My mother did something so cruel and evil. I had to cut ties with her. I tried talking to her before I left but I got emotional when she wouldn’t listen. She then chastised me for crying and getting upset refusing to understand she was wrong in any way. She lost her friends because of what she did to me. She spoke about it openly like she had done nothing wrong.

Once I parted ways I started to see how evil they were. My sister is a good start. She is a hair dresser and refused to do my hair. If I did it myself or got someone else to the whole family would shout at me. Then there’s my dad. Since the estrangement he drives past my house constantly. If he sees me it’s the same smirk, wave and beep of his horn. I nearly lost my home as he started putting false reports in to my landlord and various other places. I never attempted to cut my sister or father off they naturally gravitated to my mothers flying monkey status. It wasn’t until after the estrangement I realised things weren’t normal. Going to the hair salon was a huge eye opener for me too. I hate them all and I do not miss them or desire a relationship with them.

So what was it for you that made you go NC? And do you miss them?

I don't know why but I guess I developed this habit years ago because I was trying to find a particular thing and I couldn't, so I started 'weeding out' unimportant ones.

This sub became somewhat therapeutic and showed my progress in my estrangement journey, so I kept them.

What would you do? Do you delete your activity or keep it

In my country you can't call police for 'mom is harrassing me' , you will be seen as the problem.

They will tell you take the mom inside and do as she says.

I'm in my 40s and I am done with all of my family.

My last meeting with her was with a lawyer present. As you can tell, she doesn't care about boundaries , she knows she has the upper hand and enjoys tormenting me.

She 'missed' sadistically playing with me. She never had a healthy relationship with me. Our relationship hasn't soured after a certain point, I was an unwanted child from day one, I have always been treated badly, yet she 'misses' me.

By the way everyone is blocked, I don't how how her messaged reached me from the blocked app.

I thought I was done with this, clearly they aren't done with me

What do I do?

TL;DR -- Checked Facebook for semi-valid reasons. A post tagging my dad came into my feed. Curiousity got the better of me. He posts about me in a gloating manner and everyone in his current social circle seems to be under the impression we have a great relationship.

Longer story:

There was a natural disaster in my hometown which is located about 2000 miles or 3.2k kilometers from where I now live. I checked in with loved ones and made sure they were okay. I wondered if anyone I knew from high school was affected and had a fundraiser I could donate to, so I checked Facebook.

While scrolling I saw a post that tagged my father, who I've been semi-NC with since I was 12. I say, semi-NC because I did have to contact him when I was 17 and when colleges wanted to know about his finances for need-based scholarship purposes because I guess the level of poverty i was living in seemed incredulous?

Anyways, my bio dad contacted me on Facebook when I was 23; I told him to leave me alone and blocked him. I'm now in my 30s and it seems in the last few years he has made multiple profiles in which he has posted about me...linking papers and articles I've written, publications I've been interviewed and featured in.

Everything he's shared is technically legal to share and they are things that -- on their own -- I'm very proud of! However, given what he's done to me as a child and other girls in the past, it sickens me that he Googles me, finds my professional publications, and posts them knowing what he's done to me. I'm incensed by the people commenting on these posts saying they hope to meet me someday and how proud he must be of his "beautiful and brilliant daughter." I doubt he or his circle understand what I'm even talking about in my studies and plain-language articles.

I know I should have changed my name as soon as I turned 18, but I just threw myself into my studies. I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner. I'm kicking myself for checking Facebook at all. I resent having a career that necessarily involves me using my legal name. I resent that changing my name would probably involve making my new name available for my dad to find and continue posting about me. How do I explain to institutions that no, i don't want my face or legal name on your website....why? Well let me tell you about my dad...

I have a support system and will figure out next steps. Thanks for reading.

Edits for clarification.

Hey folks! I'm currently working on a horror pop-up book about family (from the perspective of a queer person with Evangelical family). I'm going to have a page with a cluster of thoughts from people in regards to home/family.

If you want to anonymously contribute a sentence or two that you wish you could say to an estranged family member, positive or not, drop a comment!

