Transition has been a large part of my life since I was 16 years old. Even now as a detransitioner, I have a sibling who's 17 and has recently come out as trans. For months I've been mulling over how to give my all to my sibling and be there for them. I want to be what I didn't have in my life when I was that age. I'm writing this as a way to organize my thoughts, and also to share a decently in-depth depiction of the role transition played in my life with others who would benefit from it.

To start, I'll describe my childhood. I'm new to reddit but I understand some abuse topics need some censorship. I was born and raised in Canada in a suburban middle-class white family. As a kid, I would have said I love my parents and that they're amazing, as most kids would, but as an adult I can understand the extend to which they've messed up with raising me and my two siblings. I didn't know what CSA (Child SA) looked like when I was younger. It didn't hurt me physically, and so my child brain thought that it was normal. My father was also physically abusive and emotionally abusive. He had really bad anger issues, and would over-react with physical harm to me and my siblings when we were younger, but especially to me because I was the only boy. Many times he would cover my mouth and nose and smother me, while yelling at me. I think I was as young as 5 years old, but I was sure I was going to die. He would also make fun of me for being autistic, and humiliate me in front of friends and family using times I had trusted him. In the past year, some repressed memories came back and I confronted my dad about his SA. Only then did I find out that is was not only a lot worse than I could remember, but that it also had happened to both of my siblings. I was a rather quiet kid for most of my life. I've had one best friend since I was 7, and many other friends that have come and gone, but I've spent a large portion of my life alone. I've exhibited autistic traits since I was 5 years old, but my parents never got me assessed. To this day, I'm certain I'm autistic but have still yet to get a formal assessment due to costs. My childhood trauma has certainly affected the way I process things, as well as plaguing me with several mental health challenges which have been intertwined with the formation of my identity.

