Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

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u/Axen25 3m left

this is my first time writing a song really, but I do like it. the music will probably be something more calm I guess? Hope for some feedback

what is good I dunno although some are pretty sure

holding doors being liked winning stuff that's enough

I don't think it's like that and I hope I'm not alone

it is not a great gift to be saint from the start

knowing naught of the pain that guides everybody else

and if good is this simple then so must be bad

why should I judge other people or myself we all are who we are shaped by stuff from our past

being good is to me accepting me as i am

and doing what I can with what I know which is hard but life is life

so what I need to call us good is what we already have

cuz you and I we're the same

chorus

couldn't be no one else but me no one else could be here not a single soul yet I yearn for you to take my place to be free of myself then it stops cuz I remember that I love myself

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u/Tharsis101 3h ago

This one is more heavy metal, hence the screaming and everything. This is my second shot at writing lyrics myself, would appreciate any advice!
Verse 1 (more rap-like?)
//no one even knew
//how you failed to find
//didn't look up and mind
//the danger over you
//your raped and slew
//the land that grew
//and lit up in arms
//leaving lasting scars (scars, scars)
Pre-chorus
//does nothing matter to you but money?
//there's more to this world than what you made
Chorus
// now it's our turn to run this world
// and this is the shit you left behind
//your promises fell on empty stomachs
//and rained on our ruined worlds
//thanks for your datacenters
//now we're obsolete
Verse 2
//they never paused to think
//say just shut up and drink
//thought they needed wood
//more than earth needs trees
//build the propaganda
//and a fountain of lies
//all because they
//built a culture of cries (cries, cries)
//play it like a game
//no matter the fame
//don't care bout humans
//even though we're the same
//hide under a mountain
//of web you spun
//that now lies on the backs
//of people undone (undone)
Pre-chorus
//does nothing matter to you but money?
//there's more to this world than what you made
Chorus
// now it's our turn to run this world
// and this is the shit you left behind
//your promises fell on empty stomachs
//and rained on our ruined worlds
//thanks for your datacenters
//now we're obsolete
Bridge
//don't care what they used to say
//don't care what they used to do
//don't care what they used to say
//DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DID
Chorus v2
//now it's our turn to run this world
//when we fix the shit you left behind
//and reject all your ruined promises
//no more banking hope on a faulty cause
//thanks for the datacenters
//now you're obsolete

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u/Feeling_Risk6684 4h ago

Went to my jam session tonight and played song posted a few below, but another guy played a cool song idk if it was an original but I caught one of the lines " That's why all my songs don't rhyme" Using that as an idea for another blues song this time let's make our guitarists happy and play in E major. Calling it I Can't Rhyme Without the Internet. Using the word rhyme as my main rhyming word. Thinking about using forced rhymes, near rhymes in the 1st few verses and as the song progresses start using perfect rhymes. With the assistance of links to our side, or I use Rhyme it. One idea I already have is force rhyming rhyme and night by cutting off the t in night so it sounds like nye.

E7
Try to write a blues song but I don't know how to rhyme/ Im trying to write a blues song but I don't know how to rhyme
A7
Well I guess I should have studied in school, instead of partying the whole nigh'

cant think of anything yet for bars 8-12 on 1st verse but I do have one funny idea good forced rhyme, good lead into a instrumental break, double entendre; Well I guess I should have paid attention in English instead of looking a teach's behind, (forcing the rhyme again but pronouncing being be-hine). but can't you blame it was fat!

Other Ideas by looking at rhyme it. One I definitely want to use is the word paradigm I might be getting the definition but that might even make it funnier, but some like a song writer using a website/internet/google for lyrics now talk about a paradigm. Means a change in view right? change your way of thinking?

When I cant think of lyrics I just hope I play in time
I just hope my music makes y'all feel sublime
Now don't ask me to play in double time
So people can write lyrics in what seems like no time
Again another line about studying in school but instead forcing the rhyme with night stayed up past my bedtime
Even this song idea I got from a friend of mine

Thanks y'all!!

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u/augustlov3r 21h ago

She Was Winter

She was winter
He was summer
He couldn’t help but want her
She couldn’t be bothered
Deep down he was what she wanted
But the sunshine was unfamiliar

All she knew was rain and storms
She couldn’t handle his warmth
He was too good for her
So she pushed him farther
She wished they could be together
He told himself he’d wait forever

She was winter
He was summer

She couldn’t handle being loved
She didn’t know she had nothing to be scared of
She wanted to fall
In the end, she couldn’t allow herself to lose control
It’s better to put up her walls and always be on guard
Thats the only way to protect her heart

She was winter
He was summer

He thought he could wait forever
He didn’t want to say never
He didn’t want to ever hurt her
But he moved onto warmer weather
And hoped she’d find her happily ever after

She was winter
He was summer

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u/Feeling_Risk6684 5h ago

reminds me of skr boi he was boy, she was girl he was a punk she did ballet. I like it very catchy.

