Hi,

Im not sure how to start this off but i just wanna get this off my chest. Hope you're doing well. I dreamt of you a couple of times and wishing things didn't end up bad sa atin. I know it was my fault and I'm responsible for all the mess I made but despite all of that.. I really love you so much.. I'll always remember and treasure all our moments, good or bad. Hindi ko makakalimutan nga smiles mo and the way na happy ikaw. The way na tinatawag moko na baby. Yung moments na magkatabi tayo sa bed. Moments na sinusundo kita. Kinikita kita. I really miss all of you.

I'm really sorry din for all. Alam ko umalis ako bigla and I really just want to give you peace of mind na. Gusto ko maging truly happy ikaw.

If ever na may chance bumalik sa past at aayusin lahat. Gagawin ko pero I have to face reality na hindi possible yun.

I really love you so much and will always support you and cheer for you kahit malayo ako.

Hope you're doing well. Take care ka palagi.

I don't know what's harder anymore.

Missing you, being scared of losing you completely, or pretending that I'm okay with how things are between us now.

Maybe all three.

Kc araw-araw, parang may gusto akong sabihin sayo pero nd ko alam kung pwede pa ba.

I want to ask how you're doing. I want to know if you're okay, if you're tired, or if something interesting happened during your day. Sometimes may makita lang akong something funny or may maalala akong kwento, ikaw agad un gusto kong i-message.

Pero napapaisip ako.

Baka busy ka. Baka nd mo feel makipagchat. Baka masyado na naman akong makulit.

And sometimes, I end up not sending anything at all.

Ang hirap kc dati nd naman ako ganito sayo.

I could message you without thinking too much. I didn't have to worry whether I was bothering you or whether you still wanted to hear from me.

Ngayon, kahit simpleng message, minsan ilang beses ko pang binabasa bago ko isend.

And when you reply, I'm happy. Of course I am.

Pero may kasamang lungkot.

Kc habang nagchachat tayo, naaalala ko kung gano kadali lahat dati. And I know that once our conversation ends, I have no idea when we'll have another one like it.

I miss you so much.

And I'm scared.

Scared that one day, you'll become so comfortable with your life without me that you won't feel the need to message me anymore.

Scared that what we have now will slowly fade until there's nothing left.

Kaya kahit mahirap, I'm still here.

Trying to be okay with being your friend, even though that's never what I wanted.

And sometimes, napapagod na din ako.

Not because I'm tired of loving you.

But because I'm tired of holding back.

Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong gustong itanong. Ang dami kong gustong ikwento sayo.

Pero lagi kong iniisip kung ano un dapat at hindi ko dapat sabihin.

I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want you to feel pressured. And most of all, ayokong may magawa akong maging dahilan para tuluyan kang lumayo.

Pero minsan naiisip ko, hanggang kailan ako ganito?

Hanggang kailan ko kailangang itago un nararamdaman ko para lang manatili ka sa buhay ko?

I know you offered me friendship.

And I accepted it.

But I wish you knew that accepting it doesn't mean I'm happy with it.

Kc ang gusto ko pa din, tayo.

I still want to be the person you look forward to seeing. The person you miss. The person you want beside you.

I still want to be loved by you.

And I wish I knew if there's still a chance for that.

Minsan gusto na lang kitang tanungin nang diretso.

May pag-asa pa ba ako sayo?

May possibility pa ba na bumalik un feelings mo?

Or am I holding on to something that you already know is over?

Pero natatakot ako sa sagot.

Kc kahit alam kong mahirap umasa, mas natatakot akong marinig na wala na talaga.

So I keep those questions to myself.

And I pray.

I pray that someday, things will change between us. That maybe you'll start missing me differently. That maybe you'll remember what we had and want to try again.

I don't know how or when.

Basta sana.

Kc sobrang mahal pa din kita.

And I don't know how to make that feeling smaller just because our relationship has changed.

I thought loving you was the easiest thing in the world.

Now, I don't even know how to show it.

I still love you the same. I just don't know where I stand anymore.

And I wish, more than anything, that someday I won't have to be afraid of loving you again.

Damn those were the days. I miss that old school, rnb kind of love we had. It was easy, pure and natural. The attraction between us was just strong and intense and it felt like nothing can pull us apart. Nowadays, love feels like a transaction. Like give me this, I give you that. People have become selfish so they just use others. Its robotic and the love is nowhere and the energy is off. *sigh* If I could only relive those times with you. Yeah we were so naive but who cares? We liked and cared about each other so much, thats what matters!

