Bit of a rant (all I seem to do atm lol) but why is it that people are just so weird about grief?

Context: I lost my dad suddenly, around the time I had my baby. He had a cardiac arrest and he was only in his early 60s. I’m not even 30 yet. It’s been nearly 6 months and needless to say, I’ve been in survival mode. My husband and daughter have been blessings and I am so grateful to them. However, some of my friends are nowhere to be seen and whenever I mention my dad to some of them, it seems like they can’t get away from the topic fast enough. Like why??? It’s my grief so why are you being so awkward about it? And as time goes on, people stop asking how you are. It’s so bloody hard, I find myself crying most days at home with my baby while my husband’s at work. Even my husband’s parents don’t really ask how I am, and they’re the only people I really see through the week when I’m on my own. My dad would’ve been at my house every day.

I can’t help but feel I’ve been dealt a very shit hand. I’m usually a positive and upbeat person but life has been very challenging recently and people seem to be making it worse. I totally get people might not know what to say, but honestly a simple “how are you?” would suffice.

Two days ago, I found my cat Crunch lying motionless on the ground in my yard. I checked his pulse and performed CPR, but there was nothing I could do. He succumbed to his injuries.

TW: graphic content

I tried to figure out the cause of his death; he didn’t have any serious visible injuries, but there was a small pool of blood near his head, and blood was flowing from his nose and mouth. I wonder if he might have been hit by a car? The cause of his death remains a mystery to me.

I still can’t believe it. It’s as if a part of me left with him. His death is incomprehensible... he was only 7 years old, that’s no age to die… Even after several days, I’m still in denial, it feels like everything has been unreal ever since the moment my eyes fell on his lifeless body, lying on the ground. As if what I saw were just a bad dream. Sometimes I get my hopes up, I tell myself that maybe the cat I saw dead yesterday wasn’t really him? Even though I know full well that’s not true.

But the worst part of it all is the guilt. I keep replaying the scene where I performed CPR on him over and over in my head; I blame myself for reacting poorly in the heat of the moment. It’s a horrible feeling of guilt that’s eating away at me. Unfortunately, I’ll never know if I could have actually saved him.

He was an exceptionally sweet cat. He purred all the time, climbed onto our shoulders to get our attention, and even greeted our guests at home. He didn’t deserve to die so young, and I hate feeling like I’m responsible for all of this.

Thank you for reading this far; this was just a personal account to help me unburden myself.

I lost my grandpa a few days ago. Apart from my dogs, he’s the first person close to me I’ve ever lost. So the first time I’m experiencing strong grief.

So I’m not use to these things I’m experiencing. And I was wondering if these things are common in grief:

- I go through these different things in waves. Sometimes I cry my eyes out and really struggle to calm down - this is often triggered by something like hearing his voice inside my head or when I think about the situation more etc. Sometimes I feel numb - none of my emotions feel “real”. Sometimes I even forget for a minute that he’s gone - which makes it more upsetting when I remember again
- My appetite is different. I don’t “feel” hungry anymore. It’s like I eat because it’s the right time of year day to. I live with my parents - I think that if I lived on my own I might not have eaten at all. When I do eat, it might taste nice but it doesn’t feel as “fulfilling”as usual. Sometimes I snack in the evening - it’s like trying to make something feel fulfilling but it doesn’t.
- I struggle to concentrate as much. Such as things on the tv
- I feel weird being “normal”. It feels strange doing a normal routine “get up, eat, sleep” etc when something “not normal” has happened.
- I’m Christian but I’ve felt more connected to my religion now. I find myself talking to god more, and it’s like my mind tells me (not through my own head voice) what he’d say back
- It feels empty, I notice his prescence gone
- Feeling more “heavy”
- Some of the things I’ve found that helps is remembering the happy memories with him and knowing he’s not suffering anymore. But that only helps a bit

i lost my 2nd parent a month ago and while we had a complicated relationship and it feels less like missing an important part of my life and more like failing to prevent the death of a person who needed my help (?)

