of me with someone else. I reassured her that i loved her, i wasnt going to leave her, and that wanting to be open again wasn’t because of anything she did or didnt do. We are currently doing more things to make her feel more secure in our relationship and talking to our individual therapists about it (Her appointment was today and mine is this friday).
Are we handling this properly, is there anything else we can do? Im worried that she’ll want to stay monogamous and ill be feeling stuck. I love her and i want to spend the rest of my life with her but i also want to explore this part of my life without feeling like shes making a compromise she doesnt want.

Tldr: started off mono, became an open triad, was mono again, wanted to be open again, wife says no. Help

Forgive me if this sounds really naive but I’m looking to explore a dynamic with a female (ff) while her partner (m) watches. What does this entail exactly? Is it different for everyone? Is he just like naked in the room masturbating? Does he talk or tell us what he wants us to do? I’m sure it’s based on personal choices but I’m just needing a general idea of what to expect?

My husband and I have decided to bring another man in. The third and I have been texting for the last week and a half, I wanted to make him feel less awkward when we met last Friday. When we met we all clicked really well, my husband likes him a lot. Since meeting, we continued chatting and last night him and I sexted pretty intensely. My husband reads all of our chats on his phone. He said this morning he wants to call it all off because if he felt weird about reading how we chatted then he probably wouldn’t be okay when push comes to shove and he’s in front of us. My question is, is F sexting with second M usually what happens? Did I make a mistake by texting him so much? This is all of our first times potentially having a 3sum.

Hey everyone! ❤️
My boyfriend and I are currently monogamous, but we’re planning to explore polyamory when we move to a new city. This would be my first experience with any kind of nonmonogamy, and I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve actually lived this lifestyle.
I’ve never really explored my sexuality, but I know I’m not straight. I’m still figuring myself out, and I don’t necessarily have all the answers yet.
My boyfriend is pretty set on the idea of us having a girlfriend together. I’m open to that possibility, but I’m also interested in other arrangements. For example, I’m curious about having separate partners, potentially exploring relationships with men and women individually, or even swinging while keeping our romantic relationship exclusive.
I hope that makes sense! I’m still learning the terminology and figuring out what appeals to me.
Here’s where things get complicated: I’m a pretty insecure person. I can pull away emotionally when I’m hurt or uncomfortable, and while I understand the logic behind polyamory, I know that understanding something intellectually and actually experiencing it are two completely different things.
I can genuinely see nonmonogamy working for me, and I’m interested in exploring it. At the same time, I’m worried about how I’ll handle jealousy, comparison, feeling left out, or watching my boyfriend develop a connection with someone else.
I also don’t want to enter this lifestyle without understanding my own boundaries, needs, and feelings first.
For those of you who started exploring polyamory while insecure, inexperienced, or unsure of your sexuality:
What helped you navigate jealousy and insecurity without shutting down or withdrawing from your partner?
How did you figure out which type of nonmonogamy actually suited you?
How do you handle situations where one partner is more enthusiastic about a particular arrangement than the other?
What conversations and agreements should couples have BEFORE opening their relationship?
If you’ve explored having a girlfriend together, what do you wish you’d known beforehand?
How do you distinguish between normal growing pains and realizing that a particular relationship structure isn’t right for you?
I’m not looking for people to tell me that polyamory is inherently good or bad. I’d really appreciate honest advice from people with actual experience, including things you wish someone had told you before you started.
Thank you! I appreciate any advice. ❤️

So I'm encountering a bit of an issue in my relationship with my fiancee and I'm not sure how to go about handling it. My fiancee (Bella, 29) is an extremely affectionate person. She's very forward with most people she meets especially other trans women and has many flirtatious friendships that include a lot of sending nudes and such. This is pretty normal among a lot of her friends and it's been important to her to get to have that kind of a loose line with friends. I'm fine with it, I feel jealousy from time to time when it feels like she's a bit absorbed in it, but for the most part I just roll with it and listen if she wants to talk about it.