My first exposure to the LGBT community was through my school when I was in 8th grade. My whole class was taught about transgender and gay people, and some stories were shared with us. I didn't think much of it at the time. I really didn't have much of a sense of identity at 12 years old. A couple years later, when I was 15, I came out to my mom and subsequently my dad as gay. I didn't have many friends in real life, so I had gravitated towards talking to people on discord servers. On there I met this 13 year old FTM trans kid who described their own experience on how they knew they were trans, and feelings they had. A lot of what they said was relatable to me. When I looked in the mirror I barely recognized myself. At that age I would often stare at myself in the mirror, but I had no idea why. I didn't fit in with other boys. I had never liked wearing suits or playing rough sports. I had even experimented with wearing dresses when I was a young child, and I did some stereotypically effeminate activities like making bracelets and necklaces out of flowers at school. I also felt a lot of shame around my sexuality at that age. I hadn't come out to anyone other than my parents and online friends, and so I constantly felt inauthentic and repressed. Later that year, when I was still 15, I started considering I may be non-binary. I could relate to the trans experience that my FTM online friend had described to me, and I really wanted to express myself more femininely. Because of my repression of my identity, I felt very scared expressing any kind of femininity or gender-bending expression, and so this desire to be feminine stayed as just a desire. Throughout this time period, I was working extremely hard in high school. I dedicated almost all of my time to my studies. I didn't use any drugs or alcohol, or hang out with many people. Soon after turning 16, I started to fully identify as a closeted trans girl. I wanted to start taking hormones, and through my limited research online, I saw that I would need to see a therapist first, so I reached out to a therapist to discuss autism and gender identity, primarily. She isn't first and foremost a gender affirming therapist. She specializes in addiction and works with a lot of children, and happens to have a lot of experience with trans people. I still see her sometimes to this day, and I think she's a good therapist. When I first started talking to her about my gender identity, our primary focus was on dismantling the intense anxiety and fear around expressing myself, and to take small steps to express myself the way I wanted to. She gave me small goals — like to buy one article of female clothing — and I would accomplish them and grow slightly more confident each time. I started growing my hair out, I got my ears pierced, and I started to dress androgynously rather than the masculine t-shirts and shorts I had gotten so used to. I even went to a pride parade with my family. At the time, I felt happy to see so many other gay and trans people. It made me feel less alone. I kept on building my confidence with my therapist. She wrote a letter for me to take to my doctor saying that I expressed significant distress related to gender dysphoric issues. My doctor referred me to an endocrinologist. After a few months, when I was still 16, my appointment with that endocrinologist to start HRT came, but I was too scared to commit fully to being a girl at that age, and I cancelled. My life continued on like this for another year or so. I got accepted into a prestigious math program, and moved away to university to dive head first into my studies at 17 years old. In the first month or so at university, I had actually felt for the most part very happy with who I was. It was probably the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was working so hard on my future. I was singing in choir and finding the voice that I had suppressed my entire life. I was making new friends and talking to new people. However, despite being in such a great place in my life, I had not forgotten about my trans identity, and at many times I still felt a strong and deep longing to be a girl. I had a group of exclusively female friends at university, in which I was the only boy. I felt happy in that environment. I cherished my female friendships, because they made me feel like I belonged in a way that I didn't often get in my male friendships. I would sometimes leave my choir rehearsals in tears, because to me they represented the most beautiful expression of authentic expression and community I had ever seen, and yet I didn't feel fully authentic. There aren't many things as beautiful to me as giving your voice and your expression to your community to be a part of something larger. I wanted so desperately to be a girl singing in the choir. I wanted to experience that same beautiful and healing community but as the person I had been wanting to be for years. That feeling every time I went to choir tore me down, and after just a couple months of it, I decided I needed to transition and be that authentic version of myself. I contacted the gender affirming care sector of campus health at my university, and got an appointment to start HRT through informed consent. My appointment was scheduled for right after my 18th birthday in December. I went to the appointment, and a nurse practitioner read through the effects of spironolactone and estradiol, asked me which effects I desired — I wanted fully female hormone levels so I was given the treatment plan with both — and after a blood test I was started on spironolactone. It was a very emotional moment for me, as it signified the moment that I had the bravery to become the person I had wanted to be for years. Due to incorrect liver enzyme readings because of a common cold, I had to wait 3 more months before starting estradiol. However, in that time I had already committed myself fully to presenting like a girl. I bought many make-up products, and wore eyeliner and mascara most places I went, and some more androgynous female clothing like sweaters along with yoga pants. I felt extremely self-conscious in public almost all the time. I came out to my friends at university, and they said they accepted me and tried their best to remember to use female pronouns for me, although they never treated me like a girl, and excluded me from rooming with them in a shared apartment for second year. They said that girls weren't allowed to live with guys, which really dug that impostor syndrome dagger deep. I felt like eyes were on me a lot of the time, and although it was very played up in my mind, it's true that many people looked at me with a confused and judgmental look. Living like this was hard, but eventually my sense of confidence started to skyrocket from this prolonged exposure to judgement. Despite all the trauma I have from my transition, I might not be this confident of a person today if I hadn't gone through it. My first year of university was coming to a wrap, and I had already been considering voice surgery for several months. I should NEVER have been considering such a life-altering surgery just a few months after committing to my transition, but as a singer my voice is such a large part of who I am, and I was not satisfied at all with the voice training I had done up until then. My voice was exceptionally deep for a male. I had one of the lowest voices in my choir of about 60 people, easily projecting fortissimo notes as low as C2. I felt like my voice was the most masculine thing about my body, and the biggest thing holding me back from living as a girl. I compared myself to trans girls I would see online whose voices hadn't deepened much, and it was the most awful feeling knowing that I would never get to have my high pre-pubescent voice back. Voice surgery was my only hope in my mind at getting my high voice back, and so I obsessed over it. I spend dozens of hours reading medical journals about all the different vocal feminization surgeries, and finding opinions from doctors and experiences from people who have gotten these surgeries. I decided that VFSRAC (Vocal fold shortening and retrodisplacement of the anterior commissures) yielded the best results while being less risky than many of the other surgeries, and so I booked my surgery in Korea, and talked to my dad about financial support for the surgery. I had saved enough money from my high school job to cover the approximate $13,000 CAD cost of the surgery, but my dad offered to pay for it. Within a few months I was on my flight to Korea. To say the experience was stressful would be a massive