It would be greatly appreciated so the entire book isn't only my voice. 😊

I was contacted by my stepsister randomly this week. She let me know that my father, who has been absent for the majority of my life, has just had two mini strokes. He’s been in a hospital two hours away. I have tried to find a way up to visit him, because things weren’t looking good for him for a minute. He’s slowly improving according to my step sibling. I still haven’t been to see him. I don’t have my license, I’ve asked friends if I could be taken to see him, but I haven’t been able to find anyone who could. My distant aunt and grandmother (his sister and mother) have flown in from out of state to see him. My stepmother and siblings have driven up multiple times to be with him. They made a half ass gesture of “making a way” for me to see him when they would be driving up again, but they stopped answering my texts… but posting of their travels on social media. Why did they even reach out?

One of the last times, I saw him in person, he treated me very cruelly while I was going through a tough situation during Covid. I am feeling an immense amount of emotions. I’m sad, angry for all the lost time and feeling unwelcome/left out whenever I’m around my siblings/step-siblings. I’m his first born and he’s not made a lot of effort to be in my life and it’s short lived when he’s around. A lot of empty gestures and broken promises. It’s painful to never be chosen or included, I’m an outsider and it’s damaging to my self esteem. I’m in individual and DBT therapies, but this is something I cannot shake. I have struggled to find peace and accepting myself without him. I’ve been trying to radically accept his absence and move forward… but it’s a deep wound and this has knocked me back millions of steps in my healing. How can I move forward?

Processing a conversation I had this week that just confirms the need for estrangement...

I set up a meeting with them, not to tell them how I feel, but to ask neutrally worded questions to see where they would go with them. One of the questions was, "How would you describe your relationship with me when I was a child?" They could have answered any way they wanted.

Part of their answer was, "If there was any lack of parenting, it's probably because of how self-sufficient you were."

Classic...blaming their neglect on the child!

NC almost 2 years. I'm lucky in that my two siblings and I have regular contact, and see each other as often as possible. considering we don't live very near one another. They wholeheartedly agreed that my parents were in the wrong and have all the same grievances I do. But they maintain their own relationships with them and don't intervene by asking me to reconcile, which I understand and appreciate.

But I think as NC goes on, and my parents dig their heels into the ground and refuse to introspect, I'm realizing that not "choosing" a side or maintaining extreme neutrality in a situation like this is still picking a side in a way?

When push comes to shove, if there is a holiday or party/event, my siblings arrange to spend it with them first and then if I ask about it they say they already planned it with them but I'm "always welcome", or "invite" both of us. But they know that I won't go if my parents are there because I refuse to rug sweep what happened and want them to introspect and acknowledge it, and don't want to be uncomfortable or make anyone else not involved uncomfortable. And they know my parents will not hesitate to go if I'm going to there because they want nothing more than to see me in a scenario with a lot of people where I can't completely ignore them or alternatively force them to have a real conversation about it. And they don't care if I'm uncomfortable. All they've wanted this entire time is for me to rug sweep this and move on so they don't have to be held accountable for being shitty.

It's like my siblings play neutral, but they really just avoid having direct or uncomfortable conversations with our parents and know that I'll be easier to let down because I'm more understanding and mature about these situations.

Not really asking for advice, just frustrated and realizing as many here already have that as estrangement goes on, anyone in the family orbit will eventually capitulate to the narcissist or offending party because they are afraid of causing disruption or also facing their maltreatment. I respect that their relationship with them is their own, and I didn't really expect them to burn bridges for me. But to not go to bat for me at all still hurts.

My therapist said it best, and it was harsh but accurate:

Your parents are not going to change their behaviors until their entire world comes crashing down around them and they are forced to. And unfortunately, you leaving was not enough to do that.

Does anyone get regularly upset being estranged from their parents where the estrangement was over a falling out and some harsh words that were exchanged ?

Reason I ask I’m estranged from my parents and it was over many arguments and fights these words were of course harsh and hurtful. I’d like to reconcile with them and wondering if anyone has had any success in reconciling with their estranged parents where the case was like mine in that they’ve never been abused or treated in a way where it could be considered abuse or anything serious along those lines ?

