Wish that I could take away all your pain; I wish I could wrap my arms around you to let you know how much you are loved!

I don't have all the answers to all of life's problems, but I can listen when you're in pain; because pain seems to be lessened when shared.

So always remember, I am here if you need an ear to listen and a hand to hold along the way. Even a quiet presence beside you. Maybe even a quiet Sunday drive.

Goodnight motormouth 😘🦖👀

I'm so jealous
That you have a place.

I'm so jealous
That you have someone to love.

I'm so jealous
That you found God.

I'm so jealous
That you have your life worked out.

I'm just stuck,
And lost.

My entire life
Was just you in the center.

I mean. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s all gone, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like there’s still something missing and that our story was over.

You were the fucking worst.

And I was right there with you.

And I’ll admit, that I’m still having a hard time understanding how it was so easy for you to just.. not even try.

I’ve heard more rumors (of course), and I don’t want to believe them. But truly, they make sense. I just don’t know why you chose me to be the target, if they’re even true.

I also don’t know why you chose to deal with your health issues by yourself.. clearly I was always there for you in ways that you would have never been for me.

If all fairness, you do have a history of lying. And part of me still has doubt that it’s even true. But regardless, I hope it isn’t, because you were my husband and I did dedicate my entire life to you on purpose.

I meant my vows.

And I guess you did too, since you didn’t write any.

There are so many different things we could discuss to level, and understand each other’s thought processes to have worked on. But you made it abundantly clear that you wanted out… even before you proposed.

And I was so desperate to feel chosen by someone, I allowed everything to happen.

Hell, I even played along with it and matched your energy.

But baby… why? Why did you do it?

I hear from mutual friends that I hurt you and that’s why you couldn’t work on things with me… and that’s because I left. I had to. I was on the verge of.. well, you know. (But you didn’t believe me).

I will say this and not give myself any grace because I know I was fucking terrible… truly I was. But one thing you do have to give me credit for is that I was always open to listening to your feelings and emotions, and doing my part to not make you feel insecure, or bad about yourself..

But not once. Not one single time did you EVER, take accountability for what made me walk out that door on New Year’s Day.

In fact, I know you started your smear campaign, way before I left. They’ve told me.

But what they also told me is that when you call and speak about me, you have never mentioned a single thing about what you did.

Do you really believe that you didn’t do anything at all? You really believe that I just walked out for no reason? Like, seriously?

I’m going to show you how to do it:

When it comes to the finances, I was stubborn. I have my reasons why I did the things I did, but they don’t matter because I made you feel like you were being used. And for that, I do apologize.

It doesn’t matter what happened to make me do the things that I did, because it hurt you.

The dishonesty and the time I cheated… again, I had my reason, but it hurt you. And for that, I apologize for that as well.

But you know, from the bottom of your heart that i fucking adored you. Not only did I tell you that, all of the time, but I also demonstrated it.

I swore I wouldn’t spend anymore time on here, looking for a ghost, but here I am.

There is one thing though that I can thank you for…

With the last 10 months of isolation, and really sitting with myself. I found myself again. And for the first time in probably 30 years, I love myself again.

Yes I’m at the lowest point in my life but GODDAMN I have never felt better about myself.

I have confidence and discernment, integrity towards myself and I also know that I can quite literally overcome anything.

I was never the flashy person you wanted me to be. I’m humble. I don’t require much. But I was so consumed with trying to keep up appearances, not only with you but also, to keep you.

I’m not bashing you at all while saying this. I know your background. I know how you grew up, and I always gave you grace for that. And you can even admit I did try to guide you away from that mindset.

Hell B, I even tried to give you everything that you expressed emotions about from your childhood…. EVEN AFTER WE SEPARATED.

While I’m here. We might as well address another issue:

You called me crazy to so many people after I was left trying to figure out what happened. I had to piece everything together myself. And since you ghosted your husband, my truth, is the truth. Simply because you never took the opportunity to set the record straight.

On top of that. There are people in our circles that fed us both information that was not only untrue, but damning by nature.

You believed what you heard and so did I.

The difference is, when I would hear rumors, I would reach out to you to try to protect you, even though it wasn’t my job anymore.

You and I both were accused of talking shit about the other. And I can’t speak for you, but I will for myself. All of the “shit-talking” I was accused of, was simply because I heard rumors from YOUR inner circle that concerned me. So I would ask others about it. But what was relayed to you was something completely different.

I do hate that you won’t ever get the chance to see me at my best. You’d really like me now. You might even actually love me.

It’s all out now.