understatement. I was 18 years old and on the other side of the planet about to receive a life-changing irreversible surgery. The night before the surgery, I panicked like I had never panicked in my life. I emailed my therapist and had an impromptu emergency therapy session. She assured me that I had already done my thinking, and that further thinking about this decision wouldn't help me at this point. She assured me to trust my self that made the decision to come here. The morning of the surgery came, and I went to the clinic. I got prepped for the surgery, but I burst into tears in front of the nurses. I was so scared, unlike I had ever been in my life. My surgeon came in to talk to me. He told me that I wasn't scared about the surgery, but rather that I was scared about committing to my transition. He told me that I had two decisions. I could cancel the surgery, and have the option to come back in two years, or I could get my surgery now. He left me to think for 15 minutes. I was so overwhelmed, but I had this vision in my mind of the girl I wanted to be. I wanted to be brave and take my life into my own hands. I wiped my tears away, stared out the window for those 15 minutes, and let them know I was ready for surgery. That morning is forever seared into my mind as one of the most stressful days of my life. The surgery was short, and when I woke up I was met with my dad and my nurse, accompanied by an extremely swollen tongue and a dry throat like you could not imagine. I was not allowed to drink water for the first hour or so, but after that I had some water to drink and ice cream to eat. I was on a strict two month complete vocal rest, and so I could only communicate through typing on my phone. My brain is very procedural, and because I had already gotten it done, the only thing to think about was my recovery process, and executing it perfectly. The flight back to Canada was awful with the stress of getting sick or dehydrated, but once I had gotten home, I only had to cruise through the next two months of complete vocal rest. It was challenging. I didn't have a voice, and therefore couldn't stick up for myself in conflicts or even communicate simple things. I had one close friend I hung out with during that period, and she was a massive support to me. She accepted me 100% as a girl, and was someone I cherished. Those two months were slow, but eventually they were up and I could say my first word with my new voice. I spoke, and my voice was so soft and light. There's truly nothing like trying out your new voice, and so it's hard to describe how I felt. Having this higher voice was very very euphoric to me at first, and I rode that high for several months. I felt like I was finally able to be a girl, and the one obstacle keeping me from it was now gone. I went out and felt so much more confident in my body. I also committed to living in a female dorm for my next year of university, and coming back to choir I was able to sing in the alto section and get vocal coaching from our director as an alto. My voice was higher, but I still looked physically male in most ways. I had been on hormone therapy for less than a year, and I had not gotten any cosmetic surgeries. I still got misgendered a ton, and my everyday life of living on a university campus as a trans girl who didn't pass took a toll on my mental health in a very severe way over time. My impostor syndrome really ate at me. I wanted to hide away in my room so much of the time because I felt like a fake and I didn't want people to see me. I even hid from my own roommates because I felt so ashamed to appear as a male living in a female dorm. For context, I reached out to both of them before we moved in and told them I was a trans girl because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. It was a null factor to them. Neither of them even really mentioned it, but I still couldn't help but worry. In retrospect, I really don't think either of them ever cared at all. My anxiety just played it up in my mind. I finished my first term like this. I passed all of my courses — except for linear algebra 2 — and performed as an alto in my choir's end of term performance. At this point I was still very happy with my transition overall, and I had already been planning my facial feminization surgery in Korea. It was to happen in December, just days before my 19th birthday. My dad offered to pay for this surgery too, although it was far more expensive than voice surgery. For months before the surgery, doubts circled through my mind. This anxiety around having to appear like a girl to people was so much to bear, and so I found comfort in taking breaks from it; I would wear some of my old male t-shirts and pants and get out of my dorm and look pretty androgynous. Even when I didn't make an effort to look female, I still got gendered as female maybe 50% of the time due to my high voice and the effects of almost a year of HRT on my body. I really liked the relief from the extreme pressure I put on myself to look like girl, and that relief catalyzed the beginning of my detransition. I stopped wanting to put myself through the constant effort of trying to look like a girl. I went out all the time wearing what I found comfortable rather than what was feminine. I just avoided scenarios where I was confronted with gender. Choir is heavily gendered, though, and so I started having a rough time showing up to that. I already did not pass perfectly when I was trying to, and so standing with a bunch of girls and women rather than the guys in the choir while not even trying to look like a girl made me feel like such an outcast. I had my director move me to the tenor section. I could not comfortably sing tenor, but at least I was able to blend in more. Not too long after starting to sing tenor, I started having severe problems with my voice. I would get pains often, and I could not talk whatsoever without my voice breaking into a hoarse crackly sound. That was the result of severe vocal tremors from using my modified vocal folds in a way they weren't supposed to be used. This made my depression spiral into something far worse than it had ever been. I felt so lost and hurt, and like I was damaged goods. I self harmed, and I thought about taking my life every day. When the time came for my facial feminization surgery, I ended up canceling it just a few days before my flight to Korea. At this point I knew I didn't want to keep trying to transition. I didn't identify as a male at that time. I still felt like a trans girl, but I had realized that the reality of living as a trans girl was so different from what I thought it would be. In my mind, I thought that after a certain point I would be able to live seamlessly as a girl, but I don't think my expectations were realistic. In the first year of my detransition, I was in a lot of mental anguish, and became an alcoholic as a maladaptive coping mechanism. I was kicked out of my house for it, and although that was a very difficult experience for me, my life has been so much better since. That was when I remembered the repressed memories of CSA, and started my process of working through it. I also was able to further separate myself from my family, and start to believe that I am capable of surviving without them. It does wonders to start building your identity separate from your abusers. I learned a lot about what it means to be yourself, and to express yourself. I learned to view my own identity less through the lens of how I'm viewed by others, and to stop striving to get others to view me the way I want to be seen. That's not something that's within my control. Nowadays, at almost 21 years old and being given another two years to reflect on my past, I think so much less about how people perceive me. That's to say I'm slightly further along in that aspect of my lifelong journey. My gender identity is not something I think about as often now. I'm trying to focus on things like work and relationships and school. As an autistic person, mentalizing is a universal struggle, and part of that struggle pertains to understanding your place in the world and who you are. For autistic people, that takes a little bit more time and effort, which goes hand in hand with the exorbitant correlation between autistic people and transgender people. I still have problems with vocal tremors, and I'm returning to my clinic in a matter of weeks to try and resolve the issues I live with. Despite the trauma I deal with, I'm taking slow steps to build my life up, and I'm proud of who I am, and the love that I have to give to my siblings, friends, and loved ones.