What's starting to get to me is the PDA. She kisses a lot of her friends when she sees them and straight up makes out with a few of them. She also likes to snuggle and hold hands and stuff. Generally I'm fine, but if it gets to be too much, I direct my attention elsewhere as I don't want to make her feel bad for doing it. She's felt quite sensitive about her affectionate nature and sometimes she feels like a slut in a positive ways while other times she feels like a slut in negative ways an I don't want to contribute to the negative ways.

But the other night we went to a movie with one of these friends who she's fooled around with in the past (we also had a bit of a relationship hiccup due to miscommunication in regard to this friend and what was going on) and for the most part the evening was fine, we went to dinner and hung out, but when we were watching the movie in the theatre, they were touching on each other quite a lot. Lots of cuddling, nuzzling, touching each other's thighs, and I honestly got really uncomfortable. I was also feeling generally crappy so I think it hit me harder but I really didn't want to be around that kind of PDA and ended up taking an extended bathroom break and sitting in the back of the theatre for a bit to collect myself. I definitely am a person who feels some jealousy and I do my best to deal with it healthily and not let it affect Bella but I also feel like it was a bit much to be all over each other and groping especially when I couldn't exactly remove myself from the situation without just completely separating from my fiancee.

I tried to talk to Bella about this today, and admittedly I picked a bad time to do it because she was feeling sensitive about how she appears to other people because she's so affectionate, and she didn't take it well. I told her I didn't think I could handle being at gatherings if this was the level of affection she was going to show toward her friends and that I wouldn't attend things like the movie in the future. She was really hurt as she'd been looking foward to having some of these friends over to our house to watch movies and when I told her she could still do that, I'd just find something else to do, she told me that she wanted to be able to have and hold me while still being able to love on her friends like that. She said she felt so ashamed of herself for even wanting it and kind of started to spiral and I'm kind of at a loss here. I'm trying to compromise as best I can without asking too much of myself but it feels like she's so hurt by the options I offer because she thinks she's hurting me when that isn't the case.

It is worth noting that she's been generally feeling much more sensitive and emotional as of late so I don't know if she would have reacted so strongly if she weren't already feeling quite so tender, but it breaks my heart to hear her talk about herself this way and I'm worried maybe I'm just being overly sensitive and should just learn how to deal with it. It's not like she's fucking people right in front of me or whatever.

I think I need some outside perspective.

Okay so myself and my husband have been together for 14 years. 9 years ago he cheated with 4 different women.. he has expressed over the years how he’d like multiple sexual relationships and threesomes. I have always said no and can be a very jealous person. This year I had a mental breakdown and decided I didn’t want to be with my husband anymore, I was influenced by toxic friends and ended up sleeping with someone else. Whilst I didn’t sleep with this person whilst myself and my husband were together I was texting him whilst myself and my husband were together.

Fast forward a few months and I’m getting help for my mental health but my marriage is broken. My husband said he loves me and loves our family and is 50/50 if he wants us or he wants to go and sleep with different people. He recently went on holiday and slept with a lesbian who he has turned apparently and they’re texting. He is going out to meet her at the end of the month to see if there is a connection however when he was drunk he told me that it was just a shag he wanted when he went out there and was 90% sure he would come back to us.

NOW I know he wants to have his cake and eat it and I know I hurt him so I’ve proposed he can have his family and his wife and when he travels for work or whatever he is free to sleep with people. He said he doesn’t want me doing stuff like that though and to be honest I don’t either. I love my husband and am obsessed with just him.

Hi all,

I guess i´m writing this post to see if anyone might be able to offer some insight. I (m35) just came out of a long (10yr) relationship.

It was a good relationship, with a good person but in the end it didn't work anymore, mostly for me. For some reason, I felt an extreme suffocation being in a monogamous relationship. We lived together, went on holidays together, managed the household together and had the same days off from work together.

Over the years, I think it led to a point where I felt it literally was just too much. My ex was also a very traditional type. I wouldn't really be able to bring up the idea of sleeping with other people outside of our relationship. That would simply be a no-go.

And so, we both never did. We played by the rules, were generally happy, until we reached a point where things weren't going well anymore and I started to feel suffocated.