Long story long, NC with my mother. I am the scapegoat, sister is the golden child. My sister knows how awful my mother was to me but continues to have a relationship with her.

I know I can’t dictate what another person does. But it just rubs me the wrong way that she doesn’t seem to care that our mother was horrible to me. It really makes me want to back away from her because it makes me question her integrity, judgment, care for me, etc.

How do you deal?

I sometimes think if they do it as a sneak assault because they know we don't like it, they know if we 'make a scene' we will look like the bad guys, and show people 'see how she treats me' and they know that they can't keep doing their usual abuse because we are grown , both physically and socially and mentally. We won't let their usual games, so they switch to this type of harrassment, 'smothering with love'. .

I don't want to give all the details, but she knows why I don't want my family to touch me , I stupidly tried to talked to her, because, you know, she is my mother... She used that information to torment me back.

It's win-win for them. If we accept the hug, good, we are still in their claws, if we don't, we can't do anything back because we will be seen as the bad guys and they know that we both know they still can hurt us and get away with it. I'm sure that brings them great joy.

3 years no contact and I feel like I'm still peeling this moldy onion layer by layer.

It may not be the case for everyone, but it's definitely for my mother.

Basically I’ve cut off contact with my parents temporarily multiple times over the years for getting overly judgmental about my life. I just made the quick decision to do so again, but I’m not sure if there’s any reconciling this time. In a nutshell, I feel they’re enabling my brother while being very distant with me and it’s destroying my mental health.

In recent years, my brother, who is an adult and lived an independent adult life until he was like 35, has been living solely in residential mental health and eating disorder treatment facilities, not seeing his child in person in well over a year. Every time he’s about to be released so he can see his child again, he suddenly relapses or makes a very public attempt that gets him put back in a facility. His wife finally decided to leave him and my parents were angry at her, saying it set him back. They have paid for his empty apartment for over a year so he’ll have a place to go back to. They’ve stayed with him to help him and make sure he’s taking care of himself. They’ve been with him for all holidays. I get that mental health is complicated, but this seems excessive for parents of a middle aged man? It started right after he adopted a child from a foreign country and it feels like he wanted to cut out from parenting but not be judged for doing so, but that’s just my internal speculation. I’ve kept this to myself and continued being supportive to him despite the fact that he’s lashed out at me and been pretty horrible to me along the way.

Here’s the issue with my parents. I’ve dealt with a lot myself in the last few years. Medical issues, mental health struggles, surgeries, medical treatments that leave me feeling sick and sore, and a new baby. I’ve asked them for help, told them all I’m dealing with. Every time, they seem to brush it off, tell me they can’t afford to travel, or tell me they’ll visit in 6 months (and when they visit, they offer exactly 0 help and call my brother constantly… at one point they had 2 scheduled calls with him daily, one with his therapist as well, calls they could NEVER miss even if I needed help from them… they even told me to tell him I would take him on a big international trip so he would “have something to look forward to” when I had JUST had a baby and could in no way afford it). It’s become so frustrating to know that I really can’t rely on them being here for me at all, but they will go to the ends of the earth for him. They text me overly positive texts like “hope you’re feeling better today!!!” but it all feels empty and like some cover so they can feel better about themselves.

For the record, I’ve been in therapy for years. My dad refuses. My mom keeps saying she’s “on a waiting list” but it’s been years of her saying that. I’ve pushed them to just get started in therapy and it never changes.

TW: unwanted/inappropriate touch by parent, enmeshed, mental/emotional abuse

I am struggling even though I went no contact for over 4 years with both of my parents. My father died several months ago. Thought that getting my father's death certificate and asking for his military records may help me figure out some things. Turns out, falling down in my office opened up a can of history even more than the records might.

I'm remembering how vulnerable I was after the last time I saw my parents (over 4 years ago). Felt vulnerable after falling and having trouble getting up and then an hour later, I remember that last direct contact with my parents and other things from when I was a child. Panic is setting in.

