I'm 23M, recently finished college, and I've finally landed a stable CS job that I'm genuinely excited about. The job is around 1,000 km away from home, in another state, and I’m supposed to join in January.
My problem is that my mother has already decided to move with me and did not even ask for my opinion.
I don't hate my mother. I love her, I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, and I know most of what she does comes from concern and wanting to protect me. But I desperately feel like I need to live on my own for once, make my own decisions, learn basic life skills, and experience adulthood before I eventually get married.
I don't know how to explain that to her without making her think I'm abandoning her.
Some family background
My parents are separated because of serious issues between them. My father has basically disappeared from our lives, and we don't know where he is at the moment. There has been a recent major fight between my parents, and my mother is still understandably very angry and emotionally affected by it.
My father's mother is also difficult and has caused problems for my mother, including being abusive and constantly involving herself in their situation. I've encouraged my mother to cut contact with her.
Financially, we're fortunate. We're an above-middle-class family and don't have any immediate financial struggles. We have three houses, two of which are rented out, and we live in the third. A lot of the financial stability and property decisions were built because of my mother's good financial decisions. My father also contributed financially, but he has historically been a heavy spender and drinks, so my mother has been the more financially responsible person.
My mother doesn't want to divorce because she's worried that it could create financial/property problems and that my father could potentially take advantage of the situation.
My mother's side of the family, however, is completely different. They're supportive and genuinely good to me. My grandmother is elderly but financially secure and has her own pension. My mother's sisters and my cousins are also settled and have always treated me incredibly well. They've bought things for me, spent money on me, supported me, and I've always been grateful for that.
Part of the reason I'm excited about this job is that I'll finally be able to earn my own money and take care of my mother and the people who have supported me.
Why independence is such a big deal to me
I grew up in a very strict household.
I wasn't allowed to have a phone until college. I had to be home before 6 PM. I had to tell my parents where I was going, what I was doing, and basically report everything. I wasn't really allowed to make decisions for myself, and my opinions weren't taken very seriously.
Even choosing my college and deciding what I wanted to do with my life wasn't really my decision.
Whenever there were arguments, I'd often hear things like, "We've spent lakhs on you," which made me feel guilty for wanting things for myself.
I was extremely introverted and quiet throughout school.
Then I went to college.
For the first time, I had some freedom.
And honestly, it completely changed me.
I became more social, started talking to people, explored different interests, participated in competitions, built skills, and became much more confident. I ended up doing quite well academically and became known around college for some of the things I was good at.
I was surrounded by people my age who were doing things that my parents would probably consider "bad," but I never got into drugs, smoking, drinking, or anything like that.
The important thing I learned was that I could actually be trusted to make my own decisions.
I just needed the opportunity.
Now comes the actual problem
I've been home for about six months after graduating.
I finally got this job, and it's basically the kind of CS job I've been hoping for.
But now my mother is suggesting that we move together to the city/state where I'll be working.
Just me and her.
And I'm honestly terrified that I'll end up living the exact same life there that I've been trying to grow out of.
She'll cook for me.
She'll clean for me.
She'll tell me I need to learn cooking before marriage.
She'll question what I buy.
She'll tell me what I should and shouldn't spend money on.
She'll worry whenever I go out.
She'll probably expect me to come home at a certain time.
And I'll once again feel like I'm living under someone else's rules instead of actually becoming an adult.
I know she'll say she's doing these things because she cares about me.
And I believe her.
But good intentions don't automatically mean the result is good for me.
One example that really explains how I feel
Last year, my father wanted to buy me a motorcycle.
I wasn't even particularly interested in getting one at first.
He insisted, and eventually we talked about it. He originally suggested something under ₹1.5 lakh, but I had researched the Triumph Scrambler 400X and really liked it.
I told him that I knew it was expensive and that I would be willing to contribute once I got a job.
He said he would buy it for me.
We agreed.
Then my mother, relatives, and even a random mechanic started telling me that I shouldn't buy it.
People questioned why I needed an expensive bike when I didn't even have a job yet.
My mother basically told me I was making a bad decision.
I fought about it because, for once, this was a decision I had actually made for myself.
I researched the bike. I compared things. I thought about it.
And eventually I bought it.
And guess what?
I haven't regretted it even once.
The mileage is good, it's comfortable, I love how it looks, and it's been a great bike for me.
But the bigger thing isn't the bike.
That was one of the first major decisions in my entire life that I actually made for myself.
And even that required a fight.
That's what scares me about moving away with my mother.
I don't want to be 27, 28 or 30 years old and still have to fight for permission to make normal adult decisions.
I also genuinely want to learn how to take care of myself
My mother has always done the cooking and most of the household work.
I know how to appreciate that now, but I also know that I haven't learned enough basic life skills because everything was always done for me.
I actually WANT to learn.
I want to learn how to cook.
I want to clean my own house.
I want to manage my own money.
I want to decide what I spend my money on.
I want to make mistakes and learn from them.
I want to figure out what kind of person I am when nobody is watching over me.
And honestly, I don't want to learn all of that while my mother is standing next to me correcting everything I do.
Not because she's a bad person.
But because I know exactly how that dynamic will go.
She'll tell me I'm doing something wrong, I'll get frustrated, she'll eventually do it herself, and I'll never actually learn.
Marriage is another reason I'm thinking about this
Eventually I'm going to get married.
And I don't want to go directly from:
"My mother does everything for me and controls most of my decisions"
to
"Now I'm suddenly expected to be a responsible husband and adult."
How am I supposed to properly take care of another person if I haven't even learned how to properly take care of myself?
I want to experience adulthood before marriage, not learn everything after marriage.
I want to become independent while I'm still single.
What I actually want to do
I'm not trying to abandon my mother.
Actually, I'd be willing to pay for her flights whenever she wants to visit me. She could come see me as often as she wants.
What I want is for her to stay with my grandmother and her sisters for a while.
I genuinely think that could be good for her too.
She'd be around people who love and support her, instead of sitting alone and constantly thinking about my father and everything that happened.
And I'd finally get the chance to build my own life.
I'd still support her financially.
I'd still call her.
I'd still visit.
I'd still be her son.
I just don't want to live with her.
But here's what I'm scared of
I know my mother.
If I tell her, "I don't want you to move with me," I'm almost certain she'll hear:
"My son doesn't want me."
She might say I'm abandoning her.
She might tell relatives that I don't care about her anymore.
She might refuse money from me out of anger.
She might stop talking to me.
She might insult me or make me feel guilty.
And because of everything that has happened with my father, she's already in a very vulnerable emotional state.
I'm worried that even involving my aunt would make things worse.
If my aunt tries to convince my mother, I can already imagine my mother thinking:
"My own son won't even tell me himself that he doesn't want me. He's getting other people to tell me."
I don't want that.
I don't want my relatives to think I'm some ungrateful son who abandoned his mother after getting a job.
I want to take care of my mother.
I just also want to take care of myself.
So Reddit, what would you do in my situation?
How do I tell my mother that I want to move out alone without making her feel like I'm abandoning her?
How do I communicate that:
"I love you. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I will take care of you. I will visit you. You can visit me whenever you want. But I need to learn how to live my own life now."
I'm not trying to escape my responsibilities.
I'm trying to finally learn how to handle them.
Note: This post was enhanced with AI for better readability and structure. The situation, feelings, experiences, and meaning are my own.
