Hey everyone, me again. I’m really struggling right now and need to vent. I hope that is ok.

I’m in my mid 40s and am struggling. I’ve had social anxiety my entire life and have never really developed social skills. My anxiety is through the roof at all times at work. I’m the quiet, awkward guy on the team. I do try to socialize at work but when I do talk, people will immediately ignore me and begin listening to anyone else if they start talking. This has happened on numerous occasions.

The internal pain I’m feeling is amplified by the fact that the only social feedback I get is that everyone or anyone is more valuable than I am. And the only reason I go there is because I need money to survive.

It just feels like this is my life and I’m doomed to live the rest of it this way. No friends, awkward, and unwanted by anyone.

There is nothing in my life telling me that I matter, that I bring worth, or am a worthy human being. And at my mid 40s it just feels like that’s just the life I’m going to live.

I know you all know exactly what I mean.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings. It just sucks and feels hopeless.

A big behavior associated with social anxiety is an obsessive monitoring of how other people behave, particularly how they respond to you and what you say.

I'm sure we're all familiar with this..... it goes like....

Me: [says something]

Everyone else: [no response]

Me, in my head, with social anxiety: "oh my god why did i say that?? im so awkward! nobody responded, they must have thought it was stupid! next time i should keep my mouth shut omgg!! i'm so embarrassed maybe i should leave.."

OR........

Me, in my head, WITHOUT social anxiety: [Nothing]

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.....Because it doesn't matter. People don't always respond to things other people say. It's not because what you said was stupid or wrong. You weren't wrong to say it.

People who talk a lot, don't talk a lot because they get amazing responses to everything they say. Often, when people do talk a lot, they get no response to, like, half of what they say. It's just that they don't care. They talk anyway. They probably know that people tune them out half the time, but it just doesn't matter. It doesn't embarrass them. They don't even notice when people don't respond, because they're not monitoring it.

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The monitoring behavior is one of the sneaky ways that SA keeps you trapped and miserable.

It convinces you that you were wrong to speak up, and that the answer is to shut up and stop speaking.

But the opposite is true. If you speak more often, you'll start to see that sometimes people do respond, sometimes they don't, and either way, it's totally fine.

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I can predict some responses to this:

"When I speak up, I say something really weird and people laugh at me!"

This is another trap that SA sets for you, one that's harder to get out of.

It happens for one of two reasons:

1. What you said wasn't weird, but you said it with so much tension and anxiety that it seemed weird.

2. What you said was kind of weird... not because you're inherently weird......but because you're so unused to speaking that your skills are a little rusty.

Either way, the solution is to speak MORE, not less!

But the social anxiety will keep you trapped because it will keep convincing you that it was SO HORRIBLE that people thought you were weird.

Someone without social anxiety would never fall into this trap at all, because even if people think they're weird, they don't care. They just keep speaking anyway.

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When you're trying to change beliefs, it's not about forcefully convincing yourself. As long as you're forcefully trying to convince yourself, there's always going to be another voice fighting back. Rather, it's about analyzing objectively and seeing what actually makes sense. When you see what makes sense, you don't have to convince yourself of anything, because it will just be self-evident.

Seeing what actually makes sense becomes possible when you observe the situation objectively..... and not just once, but many times..... and think about it critically, rather than just responding like a knee jerk according to your conditioned SA behaviors.

The worst thing about having social anxiety is when your mind just goes blank and even if you have built up the confidence to say something, no words are coming into your mind… or a few words are, but nothing that is relevant to anything or would make sense. Or everyone has already moved on. Then when someone speaks to me, I panic and just laugh awkwardly because if I don’t do that I’m just sitting in silence and that’s why people in high school thought I was mean and started bullying me for it. I’ve been like this for almost half my life and don’t know how to stop it. I’m better than I was but it feels worse now because I’m trying so hard. It also tires me out so much when I’ve not even done anything. I don’t even have friends online, literally just no one anywhere in the world. Like I’m nothing. I’m so sick of having no friends and feeling sorry for myself. It makes me feel angry but it’s not even anyone else’s fault and I know that. I’m so jealous of how others can just talk and connect and live. I want to feel connection but it’s like I barely exist. Why would anyone even want to be my friend?

I met a girl yesterday through an online platform for making friends. We connected because we seemed to have similarities in terms of career and goals, although we hadn’t talked much before meeting. We decided to meet and go for a run.