i hate myself more than ever and the people around me for living in blissful ignorance, i get angry that i’ll probably remain poor for the rest of my whole life after their debt has been transferred onto me, etc etc. I don’t like being self piteous and sounding like a teenager but even things like having hooded eyes and not being able to do my eyeliner make me spiral into a fit of rage atm

i do go to therapy and that helps a lot but yeah
part of the problem is (and I know isolation is a large-scale issue and what I'm describing is only a personal failing up to a point) I'm very isolated and all my life I just wanted to sort of have someone who Gets what's it like losing your childhood and adulthood to caregiving duties and anhedonia, now it feels like the gap between me and the rest of the world has only widened further and it would take far more time and resources to attempt to close it than I will ever have

This is a cry for help more than a vent
Earlier this year I lost someone very important in my family he passed away so suddenly in a different country this person was like a parent to me
Now and for almost 8 months all I’ve been thinking about is what if I’ll lose a family member so suddenly all my mind is thinking of is that I’m just expecting worse case scenarios and what ifs I can’t enjoy any moment anymore without thinking this might be the last I’m barely leaving the house because I’m scared someone will get hurt when I’m not around and all I’m doing is going from a bad thought to another, therapy is not available rn let alone it’s too expensive. Bad thought are seeping into my dreams and making me think those dreams are a sign of something bad will happen I can’t even run away from those thoughts by sleeping anymore.
Does anyone know how to deal with this?

I lost my grandad on the 3rd of this month. I know it may not seem like a lot to others, I get that, but God, I have never felt a pain like this.

Growing up my grandad was my everything. He encouraged me to take up interests and hobbies then supported me in them. He knew my brain didn't work the same as others so when I was stressed or overwhelmed he'd keep me off school and teach me sailors knots.

To this day, I love untangling things.

He taught me to love music and dance even if I'm bad at it. Taught me to write poems and would read them to me when he found one he liked.

When I was a small child hed put the tin bath in the garden and let me bath how they used to as kids haha.

My most precious memory of him is every single time it rained and he was home from sea we would sit in the garden shed and listen to the rain on the roof. He'd tell me stories about sailors, mermaids and old wives tales. He'd tell me ghost stories from countries he had visited on his sailing career.

I managed to say goodbye, I called him about an hour before his death and he was comatose. When I said how much I loved him, and what he meant he tried to wake up to respond. It absolutely broke me. And since then I just can't function well, but I'm trying and my husband is doing everything he can to help and make me feel better.

That man was the first great love of my life, the reason I am who I am. And while this grief feels completely overwhelming every time I cry I end up smiling because how lucky was I? I got to have that love, that support and that special man in my life.

I found out when I was 25 he wasn't biologically my grandad. And it just made me love him more. I was his absolute favorite person on this earth from the moment I was born. And he knew I wasn't his blood and it made not a lick of difference. That man showed me what love and family is.

Anyway, I just wanted to put it down somewhere. I don't post on social media at all. So you strangers get my words. I don't even care if anyone reads this.

I just want it in the universe that I loved that man and will continue to love him until my dying day and I hope I can make him even more proud

Sorry if this is all over the place

Have a great day and cherish your loved ones

"And I really don't mind the rain, and a smile can hide all the pain"

hi, my dog died on June 3rd 2025 and I feel like like I haven't been the same since then. he died because he had a tumor in his pancreas and I know I could've known it sooner, he was kinda yellow and I know basic medical stuff cause im very curious, so I blamed myself a lot.

Anyways, I started going to therapy and it helped me but I still have his favorite toy and his collar very near to me in my room, makes me feel less alone.

My dog was my companion for 9 years of my life since im an only child and suddenky he wasn't anymore so I felt really alone, I still do.

I have a cat now, sweetest thing in the world but there's a little emptiness inside me since I saw my dog die and I dont know how to deal with it.