Earlier kanina, I was out on my usual walk and yung ihip ng hangin parang pang Pasko na. Parang na-advance yung madilim na agad kahit pa 6PM pa lang. Naisip nanaman kita. Kase kung naguusap pa tayo, for sure ikukwento ko to sayo. Di ko alam. I'm trying to get you out of my system pero para kang kabute na bigla bigla na lang susulpot sa isip ko. Napaka unfair kase it's not like you feel the same way.

Sumasagi ba ko sa isip mo? Inis na inis na ko sa mga tarot readings na dumadaan sa page ko kase lahat yon ang sabi e iniisip mo din ako, na kesyo within this coming days or weeks daw e magrireach out ka. Ilang months na ba since yung no contact natin pero wala pa rin. Pero kahit na inis na inis na ko sa false hope na binibigay ng mga tarot readings na yon, I still silently wish na sana nga mag reach out ka.

When I see the stars in the night sky o kaya when the moon is shining brightly, no matter what phase, I think of you. Ang tanga lang sobra.

Di ko sinasadyang mabasa yung last conversation natin. And what I realized is how much open I was with you. Where I would usually brush off things, with you I didn't. Kaya lang ewan ko if you even noticed.

For someone na isinara na yung puso nya to love for the longest time, you're the first person who made me open up to love again. Maybe that's why ang challenging na alisin ka sa isip ko.

You were the green flag I never saw coming. I miss you and I think of you and sometimes I wonder if I will ever even meet someone who can make me feel more than you did.

I miss you. It's crazy to pretend that I don't think of you. But as a sign of respect sa sarili ko, I won't be reaching out to you kahit na every cell in my body wants to.

Bakit? Kasi lately, lalong nagiging claro sakin na maybe your last message wasn't really an invitation to come back when I'm ready. It was a well thought move disguised as a genuine goodbye for now.

I could be wrong but then I could also be right. Your action or inaction proves it either way and deep inside, I know you know it too.

Sayang tayo.

Almost 2 weeks na without comms, and I gotta admit, ang hirap sobra. Nakakabaliw. I know ako yung may gusto nito, I pushed you na putulin na kung ano yung meron satin, kasi di pa kita kayang patawarin, nasasaktan ako pag naaalala yung panloloko mo sakin, pero ngayong tuluyan nang nawala yung comms natin, nasasaktan din ako. Ang weird lang noh, kung sino pa yung nakasakit sayo, sila pa rin yung gusto mong mag comfort sayo. Gusto kong malaman kung kamusta ka na, although alam ko naman na happy ka with your new girl, ako kung tatanungin mo, okay din naman, nag fa-function pa naman, kelangang lumaban eh, malapit na lumabas anak natin. Last check up ko okay naman siya, healthy, malikot. Alam mo ba, Araw Araw kong pinipigilan yung sarili ko na kontakin ka, alam kong masama sa buntis pero may mga gabing di ko talaga mapigilang umiyak, mahal pa din kita pero alam kong tama lang na ganito yung nangyari satin, alam kong di ka na mag babago, at palagi mong pipiliin na mambabae, kaya pinapalaya na kita. Maging masaya ka sana sa mga bago mo. Pangako aalagaan ko tong anak natin. Goodbye babi 👋

You're accusing me of something I didn't do. You force me to end everything kahit ayaw ko. How to move forward. How to let go.

I am an innate woman. Inborn.

I judged someone out loud when I was in high school. That's why I had to experience to be let down by many other people, some are strangers, some aren't.

So yes, I made a big mistake in the past which made a mark on my reputation..

But it doesn't change and won't be MY WORTH,

I am trying,

Won't you believe?

Well, my proof is I read the gospel in year 2025 and there is no month where I never tried to make myself into a better woman.

I tried not because to be loved,

I tried because I chose to not give up being a happy person,

Because I like making myself happy.

have a peaceful week ahead 🫶

Can we be best friends and lovers? Be ridiculously obsessed with each other without playing games? Communicate instead of assuming, reassure instead of disappear, and choose each other without making love feel like a guessing game?

I want the butterflies, the late-night talks, the stupid little dates, the random “this reminded me of you” moments, and the kind of love that makes ordinary days feel extraordinary.

