r/Postpartum_Depression • u/Plastic-Republic-486 • 20h ago
Looking for guidance
Hello! I am a male (34) and looking for guidance on my fiancé's PP situation. She (35) has been in PP depression for 3 1/2 years now. She has not wanted to be intimate with me or even touch me (hold hands, kiss, back rub, etc) for most of this time as well. We've had sex once during this time and its causing an issue in our relationship.
I've done my best to support her. I take on almost all responsibilities with our child. She works full time as a nurse and is almost never home at a reasonable time. She has a stressful job. I work from home and do all the cooking, cleaning, and most of the child care. I try to make her life easier by taking these things on. I know shes depressed and struggling and she has taken some steps to get better (losing weight, doing projects she likes, getting nails and hair done regularly) but, none of these things have really helped her or our intimacy issue.
We had a conversation about this the other day where she admitted she would be fine with never waking up again. I offered to go to therapy with her but she refuses. She also refuses to go see her doc. She states "its just one more thing for me to do".
I want us to be loving, intimate, and happy again but all of our efforts are not working. I am not sure what to do at this point. We both admitted to being lonely. We started having one date per week now (at home since we have no childcare yet) the dates are fun but after, things are just the same. I like to leave her little notes on her car before she leaves for work. They usually say "thanks for taking care of us" or "have a great day beautiful " she doesn't ever respond to them. I think she just ignores them honestly.
Looking for some advice here from women who have gone through similar situations.
2
u/PlutosGrasp 14h ago
High functioning depression.
Ask to go to her doctor together and talk about it. Get a psych referral for sure and go together there too.
Try to get her to acknowledge that “fine never waking up” isn’t normal.
Medication is a double edged sword. Can improve mood in some ways. Blunt it in other ways. So you’ll also HAVE to do couples therapy together. Find gottman certified.
And. Hate to say it. Find a good divorce lawyer now. 3.5yr is a long time and pushing these issues probably isn’t going to go well or be easy. Lay the ground work with a lawyer to know what you’re looking at. Don’t feel bad. If roles were reversed it’s highly likely she would try to mop the floor with you legally. And you’re not acting on it yet. Just being prepared. You’re doing this step for yourself and your child. Last thing you want is mom to have even 50% solo care over your kid while she’s got pretty bad depression. Bad for children to have parents like that.
Good luck but set your expectations low.
To any other readers: act fast when such things happen.