I would like to talk about what I went through about a year ago. I think I had the “luck” of coming across a person with psychopathy, and I want to share what interacting with such a creature was like, especially since I was lucky enough to escape with my life. At first, Monica seemed very okay, open and friendly, and she seemed like the opposite of what her physical appearance suggested. From the beginning, she talked to me a lot about the UK and tried to convince me to move there for work and because life there was so “cool.” She told me she could help me, that she could find opportunities for me, and that it would be a good chance for me. I refused several times because I was sceptical. After we became more “friends,” we decided to go on a girls’ mini-holiday for a few days. The first few days were relatively normal. At one point, however, after I continued refusing the idea of moving to the UK, her behaviour started to change and she seemed quite annoyed by my refusal. However, at times she just seemed grumpy/moody, and then she would behave normally again.

When we arrived at the hotel, things started to escalate very badly. During one night, she repeatedly woke me up, started arguments, insulted me and tried to provoke me. At one point, she told me that I had to die, that my life was not important and that I should stop breathing. At that point I wanted to call the police, but she calmed down and apologised, and it was a huge mistake that I did not call them, because about an hour later, I believe, I was already fighting for my life.

That entire night, this creature did not sleep. She stayed awake making this plan, or perhaps it had been planned beforehand. While I was sleeping, she put a pillow over my face, trying to suffocate me. I struggled a lot. It was useless. I do not know how long the pillow was over my face, but at one point I lost consciousness, after which I started struggling again. I am alive today because I had the brilliant idea to pretend that I was dead and stop moving. She put her hand on my stomach and tried to check my pulse (which she did not know how to do) to see whether I had died. Fortunately, she believed it. When she moved the pillow slightly away from my face, I took a deep breath and managed to put one hand next to my head. She started pressing down again with force, but I managed to get my second hand in as well and eventually managed to push the pillow away with my hands.

When I woke up sitting up, screaming, crying and gasping for air, she was already turned away from me in her bed and was pretending that I had woken her up and trying to convince me that I had had a nightmare. A pillow was next to my feet. When I tried to leave the room, she started pulling on my pyjamas, telling me to stay in bed and sleep. I told her I was going to the bathroom. It was dark, and when I turned on the bathroom light, she was already standing in front of the hotel-room door. She realised that I wanted to go to reception.

After that, complete chaos followed. I crawled on my stomach, pretended to be stupid, but it was useless. She still prevented me from leaving the room, pushed me and hit me with various objects, while I was physically barely functioning because of the shock and lack of oxygen. My phone was neither on the bedside table nor on the bed, so I could not call the police. I wanted to go out onto the balcony and shout for help, and she told me that if I went onto the balcony, I might fall. I fought desperately to get out of that room while she was laughing and seemed incredibly satisfied, as if she was enjoying herself. Eventually, I did what she wanted and went back to bed. At one point she gave my phone back to me and I tried to call 112. Then she came towards me again with the pillow, and I ended the call because I was afraid she would suffocate me again.

The thing is that, because of the shock, I had started talking to myself, saying something like, “She wants to kill you,” while she was laughing and asking me if I wanted to hit her because she would let me. It was a trap. I remained in shock, talking to myself and trembling in bed until I fell asleep. Unfortunately, after that night, because of the shock and lack of oxygen affecting the hippocampus (for those “smart” people who make ignorant comments and do not believe anything), I could only remember the fragment in which I was sitting up in bed, crying and screaming, the pain in my hands, the pillow next to my feet, and her turned away from me, saying that I had had a nightmare and telling me, “If you want to get to reception, you first have to get to the door, and if you are dead, you won’t get to the door.”

And this is where the part that, for me, is perhaps just as difficult to understand as what happened physically begins. While I was in that state, she was filming me (I found this out afterwards). She filmed even the moments when I was in shock and crying, and posted them in a group with a lot of people. I did not know at the time that I was being filmed, and I did not even have Snapchat to see what was being posted. Instead of the people who saw those images wondering why I was in such a state, what had happened, why I could not leave, or contacting the police, she created a story in which I was the problem, and they actually believed her. She said or suggested that I was unstable, on drugs, that I had mental-health problems and that I had not taken my medication. She presented herself as the victim. This made me realise how easily people’s perception can be manipulated. You can be in a room, frightened, crying, in shock and unable to leave, and if the person who is attacking you is the one filming you and telling the first version of the story, suddenly you can end up being seen as the “crazy,” “drugged” or dangerous person.

She, on the other hand, behaved extremely calmly and kindly that day, as if nothing had happened. Her behaviour made me doubt my own memories and wonder whether perhaps it really had been a nightmare. Nevertheless, I went to the hotel reception and the receptionist told me that I had probably been dreaming and suggested that I should not call the police. She told me she would try to find another room for me. I was told that another room would be available that evening and that someone would come to get me. I went back to the room and got into the shower, but nobody contacted me or came to get me.

While I was in the bathroom, I heard someone knocking on the door and asked her whether it was her knocking or whether someone had come. She asked me if I had finished in the bathroom, and I told her no. It was only at check-out that the hotel employee tried to explain to me in English that they had been waiting for me downstairs and did not understand why I had refused the new room. M. constantly talked over both of us in Romanian, saying things completely unrelated to the conversation, and made communication very difficult. Later, in the UK, she admitted to me that the hotel staff had come to the door while I was in the shower and had asked her to tell me to come downstairs because they were waiting to offer me another room. She told me, laughing, that she had told them I had refused the room.

For me, this is a very clear example of how a victim can be isolated. I had asked for help, the hotel had tried to move me to another room, but the information never reached me and I remained in the same room with her.

After we returned to the UK, I found out even more about the material that had been filmed and posted. M. had taken photographs and recordings without my consent, including during extremely private and vulnerable moments, when I was changing or in the bathroom. She later showed me material from Snapchat on her phone, including private images of me and comments from other people. She posted video and audio conversations with me, but only fragments of what she had been talking about with me, editing them in a way that changed the context and portrayed me negatively. She sent them to various people, in groups, on public stories and on Spotlight.

She also recorded my voice, and at one point she even used my singing voice, presenting it as if she were the one singing. She presented herself using my job and other achievements and things related to my life and my identity, but which she had taken for herself in front of her Snapchat audience.

Another important thing is that she did not simply record conversations. Sometimes she would start and stop the recording in order to keep only the questions and answers that suited her, from different contexts. She selected fragments from conversations, removed the context and rewrote a new reality to use against me and intimidate me. At the same time, she denied things she had said or done and changed her story very quickly whenever another person appeared. She had this ability to instantly change her behaviour, and whenever someone else appeared and I tried to ask for help or react and defend myself against her disgusting behaviour, she immediately became the “victim,” started screaming, shouting and asking for help.