I was at the dining room table, husband to my right (he was talking with my mother). My father walked over, lifted up my hair and kissed me on the neck. My father used to say I didn't give enough hugs and kisses. I wonder why considering he would invade my space a lot growing up and "feel his bones" by trying to tickle me on my collarbone. Or "gently" bit my arm as a kid pretending to put ketchup on it. I didn't like any of it. Really didn't. ok, I hated it.

Forced to give and accept hugs and kisses from my paternal grandfather, as well, who gave me the ick. He was smelly and gross and caused so much trouble for my family. He was a gambler and used to mix his debt with my father's. We actually had men in pin striped suits walking around our house in Missouri when I was in junior high. Watched The Godfather with my father in the past, I knew exactly who they were. Luckily, they left but it made me dislike my paternal grandfather even more.

So the other triggered memories? My father kissing my neck inappropriately. Wish I'd slapped him. No one kisses me on the neck low behind the ear except my husband (and my first husband). My father noticing that my birthmark that was on my inner thigh was moving away from my private area when I was a toddler up through gradeschool(?). He (and maybe my mom - I just know he was there) would talk about it for ages and I would get tickled where the birthmark was (it was up higher where my leg meets my torso on the inner thigh). That whole thing stopped for some reason before I was a teen. VERY THANKFUL. But so many times I'd get ticked elsewhere that was not private or close to private areas. AND I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Didn't feel like I could say anything and if I did, I'd be lectured about not showing I love my father. Even if I said "I love you my daddy" it wasn't enough.

Even as an adult, I was on guard around my father and felt something was off. Maybe it was, as my mother put it, him going catatonic when I was a toddler and the primitive memory haunted me. Maybe it was all the stuff I actually remember. Maybe it was all the unwanted kisses and hugs and guilted into allowing it to "pay taxes" so I could show my father I loved him.

I mean he did give me $5/week in uni which bought my Sunday dinner and he always shared a special burnt rice treat that middle easterners love. But add in the fact that he told me I was on loan to my first husband (did not listen to anything he said when I married my second husband). The way he treated me after my first husband passed away - telling me to date again one month after I buried my first husband. Telling me to get pregnant even if out of wedlock because he wanted more grandkids. Always attaching a price to any loan, gift, etc. Always having to be right all of the time and how dare I have a different opinion. Oh and don't go camping, do running events - that's now how "we" do things. Did my own things with both of my husbands and on my own.

I didn't get seconds of his cooking - I didn't love him then. If I said anything about an issue with food (not being cooked thoroughly), I didn't love my father. Both parents would make fun of me being in the bathroom for too long after eating certain foods that would make my tummy upset. And the list goes on and on and on. I try not to hate but right now I'm hating my father so much. He took advantage, even if not sexually, of a vulnerable girl and woman and made me feel like I didn't show him I love him enough. I hate him.

I was enmeshed more by my mother and that's a post for a different time. My mother was abusive in her own right. Let's just say it would be the zombie apocalypse and my mother would say I need to go to work so I can pay rent - It's the zombie apocalypse mom, no one is collecting rent any more!! lol! Dad would say in that circumstance - You'd be safer if you lived with us. Yeah - the zombies would get me first. Good grief! Maybe that would be better than living with them?!?!

To be pressured as a 50-something woman by both parents to keep working when I was sick (how will you pay rent? PTO folks!) or that I would somehow be happier living closer to them (OH HELL NO).

My father would tell me to buy a sympathy card when someone I loved died. DUH. But he had to tell me and then tell me I didn't know the person even though I considered them family (he never visited them).

He said I could get my ears pierced at 18. Months after turning 18, I got my ears pierced. My father was so angry, he didn't talk to me for about 3 months. Best 3 months of my life at that point.

So take all of this and the pressure of trying to go LC with my parents yet being pressured to choose my parents over my husband of 2 years (my chosen family). I end up in the ER with a suspected heart attack.