Poo poo pee pee

End transmission.

i was the vessel to her in everything. just a piece of stone sculpted for someone else.

i feel like i don’t belong to me anymore. i know i did it to myself, i made my decisions on my own merit but my pride cannot let go of the fact that i was wrong. that i am the one with egg on my face. i wish i wasn’t, but i am. i was just another woman. i took my rage out on anyone who even dared to come up against me(DELUSIONAL).

how many times have we been here before? how many times have we told you this is not true love?

this is not the love i crave.

i want all encompassing, protection and passion.

i manifest the love i want and it starts with detachment. what a scary word for such a lovely concept. let me go please.

with love, 🎈🩷🦋

Just stop lying.. No one is concerned . Stop with your bs.. what is wrong with you? what is happening in your head or is it the drugs? I loved you . you knew it . Why did you do all this and become this way.. After everything this is all in your head alone. I was never trying to do anything to you , im still not. you have become unhinged. . You were my family, my love,, my life..

Mi amor:

Llevo tiempo pensando en todo lo que ha pasado durante este último mes y siento la necesidad de escribirte estas palabras desde lo más profundo de mi corazón. No hay un solo día en el que no piense en lo ocurrido, en el daño que te he podido causar y en lo mucho que me arrepiento de mis actos. Me siento muy avergonzada por cómo han sucedido las cosas y, sobre todo, por haberte mentido y no haber sido honesta contigo, cuando tú merecías sinceridad, respeto y confianza por mi parte.
Quiero pedirte perdón de corazón. Perdón por mis errores, por las mentiras, por haberte hecho dudar de mí y por todo el dolor que te haya podido causar. Sé que las palabras no borran lo sucedido y que recuperar la confianza no es algo que se consiga de un día para otro, pero quiero que sepas que soy consciente de mis errores y que estoy dispuesta a demostrarte con hechos que quiero hacer las cosas de otra manera.
Te prometo que quiero dejar atrás las drogas y no volver a consumirlas. También quiero comprometerme a respetar nuestra relación, a no volver a buscar placer fuera de ella y a ser completamente honesta contigo. Si en algún momento me siento vulnerable, tengo dudas o atravieso una situación difícil, quiero tener la confianza y el valor de hablarlo contigo, en lugar de esconderlo o recurrir a las mentiras. No quiero volver a construir una vida llena de secretos, sino una relación en la que podamos hablar de todo con sinceridad.
No quiero que estas promesas se queden solamente en palabras bonitas. Quiero que puedas ver mi cambio en mis decisiones, en mi comportamiento y en la manera en la que te cuido y respeto nuestra relación. Sé que tendré que ganarme de nuevo tu confianza, y entiendo que puedas necesitar tiempo para sanar y volver a sentirte seguro conmigo.
Te quiero y me importa muchísimo lo nuestro. No quiero que los errores que he cometido definan todo lo que somos ni que este último mes sea lo único que quede entre nosotros. Me gustaría que pudiéramos aprender de lo sucedido, dejar atrás aquello que nos ha hecho daño y darnos la oportunidad de comenzar una nueva etapa, con más madurez, sinceridad, respeto y amor.
Sueño con que podamos volver a ser felices juntos, sin reproches constantes, sin prejuicios y sin permitir que nuestro pasado nos impida disfrutar de nuestro presente. No quiero decir con esto que tengamos que olvidar de golpe lo ocurrido, porque sé que las heridas necesitan tiempo para sanar. Quiero que podamos superarlo poco a poco, sin utilizar nuestros errores como armas, y que algún día podamos mirar atrás y sentir que todo aquello nos enseñó a cuidar mejor de nosotros y de nuestra relación.
Quiero que volvamos a mirarnos con cariño, a reír juntos, a disfrutar de las pequeñas cosas y a sentir que estamos construyendo algo bonito, sano y verdadero. Quiero que podamos ser nosotros mismos, hablar sin miedo y saber que, incluso cuando las cosas se compliquen, siempre podremos elegir la sinceridad antes que la mentira.
Sé que no puedo cambiar lo que hice, pero sí puedo responsabilizarme de ello y decidir cómo quiero actuar a partir de ahora. Y mi decisión es cambiar, cuidarme, respetarte y cuidar lo que tenemos.
No te pido que olvides de inmediato ni que confíes en mí solamente porque te lo estoy diciendo en esta carta. Te pido que, si todavía hay amor y una oportunidad para nosotros, me permitas demostrarte con el tiempo que mis intenciones son sinceras.
Perdóname por haberte fallado, por no haber sido honesta y por todo lo que hemos tenido que vivir durante este último mes. Ojalá podamos cerrar este capítulo con aprendizaje y abrir uno nuevo en el que nos elijamos desde el amor, la confianza, la tranquilidad y el respeto mutuo.
Quiero hacer las cosas bien, no solamente por nosotros, sino también por mí, porque sé que necesito ser una persona más honesta conmigo misma y con la persona que quiero a mi lado.
Te quiero, y deseo de corazón que podamos darnos una nueva oportunidad para construir una historia más bonita, sin mentiras, sin secretos y con la ilusión de volver a ser felices juntos.
Con todo mi corazón,
te pido perdón y te pido una oportunidad para demostrarte que puedo hacerlo mejor. ❤️