During an argument in the kitchen, after she told me that she had lied to the reception staff that I had refused the room they offered me, and admitted that she had told them not to pay attention to me if I complained because I was “on pills and had health problems,” she suddenly opened the window and started shouting, “Help, help!” I went to the window and told the people outside that what she was trying to suggest had not happened. While I was trying to stop what I considered to be a staged scene, she pulled out a knife and intimidated me, holding it very close to me and demanding that I answer “yes” to her questions. At the same time, she continued shouting out of the window so that people would believe that she was the one in danger. Afterwards, she laughed in front of me and told me to call the police if I dared.

I had managed to make 2–3 recordings in which she admitted what she had done and laughed that people believed what she said, and she attacked me to delete them because nobody was supposed to find out what had happened and people were supposed to believe only her version, which she had constructed against me.

When I wanted to leave, she took the apartment keys and locked herself in the bedroom, preventing me from getting out. At the same time, she was calling other people and presenting herself as the victim, saying that I was banging on her door. When her best friend, Alexandra, told her to let me go, especially if I did not remember “what happened that night,” her response was: “Yes, why should I let her go? Are you her friend or mine? Fuck her, let her die there, because she has nothing to eat or drink anyway and she can barely stand.”

And to a guy who was very brainwashed and whom I had verbally asked for help, she herself told him that she had locked me in the house, while his concern was for her to send him all the material so that he could continue to discredit me. When I tried to bang on the apartment door and ask for help, she laughed from the bedroom and told me that I could scream as much as I wanted because there was no neighbour next to her and nobody would hear me.

Eventually I managed to get out, saying that a friend was coming to pick me up, and I ordered an Uber, but she followed me outside, pulled me by my clothes and arm and tried to convince me to go with her. When I tried to call the police, my mother or other people and record what was happening, she tried to take my phone or stop my calls. Then, in front of people on the street, she started screaming and behaving as if she were the victim. I was asking for help, while she was telling people that my phone and wallet belonged to her. People were confused. But once again, she controlled the story.

I was asking them for help, while she was giving them a completely different version of the situation.

In all that chaos, nobody helped me. She continued laughing and telling me that nobody believed me and that nobody would help me.

That is why I want to talk about what happened to me. Not only about the assault itself, but about how easily people can be manipulated and fooled. How easily people can be brainwashed and how much they seem to enjoy participating in something like that.

I ended up in a situation where I could have died.

I want people to understand how dangerous it is to judge a situation only by the story told by the person who controls the images and information. Because, in my case, the story that reached other people was completely different from what was actually happening. And they chose to believe her version. And I think that if things had gone a little further that night, while hundreds of people were watching as if it were a movie on Snapchat, perhaps today I would no longer have the possibility to tell this story.

The conclusion of my story: there are aggressors with very well-constructed appearances, calm, calculated, always one step ahead, who create incredible chaos so that the situation remains completely under their control, who attack behind closed doors and at night, who play the victim incredibly well so that they can isolate the real victim from the credibility and help of the people around them, who do not let you get away with evidence, who know how to isolate a victim very well, even when she asks for help, who know how to brainwash an audience very well and distort objective reality. And that is how anyone can do anything to you, anywhere…

All I can hope is that those girls she brought to the UK for work managed to escape like I did and are safe… because in their case too, she was selling a different version to “mutual friends” (that they had run off after men, that they were completely worthless, etc.) who were asking on the phone what was known about them because, since they had arrived in the UK, they could no longer get hold of them by phone in any way.

Take care of yourselves, because PTSD is horrible, both physically and psychologically…

basically i was groped by one of the male patients there and nothing was done about it and my dad was the one who brought me to that hospital with full knowledge that this could have happened. i am mentally and physically weaker than when i first entered that place with a deep distrust of their kind even more . i am traumatized beyond belief . please guys if you ever struggle with mental help request to be in a woman’s only ward so you dont go through what i did …

My mom did not teach me how to be a adult

I know the gist of how to pay a bill

But i was never taught to cross the street

She didn't let me practice how to drive

So I can't drive and they showed me roughly how to cook and said if you dont know hpw to cook your husband would beat you so i didn't try to cook for them cause of that judgement and the fact my dad would micromanage if I tried to cook they would put me down in every way educational even tho I had lessons it was the wrong lesson for my needed so I never learned right and when it came time for exams due to all the other mental health issues I had from other traumas I went through with them that they refused to get me help For even tho it was free

I couldnt do the exam cause I was to sick and dropped out went on disability that doesn't pay much and they rub it in my face every time I get anything for my self its you have so much more than us help out do this your lazy we have to work hard when you dont then anytime I want to go anywhere she stops me depending on how kind I am to her i also wasnt a out side child due to terrible neighbour's and was bullied all through so school so I had no friends

That stayed they also refused to get us diagnosed right

A direct account of the FINANCIAL ABUSE I endured, told through the testimony of my abuser:

Q. Okay. So Jessica –

A. Jessica.

Q. – withdrew approximately how much?

A. Whatever I put in there. Like, I would put – I don’t – I don’t know the exact amount that I would put in there monthly, but it was to cover all the – all the bills, the mortgage, and for her to have money.

Q. Okay. So at – at the time of February – prior to February of 2024, you would deposit your paycheck into which account?

A. So it started, like, it was in the joint account for a while until – I don’t recall, like, the exact time I opened a separate checking account, and I put it in there.

Q. And why did you do that?

A. Because I learned that Jessica was basically siphoning money out of the account.

Q. And was that in 2023?

A. Yes.

Q. And how did you learn that she was take – taking money from the account without your knowledge?

A. She showed me – showed me about $3,000 in cash that she had at her parents’ house.

Q. Okay. And is that the middle to end of 2023?

A. Yes.

Q. So once you started depositing it into an account in your name, you would do a monthly transfer?

A. That’s correct.

Q. And that monthly transfer was to cover what?

A. All the bills, the mortgage, and for Jessica and the kids to have money.

—-

Because I was seen with money in my possession at my parent’s house, per my abuser’s account – NOT that it was known to be my money, NOT that I admitted or claimed it to be my money, NOT that there was a discussion had about me “siphoning” money from our marital bank account, NOT that this “$3,000” cash was knowingly, corroborated, or proven to be mine or to come from any bank withdraws – but instead and only because I was seen with cash during ONE alleged event, my (then) spouse testified this was enough justification for him to withhold our marital funds from me.

The logic behind the reason for the financial abuse is because my alleged temporary physical possession of handling cash meant that I was stealing, essentially, what he deemed as solely his money.

As such, my abuser then literally and admittedly stole ALL the incoming money, kept it from me, and then gave me whatever amount of marital funds – or “allowance” – he saw fit.

There was not a set monthly amount provided. The amount was whatever he determined and was constantly fluctuating month-to-month, always dependent on how well I “behaved” the month prior.

According to his testimony, what financial means that he did provide to the marital account was meant for me to care for myself, our 2 children, and only after I paid all the household bills.