Therapy doesn't help and I dont wanna bother anyone cause its been a long time and I dont even have time to deal with my feelings but this rotten feeling inside me just bothers me allot and I dont know if its there because I dont know how to grieve.

thanks

I had a fire 3 days ago. i still remember the moment when my dad told me they foubd her and she was dead, i ran to her and held her and just screamed and cried for 30 minutes and i didn’t ever want to put her down again i just wanted to hold her forever and kiss her soft furry little head and rub her little ears. She looked so peaceful curled up in a ball like she just fell asleep from the smoke or like she was already asleep and the smoke killed her in her sleep. 

The guilt i feel is eating me alive i cant get over the fact that I could’ve saved her if i had just looked for her, i didnt even try. if i had just fucking looked for her instead of panicking she would have been alive. i thought i had time i swear I thought i did, but the house became black so fast and the smoke was billowing out from the front door it was hard to breathe I wasn’t thinking straight. the thought of me just walking past her on the floor or something makes me so fucking angry at myself i just want to hit myself. I hate myself so much. i miss my baby girl so much. i wish it were me instead ofher. i wish I had died trying to save her.

rest in peace violet. my sweet beautiful grey tabby baby. you are the most beautiful cat I’ve ever known. i miss your little shimmy, the way you would stretch your back legs every single time we would talk to you. i miss your sweet little baby meow, your mischievous little antics. i miss picking you up and kissing your little face, and the way you would put your little feet on my face when i did it. i miss your air biscuits when you rolled around on the floor hanging out with me in the bathroom. i miss the way you would purr so loud every single time i talked to you or looked at you. i fucking miss every single thing about you. i miss you so much. this stupid, cruel, useless and fucking pathetic world will never be able to hurt you again. you’ll always be my baby, nothing will ever change that. i cant wait to see you again one day. I love you so much, my sweet little baby. i will love you forever. i hope you knew how much I loved you.

I lost my ex almost 3 months ago. He and I had an interesting relationship; we had gone a year without contact and then started being in each other's lives again, then we didn't talk for a couple weeks, then he passed away suddenly. I still loved him a ton even when we didn't speak and his passing has been really difficult for me.

While my own personal feelings are already a lot to handle, I think one of the hardest things is knowing how/when to mention it to others. I have a very active social life and I'd say about half of the people I see on a regular basis know that he passed.

I find it incredibly awkward when I see someone I haven't seen in like 6 months and they ask me how I'm doing because I find it hard to hide the fact that somethings very wrong. They'll be like, "oh how have you been!" And if I say ANYTHING other than "I'm good!" people tend to pry and be like "well what's wrong?"

I often don't know what to say because I feel really weird and guilty about bringing up something as heavy as death in a casual conversation. But I also get a weird awful nagging feeling when I just lie and say everything is just fine. Like I'm hiding this secret, it makes me feel isolated.

I'm also having trouble finding anything else to share about my life, because pretty much all day every day I'm focused on just taking care of myself at a basic level, going to work, eating and sleeping. it seems like I don't really have time, energy, or resources to do much else right now, which is fine with me, but I feel rather boring and almost consumed by my grief. I don't know what to offer other people in terms of details about my life because there really aren't any.

Do I just keep lying?? and pretending I'm alright?? Do others have experience with this???

I lost my great auntie just under 2 weeks ago. I am 23yo and she was the first close family member I’ve lost. I feel guilty in a sense because she was my great auntie so wasn’t a direct family member however we were really close and she was like a second mum to my mum.
I know grief is hard to navigate and im struggling to just believe she won’t be here anymore. I’ve been so busy these past few days that I haven’t been able to think about it then today the sadness just hit me completely. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so sad then other times I feel guilty for not being sad.
Does anyone have any advice? I want to be there for my mum but I live in a different country so phone calls is all I can do right now. I flew home the night before the funeral and flew back the night of because I had work the next day and thought I would be okay but felt worse. When I’m not sad or happy part of me just feels empty like I’m waiting for something to help this feeling.