I want a love that’s exciting but safe, passionate but peaceful, and intentional without having to beg for it.

Maybe that’s the most unreasonable thing to ask for in this generation: a love that’s mutual, consistent, and real.

So, are you in? Because I am.

O' Freyja, I called out to her in my drunken stupor.

My consciousness slowly returned, yet still fading in and out. My head laid on her lap, the fluorescent bulb shone behind her seemingly like a halo.

She was my goddess, vodka, my foe, and I laid there like a beleaguered warrior who couldn't handle his opponent.

I reached out to her, my palm on her face, yet she remained still, her eyes seemed to study me, as if to take in every detail.

"Freyja", I called out to her softly, a shy drunken smirk crept on my face. "Why Freyja" she asked, as she ran her fingers through my hair.

It was too soothing, I slurred my words, and mumbled. I tried, I felt my mouth move, but no sound came out.

I didn't bother trying to stay awake, if I were to pass out drunk, there's no where I'd rather be.

It's been over ten years since then, and I understand why it's best described as a "core memory". Some details may get muddy, or maybe, even outright wrong.

But there are sections, details of said memory you can sharply remember, and describe. 

So here I am, writing this down, mostly for myself. But if this letter finds you, I hope you're doing well.

hi you. alam ko na may bago ka ng partner. im happy for you. and narealize ko masakit nga pala talaga feeling pag nalaman mong may bagong partner na yung ex mo. masakit dahil minahal ko ng tunay at wala ng “pero” kasi dapat masaya na ako na masaya na ang taong minahal ko. at ang pag bitaw ay di pag suko, ito’y pag usad. wag ka ng lumingon at wag ka ng mag alala. mahahanap mo ako kahit saan, pero di mo na ako makikita.

sa paghahanap ng kapayapaan, natagpuan ang pagsuko. sa pag hangad ng lahat, binigyan ng kawalan.
Wala akong nakuha sa mga gusto ko, pero nakuha ko ang lahat ng kailangan ko.

uhh friend,

i still think about it, almost moment of everything (vividly & explicitly). i did my best talaga to move forward, and heal away, ang unfair lang ng brain na meron paring remnants na naiwan mo sakin. on a random day, it just hits me, almost everything.

ion wanna recall no more, universe.
it’s pure mental torture.

i want my peace, i need you to be good in your school and finish well. no ill will just prosper away from me.

but deep inside, i want you near, at least before i plan to leave this c*ntry. kahit magka salubong lang makita kong masaya ka na kasi sure ako di kita lalapitan at papansinin. alam ko matagal mo ng gusto makamit yang pangarap mo. tapusin mo ah.

sana mag bago kana rin.

i wonder what it would be like if i had a family i can count on.

would i be less afraid to leave a relationship at the first sign of abuse?

would i have the courage to take a leap of faith and become everything i could hope for?

would i make more mistakes because i know i have people who have my back whenever i fail?

would i not try to find the love i’m missing from lovers coming and going just to fill the emptiness?

would i be happier in life?

i wonder what it would be like to have a place i call home.

somewhere to return to when i’m beat up, when i need to feel loved.

It's been a while

I'm writing again

Stumbled upon our old convo

And the memories played in my head uninvited

Accompanied by the playlists I made that reminded me of you.

\

Why? Thought I already move forward?

My mind is in rewind.

But I can't go backward.

Wish I could say, "Can you take me back?"

I miss our long calls

I miss the banters

I miss... yo?

But I would never go back again

Can't go back.

Too bad.

\

It's been a year or two,

I'm still left in the past.

Why is my clock frozen in time?

While yours, flows right on the dot

Happy for you

I really do.

\

Sometimes, I kinda miss the idea of you

Or maybe, the version of me that liked you

A bit bittersweet

I can't reach you anymore

I won't.

\

I feel stuck.

Left behind?

I'm still here dealing with my old bad habits

While you are already caring for a garden.

\

It's exactly 2am right now

And I thought I moved on long ago

Why do I put these earphones on and listen to the hymn of the past?

\

I don't know how to end this free verse

Or maybe I don't wanna close it

This is unfinished

Maybe a wishful thinking.

But the story of us did not even had the chance to start

It ended just like that

Just the way I planned.

\

Such an avoidant.

You were never part of the plan

But I let myself feel those emotions

for the sake of experiencing it?