Meanwhile, all the rest of the monthly income sat in and accumulated in his own secret account; while simultaneously, and conveniently omitted from his testimony, he ALSO utilized the joint marital account funds to purchase his every day items, such as fast food for himself and his nightly beer.

What did he do with the money compiling into his (at the time of 2023) secret account? Withdraw lump sums in cash regularly, daily even, that has still never been traced to where it went or what it was spent on.

When applying his own definition, he was literally “siphoning” money.

More importantly and yet again conveniently omitted from his testimony, my abuser had been opening secret accounts, moving and hiding money, and doing exactly as he described in his own testimony, for all of our marriage.

This behavior began, at least that I am aware of, in Dec 2019 and as advised to do by his mother.

From 2020 to 2023 alone, he had opened 8 banking accounts – again, these are only the ones that I am aware of – with the 2023 account he referenced in his testimony being the most recent.

These are all patterns of abusive behavior.

This is a pattern of financial abuse.

—-

Now, rereading the statements by his counsel:

“…taking money without YOUR KNOWLEDGE”

“…YOUR PAYCHECK into which account..”

There are significant contradictions in these questions / phrases when paired with the testimony and narrative being written.

This language was not accidental. It was purposeful and doing something very manipulative. The language and phrases used were assigning his admitted financial abuse – the very actions he was accusing me of doing – as justifiable by assigning him ownership of all our income.

The formulating of these questions were to erase myself as having any equality in the marriage. It was done to diminish my contribution to our family and our finances.

The language used by his counsel was meant to delete me as a spouse, a mother, a provider, a caretaker of our children, and more importantly as a human being.

And in Clinton County Courts (Ohio), it worked.

The language his counsel used was the exact same language my abuser used each time I uncovered a new hidden banking account or questioned him as to why our account was suddenly depleted.

—-

This is only one example of financial abuse.

This is only one of many reasons victims do not leave their abusers.

This is what domestic violence looks like.

This is why we need to advocate for survivors, demand reform and change within our systems, and spread awareness and education.

Please share or upvote this post. You never know who it may help or who will motivate to advocate for change.

I was by my father and stepmother growing up and they have a very successful business when a lot of it is from stuff related to me and my siblings they rent 2 tiny homes as a bnb when they were built so they didnt have to see us or people know we exist and so much more the people who support them don’t know what they did to their children when me and my siblings are left to pick up the pieces with scar’s from them while I still get hate cards from their relatives and I’m just hurt knowing I might never get the justice we deserved cause the system failed me and my siblings

My mental health, my new family, my self esteem, my optimism and sense of trust in anything, my freedom to be open minded about certain things, potential friends I could have made in the past, they ruined my first relationship, they ruined sex and love for me, they took me away from my actual family physically, they broke my brain and it can’t be undone

Their family was on my side at first, they said they’d support me when I got a protection order, I thought they’d stay my family too, my friends, my abuser moved me over here because they couldn’t be too far away from their family, I offered a compromise as moving in the middle of both our families and they said no, so I moved away from my family and their family became mine, I moved away from everyone I knew, they didn’t let me make friends while we were together, by hurting themself or freaking out when I tried, they isolated me, and their family became my family and the only ones I had, the only ones safe enough to be close with, I felt like they had become my family too, they even told me they’d support me after everything I told them about my abuser, they acted like they understood and cared about me, they treated me like family and I trusted them, they even invited me to holidays when my abuser wasn’t there while I was in the process of getting the protection order, but then as soon as I get it they turn their back on me, say that I’m getting it because I can’t control \\\\\\\*myself\\\\\\\* to not reach out to them, which just isn’t true at all because I could reach out to them even with the protection order if I wanted to, that made me so mad, it’s like they completely forgot all the horrible things my abuser had done to me, they pretended like they cared, like they understood what my abuser had put me through

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness and being with my abusers family was the first taste of freedom I got, the first taste of celebrating holidays with a family, with my very own family, as soon as the protection order got served they did a 180, they stopped talking to me, they victim blamed me, they abandoned me, and now I’m all alone, in this town far away from my family, I’m having a hard time making friends because there’s so many bad ppl out there it’s hard to make good friends and everytime I run into one of the bad ones I just get hurt all over again, today my roommates went pumpkin carving at their house, I wasn’t invited this time, I don’t get to have a family I can celebrate holidays with anymore, it was so hard watching my roommates come back with their pumpkins knowing where they’d been, remembering the times I was welcome to join, and now I just have nothing, why am I the one who gets punished for protecting myself? Haven’t I been punished enough? This person literally gave me PTSD, and abused me for years, why do they just get to get away with that and move on while I can’t? It’s not fair, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have a family who loves me and wants me and will let me experience what a normal family is like, I’m so sad tonight, I can’t stop crying, this hurts so much, I did the right thing and I lost everything, staying would have killed me, it almost did, but I traded it for every other relationship I had, my new family, and now what’s left? Just more pain while I search for someone who’s actually a good person, trial and error, more trauma, all while I have to watch everyone move on without me like I didn’t ever matter

Recently divorced out of an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. Got into a new relationship and at first he was perfect, but after a few weeks things changed. He’s mean, narcissistic, manipulative, gaslights me, calls me names, blames me for everything. He’s downright nasty to me if I upset him. And now I am 8 days late for my period, all the tests I’ve taken have been negative but what if? I’m a Christian, I don’t think abortions are okay but I have 4 kids from marriage already, my pregnancies are brutal. I would be doing it alone and what’s worse is I don’t feel that I could ever tell him. Not with the way that he is. And it sucks bc I really did like him til he turned mean. What do I do? How did I screw this up so badly? I feel like a train wreck and I have no friends. I’m so scared. I can see exactly where I went wrong and I feel so stupid for having fallen for his lies. What’s wrong with me that I keep attracting these types of people??