My poor Gramma has fallen and suffered a severe stroke, she has a brain bleed so large it's pressing her brain against her skull on the other side. I've been at the hospital since about 3 pm and won't leave until she passes. There is no chance of recovery and we're just doing our best to keep her comfortable.

I'm all alone in her room with her, we were never that close. I was the odd duck in the family and slowly drifted away when I was a teen. I'm 30 now, and I'm realizing that I'll never get back the time I missed with her.

I don't want her to be alone when she passes, but I know being here and watching it is going to ruin me. Due to the severity of the brain bleed her body is nauseated and she's unfortunately throwing up and if you aren't paying attention to sit her up far enough and get the suction tube in she will suffocate. I can't look away. Not for a second. I owe it to her to at least help her make it through the night. My heart hurts, I wanna scream, I wanna lay on the ground and just cry in a ball, I'm not okay, but I have to be the strong one for my family.

If you know of any books or anything that you think could maybe help me in my soon to be grieving pain, please leave a song you really like that brings you happiness, or a meme you really like. Please just comment things to distract my brain. Lots of love!

A friend of mine recently lost child. Their baby was born with pretty serious health issues and eventually passed at 6months old.

I know this must be such an unbelievably awful time for them. He also ended up splitting with his partner and due to rent prices ended up having to rent a place in a different town which although only 40 mins drive away, is a fair bit longer to get to by bus. Since he doesn’t drive he’s pretty isolated from friends etc as we all mostly live here.

I have zero idea what the right way to support him is

I have reached out by message of course and done the “if you need anything” thing. I work near him so don’t know whether suggesting meeting up would be helpful or whether it would be putting pressure on him. I’ve also just had a baby so I don’t know whether he’d just feel more shit talking with me. My bf is much closer to him than me and has done genuinely nothing which I find super cold of him but I don’t know whether to tell him to stop being such a shit friend or if he has a better idea of what his friend would want on account of just knowing him better

I just can’t imagine how dreadful it would be and if there’s even a tiny amount of comfort I could offer I want to do that

I know obviously everyone is different and there’s no instruction manual for things like this. I just wondered if anyone here had gone through something similar and has any thoughts on what would have been any small help to them I guess

My Dad died last Christmas. It took 3 months to get him cremated as he didn't have a will and I needed my sister's signature to do it. She is an addict and homeless and it was very difficult to get her to do anything. I was appointed the executor in May finally, and I have barely done anything since then.

I am paying the mortgage so his house doesn't get foreclosed on, but I haven't done anything else really that I should be doing. Lots of paperwork and accounts and taxes and I am completely overwhelmed. I am avoidant in general and I know I need to take care of all this. I barely know what any of this means. There is no one else to take care of this. All I see is all this evidence on how hard he worked and how much he gave and how everything he worked for just evaporated when he got laid off. For nearly my entire life he promised I would never have to go through what he went through, that we would be taken care of with his will and I've found he never had a will at all. No letters, no goodbyes, nothing.

Everyone says I need to give myself some grace, and I know I am a mess right now. Anytime I look at my Dad's papers and see how hard he was trying and I just break down. It feels so much worse when I know my Dad had to deal with the estates of his entire family before he was 20. And I am in my 30s and I feel like a lazy failure. I was in my last semester of grad school when he died and I was able to graduate in May, so I've had all this time to do this paperwork and I've been doing everything I can to avoid it. The probate is supposed to close soon.

I don't know what I'm asking for, gentleness or a reality check. I know this has to get done, but I don't think the banks and debt collectors really give a shit if I've been depressed. I wish I was smarter and more organized. I don't know if anyone has advice on how to grin and bear it. Usually in the past when I went through something rough I was able to get through it with hope for a happier future. I don't have that anymore. I miss my Dad and I feel like I've failed him in every possible way.

