Hello, so me and my husband recently moved, and for the past couple months I have been unemployed and despite looking for work, I have been unsuccessful. As a result, I have been trying to find ways to stay productive, and increase my testimony of Jesus. That being said I have tried following promptings online as a part of it, yet I feel more like I'm hitting dead ends.
What probably doesn't help is that I've always been an oddball. I know I'm not exactly the typical lds person. I'm bisexual, left leaning, autistic, schizophrenic, etc. I know I have a place in the Lord's kingdom but sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak. You see, because I have schizophrenia I wonder sometimes if I can even trust myself to know whether or not God is actually really speaking to me or not (my flavor of schizophrenia, by the way, is based on delusions and paranoia rather than seeing or hearing things). Honestly, prayer is kind of hard for me. It's not that I haven't felt His peace before in response to prayer, but I have misunderstood what that peace has meant before. So sometimes it feels safer to not try and not fail, you know? I know that's Satan talking but still! I try to comfort myself in the knowledge that that's a universal struggle because only God is truly sane enough to see everything as they really are.
It's just so frustrating sometimes. At times I can be coherent and then at other times I have so much trouble just trying to express myself that I feel inferior. I remember a time in my life where I was just autistic without this additional problem, and sometimes I wonder if others view me as a second class disciple because I can't speak as well as they do on the spot. That or people questioning the validity of my faith because of my mental illness. I admit I haven't really shied away from telling people about my disabilities. I know there's a lot of stigma around people like me and I want people to put a face to it so it's less scary. Yet I still feel rather lonely. So I thought, why not try engaging online? But so far it doesn't really seem like I'm actually doing much good at anything. I've tried sharing some projects but due to my use of AI in both, I received some feedback that more or less told me that my input was not valued because I used something to help me. Both projects ultimately led to negative karma points. I know that's not the end of the world but it does feel a bit like a slap in the face. I just want to feel like I'm of use to someone. In any case, maybe this is as much as a rant as it is asking for input. I'm struggling right now.