I am reaching out because I am in urgent, desperate need of advice and practical aid to finally escape an escalating domestic abuse situation. I have reached my absolute breaking point and need to get out safely. The Core Situation & History: * How it started: We entered a relationship between April and July of 2018. I disclosed my full medical and mental health history upfront; he accepted it and wanted to move forward. He was out of work for years due to medical issues, but got cleared and started working in the spring of 2019. * The shift (2020-2022): COVID hit and he changed drastically. He became irate, controlling, and hyper-focused on punishing my daughter (who was a middle schooler/high schooler at the time). In 2022, he quit his job while I was already drowning in 60 to 80-hour work weeks and dealing with severe workplace harassment. Unbeknownst to me, he drained our money, set up cameras everywhere, and started using drugs and heavily hoarding. * Escalating abuse: He started isolating me, lying constantly, and screaming at me over everything. When his father and brother tragically passed away consecutively, I stood by him, handled the legal/funeral burdens, and spent my savings trying to help him. Meanwhile, his drug use worsened, he secretly went on dating sites, and he accused me of cheating and stealing. * Physical violence: The abuse crossed the line into physical violence. He has lunged at me, corner-trapped me room-to-room, and choked me in the bathroom (which a utility worker unfortunately witnessed, leading to his arrest at the time). Recently, he has nearly dislocated my shoulder and left bruises on my neck. Local victim advocacy has turned me away because I fought back defensively just to get out of corners. The Current Roadblock / "Hiccup": I am ready to leave for good to go stay with my family (my dad and daughter), but I am trapped right now by a few final hurdles: * The Vehicle: My van's struts broke right after I returned from visiting family. I have zero cash for gas or the labor/parts to fix the struts, meaning I cannot safely drive myself and my four cats out of here. * Eviction: Every bill is overdue, and lot rent is past due with eviction proceedings starting at the end of the month. * Control and Hoarding: The house is completely packed with his hoarded junk and cameras. He refuses to leave, and I cannot safely coordinate a GoFundMe because he monitors everything. I have a job lined up for when I get to my new city and state,but I cannot wait until then living under threat of physical harm and eviction. I just need to get these struts fixed, get gas in my van, pack my cats, and get across the finish line to safety. If anyone has advice, mutual aid resources, or knows how I can bridge this final gap to get my van fixed and get out, please let me know. Thank you.

My father told me as a child around 10 that my mother was not having sex with him. He also bought me secret gifts and did not buy my sister any. He wanted me to live with him not my sister. Although, there wasn’t anything I can remember being sexual about the two latter.

TW: physical abuse

I recently came across the term waterboarding, is not a word that I've heard before since I'm not a native English speaker, but after looking it up and reading on some experiences for other abuse survivors I am now presented with the question if this is what happened to me. If you don't know what waterboarding is I wouldn't advice looking it up, I'm more looking into people that already know, but to put it simply TW is a torture method in which a person is held down and poured water on their face, though it can vary the overall objective is to give a certain sensation of drowning / not being able to breathe.

Anyways, when I was a child I endured constant abuse from my mother's part, but disguised enough that nobody noticed and not even I was able to identify it as such until I had the help of a therapist and later on a psychiatrist. Most was emotional and psychological but there was also some forms of physical abuse.

One that i was able to unlock during therapy (I have lost most of my childhood memories due to trauma) was the fact that, every single time I would cry, whine or just be upset as a child, my mother would grab me by the hair and drag me to the shower, clothes and all, and force me to stand under the ice-cold water still holding into my hair until I stopped crying. Eventually she switched to putting my face on the bidet and turning it on, the stream of water hitting my face making it difficult to breathe and therefore cry. This change was because she no longer wanted to deal with having to dry me up and change my wet clothes.

I know she did this for years but I don't know when it stopped... I understood her logic of cold water = struggle breathing = stops my cries. But now I also wonder if the fact that the water would hit my face and make it hard to grasp for air was also intentional...

Does this sound like waterboarding to you?

I do not need to label my experience, but I've realized that putting names into the things I went through and finding other people with similar experiences rlly,, helps,,, process it all. Thanks :]

I left my abuser six month ago. I was able to move in with my parents but couldn't Take my cat with me because of the severe cat allergy of my father. I didn't want to leave my cat with my ex because I was afraid that he could harm him. I was able to find a new family for my cat. I already knew them, they are extended family. I can visit him, he has lots of space and gets treated like a little king.

But I still feel awful for putting him through everything. I feel awful for not being a better cat mom and having to rehome him.

Ok here we go the horror movie begins now:

Let me unpack what happened this week and especially yesterday morning…

As for his shockingly evil wicked and vile (potentially even fatal temper tantrum he was throwing yesterday morning because HES the stupid one. How about have a cup of coffee to wake up not wind up your fist to me you disgusting hateful evil stranger?

I want to tell you what led up to the physical abuse I endured yesterday and some more subtly red flags that let’s be honest were pretty clear as day. Think I probably just gave up on even looking for flags after leaving my husband because I had his style of manipulation clocked. No ma’am. I feel like we all have more red flags to paint green than green to even find lol. In my case, if you have CPTSD and a TBI you’re color blind you just want to feel like everything will be ok. When my bf did that to me yesterday I knew it never could be again.

1. Grandiose sense of self and accomplishments (almost instantly but i was attracted to his confidence and drive because of this) - when you compliment him genuinely he always responds with well yeah im the fucking best and ‘jokingly’ flexes. A lot. He is dysmorphic through and through and his favorite activity is projection. So he comments on how I need to go to the gym, quit eating certain foods, eat at certain times. It’s got into the point where if I want to indulge once a month on Taco Bell I get judged you know? Mind you all, I’m very underweight because of this. It’s been 1.5 yrs of working on MYSELF over HIS mistakes. Insane work. Bravo sir.
2. Boyfriend has 5 years sober goes to AA meetings to sponsors a good amount of men to tell them what to do to get better, but hypocritically doesn’t call

his own sponsor

1. or do

his own

1. step work at all. Not judging

the sponsor

1. decision, but he does have a female sponsor who probably co-signs his shit. No proof of that just speculating. Shit like this interferes with my recovery

   too -

2. he’s everywhere. I’m in Costa Mesa but I’m considering going and staying in Texas w my brother.

3. Telling me I’m not healing fast enough or eating enough or exercising enough and I was working my ass off so that I could be distracted after I found out my grandma died and he manipulated me I eventually decided to file my divorce papers for other reasons unrelated to him. But he sought me out to break my marriage up so he can win me he knew my marriage was on the rocks when I told him then it started when I was moving out At a work coffee meeting knowing I was married he said “damn you’re hot as hell girl”. These are the memories that I loved because the compliment

was

1. the attention and flattery that my husband didn’t give. So it felt really nice and

if I’m being honest with myself:

1. I’m addicted to feeling nice.

   I mean I’m a recovering heroin addict I know how to be obsessed quickly. Sue me.

2. I feel like was like obsessed with that pursuit from him almost since my husband at the time didn’t even sit on the couch to watch tv with me. Would eat in separate rooms. For

five

1. years.
2. Avoids bonding and dreams and future. I lost my good guy radar in the ocean

way

1. back when apparently

…

1. Getting really mad at my dog (sweet Italian greyhound) when he barely walks

her to begin with

1. , so when she has an accident in the house tells me she has to go when she’s been my only emotional support for 6 years.

   She also seems more nervous around him now which makes me wonder if he abuses her when I’m gone.

2. Never seems to pull out his blue plastic debit card since my inheritance from my grandma hit

   (no I didn’t share it it’s protected I have a brain cell left)

3. . He seems to want to repair the second he realizes I’m not contributing anything

financially to his life

1. anymore and not living

with

1. him. He’s screwed we were supposed to sign a new lease on Tuesday. So I’m out and I’m homeless kinda now.