What I'd like to say to my teenage sibling — and to anyone else who is in the same position I was in at that age — is to hear my story and understand the growth than can happen in a few years time. Understand that you're at an age where it's natural to be finding your place in the world and figuring out who you are. Let yourself have the time to grow and understand your mind more before making medical decisions that will stay with you your whole life. Separate yourself from your abusers and let yourself grow apart from them. Let yourself experience multiple different communities and lifestyles.

I've attached a few pictures of myself ordered from oldest to newest, like a timeline. I wanted to add more from my detransition period, but I think I ran out of room in this post.

If you can relate to my experience, or have any comments or questions, feel free to leave a comment and I'll try to get back to you.

Can't orgasm + no sex drive. Had cervix, ovaries, and uterus removed. It's very depressing, and makes connecting to other people difficult. I really liked sex (I mean, duh). I feel like a different person now. Or a neutered dog. Very dehumanizing experience. 0/10 wouldn't recommend.

So I had top surgery 4 years ago (I was 18 at the time) Since then I started working through a fuck tonne of trauma that occurred during my childhood through to my teenage years.

About 2 years ago, I started to come to some realisations and wondered if I made the right decision. I started to think maybe it wasn't dysphoria and simply unresolved trauma (I won't get into the details of the trauma). I started questioning my gender identity again (I was non-binary at the time). I now identify as a woman, and I don't mind either they or she pronouns, but especially in the past few months, I have been grieving.

I regret the top surgery, and I'm distraught. I feel as though I'm missing a part of me, and I feel severely distressed. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and it doesn't help that my surgeon did a botched job (especially with the niples)

I realise now a reduction would have suited me better, but I didn't even know that was an option!