Hate October and February cuz it smells too much like the day where everything changed. Never want a month to go by so fast. I’ll never forget graduating without a friend that I worked on getting my drivers lessons with. And a childhood friend that I took my first steps with and never thought would be a missing. And then during Christmas I lost a family member due to mental issues and seeing mine picture next to her chair. I will never forget that guilt that I didn’t do enough. Hug the one’s that you’d never expect to go.

🩵- 2021
🧡- 2024
💜- 2025

You are never a burden.
Wear a seatbelt someone loves you.
You will be missed.

Ps. I’m just making this post because it’s a tough month I can barely go outside cuz of the smell. I just need to get this off my chest and if someone else is going through what I have I hope you felt heard.

My grandad died today. I dont know what to do.

Hello, my dad passed away yesterday morning. I’m 23, he was only 60. We were close, we were father daughter but we were also good friends I like to think.
We chatted and argued a lot, we went on long aimless drives, he helped me study, we watched a shit ton of anime, cartoons and movies. We used to go to the cinema for every premiere of the third Star Wars trilogy even though we were both underwhelmed by it (he grew up with the first trilogy and nothing ever compared). We watched Attack on Titan twice and he wanted to have a second rewatch soon. We watched ATLA and TLOK many many times.
Anyway, one of my most recurring thoughts is wondering where my dad is. I know where his body is, but is he anywhere at all? I like to believe he is somewhere and that it’s a really nice place. I can’t cope with the thought of my dad just not existing anymore, how can someone just disappear? My dad believed in the afterlife, he also had a couple near death experiences that convinced him there is something. I can’t know for certain. I keep asking him to show up somehow, answer or give a sign. I may have gotten one, but I might also just be a bit delusional. I keep thinking I’ll hear him watch tv or talk with our cat, or yawn obnoxiously loud, or play age of empires at full volume (the same version he played for thirty years). I hear nothing, the house feels empty even with everyone visiting and the world is completely off key.
I suppose this is more of a vent post but It’d be nice to hear your thoughts. I wish strength to everyone here.

And here we are almost to the third anniversary of that day I know neither of us will ever forget ...idk why this time of year I think of you so much , or maybe I do ...after all you witnessed two deaths that day one my mother's mortal death

The second the death of my heart and soul, since that day I've longed for my mortal death many times but something is keeping me here the illness with the impossible prognosis couldn't even relive my suffering my sister is now my drive to live yet still ,I know you don't love me anymore I know you belive me a horrible person and to you I most deffinently was , yes I trapped you for a period in the prison of what I called my love I am regretful that it was so damaging to you , however I wish you'd see it from my perspective I had to ...or I'd have found my end shortly after my mom did and my sister would be completely alone belive it or not we have found ourselves closer than ever and we enjoy our lives just the two of us it is unfortunate that you had to be am emotional casualty in this situation I never wanted to hurt you I really did care I tried to protect you so I thought but Justin it was you who saved me I hope out of this you have learned the importance of honesty as I found the importance of knowing that bi shouldn't hold someone who was trying so hard to be what I needed tobsuch a standard that they could never live up to , I know this was my doing I'm sorry for having been your trauma I'm sorry I had to do that to you but it was the only way I could survive I hope one day you understand these words and can look back at the good times we had the way you gave me a better end of story before she left me I wish I could repay you for your service , she left thinking I wouldn't be alone that was her biggest fear well Justin I'm not alone you completed the task you were meant to in my life and for that I cannot thank you enough but the one gift I can give you is I won't ever seek you out I won't ever speak if I see you I will live as if we never met because I belive this is what you'd rather me do my heart is and will always be with you for so many reasons you've no idea how you saved me I hope you can now save you after the storm that was me and my family may you be blessed and happy in all that you do I hope you don't cry as much as you did in that time I hope you and your father are closer and I hope your mom is proud I hope you become a father you'll be a good one , and I hope you love yourself as much as we loved you we just showed it in a strange way life is so weird how it shapes us and twists and bends up breaks our hearts and grows back together dream big smile and know you were our angel and you saved us on so many plains

Till my last breath I will think of you with love and appreciation it's taken time to grow and be able to say the words that I needed to say I hope they somehow find your ears and that uou truly hear them and know I'm not the same person I was then tha k you my sad boy I will eternally Dance with you in the rain .......good bye

Love CAIRA

A close friend from college passed away in a horrible car accident. This was such a sudden and devastating loss. We are in our early thirties and no one could have even remotely seen this coming.