   And so is he which may be dangerous for me honestly so I’m going to Texas today.

2. I’m convinced now he used sexual coercion and

intentionally

1. impregnated me he wouldn’t pull out when I asked. He kept making jokes for a few months about giving me a baby let me put a baby in you tell me you want my baby (all during sex so thought it was a new link idk lol), but my fuck ass moron brain cell I still possess

1. gave him another chance if he

adhered

1. to boundaries I laid out in a written agreement like his fucking mother I hate him for putting me in that position.

This

1. was

NOT

1. r\pe*

   on my personal scale of sexual abuse

2. , but didn’t want to give a no to sex so he can realize what he could lose as well.

It’s twisted sexually with us.

1. We both play the game and I don’t like who I am when I do.

2. He started a fight asking what I’m doing in the morning when I was sleeping at his apartment, and he never kicks me out early

   or asks my plans with a bunch of follow up questions. I knew something weird was up that day for the first time. He was trying to get rid of me I just didn’t know why

3. . (Edit: sleep depravation abuse came across my mind. He used to fight me at 11 pm send me home pregnant in the rain to the hood.

)

1. Look up north Long Beach at midnight then you’ll understand only a true psycho or sociopath could do it. This was like a year or so into our relationship.

   He also used to pick fights while I was doing something important for work or had a big meeting that day. At that point I clocked his liar patterns. Didn’t think he’d ever attack me still.

Well, come to find out he is visiting his ex-girlfriend in mental health intensive residential treatment. And it’s prompted me to truly believe he fucked her up too, and that’s why she’s even in there, because guess who she called to help her? None other than the fucking abuser. Textbook. He fought me enough that morning in order to get me to want to go home so he could behind my back go to visit her 2 hrs away and I had to find out from someone else. But when I confronted him he didn’t lie. So once again I was like ok humans are animals but I love this younger untrained one. At least he didn’t lie when asked right? Yeah right LMFAO he was NEVER going to tell me about that visit with her. Also found out she lives right down the street from his sister and he sees his “sister” quite a bit.

One time I was watching his new puppy so he could golf and he said so sorry have a work meeting then I find out he’s at the gym with his friend that people actually speculate he’s bi or gay kind of interested in men. I’m not judging but I believe that his molestation at 9 yrs old developed a sex addiction and when I told him he needs to chill on it he was not even listening to words of mine he was texting. Curse me for saying this but after everything, I don’t even think anything happened to him when he was young. He was playing on my empathy.

1. We had plans for dinner or movies on multiple occasions and he would be like sorry dinner w friends ran late or sorry we are still golfing but I’d be the one to ask if plans changed for him because I was so conditioned to being pushed back or aside. He even used to tell me it gives him anxiety sometimes when I’m at his house and he has work to do he feels obligated to be home with me. Like ok? Personal effing problem my guy I’ve never barred him from going anywhere. Also, he would go to a course like an hr away and not tell me those drive time estimates so I can plan what I’m making us for dinner for f’s sake. I had hair and makeup done I felt like a prom girl with no date. That’s when my suspicions started. I felt it in my gut. But I thought oh he’s only 28 it’s anger issues and therapy.

Until…

We were casually doing a daily bicker it was an apartment deposit so we BOTH aren’t homeless. So I asked for the security deposit. He still didn’t have a concrete number and he’s the only one speaking to leasing so I called my damn self and said a murderer lives in this complex take me off all correspondence good luck

Back in the day I was so fascinated by how a serial killers mind works. So I went to visit Robert Durst in LA jail (Twin Towers to be exact), and he shockingly agreed to sit down with me (he was in jail not on trial yet), so he tried telling me his smooth story hoping I’d tell the world he’s innocent I imagine, and once I asked where the girls he kidnapped are, he got aggressive, he turned into a literal reptilian great white shark eyed monster. Bone chilling for real.

Well folks, my sweet, loving, sobriety preaching boyfriend channeled his inner Robert Durst to fuel up on his overwhelming lack of remorse, and eventually channeled into The Beast from the movie Split when he went on to scare the living daylights out of me on the morning of Tuesday October 20, 2026:

——-

PART TWO

Fast forward to yesterday when I haven’t even had a single sip of caffeine to deal with this boy in general yet - we got in a money argument over MY money paying for OUR new place. He tells me get the fuck out I have attitude I was crying and apologizing and he yelled from the kitchen “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” (I’m on lease idiot).

We lost our baby at 9.5 weeks due to a failing heartbeat gradually but it finally prompted my miscarriage sept 30th. He played the role of stand up guy and even stroked my hair and hugged me and we were actually in a fight that morning he dropped everything to help me (bare minimum? Like can someone shake me lol - oh wait HE DID). He was so nice to me during pregnancy. Beyond. He also I believe sexually coerced and manipulated me with trying to impregnate me. He had a lot of rules for my life style for “his child” and I kept ignoring it but it was data that he’s becoming controlling over my CHOICES with my own body. He even cried when he saw in ultrasound that we lost the baby. When I was 2 days out of hospital he tried to have sex even after I had a crime scene and horrible cramps I took the pill AFTER a natural miscarriage.

Family planning came to a dead stop. We were still going to move in together in 5 days. He cared for like a month and now he’s back to be a dick again doesn’t care about me or miscarriage if I had to put money on it: he’s relieved.

——-

THE HORRIFYING MOMENT:

Keep in mind…

This is a horrific question to ask, but is it common for victims to be relieved they’re not carrying the baby of their abuser anymore? I feel like I’d birth the next Boston strangler lol.

Once I “forgave him” for screwing my friend behind my back, I told him I’m fully using him for sex the past three days since he got to do what he did. He does not get to use weird exhaustion cards to get out of sex then save it for someone else. For all I know he could’ve slept w her 100 times even same day as me occasionally I’m sure. I’m getting an STD test today. I told him if he fucked up my fertility with something he’s dragged through the mud forever.

If I didn’t have a college psych education on complete psycho/sociopath traits I would’ve fought back. Absolutely i would. And with this level of aggressiveness from him, would probably be wailed on in my face or worse become a vegetable.

I wanted to die instead of feel the pain from his punch. He’d break my jaw in one shot. Or worse stay in his rage blackout and kill me even on accident.

——

Justifications:

1. We got so excited for a baby he even joined appointments and didn’t try to monitor them so I thought ok he can’t really be THAT abusive. Just an idiot 28 yr old finding his way to his developed frontal lobe lmao.

2. Scolds me or shames me for not eating a lot that day when he’s the one taking way my appetite daily.

3. He’s called me insane, crazy bitch, stupid bitch, you’re a retard, triggered from all your trauma, “trauma trauma trauma” and more recently: piece of shit and you’re a lame.