But not so happy without you, I got a bunch of messages but only one would've made me smile and it was yours

I have read many many messages and I feel like they're for me so if this is you this is me I fell in love with you and the very first moment the very first time we really did anything together you drove us and your honey down to Buck f*** Idaho to a waterfall that we couldn't even really find but we managed to and we sat in that swing and you sound a swing and I pushed you back and forth I fell for you that moment if those were your messages to me do not hesitate and run up to me jump I'll catch you wrap your legs around me we'll squeeze each other will bury what's been happening before in the past and let's move forward I regret only saying okay that day that the kids were teething so if that was you you know where I live don't hesitate to come get me come find me I would love nothing more than to love you

Do your work I said , I made that for everybody, and I kept repeating it for you because when you do your work EVERY ONE , you become instant bull hockey detector. It’s amazing. Do your work, work with your inner child, but it was heard all on deaf ears, so I warned and warned and watch things go. sigh, I had to get popcorn because it just was sad. I watched things go and me being a pawn in somebody’s cruel joke, I felt more like legally blond . I was a joke, just for being broke. That is fine. I will stand on my own. I will do the best I can. I will send love and light to all. because that’s what we all should do and not expect a thing back. even to my haters, for they do give me attention. The ball has always been in your court, it’s how you play the game
P.S. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹as always sending light and love 💗

hmm my phone automatically silences unknown calls cause I get so much spam because I’m popular too. If it’s not a real phone number, I don’t. I get messages from the phone, but I don’t get to answer it in real time.with unknown phone number people leave a message

I'm getting a promotion. After nearly 6 years of being beaten up physically and emotionally and told how bad of a person I was, that I didn't deserve life or love. I'm being validated professionally for helping people. My clients have said nothing but good things about me (aside from the weird one who came from over yonder hill). I love my job. This promotion comes with big changes, job security, better retirement options and decent benefits. Crazy.

And yet, I'm disappointed. Disappointed in myself for writing this letter. Disappointed because I still feel the need to assert the wrongness of how I was treated. There will always be bullies, mean and evil people. I'm not disappointed because I encountered them. I'm not mad either I'm grateful because I managed to overcome, to beat the odds.

Sadly, this is where I came to state it. That means the work isn't over. It may never be. Crazy.

I like you. I’ve had a crush on you for a while but talking to you has been so easy and I’ve finally been able to see how kind and intelligent you are in conversation. It was going well we first talked for a few minutes and then we kept running into each other by the freezer at work and our conversations became longer. It’s funny despite being next to the freezer I was still sweating. Not because of what I wear at work like my beanie but because of you. You make me nervous. There are multiple reasons as to why you make me feel this way. You’re kind, and giving, and put in a lot of effort into anything you do. You seem very knowledgeable and have a graceful confidence about you that I adore. You’re a great worker and always try to be on task. Even when I’m bothering you by the freezer. Your beauty also makes me nervous. You’re.. distractingly pretty. I never stare at people much. But I catch myself staring at you or looking over by the bakery for you. It’s embarrassing to be honest. But I can’t help myself my eyes just wanna see you. I think I also hope you’re looking over at me but I never see you really looking for me.

Lately ever since our last conversation when I told you how old I was I feel like you pulled away. I haven’t ran into you for how many days despite you being at work. Of course you’re probably busy and even at one of the huddles you said hi to me and gave me that beautiful smile of yours. But I don’t know things feel a little off.

You’re older than me and I don’t care about that at all. But I’m worried you might. I’m 28 and you’re 35. Most women don’t prefer to date younger men and I get why. Most of the time women are more emotionally mature than men and they date older guys to have that be more equal. Which I get but again I hope you don’t see it that way. That I’m too young or immature or that you see me differently now. I get that 7 years is a bit of a stretch and I wouldn’t blame you if that would be weird for you. But fuck I hope you feel what I feel. Not that I’m saying I’m in love or anything. We just started talking. But I hope you feel the connection I do.