I've done some research, and i think that a fat transplant would do me well. I dont need absolute knockers, just a small pair that makes me feel more comfortable in my skin.

What I'm wondering :

1) I got top surgery on the NHS. Is the transplant possible to allow do on the NHS?

2) How will my nipple placement affect a fat transplant. They are uneven and quite high up.

3) Has anyone personally experienced this?

I'm MTF, and I started HRT almost 8 years ago. While I can tell there definitely have been huge psychological benefits to taking hormones, I've realized that being a trans woman isn't me or what I want. If I had actually treated my dysphoria the way I wanted to, I wouldn't have come out and maybe would have never started presenting as a woman. The kind of life I actually wanted to live... married, family, etc. has become basically impossible to achieve.

The biggest two things that are stopping me are that my social dysphoria would probably come back and two, I wouldn't know how to explain this to anyone, especially my colleagues and friends who don't know I am trans.

I spent 6 years living as the opposite sex and all I got was permanent nerve damage and extra suicidal thoughts. Only Miley Cyrus makes me feel better. I feel like a chudly ugly fugly baby. DHMU (except u Miley.. *winks*).

Or at least they treat me poorly more often than before.

Typically people think a few things. Often people still seemingly read me as a trans woman and vocalize it, because a trans woman obviously wears men's clothes all the time I guess. Or sometimes they think I'm a trans man and aggressively gender me female. Today a woman who walked past me with another person, after moving past me, said to the other, "That's not okay."

But even when it's not like that, when I'm just a normal guy to them, people treat me weird for being a guy without facial hair or gynecomastia. I already had a baby face to begin with, but now I have basically zero facial hair. People comment that I look weirdly young or today someone outright told me that I looked like a chipmunk. Or that I seem really "girly." I don't know why it's always women who say things like that.

And the thing is that I still look male enough that I obviously look like a man to people, and yet I guess I must still come across as trans even though I'm not taking estrogen. I think I was stupid and naive. I thought that people preferred that you detransition, but obviously most people likely don't even know what that is. What people really want is for you to look normal. And right now I can't do that no matter how I present myself.

I just wish people would mind their own business and leave me alone. And I wish people would at least keep their thoughts to themselves even if they didn't mind their own business.

I guess I might just be an awkward in-between stage still. But that's what people say about transitioning in the first place. It's just really really frustrating. And I can't do anything about it.

I think I've looked around here a few times and it just sends me into a crisis every single time. Pretty much every day I have constant doubt about my gender and transition. Not that I'd ever want to be a man, but this sub kinda just plays into my fears that I made the wrong choice. That I'm not really trans but was just some confused teen or something that felt lost. That I'll never be a girl no matter how much I want it. The posts here give me so much evidence that this is true. I think "Well all of these people realized it was just some silly phase. That they actually weren't what they said they were. What if I'm just playing pretend too?" The thing is, I think living as a man again would be horrible. Having to be a guy again is the kinda stuff I have nightmares about tbh. I feel better in my body and tend to be more happy and have better days on average, but there's a part of me constantly asking if I'm somehow still making this horrible mistake and that I should just detransiton for some greater good that I can't see right now. I don't know if coming here with this is a good idea, but you're all the detrans people. So, you have plenty of experience with this kinda thing I presume. So what do you think? Is it normal for me to question myself this much if I am just an actual trans woman? Am I actually just a fraud that fooled everyone and myself for nearly 4 years and counting? Do trans people even exist or is it all just confused people? Tell me I'll never pass. Does estrogen do anything or is it just a placebo? Did I placebo d cups? Should I stop boymoding or should I just double down and go back to being a man? Hahaha hiiii I'm losing it

Good afternoon, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post—but I'd like to ask you about something. I’m FTM, and I’m constantly worried about what would happen if I suddenly changed my mind. It’s not like I’ve had any trauma related to my gender. Where I grew up, girls were mostly in charge, and I learned online around age 12 that women are actually oppressed. But even then, I preferred playing with boys. I haven’t been subjected to sexual abuse either (again, I found out what a naked man looked like online when I was 12), and I’ve had a pretty good life. I realized something was wrong with me when I was 13, when I started envying guys because of how they looked. I dreamed of having a man’s body. I’d dream that I had facial hair, and I’d wake up feeling very happy, but when I realized it was just a dream, I’d be very disappointed. I also always felt uncomfortable with my breasts, and ever since I was a child, I’ve dreamed of having them removed (at the time, I didn’t know it was because I’m trans).