4. Would make comments about my ass getting smaller when I literally can’t even chew food the past few months because of him. I wanted him, but I don’t need him. I work harder and make more money, and have my future secured from my inheritance it’s invested he can BUZZ RIGHT OFF that’s all mine and in protected account. It was apparent that financial abuse was on the horizon as well. I think he thinks I’m a millionaire which is so funny. Idiot.

——

The top three things he’s sent after what he did that hurt the most:

1. When I asked him to own it even verbally to keep it between us while I scream at him what an abusive dangerous pile he is and that his reputation in our work is on him now not me. He did this. But oh guess he didn’t because…. IMMA NEED MY RADICAL FEMINISTS ON THIS ONE: He said IN A TEXT FOREVER - “I didn’t abuse you that’s lies”

2. “You’re a lame” - recent argument text after I exited the house quietly and he BADGERS ME HOW I GET SO ACTIVATED ITS YOU HOLY F YOU PILE.

3 “This has been all around toxic and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Please I need your items out of the house.” (Note on this: I helped him get into his apartment he needs someone to co-sign and show that there was enough money I also helped him w cheap deposit. It’s been six months not one dollar back to me but paying for side chick dinners while I’m crying in bed alone for week thinking I’m going to be a single mom during the first week I told him I was pregnant). I’m also on the lease? and he changed the door code on me telling me he doesn’t feel comfortable I’m being hostile. He’s so beyond twisted that’s why I’m nervous.

Once I found out he went on a date while I was pregnant i deemed him repulsive to me for the rest of eternity. I’ve caught a cheater too many times. I don’t go through phones and all that I know I’ll just hurt my own feelings. I took my iPad back and not even one second into my car he signed out of iMessage on it. Too bad I already know more than he knows I know.

Like a dumbass I wrote a contract of boundaries he cannot break even once if I were to stick to the two bedroom apartment move in we had scheduled days after he attacked me. I didn’t want to live alone and pay 1k more a month because of his actions, so I said we can stay in different bedrooms and reassess in 90 days and he agrees. . Well too bad there wasn’t anything in there about PHYSICAL ABUSE because I still can’t believe what happened was real or him. But it was. He had reptile eyes. Only ever seen that when I interviewed the famous serial killer Robert Durst from the Jinx. Excellent doc on HBO lol. Anyway, after he cheated on me he seemed to be activated made therapy appt just the intake I don’t think he even did that lol. Seeking out surface level depression and anxiety help on headspace good one. He was supposed to have a session yesterday for the cheating. Raise your hand if you think he followed through 😂😂😂

After he cheated I was understanding because I did it once too and I know I’m just a cloudy minded defeated idiot who should’ve known. But I kept painting those red fags green like I have since before Christ, wrote the boundaries doc he agreed to it and I agreed to live in a separate bedroom for 90 days. He was not happy about that part specifically.

——-

I blocked the evil freak on everything.

I’ve already been stalked before and it was by a sociopathic man 15 yrs older than me.

The Dramatic Ending

I may not have known how to ever predict what happens next:

I went to get up to leave the apartment I signed a lease on as well homie - showed 8k so he could get the fucking place. So I got up QUIETLY because I couldn’t control making him feel bad for all the cheating I found out about while carrying them miscarrying his child. Alone. Adult in me doesn’t get scared just fyi. I was a hard hardcore opiate addict I’ve seen violence but I’ve never looked evil in the eye of a person with harming me on his agenda for the morning of a work day for him. So now that I’ve painted the picture… here’s what he did to the person he said would give me another baby asap after losing mine. Holding me brushing my hair as I weeped kissing my forehead wiping my tears this boy was everything to me. Not calling him man (almost done sorry):

So seeing him and what he can be capable of yesterday morning helps me grieve this faster. I’ll probably need to go to inpatient trauma treatment I can’t get the image of him charging me out of my head*.*

He was red in the face and quite literally making grunting sounds. And then he charged at me full force from across the room. It freaks me out to even think about this again but when he was charging at me like a foreign species of sociopathic bulls, he threw his whatever he had at the wall AS he was charging not a few seconds prior with a pause. He was trucking at me with the intent to violently annihilate me. He held his arm back almost punched me in the jaw which would have broken instantly so instead he stopped looked me in eye, contemplated his next move (strategic mother fucker too bad I earned from a way better socio in my 20s this gaslighting is nothing but the physical is terrifying.

And he’s sooooo much stronger than me I just let him do it I closed my eyes and screamed when he threw me and he came toward me with his arm back he was gunna punch me in the face but decided to forcefully take one of each hand one each of my shoulders shake me like a effing martini and ragdoll me onto the hardwood instead.

Truthfully*? After all my heartbreak after the miscarriage with Satan,* unfortunately I believe now that that baby was like an Edward Cullen spawn and I’m happy it’s out of me. But how tragic when I speak to her every night before I close my eyes? He made me want to be a mom for the first time ever. So thanks man I guess. He ruined that love for me and it’s going to take a lot of deep work to even speak to a man via email ever again at this point… 😂

Don’t worry. I told him he was dust in the wind in my life now but not my life because nowhere near my oxygen thank you.

This new guy knows where I live so I’m going out of state to see my brother for a while. My EX boyfriend has quite a few guns they’re legal and cops didn’t help me after 6 hrs of waiting on them so I left bawling understanding finally what it’s like to not be believed. Even by friends. I’m so sorry to all the women in here. Even the thriving. Try to remember to check in with how your heart feels today. If you feel comfortable sharing your story, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from anyone with this kind of experience.

Blessings and love and comfort to you all. This is NOT for the weak.

Any advice on how to navigate this or any horrific statistics that will guarantee I f all the off from this person would be greatly appreciated. If you made it this far thanks so much. This is so isolating. We can all do this. We are all okay as we can be today ❤️

My parents were terrible to me growing up

My mother would beat me over every little mistake lie school or forgetful ness

Shed beat me with a hoes a pot spoon a mop a stick a 2 by four wood wet belts lather belts metal ruler shed threaten me with a knife a hot iron to burn me hot pot spoon shed beat me out side naked my dad would slap me across the face drag me my hair threaten push me in to the fridge almost breaking my glasses all for looking at him wrong and my mom would for not understanding school work getting bullied getting stationary stolen mainly grades

And after all of that I got cptsd and went in to high school and got extremely depressed and sick mentally id hurt my self. Not be able to focus

Be bullied still by some teachers and all the students be hearing things and voices and still not be able to do the work properly just failing every class and my teachers told them and that im slower and not focused and that there's FREE

help in school they said no and I suffered for 4 more years each time they would ask id beg them for help for therapy I got to go sometimes to talk to the councilor but even then they'd say watch what I say dont tell there business and I tried not to but sometimes I would talk about my past and they'd call them in school and they'd be upset after till finally I was bed ridden during covid couldnt do anything for more than a year