Turned out to be a panic attack but unlike any I've ever felt. My chest felt like it was collapsing. Husband made the 1 hour drive from his work to the ER near our house in 30 min. Handed him the phone and told him block my parents on everything possible and to let them know I didn't want anything for my birthday.

Everyone in the hospital I talked with told me NC was the best thing. If the doctor could have written a prescription for NC, he would have legally done it.

In the hospital for 3 days...a few days after that I still get a birthday card from my parents saying I needed to visit them to get my birthday gift (money, always money since I was 18-19). I ripped that card up and told my husband there is no amount of money that will make me speak to them again.

Yet here I am, having fallen on the floor and feeling foolish and super vulnerable, reliving the moments as a child and as an adult being kissed or tickled when I didn't want that.

I got myself up and moving as always. But this time, I'm completely overwhelmed and devasted for the little girl, the teen, and the woman in me and all she went through. Wondered if maybe I'm going to remember worse stuff? I'm terrified and looking at getting a trauma-focused therapist.

Probably put in too many paragraphs and talked too much. Revealed too much. Just had to get this out of my head and spirit. I feel like a mess. I failed myself somehow and wonder if it's too late to settle this all. So much, too much. I always find my way through, though.

If you relate to any of this, my heart hurts for you - no one and I mean NO ONE should have to deal with this c*ap as a child or an adult.

Feel free to share your experiences here too, especially all the mixed emotions after one of the parents dies. Appreciate the opportunity to share.

For those of you who had absent fathers, fathers who never showed up, never put in the effort, and weren’t there for the important moments in your life as a child. Fathers who lied, pretended they were present, or acted like they had done things for you that they never actually did. Fathers who refused to take accountability, never apologized for the hurt they caused, and then tried to come back into your life when you were an adult, blaming your mother for the broken relationship instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.

When your father passed away, did you ever regret not forgiving him or giving him another chance? Or did you find peace in knowing that you had already given him so many chances to do right by you, and he chose not to?

I guess I'd be considered an estranged adult child. The only problem is my father estranged me because I was using him for money. There seems to be a clear "narrative arc" for therapy or self development for a lot of the people here because they weren't at fault. However, I was at fault and had estrangement coming. What do I do in therapy? How do I respond to awkward questions/scenarios from people about who "deserved" the estrangement when I was legitimately the one to abuse my parents?

Words have a deep meaning, weight and value. Without them, we are left with feelings of a situation we cannot name clearly.

I am low contact with my parents, as they are emotionally immature and always blame an issue on me, it is never them or their behavior.

There was a conversation about my niece, where my mother acted like her grandkid had to earn her regard, gifts or money. That was never the case for her older brother, of course. I said that if you do something for one, it is only fair to do the same for the other. Not that it changed anything.

When I bring up the topic that I was treated differently, my mother acts like I'm the jealous, attention seeking little sister. She would never acknowledge that I'm less in here eyes than my brother. Now I finally found the expression that describes what she was doing to herself, to my sister, my niece and me:

Internalized misogyny

This will not change her, but it helped me see her for what she is. I'm posting this in case there are others who might have never heard about it but are/were dealing with mothers like mine.

Correction: title should have been was not were

I will never go back, but I still find myself ruminating about having another 'heart to heart' conversation with them, for the millionth time , because I guess my stupid brain still thinks that this is a misunderstanding and I can finally make them see that I was a good, hardworking, respectable human being.

I don't know why my brain still does this. It sometimes does it until it gives me a headache. I know I should let it go, but once I come , and my brain isn't busy with work, chores, errands, or with anything else, it starts thinking about my motger, and hiw they treated me all my life.

I wish I knew what my brain needed to let it go, and I wish they finally gave it to me. Maybe a confession? 'We hated you, and we had done all of it to intentionally hurt you'? Would my brain packnit up and leave or would it this time look for a payback? What kind of payback? Nothing will bring my life back and I won't wake up as a happy child .

I wish I could let it go.