I don’t know if my instincts are right and something is off or it’s just my fear of abandonment. The past few years I’ve had a lot of trauma from relationships. Romantic, platonic, and even with my family. Even talking to at first was scary. And the more I like anyone the more nervous I get because I think of what memories we could make together and how destroyed I’d be after losing someone again.

These fears and issues are not unique to me however. I’m sure you share some of that as well. You told me a bit about a recent relationship you had and it didn’t sound good to me at all. Everyone gets trauma from dating and relationships so maybe you’re keeping yourself safe too by being distant.

I’m probably over analyzing everything as I always do. I don’t know.

A part of me wants to ask you out to get coffee and a part of me wants to hide when I see you. But I mostly just wanna be near you. Even if I’m just sitting next to you watching you play animal crossing. I’d love to see the house you made on there. It must be awesome. I remember you saying you put like 2000 hours into it. Might be an over exaggeration but I bet you do have a lot of time put into it. You also said you spend all your time at home and shit me too. It’s wild to think we live like a block away from eachother. I just wonder if you think about me as much as i think about you.

Again not that I’m in love or obsessed or anything weird. I just admire you and am attracted to you physically and mentally. You seem like a lovely women and I just hope that you feel the same way I do and that my age isn’t as much as a deterrent as I feel it is.

You were always so good at leaving.

Not necessarily rooms.
Not at first.

Conversations.
Questions.
Anything that required you
to sit with the possibility
that you might have hurt somebody.

You could turn a simple request
into an accusation,
an explanation into an argument,
and somehow,
by the end of it,
I’d be apologizing
for the way you made me feel.

That’s a fucking talent.

To make somebody feel guilty
for noticing they’re being neglected.

You called it needing space.

Which is interesting,
because I gave you two years of mine.

Space to figure things out.
Space to make mistakes.
Space to take responsibility
at whatever pace
was most convenient for you.

And when I finally asked
for a little consideration,
you acted like I was trying
to take away your freedom.

I wasn’t asking you
to rearrange your entire life.

I was asking you
to finish a fucking conversation.

Or at least tell me
when you couldn’t.

But apparently
basic communication
is an unreasonable expectation
when you’re committed
to avoiding accountability.

And God,
you loved that word.

Overwhelmed.

You were overwhelmed
when something needed fixing.
Overwhelmed
when I needed reassurance.
Overwhelmed
when your decisions
finally had consequences.
But somehow
you were never too overwhelmed
to make another decision
I’d eventually have to deal with.

And I know.

Avoidance is a response.
Sometimes it’s learned.
Sometimes it’s fear.
Sometimes people shut down
because they genuinely
don’t know what else to do.

I understand that.

I spent two years
trying to understand that.

But at some point,
your explanation
stops being an excuse.

Because you knew.
You knew what disappearing did to me.
You knew how much it hurt.
You knew I wasn’t asking for perfection.

And you kept doing it.

Then acted surprised
when I stopped being patient.

You want to know
what the worst part was?

It wasn’t the silence.

It was watching you
find the courage
to defend yourself
every single time
I asked you to consider me.

You couldn’t find ten seconds
to say you’d be busy.
But you could find an hour
to explain why
I shouldn’t have been upset.

And eventually,
I started wondering
whether you were actually
afraid of confrontation,

or just afraid
of a conversation
you couldn’t win.

Because there’s a difference
between being unable
to face your problems

and being perfectly comfortable
letting somebody else
face them for you.

And when everything
finally fell apart,

you did what you always did.

You left.

Not just the relationship.

The unfinished conversations.
The consequences.
The things you’d promised to handle.
The person who spent two years
trying to make a future
with somebody
who couldn’t face the present.

And I was left
trying to make sense
of a goodbye
you couldn’t even say.

So no.

I don’t think you’re a piece of shit
because you needed space.

I think you treated me like shit
because you made your discomfort
more important
than the damage you were doing.

And every time
I tried to explain that damage,
you made me feel like
I was the one causing it.

That’s not protecting your peace.

That’s making somebody else
pay for it.

And the saddest part?

I would have sat through
every uncomfortable conversation
you were afraid to have.

I would have listened.
I would have worked through it.
I would have met you halfway
a thousand fucking times.

But you can’t meet somebody halfway
when every time you take a step forward,

they take another step back.

So congratulations.

You avoided the argument.
You avoided the apology.
You avoided the responsibility.

You avoided every difficult thing
that might have actually
made us better.

And in the end,

you avoided our relationship
right out of existence.

I hope all that space
was worth it.

Because you finally got
what you kept asking for.

Nobody left
to ask you
to show up.

Who knows what could happen in the future? Who knows what will happen to the feelings I have? I have a lot of unanswered questions, both for myself and you.