I was about 10 minutes late because I was coming from the office and had told her I’d eat something before coming. When we met, she seemed a bit rude from the beginning. We had agreed to walk towards each other, but she had already reached the spot and said something like, “Are you coming? If you’re not coming, I’ll start moving in the other direction and you can catch up.”

We eventually went for the run. We talked about our social lives and what we do on weekends. I told her I’m into music, play guitar, sing a bit, and hang out with friends. She said she currently only has one friend in the city, who is a colleague. We also talked about movies and shows, and she hadn’t really watched many of the things I mentioned. She told me about her dating experiences, situationships that never turned into relationships, and that she wants to eventually get into a relationship.

There were a few other interactions that stood out to me. At one point, while crossing a busy road, I crossed quickly because a car was coming, and she commented that everyone in the city seems to want to get ahead of vehicles.

Later, we were walking down a street with several dogs. I’m scared of dogs, so I suggested taking another street. She said I could stay on her left, but when two or three dogs started barking at us, she also agreed that maybe they should turn around. She then said, “Dogs can sense fear.” I said maybe they could tell I was afraid, and she replied, “Even I can sense that.”

At the end, we stopped for coconut water. I was genuinely excited about it, and she said, “Finally, you’re excited about something.” She also said I seemed introverted or shy.

After we finished the coconut water, she said, “You can book your cab/auto now.” In isolation that probably sounds completely normal, but combined with everything else, it felt dismissive to me.
What bothered me is that I felt like she was looking at me in a certain way because I was more polite, soft-spoken or introverted.

She herself wasn’t particularly great at making conversation, but she made comments about being confident enough to approach random people and make friends. And that she’s just not as interested to do that.

In hindsight, I started feeling increasingly angry because I felt like I had been polite and nice to her, while she seemed to be judging me or talking down to me. It made me think about whether being too polite or soft with people causes them to take you lightly.

Maybe she was actually being rude, or maybe that’s simply her communication style.

I’m obviously not going to text her, but part of me does feel like giving her a piece of my mind. I’m curious what others think. Was she actually being rude in these situations, or am I reading too much into it?

I think my anxiety has gotten really bad, to the point I am avoiding going to the doctors, dentist and just going out in general. I haven't gone to the doctors in a very long time..It's ironic because I want to get diagnosed so I can get help, but Its stopping me from doing so. I don't know what to do

I personally hide it as much as I can. I hate my social anxiety, but what I hate most is the fact that other people can observe it. I assume they are thinking I am an inferior person if they notice my anxiety. That I haven't grown up, that I haven't developed as much as they did, that they can connect with people and I can't.

I feel so inferior for having social anxiety. I can't separate the anxiety from myself, which means I have failed as a person. I have failed in growing up and becoming a functioning, confident, social and strong adult.

I hold on to the little bit of self worth that comes forth out of pretending I am not anxious. I pretend I am just a self-independent person that doesn't need others and that is confident in herself, in being a loner. I just don't speak and when I speak, I control my voice as much as possible. I have learnt to come across as confident, even though I'm dealing with so much anxiety inside.

It is ruining my life. I wanted to become a psychologist and studied 3 years for that, while now doing a master's program that has nothing to do with psychology because it is easier to handle jobs without too much communication.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier if people knew I deal with so much anxiety; like fellow students, my teachers, my boss, my supervisors, friends and family... I'd feel so exposed though, and maybe even less in control. Right now though, it is taking me a lot of effort to hide my feelings.

Are you guys open about your social anxiety? And if yes, do you feel others look down upon you or take advantage of you? I might have a very pessimistic mind but it is one of my fears.

My biggest problem is socializing. I don’t think I have social anxiety or anything, because I can approach people first, speak in public, ask questions, and do all that stuff when I need to. I have no problem doing those things, but when I’m actually interacting with people, I somehow become very cold and uninterested without even realizing it, even though that’s the complete opposite of how I feel

I usually don’t approach people first, but sometimes really interesting and nice people come up to me because they want to get to know me and talk to me, and I end up doing the same thing again. I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible, give cold, uninterested responses, and look depressed or annoyed, even though I actually really want to talk to them

I’m a really lonely person, and this happens every single time. People assume I’m not interested in them and eventually stop trying, and I end up alone again

Telling them that I actually want to talk to them feels awkward and way too personal, so I never say anything.
Because of this, I’m constantly regretting all the chances I’ve missed to make friends or build useful connections, and it’s honestly killing me

Networking is probably the most painful thing for me, especially considering my major. I feel like a complete loser because of it, and it’s very affecting my self-esteem

I've read the rules.