Got caught up

But at the same time,

I got past that

And I

Got no bye

The end.

\

-Jamy

I’m still mad at you for hurting me. And honestly, I’m still trying to process everything. Pero damn, I miss you. I miss talking to you, having you around and all the little things. Ang unfair lang na I can be this hurt by you and still find myself longing for you. I wish I didn’t miss you this much.

Hi Stranger. Today marks a milestone I achieved after we separated ways. As much as I don't want to think about you again, you're the first person I'd like to tell about this win. So I'm just going to leave this here. I hope you're doing fine. I miss you.

Its been more than 24hrs since we last na usap natin were not in good terms and we ended it just like that. Its my fault kasi naging selfish ako and hindi ko inisip ung feelings mo.. minamadali kita mga bagay bagay na alam kong hindi k pa ready and for that i am sorry..not sure kung mababass mo pero gsto ko lng sabihin na mahal n mahal kita and salamat kasi nakaramdam nnmn ako ng kilig na matagal ko ng hindi nararamdaman hanggang dito nlng siguro tadhana na bahala kung magkikita pa tayo ulit..sana...

My whole life I never once found myself to be attractive, until I saw your love for me in your eyes. I turned out to be the family failure, and you still looked at me like I deserved your love. I don’t even know what I wanted to say, I’m just rambling again as always love. I miss flexing and giving you a bite of my biceps. They’ve grown bigger now and I lost more weight. I see them pop now all the time and think about you asking for a bite. Being with you love truly felt like I was in a dream. I was blessed to have you meri jaan. I’m so sorry I tried reaching out, I became selfish and wanted to feel your presence. I’ve been trying so hard to not hate myself love since I promised you, but the way my family treats me…just makes me think how anyone could love me. It makes me really believe at times I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness. I don’t think you’ll ever see this, but if you do my love. I’m upset at myself for trying to come back and ruin your peace after I’m the one who tried to leave to make you happy. I know I promised several times before love, but I’m truly sorry and promise you that was the last time I try. I promise to be contempt from now on with our memories and photos. Please go to your checkups. Mahal kita sobra meri jaan sobra ☺️

Hi B,

No matter what I do I still think of you. Reminiscing our memories, looking at our pictures and yours, places we went to. I still miss us, the old us.

I never get the chance to say that I love you. You're the only woman that I fell so hard specially in just a short period of time. I'm glad that I met you even if you're not with me anymore.

I'll cherish all those memories that we had, our banters, Q&As, where would we eat next, rants about everything.

I hope that when you find your next partner he will be your last. Someone that won't let you experience all the bad thingsthat you experienced before and one that will always be there for you.

I love to see you fulfill all your dreams even if I'm just a spectator here now watching all your stories in socmed.

I'm still wishing that it would be us in the end. Still can't accept it but I guess this is where we part ways.

I miss you and I love you.

Hey, kumusta ka? Ever since nakikita ko stories na andun ka, lagi ko napapaisip na “kumusta kana kaya?”. Gusto ko lang rin marinig ulit mga kwento mo or kahit mabilisang paguusap lang. Napapaisip lang naman ako, ayoko na ulit yung tipong ako lagi mag uumpisa ng paguusap natin.

Wala lang, bigla lang kita naisip ulit. Miss na kita pero slight lang naman.

K,

Kumusta? Hindi ako magaling sa Physics, pero maihahambing ko sa rumaragasang motor ang existence mo. Sakto at mahilig ka sa mga sasakyan. Alam mo ba, madalas akong mairita sa matutuling sasakyan sa daan lalo na kung mabagal, malumanay, at gusto kong enjoyin ang paglalakad ko. Pero nang isang araw na walang pasa-pasabi kang dumating, estranghero kang dumaan sa akin nang wala akong paghahanda, pero hindi ako nabagabag, hindi ako nainis, naingayan, o nairita. Ang dulot mong inertia, ang pinakapayapang regalong natanggap ko noong umagang 'yon. Tulad ng motor sa daan, kinamanghaan ko ang consistency at stability na bitbit mo, kamo nga, "You know where to find me", sa tuwing sumeseplang ang kaluluwa ko at nawawala na lang bigla, sinusundo ako ng dulot mong kapanatagan. Tinutubos mo ako sa kalungkutan. Maraming salamat. 

