I’m an East Asian immigrant and a single mom. A few months ago, my 15-year-old daughter came out to me as transgender.

I’ve accepted her for who she is, and we have an appointment in a few weeks to discuss starting HRT.

But there’s another part of this that I’m really struggling with, and I wonder if any other parents have been through something similar.

I’ve lived in the US for over 20 years. I’ve been very active in my church and my immigrant community, and I’m pretty well known within that circle. Almost all of my friendships and social connections have come from this community.

And it’s a very conservative, very small world. In all these years, I honestly can’t remember a single conversation about someone in our community being LGBTQ.

Recently, some parents at my church even suggested that the church should be more vocal about what they consider “anti-Christian” gender identities.

So you can probably imagine what would happen if they found out about my daughter.

I know I may lose my church, my friends, and the community I’ve spent 20 years building my life around. And I’m prepared for that. I will choose my daughter, no question.

But God, it hurts.

If you grew up in the US outside an immigrant community, it might be hard to understand what an immigrant church means to us. It’s not just a place where you go on Sundays to worship. It’s where you speak your own language, eat the food you grew up with, share your struggles, and feel a little less homesick. It’s where people understand things about your life that you don’t even have to explain.

When you’re an immigrant, especially a single mom, that community can become your entire support system. It’s the closest thing you have to home.

And now I feel like I might lose all of it.

My daughter was born here. When I try to explain my fears, she just says she doesn’t care what people think and that she’ll be fine. I love her confidence, but I don’t think she fully understands how cruel people can be toward trans people, especially in religious communities. I’m terrified of putting her in a situation where she might be judged, rejected, or humiliated by people we’ve known for years.

I don’t even know if staying at our church is an option anymore.

And to make things harder, my own mental health has really suffered. My doctor recently diagnosed me with depression. I’m seeing a therapist every week, and that helps, but I’m still scared, sad, and honestly feeling very alone right now.

I don’t regret accepting my daughter. Not for a second. I want her to be happy, healthy, and alive. I want her to have a future where she can just be herself.

I just wish supporting her didn’t also mean potentially losing the only community I’ve had in this country for the past 20 years.

Has anyone here gone through something similar? Did you lose friends, family, or your religious community after your child came out? How did you cope? Were you able to find a new community where both you and your child felt welcome?

I’d really love to hear from other parents, especially immigrant parents who might understand this particular kind of loss.

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping to get a bit of advice from those who have been through this before.

My son (ftm trans, 12) came out to my wife and I two weeks ago. He has asked we use male pronouns and a new name which we have been very supportive of.

I seem to be having trouble with adapting to his new name and gendered pronouns, I would say so far I have got it right less than half the time despite trying to keep it in the forefront of my mind. To my son’s credit he is taking it all in his stride and doesn’t seem to stressed about it but I’d like to get it right before it does become an issue, if nothing else so he knows I respect his request.

Anyone with any tips or suggestions that helped get through this first phase?

I have also spoken to him about what a transition would look like in terms of a pathway, I have said I’d like him to receive some counselling just so he is armed with the right tools and knowledge to help him through his teenage years but everything else (officially changing gender, hormone therapy etc) I was going to leave with him if/when he wants to do these. Is this reasonable for him to be in control of his journey or should I be trying to be more proactively involved?

I don’t know any transgender people irl (small town person) so any advice and perspective is much appreciated.

EDIT: spelling in last paragraph