We hadn't really talked in three years after an unfortunately stupid incident where we just grew apart. I truly think both of us were just too stubborn and proud to fully take any responsibility for our actions and feelings.

It has been three months since he passed, and I find myself continuously thinking about him, grieving his life, what we had and what we should have continued to have. I feel so incredibly guilty grieving as hard as I have because we have not been close in years. I feel like everyone else's grief is so much larger than mine. His wife lost a partner, his young son lost a father, and his parents lost their only son. Any grieving on my part feels insulting to their loss.

I don't know what the point of this post is other than to say this is incredibly confusing and heartbreaking. I don't know what to do with all my unresolved thoughts and everything I wish I could have said.

It feels like the world is ending; I’ve been crying so much and I’ve been angry. She died naturally, seeing her unmoving was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. She was only 7.

I’m always an ambitious person, ambitious in work and even more so as a student and I haven’t had the energy for any of it. I’ve never had a response like this to death and I’m handling it the worst out of my family. I feel very isolated because of it. I miss her so much and this pain I’m experiencing is unbearable. I have depression and haven’t felt like this since I was unmedicated years ago. Genuinely, I’m concerned for my own wellbeing, but I have no one to talk to.

I’ve been experiencing physical symptoms over the past few days too of light-headedness and nausea, just feeling like I’m about to faint for the past two days and pale. It’s like I don’t feel real. I can laugh and have fun right now at least. It gets worse when I’m alone. I miss her so much.

Halloween always gets me thinking about this. Some people keep the whole tradition going, some quietly skip it, some just do one small thing, like making the dish they always made. Curious what other people do, even if it’s tiny.

I’m about to loose my granny who I’ve been taking care of for the last few years. I’m not sad that she’s dying as death seems to be a form of mercy for her. Obviously I’m sad that I’ll have to continue living without her, but I find some relief in knowing that her suffering will stop (if that makes any sense). I’m also very bad with emotions; expressing them as well as reacting to them. What I find I’m really anxious about is what it’s going to be like right after. I know about the five stages of grief but that’s not what I’m talking about exactly. I guess I would like to hear other peoples experiences as this is the first time I’ll be loosing someone very close to me. I kind of wish I could just skip to the part where everybody will be back to their daily life. How long until that happens?

It's been five months since my mom my soulmate Left and I had a couple drinks because I miss my mother.

My boyfriend says he wants to leave me.

And that he doesn't understand me.

I feel like I'm barely holding it together

I'm 28 and feel like everything in my life is falling apart. I really need some support from people who understand.

My mum died seven years ago, and I still struggle with the grief, especially when I see friends experiencing things with their mothers that I'll never get to experience. Now I'm also terrified about my dad's health. He lives alone, far away, and recently told me he may have had a heart attack. I feel helpless and scared of losing another parent.

My romantic life is also complicated. My ex and I have become physically close again, but he dismisses my feelings and leaves me feeling worse. Another man I care about is in love with someone else, and I'm struggling with the hurt and loneliness that comes with that.

I feel like I've spent my twenties surviving rather than living. My anxiety is getting worse, I feel like I have nobody to lean on, and I constantly compare myself to others who seem to have happier, more stable lives.

I'm exhausted from carrying so much while feeling so alone. Has anyone else experienced losing a parent young and feeling like they've never really recovered? How do you cope when you don't have a stable support system?

Tomorrow it will be one year since you left us, time passed and things changed, I wish you could be here, I miss you.

My mom passed away two weeks ago, I am feeling immense grief so I have decided to write about her cancer journey.