For them to finally be like okie you could have help cause the teacher kept asking and requiring it only to go there get on meds to feel a little better which they didn't want me on meds wouldnt give me sometimes for the doctor to tell me not only did I have major depression that I had autism adhd and learning disabilities and my time at the clinic was exprireing cause I turned 18 and all the adult clinic does is give medicine no counciling and untop of that i couldnt finsh school I dropped out of 16 cause it was to much and I would have fail the exams any way mind you they had 5 years to help I could have finshed school I could have had a better out come then and they beat me for no reason the not understanding wasnt my fault and the truma was there fault all I needed was

The right help and my sister litterly got the help I asked and begged for for her condition her ptsd seziures and they paided for hers when it was 12 thousand dollars but mind you it was free and they didn't give me the time of day to help and they knew I was sick

I’m so sick of not being able to sleep, every night I stay up thinking about the future, mapping out exactly how conversations and times spend with ppl is gonna go, maybe to feel prepared for what could happen? I think about the past, searching for anything I might have missed, trying to remember all the details in case I need them in the future to defend myself or protect myself(my abuser tends to lie so knowing the exact truth always helped) putting all the pieces together, trying to see how it’ll shape my future even tho that future can’t exist anymore, even tho I’m safe now, I can’t seem to shut off survival mode, even when I do sleep it doesn’t last because my nightmares wake me up throughout the night, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to let go of the past, or stop being afraid of the future, but ig that’s just to be expected with PTSD right? It is a disorder afterall, one I don’t know how to fix

If anyone has any advice on how to get their brain to shut up enough to sleep I would really appreciate it, meds don’t do anything, just make me feel tired but not able to sleep still, I wish I wasn’t broken, I wish my abuser hadn’t broken my brain like this, I wish I could go back, I miss being happy, I miss being able to sleep, I’ve always had trouble with it, but this is on another level, I wish I could go back to when things were good, when my abuser tricked me into thinking things were good enough for me to actually feel some semblance of fake safety, atleast enough for me to fall asleep in their arms, if only it were real, if only it could have lasted for real, but now I’m all alone, all alone in the wreckage they’ve done to my mind, I poured all my love into them, and all I got back was pain, the love they gave me was just lies, that’s why it never lasted, that’s why they abused me so severely and then moved on like it was nothing, because it’s nothing to them, it doesn’t affect them, so why should they care? I’m the one who has to carry this burden of what they’ve done to me all by myself, and that’s not fair, why am I the one who has to continue to suffer because of what they’ve done to me, it’s not fair

In december 2025 i was assaulted by my ex boyfriend. we had been broken up for almost a year and living with my current boyfriend. me and my boyfriend had a huge fight and i had reached out to my ex because he was also my best friend since we were kids and he knows me more than anyone so i decided to reach back out for a drink and just talk to him. he ended up getting me blacked out (i still assume he drugged me) and the next day told me we had sex and he recorded it and would send it to my boyfriend if i didn’t continue to have sex with him (he also has abused me for years and ruined every new relationship of mine and knows how to make me do just about anything) i knew myself and know i would never ever cheat but i also didn’t remember half the night and know how my ex is talk me into just about anything so i saw him for another week every night and he continued making me sleep with him eventually he was arrested because he kidnapped me and tried to murder me and he was arrested. but i still feel like i cheated on my boyfriend because i never spoke up, i went back every night. he was just found guilty of attempted murder and rape charges against me. and everyone in my life says it was rape but i still feel like i cheated on my boyfriend and i feel disgusting about it. how do i forgive myself and move on? my boyfriend tells me everyday he doesn’t view me any differently and he did hurt me and i shouldn’t torture myself but i feel so fucking guilty. i feel guilty him being in jail when i feel like this, i feel dirty, i can barely have sex with my boyfriend anymore because i feel disgusting for “cheating” on him it’s ruined my life. my boyfriend also has said even if i had “cheated” on him originally i was so drunk its still assault and he blackmailed me into seeing him again and again but i just feel guilty

I have been molested many times throughout my childhood. I have come across many pedos because of my friendly nature which they read off as interest.

Because of all of these traumas I flinch really quickly and hate being touched. I rarely deny my friends or family but I become very stiff and can't say I as such enjoy it.

At times I do hug people or rest my head on their shoulders but overall I avoid physical contact.

theses past few weeks I've been more and more scared of seeing my ex in public. I thought I was safe when they told me they moved out, but I remembered that their parents are still in the same town I live in, which means that they'll come back to visit them.

each time I hear a scooter or see a grey car ( I can't remember the numbers on the car plate thingy, so it's tricky to know if it's thrm or not ) I get scared and hope it's not them, I even got scared yesterday 'cause I saw a grey car in my building's parking lot. I go out a lot with my mom and my bestie, and I'm scared that they'll go to me to say hi 'cause I won't be able to mask my fear, and if I appear fearful or even cold they're gonna know what's wrong and might not leave me alone until I tell them what's going on ( if I spill the beans to them about what they did to me, who knows what's gonna happen. ). plus they showed signs of being dangerous, so it's even more scary.

I dunno how to stop being so scared, it's messing with my mind. plus, I can't move out, I can't work and I wanna stay with my mom 'cause she needs my help with a lot of things.

Hello. I am a suicidal, self hating, self harming teenager. The question is in the title.

1. I move to my parents home after living with grandma for 6 years. Then comes the problem. Mom's partner(I say partner and not boyfriend because they GAY🏳‍🌈🏳‍🌈🏳‍🌈). She has... An anger management problemo. To say the least. To say the most, she hates kids so much she traumatized one for life and left the kid thinking whether or not her behavior was normal.

​then the stuff that made me question reality hit. From 2022-2023, I was repeatedly beaten in the ass by a charger by my mother's partner. And I mean MY STRAIGHT UP ASS. One time, I took to long to eat, and SHE THREW ME OFF THE CHAIR. Not to mention the destruction of my belongings.​ one of them I still can't find. Seriously we looked everywhere. But WHEN WE WENT OUT AND WHEN WE HAD VISITORS SHE PLAYED GOODY TWO-SHOES AND TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON FOR ONCE. OK maybe that's an exaggeration. In the same time, I ran away from home four times.

2023-25. Shit got REAL quiet when she left my home and went for Taytay. That condo was a cash sink, FOR CRAPPY ELEVATORS, A ONE BED, ONE BATH APARTMENT WITH NO VIEW?! What the hell, man. Anyway, she came back every few months to "see mom again". Honestly I just thought she was trying to harass me even more. I tried becoming 1940s Japanese pilot in 2024 because I had enough. Luckily, i survived because my classmates tried to save me. Like, IT'S MY LIFE??? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAVE ME??? anyway. So​metimes mom's partner would either berate me or commit more property destruction to make me do confessions I don't know the answers to.