I’ve never been the type of person to fall for anyone. I’m always the one losing interest and hurting people. You’ve made the most impact on me, I don’t understand why.

When other people do the things you do, I just despise them. But when it came to you, I took the time to understand why you did it. I usually don’t like people like you, but you’re so great its baffling. How come only you get the pass?

I wonder if it’s the image in my head of you, maybe it’s our distance that makes me view you differently. Maybe when we see each other I’ll hate you. Who knows?

I wonder how it will go when or if we date again. I wonder if you’ll be the first person I truly like, or will I get bored and throw you away like the rest. You’ve made an impact on me no one has yet, though I still can’t tell if im misreading the situation. The distance broke our first relationship, which I didn’t mind, though it didn’t stop the thoughts I have about you.

I do seem to care about you significantly, but for selfiah reasons. We both know I am overly selfish.

I hope to find out whats so special about you.

I hope that instead of me hurting you, it’d be you hurting me.

I’m not sure what’s gonna happen to us, I’m not sure if we have anything right now.

I guess all I can do is wait and see.

I wrote all of this over the span of a year, ending a few months ago. I was in a relationship with someone who is an amazing person, but a severe alcoholic and drug addict. I still love them dearly but the relationship couldn't continue for obvious reasons.

You'll probably get sober And realize I was just a placeholder

I feel sick waiting for you To show up and pretend Like we don't both know you're high

I told myself last night While I was waiting for you to come home That I had to go home today That I couldn't keep doing this Waiting for you, my stomach in knots Powerless, useless, just taking up space and filling a place in your bed To keep us both a little more warm at night For now Until it's not enough Until we can't pretend Or you have an episode but this time you tell me everything you said you meant Until you're out of lies and money and withdrawal symptoms are too much to keep up the act of "being clean this whole time" I need to leave before I get another, "You're dealing with a serious addict. You don't know what you've got yourself into" Shpeel And I'd sigh, because obviously I do and obviously I didn't But you came home And even though I knew you lied About the way you spent the last few hours I was still happy to see you And I felt relieved that you were here And we laughed about something stupid and you kissed me and called me sweetheart And I" forgot" to pack my things So i don't think I'll be leaving today

I was right I didn't want to be But most of the time that's when I am You don't love me the same You can't You don't even love yourself the same as I love you It's so sad It's heart wrenching I hate that I can't help you I hate that you don't want to help yourself And that sharing something like this isn't enough for you to want different It never will be

I am tired And you keep choosing to be broken But I know It's not a choice you feel you have

Everything I try to love and make better Is broken and wants nothing to do with me Because they don't love me Because they never really could

Are we playing take-backs?

It's that feeling again. I don't know about anything. And, you I really don't know about you. At least not right now Not in this moment. In this moment you're unsteady Unsure And by extension I feel the same Unable to see if you see me Do you see me? Am I just taking up space you'd fill with her otherwise?

I knew you were the love of my life but i had people messing with me over you and I didn’t care but I cared enough to only engage with you in person due to that how would you feel you see in person conversations can be so easy to have if that’s to much I can’t blame you for letting me go it’s a lot of baggage and can be hard to engage in person only but sometimes it’s the only solution

I have been thinking about the beginning of us.

When I met you, I had a feeling. There was something in my gut warning me, something I could never quite explain. Remember I told you? I told you not to make me fall for you if you intended on breaking my heart. I told you this was it for me, that this was my last shot at love.

Remember, when you asked me to be with you, I didn’t just say yes? I hesitated.

I asked if you were sure. I told you I only had one condition. Something so simple: be honest with me. Be upfront with me. Don’t hide things from me. If something matters to us feelings, worries, anything, tell me.

And then I said the one thing that hurts more than anything to remember now:

“Just don’t leave me guessing, okay?”

And you said you wouldn’t. You promised. I remember even telling you, “I’m holding you to that.”

I had no idea how much those words would come back to haunt me.

I believed you because you asked me to. I let you in because you showed up. I started seeing the future vividly because you made it feel inevitable. We built a home together because you thought it was time.

And then when everything started falling apart, I did what you asked of me again.

Even when everything inside me wanted to hold you tighter, I thought letting you breathe was an act of love.

You asked me to wait and I waited.

You told me you knew you would come back to me, and I held onto those words because why wouldn’t I? You had spent so long teaching me to trust what you said.

I waited.

I didn’t know that while I was waiting for you, you were learning how to live without me. I was still standing where you left me, in the same home we built together, believing the things you had said, while you were slowly becoming someone who no longer wanted the life you had asked me to believe in.