My mother was such a strong person. In December 2022, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, I was 18, my siblings were 16, 14 and 11. My dad is the same age as my mom, and he is a doctor.

She had the ALK mutation, which meant that she could take targeted therapy drugs to combat her cancer. It went well for around 7 months, she was responding well to the treatment and we had so much hope. The night before my LNAT exam (I am currently a law student in the UK), I found out that my family was hiding from me that the targeted drugs had stopped working, and she was starting chemotherapy immediately. I became depressed and hopeless, and I refused to sleep that night. I ended up not finishing my LNAT exam, and missed out on my dream university.

Before she started chemotherapy, at least I could pretend that everything would be okay, she would keep taking the medication, her cancer would go into remission and she would be okay for years, decades. I could just be hopeful. But when I found out she would start chemotherapy, I broke down. I could not handle it. I knew that this meant her lifespan would be shortened, and it would be extremely painful for her to go through.

Around the end of 2023, my mother was going through chemotherapy, radiotherapy and immunotherapy. She was so so strong through it. She gained a lot of body weight from the immunotherapy, her looks changed so much and it was hard for her to even move. Her self confidence went down a lot from her changed appearance. I remember spending a whole afternoon just massaging her legs because they had bloated a lot, it was to help her blood circulati. She would always tell me that it helped her movement and pain so much after I was done.

I gave her massages frequently throughout the years. It was usually before she went to sleep. She loved my massages. It was one of those moments of the day that she would be very relaxed, and we could just talk like normal. She would be in less pain and would be smiling and laughing during our conversations. I miss those moments so so so much.

There were also many close calls when she was going through immunotherapy. She passed out one night from fluid in her heart, and needed to have immediate surgery. We were all so so scared and were crying, we thought we had already lost her. It was the night before my flight back to college. I skipped my flight and stayed for another week to be with her. She fainted again the night after I went back to college.

In 2024, she slowly recovered from the side effects of treatment. She seemed fine, her cancer was not progressing, so I decided to pursue my dreams of studying law in the UK. I knew I would be very very far away from my family, but my family reassured me, and I went. In 2024 and 2025, I would come back for full summers and winters to take care of my mother and my family. She was doing well, we were creating a lot of memories, and everything seemed normal.

Fast forward to 2026, she started having pleural effusion (fluid in her lungs). I know that my family has been lucky, many people with stage 4 lung cancer have only days or months to live, but due to her specific ALK mutation, targeted therapy helped a lot and she managed to live on for four years. We even went on family trips. My family visited me in the UK, we also went to China together early this year.

After our China trip, we found out about her pleural effusion, and started regular drainage of her lungs. She also started becoming dependent on oxygen machines, needing oxygen concentrators to keep her blood-oxygen level up. At first she only needed it a few hours a day, but eventually she was using it 24/7. This became the new normal in our family. Despite being sick, she kept insisting on cooking for us every day. She was such a good cook. It was what she prided herself on. We all loved her cooking, she was so creative and intuitive about it. Our new normal was also carrying portable oxygen concentrators when we went outside. We would strap it at the back of her electric wheelchair, and she would just race around (she was a fast driver haha).

Eventually, besides becoming completely oxygen machine dependent, she also started getting weaker. There was no cancer progression, her right lung was completely fine (many people can live on healthily with just one lung), but she just slowly started feeling more out of breath. In July and August 2026, I started researching for further treatment of her pleural effusion. I read medical journals, talked to doctors and discussed them with my dad. My mother's quality of life had been severely affected by her oxygen dependency, and it had started making her feel hopeless. My research made her hopeful, and we regularly discussed different treatment options. We were so so hopeful.

One of her doctors, a lung cancer specialist, said we should not attempt treatment because it is not recommended for stage 4 lung cancer patients. We found out that he said this because he believes that the mortality rate of stage 4 lung cancer patients makes it pointless to try to solve her pleural effusion. In other words 'she's gonna die at any time so why stress it'. My mother was furious at this, I was too. So we wanted to get second opinion on this, and we ended up deciding to go through with the treatment.