I’m 16 now. And I’m thinking more and more that I have my whole life ahead of me, and if I’m really just pretending, I want to figure that out now.

So here’s my question: did you have any signs that you were NOT transgender before you started de-transitioning? Maybe you felt strange? Or something else?

I hope you can help me.

Good afternoon, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post—but I'd like to ask you about something. I’m FTM, and I’m constantly worried about what would happen if I suddenly changed my mind. It’s not like I’ve had any trauma related to my gender. Where I grew up, girls were mostly in charge, and I learned online around age 12 that women are actually oppressed. But even then, I preferred playing with boys. I haven’t been subjected to sexual abuse either (again, I found out what a naked man looked like online when I was 12), and I’ve had a pretty good life. I realized something was wrong with me when I was 13, when I started envying guys because of how they looked. I dreamed of having a man’s body. I’d dream that I had facial hair, and I’d wake up feeling very happy, but when I realized it was just a dream, I’d be very disappointed. I also always felt uncomfortable with my breasts, and ever since I was a child, I’ve dreamed of having them removed (at the time, I didn’t know it was because I’m trans).

I’m 16 now. And I’m thinking more and more that I have my whole life ahead of me, and if I’m really just pretending, I want to figure that out now.

So here’s my question: did you have any signs that you were NOT transgender before you started de-transitioning? Maybe you felt strange? Or something else?

I hope you can help me.

7 months since my last T shot, though it's only the last 1-2 months I think my levels are closer to my pre-trans levels. My hips have gotten wider and my face shape is slowly changing, as is my voice (naturally, but greatly enhanced with training). My hair is grown out to just above shoulder length, and I've started tying up the top half in a kind of "man bun", even if my hairline is kinda receding. I'm still wearing baggy clothes and presenting with a flat chest. That is to say - totally am not presenting femininely in the slightest (guess I'm boymoding, ha).

Anyway, this Monday I went to a partner dance class, and (mostly) got read as a woman! Though, I think I also had some behavioral tells that compelled people in that direction. It was a group activity thing and I think some people were unsure at first, but once I responded to she/her without making a big deal I think people just assumed they got it right. Honestly it feels kinda weird, but not bad.

What did suck was that there was a lot of gender stereotypes flung around. It irritates me a LOT seeing how many people are so fine with perpetuating exaggerated claims of biological determinism. Being on the female side of experiencing that again, for the first time in years, really does highlight to me how much gendered expectations pretty much *feel* like grooming. So gross! But I can take all of it less personally now, knowing that whatever I do, it gets interpreted through other peoples' projections of gender on me, rather than any intrinsic quality about me.

When I was younger I was very much effeminate, especially with the whole "scene kid"/emo crowd stuff it felt like a slightly more socially acceptable way to be "out", sorta. I was close to getting on hormones, but my mother (thankfully) wouldn't let me do that since I was 16. But as I grew older, especially after high school, I started questioning who I am and what I want to be a LOT more. I used to consider myself a woman, but once I started aging and my masculine features started becoming more prominent I just felt like a freak looking into the mirror.

But now I look in the mirror and feel happy. Would be nice to still have my hair, but I'm smiling much more than I used to.

19m. Had gender thoughts my whole life but recently its been very bad so Ive been trying to imagine that these gender thoughts are just ocd (99% sure ive got this) and its working somewhat. But the main problem is that i have a feminine body for a guy so even things like going into the shower just makes them all start coming back and i was wondering if someone else has been through something similar and if they you have any tips. Ive been going to the gym, and trying to gain weight as im rather skinny for my height but nothing seems to fix having wide hips, slim waist and and a small ribcage and many other things. Other than like chest upwards you could mistake me for a girl, and i really dont know what to do about it. I dont really hate those things, but it does just annoy me how i cant just get in a shower and not constantly just think about it.

