This is a throwaway account so my family doesn’t see this. I also don’t use Reddit a lot so I don’t really know what I’m doing I just know I need help.

I (20 F) have been struggling for the past year to be okay, I have tried to kill myself more times then I can count and then I decided to promise my boyfriend not to kill myself which feels like a terrible choice on my part. I am autistic and have major depressive disorder and major anxiety disorder or whatever it’s called. I have been with my boyfriend (20 M) for almost a year and we live together. He is the best person to ever exist yet I can’t handle my emotions and when I’m mad at something, or sad, I yell at him. Today, I was actually happy for a first time in a long time and I was goofing off while we were driving home. I have a Tesla and it’s very hard to tell how fast you are going in one. The freeway was empty and I didn’t realize I was going 90mph and I scared my boyfriend. I then had an anxiety attack and went silent. I pulled off the freeway and we sat for thirty minutes, then I started yelling because I was frustrated with myself. I saw real fear on his face (I have never physically hurt him because I care about him and would never do that). I can not forgive myself for that and we talked for four hours tonight, two of those hours was just me yelling and crying and bruising myself because I hate myself so much and I feel like I’m never going to get better. I have tried so hard to get better and my boyfriend says that I am but it the night still ends like this too often. I now feel like I can’t be happy or good off or else I am going to scare him or do something I shouldn’t. I feel like there is no reason to try and get better anymore and I am so tired of life and my brain. It sucks to be autistic, nobody can ever understand how I feel and what’s going on in my brain no matter how many times I try to explain it. I’m tired of who I am and I just want to leave this stupid earth. My reason for staying was that I have the cutest baby sister and I love her so much but even that’s not enough anymore. I feel like my dreams don’t matter and I should just die because I’m such a terrible person.

(Edit)
I genuinely do not understand why my boyfriend is still with me. He loves me but I don’t deserve it. I am so toxic and he is so wonderful, I keep telling him to leave and find someone better but he won’t!! I can tell I am making his mental health worse and he has even admitted it himself but he still stays!! That’s another reason why I want to kill myself is so that he has no choice but to find someone better! Someone with a normal brain who can control their emotions!!

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I really dont know how to describe it but i will try my best. It’s a sudden feeling, it lasts a few seconds, and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. I’ve had this feeling since I was a child, but it used to happen very rarely. Now that I’m going through a particularly bad phase of depression, it’s happening frequently (every day) and im worried. Its not sadness, I guess the closest thing to it would be numbness, but even that doesn't feel like the perfect description. And it's not like the "usual" numbnes you might feel during a depressive episode. It's an intense feeling that lasts for a few seconds or minutes. The best way I can describe it is this feeling that, in that exact moment, absolutely nothing could make me happy. Nothing at all. I always thought that, if I were to do something against myself, I would do it when this feeling arose, because is so intense (even though I’m depressed, I’m not having thoughts about taking my own life or anything of the sort, so there’s no need to worry).

I’m 21F who lost both parents to addiction (dad woman beating drug addict, mom alcoholic). I cut off my mom 6 months ago and haven’t spoken to my dad in 3 years with the help of my extended family by financially providing for me. I don’t understand how people live after being neglected and abandoned your whole life, is there any hope to be normal? All I want is to kill myself

I have no one to turn to, and my depression is far worse than anyone in my life knows. I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread, trying to reach out, and there is nobody there reaching back for me. Kind of like I am just grabbing at air. Even that crisis hotline was so unhelpful, I wound up feeling even worse, afterwards.

I just don’t know what to do. Where do you even turn when you have nowhere? I just need someone to give me advice or point me in the right direction. It feels like no one is taking me seriously.

i am 22, i have been on setraline ( zoloft) since 2024. i started on 50mg and have been on 150mg for something like 8 months. Although there’s been alot of life changes for me, bf breaking up w me - finishing uni and being home - i feel stable and i want to decrease my dosage. But something about that feels so scary ? Before I used to cry at work all the time and feel sad everyday for no reason and feel suicidal and self harm and etc . I feel like a normal functioning human now but Im scared that if I reduce I’ll be let in for a nasty surprise and I’ll be right where I started

any advice on this ?

every now and then I’ll have somebody to hang out with but it has came to a toll mainly when the pandemic started although there has been times where I will be heavily isolated which I’m definitely used to it, but it has came to this point where especially if I were to work, study doing all of this by myself, even if I have as close to a family member and good friends they’re always busy doing other things. I don’t have any other entertainment than just stimulating myself relentlessly. I’m just praying to God I am once again very grateful to have a house and food going out but I will for sure talk to anybody you don’t have to give a fuck but every person I talk to here so far every time when I say what I wanna say, they always ghost me and laughing about it.

I don’t even feel like my life is bad at all, but for some reason I feel like I’m unable to be happy and I don’t understand why. Like lll be fine for a month or 2, then feel like I spiral again and grow distant from everyone in my life. For a little context of who I am, I’m 18. I lost my mother 2 almost 3 years ago. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I can’t express my love for thru words. She helps me a lot, but I’d like an outside perspective or anyone else may know what my problem is. Any advice is more than welcome, any questions are too.