Since then, I've been reading about different forms of relationships. I never thought of myself as Polyamorous, and am still not sure whether that applies to me.

But what I found out is that the thought that my future partner, has potentially more partners than me, feels extremely liberating. Not being the only person she depends on anymore for things, not being the only person she wants to go on holidays with, or spend her weekends with. I can't help but feel that that would be a very liberating feeling for me.

Besides that, I don't think I would want to live together anymore. I'm very fond of my own space. Not only am I very fond of it, it's a neccessity for me to really unwind in this busy life.

Also, personally, i'm really not the jealous type. If it means she is intimate with those partners, I really don't think that would bother me too much.

An added benefit would be that I would get the opportunity to be intimate with others. I'm a pretty singularly focussed person. As in, I usually tend to only really like one person, not multiple people. But sleeping with other people is different, throughout my last relationship i've Always felt that it was something I would like to explore. Having sex with other people outside the relationship.

Anyways, this was a strange realisation for me. Mostly the first thought, that a partner with multiple partners could feel like less pressure.

I wonder what the reality is like though, and if other people have had the same insight?

Asking this for my wife behalf.

My wife and I are not so new to ENM, and we're still figuring out the hookup side of this.

My wife has been talking to this guy, but they haven't hooked up yet. Every now and then, he hits her up for a hookup, and she's pretty excited about the idea, so that's not an issue.

The thing is, he's bootycalled her twice now, and both times he's suggested splitting the costs of drinks, the hotel room, and whatever else. I don't know, but that just feels kinda low effort and cheap behave to me. I don't expect him to pay everything or anything for her but suggesting splitting the costs in advance is weird. If you're the one reaching out for a spontaneous hookup, would you ask for something like this, i mean isn't it an immature thing to ask? So i told my wife what i think and said i think you shouldn't hangout with him. She doesn't care about it too much since she's doing it casually just for fun. Do i think unreasonable here?

Edit: we both in our late 20s

Been ENM for about a year. My wife and I enjoy threesomes and group sex.

Anyway, we use Feeld and have had a bit of success, but we don't live in a super big city so exhausted most matches. Our neighbour popped up on there... and has liked my wife. Now, my wife's profile is of her in a bikini without her face showing, or photos of the back of her head. I feel like if you knew her, you may recognise her. Obviously it only says 1km away on the app too.

We don't know if she's matched my wife because she's a hot woman she doesn't recognise, or because my wife is the hot neighbour that she does. We've spoken a few times only, and have a mutual friend. I don't know what a smart next move would be? Me and my wife are down, and really intrigued

For background, this semester has been wild, to say the least. I'm in my second year of college, and while I didn't do shit last year, l've gotten pretty physical with a few different friends this semester and lost my virginity to one of them a few weeks ago

Anyways, I am gonna have a threesome this weekend and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. It'll be with two other friends (who are dating but in an open relationship), and I'm totally comfortable with and trust both of them, so there's no issue there. It's more so the fact that this will be my second time having sex and the fact that I've never had a threesome. I'm excited, but also pretty damn nervous, but researching ahead of time is something I've found helps with my nerves for stuff in general

If it helps with giving advice, I’m ftm and these specific two friends are ftm and mtf

Literally any advice would be helpful. But as for a specific question… what should I have ready, since we’re doing it at my place? Water, towels, snacks, protection, lube… anything else?

They're already aware of several of my boundaries when it comes to intimacy (since I've made out with them before separately, and we talked about it afterward). We've been open about communication so far (and hell we established a safe word a while ago, because our making out does involve a fair amount of masochism-via-biting and we want to be safe with that). But again, I'd appreciate literally any advice

Thanks y'all

I (26F) have been with my partner (M29) for six years. We have a great connection, communicate well and love each other dearly.

I have recently learnt about NM and had always been intrigued by Poly etc.

I have been very open with my partner about how I develop "crushes" on people and want to build bonds and make-out with them etc.

He has always agreed that it is a completely normal behaviour and he doesn't care about it too much as long as nothing happens.

Appox. 4 months ago, I started researching NM and it feels like a puzzle piece that makes everything make sense.