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u/goodluck-jafar 22h ago

unedited & unfinished but here:

You were bit by something
you’d correct me that it’s bitten
but it doesn’t fit the rhythm that I’m writing

so you were bit by something
saw it crawling up your leg
green and yellow, black and red
man, it was frightening

and it’s like I saw the venom
colouring your raven eyes
shifting them to something that I still don’t recognise
I’ve never heard worse things than you said then, all fire and ice
it must’ve been the spider bite

you were struck by something
though I might as well say stricken
was it fever or the quickening
of blood that comes with hatred

you were hot and flushing
you were practically vibrating
there was something in you waking
pitiless and aggravated

and it’s like I saw the sickness
twisting up your clever mouth
shaping all your gentle words to something sharp and plain and loud
those sounds so foreign to your tongue,
all cruel and harsh and snarling
it must have been the flu or something

but it’s you, it’s you
you can fight off anything
you never get sick
you never get sick

it’s you, it’s you
that’s the terrible thing
oh god, you never get sick
it’s just what it is

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u/Feeling_Risk6684 1d ago

The 1st song I wrote I plan to play at a jam session I go to tomorrow. 12 bar blues in A Major but transpose to whatever.

Cockroach Gumbo a silly song about being broke you have to eat cockroaches. Using the word stew as a rhyming device, as I type this I don't think stew is actually used I'll fix that in later drafts. Still looking for ideas on verse 4 and cleaning up some lines I have few that I haven't used.

Verse I
A7 I went into my kitchen, looking for a thing or two. I opened up my cabinet and nothing in my purview
D7 Just some dusty paper, no options to pursue
A7 Even the mice have left, nothing left to chew
E7 So tonight Im boiling a critter
D7 that was sticking on my shoe
A7 Eating cockroach gumbo
E7 I don't know what else to do

Verse II
A7 You see a monster in the corner, 6 legged scary and mean. But I see my supper I'll cook him with some moldy greens
D7 Palmetto bugs simmering, seasoning them with some salt.
A7 If I break a tooth tonight it's the economy's fault
E7 So tonight I'm eating something
D7 that was crawling out of view
A7 Eating Cockroach gumbo
E7 I guess it will have to do

good time for an instrumental break

Verse III

A7 Now in France they eat little snails and charge you a whole lot of cash.
And lobster used to be prison food, they threw it in the trash.

D7 So I'm executing a kitchen takeover, a culinary coup

A7 Neighbors knocking on the door making a big hullabaloo
E7 cause Im breaking every healthcode rule
D7 Every single taboo
A7 cockroach gumbo
E7 for my cajun krewe

Other lyric ideas
Broke as a joke but what else am I to do
Broke dont know what else to do
Rent is overdue
Banks on empty think of something new
Approach/reproach both rhyme with cockroach so something like my culinary approach may give yall some reproach
something normally cheap Tuna/spam/rice a roni/ ramen/ hot and readys are now x amount of money so that luxury is through
Some use of the word Roux, using moldy flour to make the roux.
Got to make do
Crawling bowl of stew
6 legged delicacy bubbling in the residue
Something using Barbeque
Rhyme rice with eating nice. Landlord takes your movey you cant be eating nice.

Thats all I got for now thanks for any help!!!!!!!

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u/Tharsis101 3h ago edited 3h ago

That’s very creative, I like it. A few things I noticed I would change the third line of your first verse, the repetitive word left, maybe something with glue like glue holding the wood together in your cabinet? And that would rhyme with your scheme.
To me, the 3rd line of your 3rd verse as well sounds AI? This is more personal preference and all but I think “culinary coup” sounds overly polished, and not quite fitting with the darker lyrics of the song. To me that line sounds way too bright.
My favorite line is probably the broke a tooth it’s the economy’s fault. This song gave a pretty jolly vibe to me, like a sea shanty or something played in my head as I read it.
Overall likely needs some polish, abbreviated words and removing filler words like and. But of course that depends on your rhythm and melody. Also take this with a grain of salt I’m pretty new to this

1

u/goodluck-jafar 22h ago

This is really fun! I think verse III is my favourite - the kitchen takeover/culinary coup line is a standout

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u/Feeling_Risk6684 12h ago

Thanks!!!! Ive worked on it today added a verse line I like. My hours got cut this week, (and I) got fired last week too. and literally just added and looking up rhymes for, on the turnaround so tonight Im eating something that blank... So tonight I'm eating something my cat helped me find. Eating cockroach Gumbo, it's not bad with some wine! I hope it dont make me go blind? not bad if you add a cheese rind? state of mind, unrefined.