And you never really came back and told me what happened. You just became quieter. Further away. Less mine every day.

Until eventually I was left doing exactly what I had begged you, on the very first night I agreed to be your partner, never to make me do.

Guessing.

Guessing when you stopped loving me.
Guessing when you stopped wanting me.
Guessing which promises you still meant.
Guessing whether you ever meant them at all.
Guessing whether there was somebody else.
Guessing whether you’re talking to someone or touching someone while I am breaking apart.
Guessing whether I had done something unforgivable.
Guessing whether I had imagined the seriousness of us.

Do you understand how cruel that feels? That is the part I cannot stop thinking about.

I had that feeling about you in the beginning and I remember it so clearly now. Something in me was scared. Something in me kept whispering that you were going to hurt me one day.

And I wanted so badly for that voice to be wrong. I wanted years to pass and for us to look back at the beginning and laugh at how frightened I had been. I wanted to sit next to you someday, surrounded by the ordinary life we had built, and think, I cannot believe I ever thought this man would break my heart.

I wanted my fear of you to become ridiculous with time. Instead, it became the ending.

And maybe that is why this has broken something so deep inside me. I told you not to leave me guessing. At the very beginning of us. And then, after you ended us, my very last words to you were
“I wished you were honest and upfront with me. You have broken me.”

I didn’t realise it then, but I was asking you for the exact same thing I had asked from you at the beginning. Honesty. Clarity. Please don’t leave me alone with questions.

At the beginning, you said, “I won’t. I promise.”
At the end, you said nothing.
Do you see the cruel irony in this? Maybe that is the whole story of what happened to me with you. I betrayed myself while believing in you.

Im so confused trying to make sense of things. Maybe thats the lesson maybe, I am not supposed to always make sense of it all. But my heart hurts because of the confusion. I don't know what,who,where,when and I guess that's ok but why does the confusion hurt? And I really don't like that post of not feeling a future pls don't feel that. And also that's a lot of pressure for me. That was the worst thing I've ever read and it's hard to handle.

If you were good to somebody and Im not talking about just being there and doin for them. I’m talking about making major changes in your life to accommodate them. Shared your wealth with them and everything else you could have. Spent money, got into situations where you got into trouble and more debt unfortunately. But in the end they got in a good place and you were stuck out, but they shared their wealth and happiness with everyone else except you. Never forget how people are. You always know who is there for you and who isn’t. Never forget how you were there for them and then they shut the door on you.

Obviously I want you, but sex is far from all I want.

I want to come over, meet your cats, and share a bottle of wine with you while we talk about how things have been going and what our plans are coming up. We'll laugh and talk about anything that comes to mind like we always do, jumping from topic to topic and somehow both following where we are.

As the night goes on we'll end up sitting next to eachother in your living room watching something on TV, I'll suggest a movie and we'll start watching that together. After a bit, I'll scooch a little closer, hopefully you do too, and we'll end up next to each other. I'll put my arm around you, and you'll rest your head on my chest, and that will be the happiest moment I've had in a long time. I'll slowly trace my fingers up and down your arm, maybe rest my hand against your head and trace your cheek with my hand.

You'll look up at me at some point and realize that I haven't even been watching the movie, I've been staring at you. You have beautiful eyes, there's nothing I would rather be looking at. I'll draw your face up to mine and gently kiss you once, then twice, and then keep kissing you, moving from your lips, to your neck, down to your collarbone. I'll hold you tight, one hand on the small of your back and another holding your head.

I'll pull back and rest my forehead against yours, then I will quietly whisper to you, “You’ve always been my first choice". From there, we will continue to cuddle as we finish the movie. It'll be a bit late for me to head home at that point, hopefully, you'll invite me to your bed from there, and we can spend the night in eachothers arms until we fall asleep.

I'll make us breakfast in the morning, and we'll have a wonderful time talking as we always do, but knowing that we've shared something deeper, and that we will continue to explore what that may be. Before I leave, I'll stop at the door and kiss you one more time, and I'll text you the second I get home. I won't pull back, and I want nothing more than to have that night grow into something more.

You know who you are...

Can you do me a favor?

Could you do me a kindness??

My mind is a swirly mess.

My tummy is a pit of despair.

I know youre on here.

And i know right now youre being vague.

You enjoy the mystery or you have to or whatever.

But for my sake, can you make a post that would, I dunno? Give me some kind of hope?

Something that just you and I will understand.

It doesnt have to be anything huge.

Just a little, "I see you. Im here. Dont worry."

Ok thanks bye. Lol

It's 7:30 PM. The sky is dark and I just got home. There is lukewarm pizza sitting on my desk. I can't bring myself to eat it just yet.