However, we could not do the treatment because my mother was unfit to fly. Her lung capacity had deteriorated too much for her to fly for treatment. This was in September 2026. It was such a fast deterioriation because she had just flown in July 2026. Therefore, she had to start doing more breathing exercises and physical therapy to increase her lung capacity for her to be fit to fly and to do surgery.

Some of the doctors suggested an IPC (catheter). She did not want this because she said she would not feel 'human' with a bag attached to her chest every day. I helped her fight it, exploring other treatment options before I had to go back to the UK for my studies.

The day I went back to the UK, the day I saw her for the last time, she insisted on driving me to the airport. I remember hugging her and kissing her and telling her that I loved her. I also told myself that that would not be the last time I see her. She is fit enough to drive me to the airport, so surely her condition was not that bad.

A few days after I went back, my mother was driven to another town to install an IPC. The doctors had decided it was the best treatment option with the least risk. However, after installing the IPC, it felt like she had lost hope for life. They told her she would have to wear it for the rest of her life. I did not know this. I was also previously told that the IPC could be temporary, that it could just be used to temporarily drain fluid in her lungs until she got better, and then she could get permanent surgery.

So she lost hope for life and her condition deterioriated very fast. I really wanted to be there for her in her last days. She insisted that I do not come back to take care of her, and that she wanted me to focus on my studies, and that this would make her feel at peace. I did as she said, I studied and carried on with life. My dad also told me that she still has weeks or months to live, and that I should focus on university.

I did as I was told, and I was going to fly back during reading week at the end of October to see my mother. However, I received a call on October 14 that her condition was rapidly deterioriating and she was going to die that day. I was completely devastated.

She was in a coma-like condition and she could not speak. She would move her eyes a bit when we were speaking, I think she was trying to tell us we could hear her. Before she passed, she even raised her arm and pat my sister on the back. I think she was trying to say goodbye and reassure us.

Sadly, I did not get to say goodbye to her. She passed away when I was at Heathrow Airport waiting for my flight. We were on video call. My other sister was on a flight back to her. My father and two siblings were hugging her as she passed. I spent the 10+ hours on the flight back crying and feeling completely empty.

It has been almost two weeks since my mother passed away. I miss her so so much. She was such a strong person, she was put through so much. I had watched her do endless surgeries and procedures and treatments. She did it all for us. For me, my siblings, my dad. She did not want to leave us. She wanted to see us grow up and flourish. She wanted to have more time with my dad, her high school sweetheart.

I am grateful for the (almost) four more years I had with her. The doctors and my dad made it happen. I just, wish I had more. I am 22, and I am grieving all the milestones I will miss with her. My graduation, my wedding, my first kid. I am so incredibly sad that she will not be there with me.

I also know how hopeful she was. I knew how much she wanted to live and be with us. Every time I think of how hopeless she must have felt at the end, I feel close to having a panic attack. They say she was at peace when she went, but I know better. I had so so many conversations with her during my summer break. We had so many plans, we had so much hope of her getting better, all those dreams died with her. And a big part of me died with her too.

I keep trying to tell myself that her pain is over, her struggle is over and she can finally be at peace. This is definitely true. But I still miss her. I miss her laugh, her stubbornness, her energy and her food. I miss massaging her feet and taking care of her. I miss hugging and kissing her goodnight every night. I wish I did all this one last time.

I know I was honouring her wish by staying in the UK and studying. But if I knew she would pass away this soon, I would never have went back to the UK and I would have stayed to be there for her one last time.

She frequently told me and my dad that I took care of her best. I listened to her needs, I was attentive and she felt heard and seen. This brings me a lot of peace. But it also brings me a lot of grief that I could not be the one there taking care of her during her last days. I know she was unhappy with the food my dad cooked and the way she was taken care of. I think she wishes I was there but she did not tell me because she wanted me to focus on my life. I can't help but feel like I will regret my decision not to fight and go back, for the rest of my life.