Pero tulad ng newton's first law of motion, napapabagsak din ng external forces ang stability ng isang motion. Ang circumstances ng ating layo at pagitan ang hadlang sa isang chill ride, ito ang ating external forces. Na akala kong mas matulin tayo rito, pero baka hindi, mukhang hindi. Baka tulad ng motor na matulin, andito ka para enjoyin ko ang revving ng iyong pagdaan, mabilis, malakas, pinakapaborito kong sound wave. May isang araw kayang mananatili ka at hindi aalis? May isang araw kaya na pwede kang mahawakan nang matagal para maramdaman ko ang iyong realidad? Hindi ko alam. Mag-ingat ka kung saan papunta.

Akong nadaanan mo,

J.

M I don’t want you to read this, I know you won’t be able to handle it emotionally and just hate me. People call me crazy but they never knew the truth and will never understand. They always think that I was saying you’re avoidant para siraan ka pero. That is not true, they only see the surface, the soc med, the mask, not internally. They don’t know the walls, your past, They don’t know what deactivation and they don’t know what caused it most of all the pain that you give not just to me but also to 6 other people before me. I'm saying this out of experience I ignored the red flags I had faults. 

Yes I was deeply hurt if you would ask me if I regret my actions crying that day of the discard not a single bit not because what I did was right or wrong but it showed the love and care that I had for you. I genuinely loved you with all my heart Madeline yun ang naging rason.

You never showed me your true self. You always hid behind the mask because you would be scared that you won’t be loved for not being yourself. I’m not going to lie If i knew you were avoidant I wouldn’t have pursued you. I know many people have said this to you already from your past: you don’t have the capacity to give love only to receive that’s unhealthy and unfair for the other person. Not to mention you wasted my last year here in PH.

I’m not blaming you for becoming who you are. It’s not even your intention to hurt people and it’s not your fault you had an upbringing or other traumas that caused this pero it also doesn’t excuse the amount of pain you bring to other people because of your avoidant attachment when you have the choice to heal. I wish I could help you so that you can have a healthy relationship with other people but I can't. It breaks my heart to know you'll be repeating the same patterns you have until the day you had enough yourself. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful life ahead of you. I love you but I have to let go I have a future ahead for me in another country I have new things to do and new things to experience and new people to meet.

PH will only be a graveyard of pain that I experience not only from you but for other people who will never know the truth of my character spread by your lies to defend yourself because that's who you are.

Self, tama na. Ilang siopao na nabigyan mo ng feeling (filling) sa sobrang asa-do mo.

Talo ka, that's it. You have to sit with the fact na sumugal ka tapos natalo ka. Hindi ka nya gusto, hindi nya nakita na worthy ka to be included in his life.

Hindi mo kailanman maiintindihan kung bakit ganun ang nangyari sayo kasi some things are meant to never make sense. Wala ring pakialam ang universe sayo so yung pagtugtog ng songs na dinedicate mo sa kanya out of nowhere doesn't mean anything. The universe isn't giving you signs.

Hindi rin mangyayari yung dina-daydream mo na you'll cross paths again in the future and maybe by then things will work out. That's never going to happen. Simple lang naman ang sagot sa tanong mo, if he wanted to, he would and because he didn't bother, you know that he would never.

Oo, malungkot at masakit kasi first time mong makaramdam ng ganun toward a person. You've never felt something so intense that even your past heartbreaks shrunk in comparison to the heartbreak you're experiencing now. Hindi ka makakain, your mood has permanently been altered, the simplest of things trigger your sad state and no matter the distraction, the deep and profound sadness you feel stays.

Pero please, I'm begging you. Ayusin mo na. Don't let your life fall into ruin over a person. Hindi ikaw to. It's not like you to mourn a love that never materialized. Before any of this happened, diba natanggap mo nang love is not for you? Diba natanggap mo nang hindi ka ikakasal in this lifetime? Diba natanggap mo nang masaya ka being in your own company? So why are you this devastated over a guy?

Why are you so desperate to share your life with someone who doesn't even care? Why do you choose to yearn over people who don't even see you?

Tigilan mo na, please. Pagod na pagod na ako sa mabigat na feelings na lagi mong dala-dala. Kalimutan mo na, please. There's so much more to life. So please, I'm begging you, tama na.

Good night, bal Sweet dreams. Make sure to take your medicine on time, Get well soon, miss na kita kakwentuhan. Ang daming ganap lately, but that's life. See you soon!