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u/Wooden_Dependent_982 1d ago

First ever song is ~30 mins

I cut myself to bleed out the pain but all that remains are the bloodstains,
I get high to escape the chains but all I find is rain pouring in my lane,

At the end of the tunnel there’s darkness no matter how much I try to prove my hardness,surrounded by fake fucks, I feel alone and shit out of luck

They say its a gift but all I find is strife in this life, try to mind my own business but everyone wants a fight tonight, keep dealing with abuse but all I want to find is a truce, richness outta sight, all I know is sickness and blight,

They say it’s one thing after another but all I want is some love from my brother, never mind my mother who has nothing but hate for me,all this emotion leads to my fate for me

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u/Particular-Yard6071 1d ago

Can someone please rate on this hook going into chorus? I've been trying to sing it so many times now that it feels like its cringe 😬

I'm writing a song about my best friend I don't speak to anymore, and there's still a lot if vitriol left in me so here u go:

They say real love is more than sex
Your name hurts more than of my ex's What's worse, break up, or burn it down?
Search up your old name and your town

I kinda hope that you envy
I kinda hope we will never meet again
You hated me being happy
Your ego's simply too big to understand

Fuck you
It wasn't good for me
Look for myself in your eyes when. you just can't see
Wish you best, cause old best friends
Hurt so much more fucking worse than the exes

Thanks!

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u/lineroom29 1d ago

The core idea is strong. Losing an old friend hurting more than losing an ex is specific and immediately relatable, and that is why the hook has a chance. If it is starting to feel cringe to you, I would guess it is repetition without a new detail, not the idea itself. Try swapping one repeat of the anger for one concrete memory, like a place you used to go together or a small habit you miss, so the feeling has somewhere to land. That gives the chorus a second gear without changing the hook. What is the one memory that still stings most? Start there and let the hook earn its repeat.

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u/AffectionateClock995 1d ago

Honest Man I had my walls built up so high But you made me feel like I could fly So brick by brick I tore them down And stepped into that wedding gown We built a life we called it home Now I’m crying on the floor all alone

I’m trying so hard to understand Whatever happened to my honest man I opened up I gave you heart And now it’s broken all apart All these questions flood my mind How did you continue with all the lies Trying to put the pieces back together What happened to my forever Make it make sense the best that I can But what I need most is an honest man

Never thought you could cause such hurt Drag my love through all the dirt Take all we had and throw it away While acting everyday like we are okay Broke my heart made a mess of me I was so blind how did I not see

I’m trying so hard to understand Whatever happened to my honest man I opened up I gave you heart And now it’s broken all apart All these questions flood my mind How did you continue with all the lies Trying to put the pieces back together What happened to my forever Make it make sense the best that I can But what I need most is an honest man

Laying awake night after night Trying so hard to make it right Doing the work in therapy To save our beautiful family Working everyday to do my part Cause I know I love you with all my heart

I don’t know if I can ever understand Whatever happened to my honest man Opening back up my heart Praying we can make a new start Heal my heart heal my mind Push away the memories of all the lies Can we put the pieces back together And hold onto what’s left of forever It doesn’t make sense but I’m doing the best that I can Praying that you can still be Honest … man.

0

u/lineroom29 1d ago

Honest Man works as an anchor because it is a claim the song can test, not just a title. The risk is that repeating it starts to sound like a slogan instead of a story. Try grounding one repeat in a specific moment of repair, like a therapy conversation or a small choice to tell the truth when a lie would be easier, so the phrase earns its return. That will also make the hope for a new start feel less abstract. Which moment in the repair felt hardest to say out loud? That is probably the verse detail this needs most.

2

u/CloverClubx 1d ago

Question, if I have only lyrics but sung it out (without a backup instrumental, like, I just picture how the song would go in my head and sing it acapella), does it count as only fit to be posted in Lyrics Only or can it be posted as a normal post in the sub

1

u/day__ruiner 1d ago

Do you remember how it goes?
Can you show me?

What if we weren’t so young?
Would you hold me?

What if I’m too cold?
Maybe it wasn’t her but I lost my nerve

What if she never calls?
Was I the only?

Was I the only?

Well anyway
Anyway

Watching starlight at sundown
I pick her face up in the crowd

Same eyes as always
But now she’s looking at me sideways

Well anyway
Anyway

If my hands were too rough
Didn’t hold you enough

Girl, what makes you so tough?

Well anyway
Anyway

What if her letters made me holy?
What if I don’t really know me?

What if I was the only?
Would it make this less lonely?

Well anyway
Girl, anyway

Well anyway
Anyway

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u/lineroom29 17h ago

The Well anyway refrain is interesting because it sounds like a shrug, and that shrug can hide a lot of feeling. That is also the risk. If it repeats too often, it can undercut the nostalgia and the question at the heart of the song. Try using it as a turn rather than a reset, like letting it appear once after a vulnerable line and then staying with the feeling instead of moving on. That way the refrain becomes avoidance the listener can feel, not just a filler. When you see that person again in the crowd, what do you actually want to say first? Answering that in one line could replace a later anyway and sharpen the whole lyric.

2

u/goodluck-jafar 22h ago

I really like the repeated ‘well anyway’s. Really authentic to how these kinds of thoughts are sometimes processed.

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u/SpitefulJuncture42 2d ago

i always find it easier to write when i'm not trying to make it a song yet, just letting the words be messy on the page first. what's everyone working on this week

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