Hey everyone, so last week I went fully no contaxt with my entire family system. I blocked every single person I am related to and every person who is close to my parents. I blocked them on everything and deleted all my social media. I feel so free. Last year I moved to the other side of the world and since then I have realised just how messed up my family is. I am the scapegoat of the family and the psychological abuse has been really extreme. My mother is a covert narcissist I think and she enables my psychopathic father. I thought my mum was just an enabler and my dad a narcissist but I am starting to see how widespread my mother's gaslighting and manipulation have been. They have tried to force me into financial subjugation, they have stalked me, spread lies about me, turned my golden child brother against me too although he was very happy to be, and they turned my uncle and aunt against me too - who also didn't exactly fight for me. I have moved on from all of them. I am living on the other side of the world in a peaceful apartment. I am in a new relationship. I am learning the local language. I have a great job. And their attempt to financially entangle me did the opposite - it set me free in a very interesting series of events. I AM FREE!!!!

I have always felt suffocated growing up (probably because I was the youngest and not only had to respond to my parents but also siblings). I thought things were getting better as I grew older. My parents started giving me space. One of my siblings got married so I stopped having to answer to them. But one of my siblings is still around and I haven’t gotten over feeling suffocated around them. We are both adults over 25, but I am still making sure she approves all my decisions and try to keep her happy. Might be some kind of guilt with her supporting me through grad school currently. I almost wish I just took out more loans so I would be able to avoid her and my family altogether. I never want to go home for holidays. My birthday feels like something I have to do so she can treat me and I feel guilty if I don’t want ti celebrate. I’m just so exhausted with pretending to be the perfect sister that I don’t feel like myself at home anymore. Currently counting down to when I can fully be alone and separated from them all. I just feel like I would be happier alone without anyone to answer to or get approval from.

No, mom, you just want to go back to having the most bare-minimum “relationship” with me where you suffer through a surface-level call with me once a week so you don’t have to feel bad about yourself.

And when I reject that arrangement, you’ll spend the next year waiting for me to cave and return to the dysfunction instead of doing some soul-searching and getting professional help. It was clearly me leaving that was the problem, not all the events leading up to that…

Scince there was time to reflect on the whole situation with the birthfamily of mine some thoughts and intuitions came up. It was these kind of thoughts that you felt like were there all your life but you never had the courage to look at it. The reason why all those relatives looked at me with a kind of contemptuous but concealed habit. Like if they anxiously awaiting the day the realization hit me.

There were moments like these before in my life, but this time it is about the possibility that my mother had kids with two different men, wich would mean that the legal frame for different affairs and dynamics, past, present or in the future, in this family would be different.

Scince i somewhat established a life where no contact would finally be possible to some degree, investigation would be difficult and it would bring a lot of confrontation. I feel sort of stupid for stubbornly walk away from them whilst i could have argued and fought for myself and gain some insights way earlier.

Currently there is absolutely no body who i could talk to or who would even care about this so i am asking here for advice on what to do.

I cut my father out of my life after years of increasingly-escalating abuse and attempts at parental alienation. When things boiled over into physical abuse, I realized that this would only become more common if I didn't shut things down ASAP.

Cutting off a parent isn't a "good" choice, as most of you know. It's simply the choice that nets the least amount of harm, like amputating a limb. It's been 10 years. As much as I stand by this decision, it hasn't been without significant pain.

I broke down today, wanting nothing more than to be able to pick up my phone and call my dad for a little vent session. What an amazing privilege it must be to be able to speak openly with a family member, let alone a father. The silence is oppressive. Better than yelling, yes, but still so cold and lonely.

I guess I don't really miss my father, not the person that he was. It's more that I'm mourning what he could have been, and what a major asset a person like that would be in my life. I feel so incredibly alien in this world, like the goal of my life is to be my strange broken self as far away from others as possible. What I wouldn't give to be able to feel like a normal person.

I miss you, Dad. I miss all the adventures we could have gone on. I miss the deep talks about life we could have had. I miss the love and respect we could have shared. Why wasn't I enough for you?

Not estranged. But dont know where to ask this.

Is it normal to realise old people just wont change but change the people around them who tolerates their habit?