1. This starts in February on the Sunday before February 13th.​ I was writing me some lectures until my absolutely retarded abuser looks at me, accuses me of not doing it, and forces me to do... Exactly what I was doing. Of course I did it but after some blackmail from her and a lot of crying I was told to go back down. Me, knowing what had happened in the past few years, didn't. I was DRAGGED DOWN. I completed the lectures at around 3 PM, so honestly great motivation, bad execution​​​. On Tuesday, I decided to take legal action by consulting the family lawyer. I was baited by my mom to stop it. ​​nothing really happened this year. Me and my mom's partner? We're on uneasy but good terms. Well, that's the end of my yapfest.

His trauma ruined what was suppose to be a beautiful moment for me. I had to wait 2 weeks for an ultrasound appointment to confirm. He told me during those two weeks not to get too excited and we didn't really know if I was pregnant. I knew. My body knew.

He told me he had an ex who lied about being pregnant with fake ultrasounds then caught her doing drugs. Therefore he wasnt getting excited until he knew for sure during the first ultrasound appointment. As if I was lying.

There were so many moments that could have been beautiful and were ruined instead.

My oldest son said i did not so nice things to so child severs would come. And try and get me removed from my family we were put through hell to prove I wasnt the clamed. I was cleared of everything we also2 yonder children apart from my oldest. I was hurt in a was that broke me. I can’t hate my son but to be called what he said about me I’m being the bigger man and saying that it not just my big day but my soon to be wife I want my son to be there cause of her and his siblings. I’m very hurt by what he did to me but his mother and siblings want to see him. I can’t face him just yet. As it was some in my past that said I was not a good person and I did bad things to them I didn’t i was with them and not on and off I didn’t know were i stood with them but I tovkef them when we was asleep and I was outside as a bad man that did something so bad to her but I didn’t I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was bad for it. Then my own son said I was a monster and sa him and him brother but not his sister and it all came back as unfounded claims but I can’t hate my son I love home so much I really miss him.

Trigger warning: heavy gaslighting.

So as I said I completed my deposition against my father yesterday. Sent the contacts to family members if they want to tell the detectives their POV of what happened.

One brother just tells me I'm sick, got no class, nothing ever happened.
One sister tells me I'm courageous, probably won't contact the detectives. Believes me about what happened also to me.

Three other siblings didn't answer (maybe they will at some other point).

And now my mom...

We scheduled a time on the phone. I thought she was encouraging me to do what I need to do. We talked about the abuse a couple of times. When I told her about the phone number and the email if she wants to tell her side of the story, she went: '' Oh, I won't use the number, there's nothing to say. I saw nothing, nothing ever happened to me.

Me: Are you saying that you would contradict every aspect of my deposition?

Mom: ...Yes. *Proceeds to deadname me for the first time in like 3 years*, «I love you».

*I hunged up the phone*

This...hit me like a ton of brick. It makes me feel so alone. Even though my friends trust my story, I... I want the lying to stop. It's too much to ask in such a short time. My friend told me to think about the First Nations and how they tried for so many centuries to get the truth out. Nations tried to get the truth out in the open. Right now, I want to borrow their patience.

Goddamn concentric circles of lies.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ONLINE GROOMING, STALKING, ABUSE, ETCETERA!!!

I feel really alone in this because when I explain it it just sounds bizarre. I was about 15 ish when I had started talking to an older guy online, not initially in a romantic way. He was in his late 20s I believe? I had been sexually groomed and exploited online before, and that really fucked up how I craved affection. So older male friendships were my go to solution. It was a normal friendship for a bit but one night he got drunk, confessed to wanting to rape me and imagining me nude, and I flirted back and engaged in the sexual convo because this wasn’t a shocking thing to me. Anyways he sobered up, and we got in an argument. We still remained friends for a bit and I told him “oh it’s okay!!! People do stuff when they’re drunk it’s fine.” Then we had more arguments and stopped being friends. He proceeded to stalk me for about a year and a half, threatening me, threatening to rape and murder me and that he knew where I was, he’d tell me “I drove to your town… \*town name\* is a pretty cute place to live in isn’t it?” He threatened my friends. He had a complete chokehold on my life. His main thing was staying with my boyfriend at the time. If I tried to leave him, he’d find out, and threaten me and my friend with horrible things. I tried to leave once and my boyfriend at the time attempted suicide. I confided in this adult man trying to grasp at any bit of comfort I could get. He called me a murderer, that it was my fault. That I was a life ruiner, all I did was hurt people. He knew my address, my parents contact info, where I went to school, everything. I debated ending my life every day. I took my stress out on others by bullying (which was already dry an issue prior to this, but it intensified a bit) and spreading rumors and shit talking. I took satisfaction in seeing people’s lives be just as miserable as mine, as sick as it sounds. (I have apologized to these girls, they don’t accept it but it was something I needed to do in order to heal) I needed to feel in control of something. Then one day, he messaged me, apologized, and ended his life. And I have to sit with knowing that the things he said are true. If he had never met me. He’d be alive, and maybe I wouldn’t have been such a horrific bully to people.

And, another “friendship” I had prior to this was kind of odd. We started chatting when I was 14. He was 26. It seemed pretty innocent. He said he wanted to help me feel better after being horrifically groomed and sextorted by men at 13. I trusted him. He’d occasionally say things that were a bit sexual. We’d do these virtual like “exercises”… which was kinda roleplay? Wed kinda roleplay intimate scenarios because I wanted to feel more comfortable with the idea of being touched or something? It wasn’t like sex, but kissing or cuddling or grabbing my thighs. I remember the most intimate it got was like describing groping my breasts and making out with me and gripping my thighs. It wasn’t with like a fake man or character, he used himself as a stand-in? It’s so bizarre to type out. Another time he brought up the idea of me getting more comfy taking photos of myself. He said “ideally, more revealing would be best”. I freaked out and thought he was asking for nudes and he back tracked and said “oh i meant just taking them for yourself!” He’d also recommend me to masturbate for depression, if I fantasized to imagine myself in a more dominant role, etcetera. He became friends with my older girl friend (which was actually a friendship) and I looked up to him. We talked for about a year before I slipped up and told my older girl friend about the “exercises” and she lost her shit. I don’t even know if it was grooming because I truly don’t believe he was trying to pursue anything. My older female friend who he was trying to pursue romantically at one point mentioned that he said some things to her. That he called me a needy angsty teenager, that she should stop talking to me as much because she was affecting me negatively, and that he drunkenly admitted to enjoying some odd pornography involving younger appearing girls (don’t know if it was actually CSAM since it was the animated kind).

I just wanted friends. These men told me they’d help me feel better after the horrific stuff I went through and I believed them. I wanted to feel better and appreciated and like I mattered to someone.

I just feel so alone. I don’t remember much from the ages of 13-16 besides major life events, hurting other people, and being so depressed. My stomach still drops when I get a text from an unknown number. I struggle with drug and alcohol usage as well as self harm because it just makes me feel so much better.