I have not been able to stay loyal to any of my previous partners (teenage years) and released that I am always looking at other men/ women (I'm Bi) and I want to pursue them, flirt and makeout and go with the flow.

I brought this up to my partner and he did not handle it well... I believe that his insecurities spoke first (we have been working on his self confidence for 6 years) and he flat out denied my request and emotionally detached for a few days. I did do regular check in's and reassured him that I love him and he makes me very happy, I just want to explore other people, opportunities and vibes etc.

The last 4 months he has kinda swept it under the rug and if it does come up, seems annoyed and doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He did say he might change his mind in the future but no for now (seems unlikely in general).

Whereas I have had this large amount of desire to go and have another partner and it is slowly consuming me.

I see a hot guy and I want to climb them like a tree lol!

I dont know where to go from here. Leaving my partner is painful to even think about but I don't want him to say yes because he wants me to be happy.

Has anyone here had a partner who said no at first and then yes later on?

How did you approach your partner and explain why you want this?

I was very clear and upfront about boundaries, he will always be my first choice and nesting partner and my secondary partner would be put a step back and only see them when my partner and I had nothing planned etc.

And I do not expect him to try dating other etc. he wants to be mono with me then that's fine and I won't push him, but some light encouragement to try to flirt either others if he wants / has the chance too.

We are both mid to late 20s. Hes starting to irritate me. Weve been hooking up off am on for over a year fine. But aomething that irritates me is that he keeps over repeating and exaggerating that he doesnt want to get invested. Ive not once brought it up.

For ref about 80% of the outreach is done by him. I barely text hjm. Yet hell spam text or spam call me 2-4x in a row. He gets upset if i leave early but hes allowed to. he gets upset if i respomd to texts late. hes always asking me about if im seeing or alept with other guys(also an irritation recently addressed with him).

Yet he keeps reiterating out of nowhere over and over that this isnt turning into something or hes not getting invested. Idc if he doesnt i see him once every month or two. but it just RUINS the moment everytime.

A nice conversation? = im not getting invested. ask about a nice trip he went on? = not getting invested. communicate a secual boundary? \. a basic request? = immnot getting invested. If its not just wyd/hey straight to kissing no talk its "investing" . Thats so stupid? why csnt you have a normal conversation THEN go into sex.

its killed my attraction towards him
in every way and its become taxing mentally.

I cant win with either of these setups.

I keep trying poly cuz ideally im fully aware that i cant ever be monogamous. Its too boring and monotonous and lacks the spontaneity of going out and meeting someone u hit it off with and being able to pursue that connection and also still have another connection.

But with poly? It also lacks spontaneity. I wanna be like hey lets do xyz tonight. "Oh sorry im with my other partner" like that just feels like im single. I might as well be single then, i dont wanna have to rely on my friends for shit like that. Cuz then they bring their SO's that they asked spontaneously and they said yes. Thats not fair i want that from my partner too!

Ughhh i cant find any setup that makes any sense to me

I (19F) have a much higher sex drive than my boyfriend (22M). We’ve been dating since January, and living together since February. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. It was pretty much everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. It was fun, spicy, and exciting. But as time went on, it got much less frequent and now it’s usually a few times a month. There was a period of time where we hadn’t been intimate in 1-2 months. When we are intimate now, it’s boring and unenjoyable for me. It’s the same position, no speaking, lights off. He finishes and then I have to finish myself off. Usually he’ll face the wall or leave the room, but sometimes he makes comments when I ask him to help me finish that completely turns me off so I can go weeks without cumming. Masturbation doesn‘t help me, I desire the intimacy and the fun that comes from sex with my boyfriend.

Outside of sex, our relationship is good. We love each other, we want to get married and have kids one day. We spend a lot of time together, movies, gaming, date nights. I can’t see myself with anyone else despite our sexual incompatibility, I love him.

Our sex life just makes me miserable most days. Everytime I talk to him about my concerns regarding it, the conversation goes nowhere. He blows it off, or calls me a sex addict. I genuinely don’t think I am, at my age I assume it’s healthy to have a high libido. He talks to me about his previous sexual experiences before me and I’m honestly jealous. He doesn’t even know how many partners he’s had and he tells me about all the kinky sex he’s had with them. It’s just not fair that I didn’t get that side of him.