I feel like such a failure. I am so behind. The only jobs I've worked are non corporate things, like pet sitting, running a little small business reselling on ebay and mercari..etc..I made a lot doing that, but I finally applied for a big boy job today at food lion. I am so nervous. I felt like such a loser filling out the info because I couldn't put anything in for education because it asked for major. I have none. I have zero college education, no ged..Only homeschooled..but I did graduate HS. I was hot able to put this on the application bc it demanded the school name, and my major. I have neither. No resume. Nothing. Only thing I put was a family reselling business and I bet they'll laugh at that. I feel so scared but proud. I suffer with extreme social anxiety and panic attacks. I am awkward. Very quiet. I can talk to people but it is awkward. I cant do small talk. I can order food easily and ask for thints, talk to cashiers..but thats abt it... I have 20 dollars to my name. Am I cooked? I feel like I'll be a failure in life. I also got mocked for having no college degree. I am.very smart. I know my stuff, I am an atheist for reference...But ugh..

Am I cooked? Too old? First ever big boy job at this big age. I am anxious.

I was an straight-A student all my life, but recently I started skipping school a lot, getting worse grades (B/C instead of A, i know that it sounds like a joke for some people, but I have an intense straight-A student syndrome, so that should check up), and not studying.

I was in a really bad mental state and my family didn't help me at that time, so I think it was justified, but teachers don't know this so they just keep saying that I'm lazy. I know that I should just embrace it, because it's teachers, their opinion on you should really mean nothing (most of the time) and they can pick and nag on whoever they dislike for any stupid reason.

But I was a teacher's pet for a very long time, so it's really hard to me to handle all the criticism I get from them. Do you have any advices?

Typically I get anxious and avoid public spaces based on past experience where I haven't met much success even when I tried quite hard, not being a great speaker, not looking the best physically, being a bit awkward. This has led me to lasting anxiety where I don't feel like I belong in public spaces, that I am not worthy.

I noticed my life passed in the blink of an eye leaving me with only memories of being stuck in my room playing games alone.

Thinking of full sending it and just heading to a random social event like a dance class or dinner event and just meeting random people and seeing how it goes.

Any insight from people who previously had a similar life experience to me, and found a way out? Does just full sending work, or would you recommend another path.

My main goals is to improve my social skills, confidence and reduce my anxiety, and perhaps even find new platonic connections, and possibly even find a relationship.

yesterday i went to a concert and i was getting checked by the security guy fully expecting “hey, how’s it going?” or “hi, how are you?” and he said “good evening” to which i responded “good” and paused, thought about what just happened and looked at him like i know that was not the right thing to say and he looked very confused, and i just didn’t say anything else acknowledging it. looking back on it i feel like i could have said something jokingly to play it off but i already felt so weird throughout that interaction that it just ended with a “thank you.” i kept thinking about it all night and here i am next day still thinking about it even though i know i’ll probably never see that guy again/ he’s not thinking about it. what do you do when you say weird shit that doesn’t make sense and you can’t stop thinking about it?

I'm 25m and really introverted, with social anxiety. It sucks and I want to make a change. I just moved to a new town for work a few months ago. I have horrible roommates that don't even try to talk to me and are gross. I have been feeling depressed, lonely and isolated. I have always struggled to connect with people or find activities that I want to stick with. Most days I wake, go to work and then after work go home, smoke weed and veg. I want to create a more active social life and make new friends. When I first moved I was excited because I would be in a place with a college and more people around my age. I signed up for the local outdoor club, and a couple of other groups I thought I would be interested in. I had attended a few outdoor club events in the past, but slowly fell off and haven't been in a month or so. It has been hard to find the energy or motivation to go, I feel like my own worst enemy sometimes. I know that participating in these groups would make me feel better, allow me to socialize and meet new people, and just have fun. It would also allow me to get better at conversing and mingling with others. That is something I struggle with even in my job where I am out meeting people all the time. Usually at an event I find comfortable in just sticking by myself and the thought of just talking to others or introducing myself makes me anxious. Any tips or helpful advice is much appreciated.