Tears fell as I walked up the street. It happens often—far too often. I remembered a song that reminded me of you and I felt so empty; so hollow inside.

I'm beat. Exhausted. Sick and tired of this ugly black hole inside of me. But after months and months I still can't get rid of it. No matter what I do it remains with me always—the memory of your beaming face and my useless, pathetic love for you.

You don't even know it but I am your dog. And you are the flea that I just can't scratch. The moon I howl at when the night arrives. The beautiful ghost that haunts my dreams.

I hoped I'd stop caring if you were cruel to me. But it didn't work—it just made the longing worse. That longing—a gnawing, festering yearning from hell—burns inside of me in all my quiet moments. I remember how hopeful I felt when you smiled at me... how I felt ALIVE for the first time in eons.

I felt like I was on a cloud. Like we were on a cloud together. Like we could light each other on fire and touch the stars. Like we could fuse into something so much greater than either one of us.

I loved you so much but I never told the truth. Because I knew that you were out of reach. And why on Earth would someone like you want someone like me? Or leave your life behind for something so different—so unfamiliar?

To me you were familiar. As though I'd seen your face before—perhaps in a past life. I think it's why I started glowing when I first took notice of you. I'd never wanted something like that before. But I was fucking terrified.

You overwhelmed me so much—I was so overwhelmed by how much beauty I perceived in you—that I feared I'd shake and sweat in your presence. That you'd notice my hand tremble. That you'd notice my eyes dart around the room. You were so bright that I feared I'd go blind if I looked at you for too long.

But things went South and you hate me now. Because I was hurt and I couldn't push it down. I tried so hard to push it down. But it became unbearable and I could not close the loop.

I still can't close the loop—even after everything. I remember the last time I saw you and I feel so confused. I don't know why that happened; I don't know what that was. I don't know what I was to you.

Perhaps we loved each other but met at the wrong time. Perhaps I loved you while I was just a stranger to you. Perhaps you loved me and I ruined it. Perhaps I just wasn't patient enough. Perhaps you would have reached out one day had I kept my head down and said nothing.

I don't know why you had to lie and hide. It was wrong but I wanted to forgive you. I hoped to forgive you. I hoped that the tension and strife could produce something more meaningful—a love forged in tenacity and ascendance. A connection forged in the process of overcoming.

What I felt was instant. It just happened. It just was. And I think that was why it was so powerful.

It still lives within me. It struggles and gasps for air. It scratches at my innards; my ribs. It beats and buzzes and thunders. It is the electricity that short circuits in my mind; that devours my downtime; that makes me toss and turn at night.

Without you, I'm empty inside. That's what all of my Amazon packages say on them now. It reminds me of you. Because the hole inside of me is shaped like your silhouette.

I fear that no one else will ever fill it. Because they aren't the right shape. Like puzzle pieces that just don't fit together.

I think that you hate me. That I scare you. That I am a memory you want to destroy. That I'm pathetic to you. That you pity me. That you look down on me. That you wish we never crossed paths.

But I still think about you and that is my disease. And I can't seem to stop no matter what I do.

Much time has passed. I'm still stuck. I'm still trapped in this. And I don't even know if I want to be free. You haunt me when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. Sometimes I wake to the realization that I saw you in my dreams.

I'm still dependent on the fantasy of you and it fills me with shame. I'm so embarrassed about the fact that it continues to consume me. But you were so magnetic; so irresistible. And all the others look bland compared to you.

I want you do to bad things to me because I am sick. I lie in bed and imagine it when I am half asleep. Nothing else stirs my desire—only these thoughts; these mental conjures. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I wish I could go back in time so I could enjoy your presence again. I wish we could start over. I wish we could work things out somehow. I wish we could watch a movie together; take a walk together; listen to music together; eat together; sit together. I wish I could listen to you talk about your interests. I wish I could cheer you up and make you feel at ease. I wish I could give you a sense of hope. I wish I could give you encouragement. I wish I could make you feel at home. I wish I could discover who you are. I wish I could watch the sun set beside you. I wish I could hold you as you fell asleep.

But I know I will never see you again. I don't think I will, anyway. My love is a tortured, desperate, pitiful thing; a starving animal crouched amongst the refuse of a dying sun.

But my love is true. And that means something, I suppose.

I wish it wasn't so, but

I just can't let go.

My friend. Weeks ago. She asked to talk. Then said almost nothing. Sat across from me and held all of it somewhere I couldn't reach.

And you're right. Difficult is the honest word. I'm not going to dress it up.

But here's the thing.

