r/PakistaniiConfessions • u/vbothered • 1h ago
Discussion Sahil Adeem’s latest podcast
I watched the podcast this morning, and it was a very interesting debate. I really wanted to discuss it with someone, but I had no one to talk to about it, so I thought I’d come here and share my thoughts.
- The first point he made, about women being unconsciously brainwashed into following the archetype set by men, was very true. The conventional standards of beauty, success, intelligence, and femininity set by men have long been fed to women, teaching them to fit into those boxes to feel relevant. But it is high time we stopped and thought about what and whom these standards actually serve.
Women need to educate themselves about their rights. I have personally struggled a lot with the standards of beauty, success, and intelligence. I have been someone who questions everything and looks for rationale in everything my whole life, so I have been fighting these standards for as long as I can remember.
I have never been “conventionally pretty” or “conventionally successful.” I would always question who decided what beauty looked like and what determined a person’s success. Very early in my life, I freed myself from the pressure of looking pretty or being successful. I identified my own version of beauty and success, set my own standards in life, and made those my benchmarks.
As freeing as it may sound, it is extremely difficult and challenging to sustain. It is an incredibly isolating experience. Which brings me to my second point:
- It is inherently unfair to blame women for their suffering. There is no oppression without an oppressor. You cannot tell an oppressed person that it is their fault for not studying, exercising their rights, and refusing to give in. I completely understand that it is up to women to take charge of their lives, educate themselves about their rights, and tolerate no bullshit. We have seen this happen more often lately than we did in the past. But at the same time, the quiet and persistent brainwashing has conditioned women to try their best to fit into the box of a “good woman.”
Like he said, women did not even realise the ways in which they were being manipulated and abused. A daughter was told that a good daughter is compliant, that she lets her father decide whom she will marry, so she tried her best to be a good daughter. She then stayed in a difficult marriage her entire life, gave everything she had, and tried to be a good wife. All these definitions of “good” were defined by men.
These are the lives and realities our mothers have lived every single day, all while not even knowing how to operate a desktop or sign a cheque. Let's not reduce a reality to a simple blame game of "who stopped you from educating yourself?".
I believe a woman is compliant and obedient when she is thriving in a safe environment. If I were given a home where I felt safe, happy, and successful, where I had a warm and loving environment, I would do whatever you asked of me. I would be obedient and compliant. But women have been expected to do the same even under unfavourable and unfair conditions. And in such circumstances, refusing to comply is their right. It is a basic human right to say no when something is unjust or goes against your well-being, isn't it?
Women are nurturers by nature. They follow the lead when they feel no threat in doing so. But men have persistently failed to be leaders and providers, and yet women have been forced to be nurturers. And if women ever tried to rebel or educate themselves, they would be stripped of all their goodness in an instant.
The fear of having it all stripped away, of losing everything you have built in a moment, is paralysing. Society has paralysed women and trained them to perform within a box. You cannot blame a patient for being sick, and psychological wounds are among the hardest to recover from.
Which brings me to my next point:
- It is absolutely the parents’ responsibility, both the father’s and the mother’s, to raise children who know their basic rights and understand how to survive in society. I absolutely hate the fact that he said, “Machis ki teeli se lekar behri jahaz tak mardon ne kyun ijaad kiye? ’Cause they don’t wanna look pretty.”
I understand the point he was trying to make, but the way he summed it up was absolutely horrendous.
Mardon ne behri jahaz isliye ijaad kiye kyunke is society ne betiyon ko ghar pe bitha kar beton ko parhaya hai.
And let’s not forget all the times women have been stripped of the credit they deserved for their inventions. But that’s a debate for another day.
You can only claim that women have failed to avail themselves of opportunities if they have lived in a society where women were actually given equal opportunities.
Children are a huge, huge responsibility, and that responsibility belongs to both parents. Society needs to do better by its children. We need to do a better job of raising our children.
Bringing up my two younger brothers, whom I try my best to educate and raise into good human beings, has made me realise just how immense and overwhelming a responsibility it is to be entirely responsible and accountable for another human being. We need to stop having children just for the sake of it, and take actual accountability for the society we have built, and start thinking of ways to fix it.