How do you genuinely talk to people? I'm so fixated on everything that's I'm gonna say and I don't even know what to talk about and I'm just awkward for all the time and I actually hate this about myself, I've had feelings for this specific girl but I just don't know how to talk to her, or what to say to her when we're in a conversation or how to start a conversation. Like what do you even say or do after talking, I don't know how to express myself, it's actually holding me back in everything that I do everyday. I've never had a talking stage or any deep conversation with anyone ever

Most jobs ive had, I keep to myself. I keep my head down, I BARELY TALK, but I ALWAYS end up hearing someone talking badly about me. I’ve made myself so small just to avoid being a topic of conversation…every single time I hear something, it EATS ME UP. I REALLY STRUGGLE with knowing people are talking badly, but not having any idea what they don’t like about me.
I know I will continue to encounter these people for the rest of my life, HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT???? The way it is EATING me up and causing a pit in my stomach making me feel so sick, I can’t go the rest of my life without knowing how to better handle it. It’s caused me to avoid opening up in other scenarios, it’s caused me to avoid making friends. HELP.

Hello, I take propranolol for my social anxiety, and my doctor told me to take it every day. Sometimes I feel like my body has gotten used to it and that it doesn't really help with the shaking and stuff anymore. I was wondering if you guys take propranolol every day or just when needed?

reposting lol i read the rules!

so i'm in chicago and don't really have much friends but i want to go to the milwaukee brewers watch party game at a wisconsin pub in the city, alone.

But im getting in my head and anxious about going alone.

I'm 31W and idk maybe im overthinking it.

please hype me up to go.!!

I think it's the spotlight effect that makes me so embarassed to do it... Last time i did it i had a huge heavy package i had to pick up from the postal office so i felt a little better about it but i was still embarassed... it was just a 4 minute ride.

I have another package to pick up tomorrow which is lighter but i also wanna do my groceries in the same spot... and people walk with their groceries all the time but i was thinking to take the bus because it stops right infront of my apartment building. it would save me time and my hypermobile knees...

also i have a ticket i pay for each semester and can take any public transport without extra cost so its not like im paying for a 4 minute ride and buses come each 15 minutes.

Sorey if its a stupid post sometimes id rather torture myself thru something than feel like people are judging me...

I have a joking personality and tend to make people laugh. Sometimes I’m very extroverted and talkative and other times I’m quiet and just want to be by myself. It depends on my mood, and I don’t always feel like joking around.

The problem is that when I’m not being my usual funny self and am just acting normal, people assume that I’m upset or that something is wrong with me. I feel like because they’re used to seeing me joke around, they expect me to be that way all the time.

I’m not upset in those moments. I’m just in a neutral or quiet state. But because people have mostly seen me as the funny one, the quiet version of me seems to read as a mood change.

Has anyone else experienced this?

How do you deal with it?

For the record im Male 40

I've posted here before about my horrible social anxiety but I've taken action since then and im trying to change. Results are not promising though. I've been going to therapy, riding my bike while smiling and saying high to the people I pass. I've gone downtown and sat in a busy cafe while reading a book(how to make friends and influence people). Ive also been listening to a auido book on social anxiety.I try to make small talk with strangers. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone. I've also been trying to make friends and date online. Neither are going well. The consant, impassable obstacle I'm facing is texting. I HATE IT. Every word I type I question myself. I wonder if what im saying is too generic or uninteresting. Its never fun for me and I hate every moment. You see it all the time on ladies profiles "don't be boring" interested in fun conversation" I don't know how to be charismatic, funny or interesting. This also applies to friends as well. I feel like an alien in a skin suit sometimes, always trying to be a normal human but never quite getting it. I'm wondering if all this work I'm doing is pointless. If im not naturally any of those things then no amount of therapy or action will fix me.

I had a social situation (paying at a store) that felt really awkward and nerve wracking to me. I‘m disappointed that I am not improving and feel so bad for having social anxiety. Ever since, I feel depressed even though in the last months I started feeling less and less depressed.

Hello, I just wanted to vent a bit about this.

My country is currently in protests, and I'm participating in it. It's been really exhausting, since I have to be around a lot of people and it's safer to be part of a group. I feel bad for having to worry about this, I just wanted to protest, It's ridiculous to be in the middle of a catastrophic situation and all I can think about is how I can't say anything when people talk to me. I have mixed feelings about participating in this, as it's an opportunity for development and also a good cause, but at the same time I feel like I'm disturbing other people for being a shrinking violet.

I don't want to write much now, in short, I constantly think badly about myself after I make a mistake, in general I have very low self-esteem and it's just looking for something to cling to.

I recently played a game that I really liked, but I screwed up there and now I feel like I'm not worthy now of communicating with those I played with and who saw my mistake. This is my narcissistic ego telling me that love must be earned through hard work and effort, not just for nothing.

Do you have any advice that might make this easier?