It feels impossible for all this to go away if non stop i just see a feminine body every where i go and i dont really wanna be trans because of everything i would lose from it. Ive seen first hand how trans people get treated and it scares me, i understand i most likely would be happier appearing as a girl (though i think it would be marginal), but i dont hate being a guy and i dont wanna give in to it. Im too much of a guy to even be a girl. It really scares me as i hate social situations already, and i feel like this would make it alot worse. I just wanna blend in as a guy, and if i was trans id really just wanna blend in with everyone. So appearing as a feminine guy wouldnt be for me.

But please any tips on this, its really annoying when something as simple as my own body can make me question if i should be trans. Theres many other triggers but i really want this one to go. Any questions please ask.

my doctor today recommended taking spironolactone for my facial hair i got from taking hrt. anyone have experience? thoughts and opinions? is it worth it?

I lowered my T dose massively (from 50mg gel a day to around 5mg a day) and ever since then I feel like absolute shit. I don’t want to be a man anymore and testosterone was causing impulsivity and anger issues but holy shit I’m so fatigued and depressed now every day. Incredibly emotional ever since I stopped. I can barely drag myself out of bed. I have struggled with chronic fatigue my whole life and testosterone basically cured it.

I lift 6x a week and even in the short time since I decreased my dose I feel much weaker and look less muscular, even though I’m lifting heavier. I have lost my motivation and drive. I know that the emotional crash is common after stopping testosterone but I’m struggling to cope with the fact that I will never look or feel the way I did ever again. I’m depressed by the limitations of the female body, and the fact that I’ll never be as strong as a man no matter how much I lift. I don’t even look like I work out anymore.

I was on T for 3 years, and I've now been off of T for about a year and a half. I've been silently detransitioning because I don't want all the "told you so" conversations. I also don't want the "are you sure?" conversations. I've been shaving, growing out my hair, wearing more feminine clothing. But at this point I'm not sure what gender I'm perceived as.

I'm having this dilemma because I'm in the process of studying Judaism, but the synagogue I've been attending remotely seats by gender. It's fine on Zoom, but when I eventually want to go in person, I don't want it to become a problem. Until this point, I really didn't care about my appearance, but I'm starting to learn more and more that how I'm perceived is very important in formal settings.

I honestly look very femme. T didn't do much for me in terms of fat redistribution. It lowered my voice, but not to an unmistakably male low. I have wide hips and I'm short. But I also have a mean 5 o clock shadow and a completely flat chest. I asked my surgeon to take off as much as he could instead of making it proportional to my body size, so it's undeniably flat.

I also lost over 100 lb over the last 2 years, and dropping weight has made me look much MUCH more masculine. When I was morbidly obese, I was always addressed with she/her. Now it's mostly "sir" or they/them. Never explicitly "he", but being called sir kind of tells me that I still must be very masc looking.

What should I do? I'm looking into laser treatment as well as doing research on color correcting the 5 o clock shadow with makeup. But I don't know what else to do. It's so funny that while I was trying to pass as male, I was fighting tooth and nail. Now I want to be seen as a woman and I'm fighting tooth nail for that lol.

I detransitioned 6 years ago after being 3 years on testosterone. Now I’m married and have a beautiful and healthy 2 month old. ❤️

Mods if this is the wrong sub I’m super sorry! I wasn’t sure where else to really ask about this.

So I’m ftm and I’ve known I wasn’t a girl since forever but I just feel like I’m wasting my life trying to be something I’ll never be. I can become identical to a cis man in every way yet still be trans and that’s something that’s not really talked about in the trans community—at least not in a way that makes it feel as heavy as it is. It feels pointless in the end. I feel so isolated no matter which crowd I’m part of and at this point I feel like it’d be easier to just detransition to have a semblance of community even if it’s not mine. I’m two years and some change on testosterone, my voice has deepened to a cis man’s range and I have full facial hair, dense body hair and everything about me reads male ish just never cis. Is there any hope to seen as cis if I detransition or am I damned regardless?

