Wrote a little something about the types of cyclists I come across in London, thought this community might enjoy!
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I turn to my head right to see a commuter cyclist on their way home flying up the outside of the bike lane, nearly clipping the wingmirror of a stationary car as they make it over to the other side and through the lights, back home to Walthamstow or wherever they came from this morning. Commuters are the worst species of cyclist in London. As they know the route so well, they know where and how to shirk urban cycling etiquette to reduce their precious commute time from 32 minutes to 28, leveraging both the fact that pedestrians will stop out of fear of being hit, and cars will stop out of fear of hitting. I have seen multiple civilians, that were not quite 100% switched-on, essentially bisected and then screamed at by commuters, that I suppose were technically in the right by the letter of the law, flying round blind corners at 19mph. The same commuters will then violate these laws and not even apologise as vehicles are forced to emergency stop and then swear and beep profusely at the cyclists they would have mown down if they themselves were not fully lucid.
My observational data indicates that commuters tend to stick to bike lanes. I’m not sure why this is. There might be something here about pack safety, hunting as a group perhaps. You would imagine the whole raison of the act of cycling for commuters is to squeeze commute time towards 0, so it’s surprising to me that you don’t see more of them weaving through side-and-back-roads.
This tends to be the territory of couples on e-bikes, amongst others. Invariably the speed and risk appetite of the two parts of these couples will not be equal, so one will always be out in front waiting after junctions, looking backwards, becoming agitated. Note however this is not necessarily the individual with the responsibility of directing the couple; you’ll often hear shouts of “Which way?” from the risk-loving half out in front. These couples are always for some reason attractive, young, and cool. They’re usually heading to London Fields.
Looking left now, a pack of marauding youths, also on (a collection of various) e-bikes do the cycling equivalent of sauntering across the left set of lights, then forcing pedestrians to stop in fear of being separated from the pavement on the other side. Surprisingly, I don’t hear the clicking that would indicate the bikes have been hijacked in some way. Like a lot of things packs of London teenagers do, this is annoying and you find yourself tutting at the youth of today but it’s basically fine if you just stay out of their way. YOEs are the biggest users of the controversial cycling terrain that is usually the kingdom of non-cycling peasants: the pavement. Not that other cyclist species do not utilise this terrain. They do. But YOEs are the only species who do it unapologetically, whereas others cower as they weave very slowly to some cafe or bike lock.
These bike locks are used largely by normal people. Those who just have a bike to get around the city, who don’t particularly care about frame geometry or tyre pressure PSI. In fact, they don’t really seem to care all that much about their bikes, at all. Normal people seem to have converged on the idea, due to the bike theft epidemic, that if you want to lock your bike up out in public, it better be a shitty bike. Thus a divergence in those who deploy a cavalier locking policy and basically let the bike degrade into disrepair before just simply buying another one for a few hundred quid from Facebook Marketplace (definitely not stolen) or a second-hand bike shop (definitely not stolen, either) vs. those who are comically paranoid about bike thieves and so only leave their bikes locked to a rack in a locked room on private property.
You’ll also find, on the pavement, delivery drivers parked outside McDonalds/Nandos/a random chicken shop. I know these guys have a bad rep, but there’s no denying the sheer volume of hours they spend cycling around London. Primarily these cyclists are directed by some type of GPS and so use all types of terrain. Cycle lane, backstreet, pavement, A-road, going the opposite way on a one-way street, etc. Unlike commuters who optimise one path from A to B, delivery drivers optimise for general path speed. They know all the little tricks to save time. They know how to live on the edge of the rules.
Obviously here I am in no way advocating breaking the rules. But just know that a United Kingdom under my control would allow for competent cyclists to shirk some minor technical road laws to greatly improve the overall efficiency of the system. Libertarian cycling laws for competent cyclists, essentially. E.g. if one can combine the fact that all lights are red to cyclists and green to pedestrians + the fact that there are no pedestrians crossing directly ahead at either the first set of lights or the second = the path forward is free and open and so what’s the harm, really, of crossing?
Sure, delivery drivers do get it wrong, often. But my observational data indicates they do so without nastiness. Indifference, apathy, blank stares as they break late as you’re crossing a zebra, sure. But the venom of a commuter throwing a hissy fit as you make a slight error that leads to a 10 second increase in their commute time, no.
I’m sitting here waiting directly behind a MAMIL, kitted-out absurdly in a matching skin-tight Rapha ensemble, one shoe clipped in, the other smacking the ground like a clog.
When one usually talks of the general insufferability of cyclists, one’s mind is typically drawn towards MAMILs. And sure, on country lanes where they fan out in a sort of cavalry charge formation, I sympathise. But in London, they are harmless. More than that, actually. Knowing some of this species personally I really do hate to say it but - they represent the gold standard. Relaxed, competent, communicative, and sensible. If I was cycling behind someone, if I was a pedestrian crossing the road, if I was a car turning right, I’d want to see a MAMIL above any other type of cyclist.
The lights change and I slowly accelerate forward…
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Note this was originally posted on Substack here.