Last night, he was going on about old partners again. The conversation started because I invited him to a Halloween party that I was going to, and he told me no. He told me that if he was going to go to a party, it would be if he was single so he could get laid. He started telling me about how many Halloween parties he’d been to where he was offered threesomes. Then proceeded to tell me about threesomes he’d been apart of. I started telling him that I was jealous that he got to experience so much, while I chose to settle early instead of experimenting. I told him that while I didn’t regret our relationship, I wish I had experienced more before we’d gotten together.

He actually agreed with me. That’s when he finally proposed an open relationship. He told me that I could experiment with women (something I expressed interest in), we would just have to talk about it first. I told him that I needed to think about it, because this was something totally different from anything I’d experienced in a relationship.

Now, here are my problems with this proposal. I’m scared that an open relationship wont help anything, and will only make things worse. Opening our relationship will not fix our sex lives, and I don’t want him falling out of love with me. Not only that, but open relationships (from my knowledge) work both ways. If I get to be intimate with other people, he does too. Which I don’t want, my whole issue in the first place is that he isn’t having sex with me. So I would be incredibly hurt if he went and did stuff with someone else.

I think that’s all. I can answer any questions regarding the situation. I’m hoping to get some advice, and decide on if an open relationship is a good way to go from here. Thanks for reading. :)

How do I find a 3rd? I’m bi and my partner has agreed for me to explore with him just struggling to do so

Title: First time trying poly after 8 years together. Struggling with mixed feelings.

My GF (29F) and I (30M) have been together for almost 8 years. We've always been monogamous and had a pretty healthy relationship, including our sex life. We're currently long-distance and probably won't be able to live together again until 2028.

In August, she brought up polyamory because she was developing feelings for a coworker. I agreed to try it because I love her and understand that long-distance can be difficult, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. Neither of us had tried non-monogamy before.

She's now been dating him for over two months, and things have moved pretty fast. She's already met his parents, and they spend a lot of time together. He's three years younger than her and apparently has his own insecurities about their relationship.

My GF has been transparent with me, including telling me when they spend the night together. She still makes time to call me and has promised to prioritize seeing me during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

But emotionally, it's been a roller coaster. At first, I even struggled to sleep. Sometimes knowing she's having sex with someone else makes me anxious, sad, or jealous. Other times, strangely enough, I feel turned on and curious about the details, even wanting to compare their experiences with ours. I'm still trying to understand why I feel both ways.

She tells me she loves me and feels more secure and comfortable with me, but also says her new BF brings a kind of passion that has faded in our relationship after so many years. I understand what she means, but it still hurts.

Our original plan is to live together again in 2028, but honestly, a lot could happen before then. She isn't even sure whether this new relationship is temporary or something more serious. I'm also a little concerned about the fact that he's her coworker, especially if things don't work out.

I genuinely love her, and I believe she loves me too. I don't want to lose what we've built over eight years, but sometimes I wonder if I'm accepting poly because I actually want it or because I'm afraid of losing her.

For those who've been through something similar, how did you handle the jealousy, curiosity, and uncertainty? How do you know whether poly is actually right for you?

I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who transitioned from a long-term mono relationship to poly.

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What are your thoughts on don't ask don't tell when the initial - primary relationship for lack of a better description, is a non-exclusive one but that is ONLY sexual in nature? Do you think then it is OK to have don't ask don't tell, if it is not a romantic one but one in which you only have sex together, nothing else? Obvs safe sex, if it happens, with anyone else is important etc. But in that situation and if you've already had a conversation that you are not exclusive & can have sex or whatever you want with others...do you have to tell them the details? (As opposed to/compared to) a romantic one where you also date, talk a lot & so on too?) Like an F buddy thing, I guess? Intention is to let anyone new know about the F buddy, but if F buddy has already said it is not exclusive, free to do whatever with whoever, do they really have to know the deets?

Have looked up this sort of thing, but only seen it discussed when it's with a primary romantic partner.