I'm exhausted of having to walk on eggshells when talking about my experience. I called my top surgery an (very unnecessary) butchering of my body and was told not to use that language, and that "women are allowed to get whatever procedure they want and if it didn't work for me, I'm an adult responsible for my decision"

These people, supposedly supporters of women's rights and supposely supporters of SA victims have no problem victim-shaming us.

I experienced SA and that rejection to my body was what made me believe living in a man's body would protect me. Medical "professionals", therapists were only inclined to support my transition and NEVER addressed any underlying issues. I got approved for top surgery after two sessions with a therapist that was recommended by the surgical team.

After the very painfully realization that I was acting from trauma, I get told to 1) Not use that sort of language to refer to my own experience; 2) That as an adult I am responsible for my actions.

Why is it that "personal responsibility" is only a burden we carry while any other victim is never responsible? Detran people and particularly women are victims of medical negligence. Professionals that swore to protect us and failed to do so catastrophically.

Why are we just collateral damage and trans people matter more? Why is so frowned upon to say that you should get therapy for at least a year before doctors approve hormones/surgery?

Why will people immediately guilt-trip you?

I sincerely don't understand. It is incredibly fucked up. The hostility is disgusting.

Those who went on T and were successful in repairing their singing voice and/or their falsetto, what are some training exercises and tips you used? How long did it take you? Are you happy with your singing voice now? Please describe everything, I'm currently working on repairing my voice so I'd like some company and advice.

Been off test for 9 months now since January. Started at 14 and stopped right before my 17th birthday (~2.6 years on).

I still feel manly and my voice is still too deep but It's gotten way better. Hair is still a bit short aswell but it will grow. I passed completely stealth as male since I was 14-15, partly bc I'm a manic gymgoer. My crazy acne also went away. Face shape has changed a bit (I believe it is still changing along with my body). I also lost around 10-15lbs off my upper body recently.

First pic is from around December when I started having my first thoughts of hopping off the test and the second pic is recent from last night.

I am a 31-year-old male and have never questioned my gender identity before.
I have a history of OCD-like intrusive thoughts, particularly around my sexual orientation. For the past couple of months, I was constantly questioning and checking whether I was straight or bisexual. I had started accepting that I might be bisexual when, around two weeks ago, intense thoughts about being transgender suddenly appeared.
What scares me is that these thoughts feel completely different from my previous OCD experiences. Instead of questioning whether I am trans, my mind seems convinced that I am a woman, and I am constantly trying to disprove it.
I have also started experiencing what feels like gender envy, gender dysphoria, and urges to cross-dress, none of which I remember experiencing before. Sometimes there even seems to be a desire to be a woman, which is extremely confusing because I have never felt this way in my life.
Another thing worth mentioning is that I have had a very poor dating and sexual life. I have struggled with relationships, intimacy and feeling desired by others. Sometimes I wonder whether imagining myself as a woman, and potentially being more desired or having a different sexual experience, has something to do with these feelings. I genuinely do not know whether this is connected or whether I am just trying to find an explanation.
These thoughts are present almost constantly from the moment I wake up. They feel incredibly real and believable, and the whole experience has been very distressing.
I have consulted a psychiatrist and am seeking treatment, but I am struggling to understand what is happening.
Has anyone experienced such a sudden and intense change in their feelings about gender, particularly alongside OCD, anxiety or dissatisfaction with their dating life? How did you eventually make sense of your experience?

Genuinely so fucking frustrating. Even if you choose to live as a cis woman and exclusively use she/her, if you have short hair, no makeup, and masculine/eccentric clothing, you're still called a "theyfab" now and mocked on the assumption that you're failing at passing as male. Like no, fuck off, I'm just a butch woman. I'm not trying to be a man anymore, I'm just not feminine and never have been.

I've never met anyone more sexist than AMAB trans people online and their orbiters. It's repulsive. If they're not attracted to you, they'll lambaste you for it, which, uh, is reminiscent of a certain other demographic