Delightful isn't the situation. The situation is hard. The silence is hard. Not knowing what she carried into that room and carried back out, that's its own particular kind of hard.

What's delightful is what I found out about myself inside of it.

That I could sit with someone I love while she said almost nothing, and not fill it with pressure. Not perform patience waiting to become impatience. Just, be there. Actually be there. Without needing it to go a certain way.

Most people can't do that. I know because I used to be most people.

So yes. Call it a blessing if that word fits better in your mouth. I don't mind the word. What I'm trying to name is smaller than blessing and more specific. It's the surprise of finding out the thing you thought the years might have worn down is still there. Intact. Quiet. Not asking for anything.

She didn't give me much in that room.

I didn't need her to.

That's what I mean by delightful. Not the ease of it. The evidence of it.

The universe was heavily mistaken.
Our connection wasn’t fated to cross paths.
It is only something destined in fairytales.
If our eyes met across a crowded room, I know I would be a goner.
Time would stop.
Planets might collide.
I think life as we know it would be doomed!

I can't explain any of this and I don't know if I can or should even tell you this but I still belong to you...my heart still belongs to you..I think about you every day... multiple times a day..I think about your smile..I think about your laugh..I think about how much I miss being held in your arms...God I miss your arms wrapped around me.

This past year has been torture...I watched the love of my life vanish right before my eyes..The man I married and worshipped for years in the blink of an eye was gone. I kno you don't think so or believe this when I say it but I tried to show you...I tried to show you that you were better then who you called friends..Tried to show you that you were better then the drugs. I wanted you to see and kno you were worth it...that we were worth it.

I never wanted to lose you...I never wanted to lose us..I still don't even know how we got here...Why we got here. Was my love not enough? Was I not enough? Could I have done something different? Could I have done something to finally make you see and believe that I loved you..that I love you...Ive always loved you...It's always been you.

I kno you tell yourself that I caused this and I wonder if that's truly what you still believe. Do you still believe that after 10yrs being your wife that I wanted to file for divorce? It crushed me to file those papers. I truly hope you know that. The day our divorce was final was the day I lost my lover..I lost my best friend..I lost my soulmate and therefore lost apart of myself..but what's left of me still belongs to you.

I miss you...I miss the man I fell inlove with..I miss us more then anything..being away from you is like having all the oxygen taken out of the air and it's so hard for me to breathe without you..Why is it still so hard to breathe without you? Truthfully I don't even want to breathe without you..I don't want to live a life that you are not in. I don't see a life that doesn't include you in it.

Now your clean and sober and you tell me you love me and although you've never kept a promise in our 10yrs together you tell me to give you one more chance..One more chance to show me you can be the man I always knew you could be..The husband I always knew you could be.

You are the only person that can hurt me..you are the only person that I have ever loved so much that was able to hurt me. So what do I do? Do I give you another chance? Do I wait for you? You made some bad choices and now have to answer for them..You will be gone for a year. Can I really finally trust you? I want to trust you more then anything because I love you more then anything...my soul cries for you every night...My heart cries for you every night because it belongs to you and only you..I still belong to you.

“I hope the universe will forget you. I hope you still remember that.”

I thought I was finally getting used to your absence. I was learning not to check my phone every few minutes, not to wonder if you missed me, not to hope that one day you’d come back.

And then, just like that, you did.

Now I’m back to staring at my phone, waiting for that little notification, waiting for you to tell me when you’re coming back here. And the funny thing is, I already know I won’t say no.

You have this terrible way of making me forget all the reasons I should stay away from you. One message, one familiar smile, one night in your arms, and suddenly, I’m willing to risk losing my peace all over again.

Maybe that’s what makes you so addictive. You give me just enough to miss you, just enough to hope, just enough to make leaving you feel impossible. And somehow, even the pain of missing you feels better than the thought of never having you again.

I hate how easily you can make me happy. I hate how much I look forward to seeing you. But most of all, I hate that if you asked me to choose between the peace I’ve built without you and one more moment with you, I’d probably choose you.

So, my love, if one day we become strangers, I hope the universe forgets you. I hope it erases every road that could lead me back to you.

But I hope you still remember that.

Remember the girl who waited for your messages, who counted the days until you’d return, who welcomed you back even when her heart knew better. Remember how it felt to be loved by someone who could never quite bring herself to let you go.

And if you ever miss me, I hope you understand that I didn’t just want you to come back.

I wanted you to stay.

Because the agony of loving you is knowing you might leave again, and the ecstasy is knowing that, for a little while, I get to call you mine.

And here I am, waiting again.

Tell me, love, when are you coming back?