21f. I hate myself I hate everyone. Nothing is fun anymore. How long do I have to feel like this. I see no point in socialising because inevitably I'm going to hate everyone because everything is so exhausting.

I'm in the middle of getting checked for hypothyroidism because it runs in my family but if it's not that and it is just depression it might just be over for me. I can't deal with the idea of getting any worse anymore.

I'm taking a degree that I love but the industry is so hard to get into. It feels like the world has no space for me. I can barely talk to my partner of 7 years anymore because while she makes me happy conversation is so tiring for me.

I hate myself. I hate that I'm so lazy. I can barely get one thing done everyday. I've never been good at being and I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. I try to be kinder to myself but there's just no point because I just get lazier and lazier. Im' tired of waiting for it to get better.

I've just had my dose of sertraline upped but it doesn't do anything. I' so depressed. I don't know what to do and just what the fuck is the point when in a year I'll be at a job center with my useless degree because the only thing I'm fucking good at is something that's just so completely useless. I can't even drop out. What the fuck do i even do

Bit of an odd request but can i please vent to another woman whos completely snapped?.

Hi so this will be an odd request. I dont know how to formulate this but will try my best, so im a woman whos a convicted felon.

To give some background to what happened- i had gone trough hell my entire life every day since birth. i never had one good moment. All i knew was pain suffering and agony. My parents were abusive i had abusive partners a ton of trauma betrayed by friends and i didnt get to have a childhood at all. My dad was a violent drunk and my mom hated me i had to care for my younger sister and be the "adult" in the house. I got bullied too and had all my dreams crushed and much much more.

I was in constant mental torment but i held it all in my entire life botled everything up i had been pushed past the breakpoint years ago but i desperately held it togheter.

It got worse and worse i tried my best to hold it togheter but i kept having setback after setback i was also under so much stress and pressure the agony in my heart was unbearable and there was not one moment of relief.

One day when i was 30 i had the worst year of my life i lost my sister who was my only friend lost my job and my home and i was at my wits end that day honestly beyond my wits end it was all too much.

I completely snapped in a public place over a minor thing it wasnt even about that thing it was decades of pent up torment exploding it was just the final straw its hard to explain but it was like a dam bursting.

i sadly harmed some people very badly and i destroyed a lot of things.

I spent several years in prison as i deserved, i should have goten a life sentence theres no excuse for what i did.

i was just completely out of control i had never once even raised my voice before that or after.

But can i please get to talk to another woman whos completely snapped in public and done something similar i feel like a monster and it would be such a relief venting to someone with a similat experience.

I feel like they would understand and not judge me too i would appreciate it so much

I just hate whatever I am going through right now. I hate this life.

If any of you don't know, she was the creator of Stick Run and she ended her life last week on Twitch by self immolation. It was just depressing to see that there's way too many people saying that she was selfish when obviously I get their point but overall she's gone and had cancer which is why she ended her life. Most people just think all because she livestreamed on Twitch meant that there were kids on the app too possibly watching but she wasn't really in a right state of mind. Most people who livestream k1lling themselves want the world to see what they're going to do to themselves because they have no other way to explain it. I think it's just shocking and sad to know that she done this. I also don't know why people are hating on her somewhat for the reason that she wore women's clothes and was transgender. All I've seen is disrespect and it's just inhumane to see others in their own perspective say that she did this for "attention" when she was clearly struggling. It was traumatizing for me to watch the video and I can't imagine how she just felt in that moment knowing this was the outcome. Sorry for posting here, I just wanted to get this off my chest because it's bothering me. I dont know how to recover from what I saw on video.

I just feel everyday is the same everything is as it is. And im just here I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel I’m just being ignored everyday. Or even if I’m not I’m just overwhelmed or overstimulated that I don’t know what to do. There are times I feel like I’m done what if I don’t want to do this anymore. Or live this life or if things are going to get better. I don’t know if things are going to get better. I feel like I don’t care anymore and I don’t know how to open up to people anymore. Not that anyone cares. No one really cares.

I want so many things for myself. I want passions, a family, a community etc. I remember when i used to be a functional person and how good it felt and i want that again. But after 5 years of trying every treatment I’ve gotten no relief and am in the worst place of my life at 38F. I’m currently a month into spravato treatments and I’ve seen like a 10% reduction in symptoms but that is not a meaningful change and has not improved my ability to function. I’m devastated that ANOTHER treatment isn’t going to work for me and it makes me feel like the only option i have is to kill myself because i can’t live with this high level of pain and suffering anymore.

I’m just so disgusted with the healthcare system and the treatments that are available to “treat” depression. I can’t think of a single reason to keep going. My life has gotten so small over the last 5 years. I’ve lost most of my relationships, my very successful career and my independence. It would take so much to rebuild a life at the point and i have no energy or capacity for some long journey. I just can’t believe this is how my life ended up.

I don't, and I can not think of a single reason why I should even try to "get better." I am pretty much guaranteed not to have a life I would be happy about, and I am already starting to feel like the black sheep of my family. I have no friends, but I wish more than anything that I would have a partner, but people keep saying that it wouldn't happen until I start "loving myself."

I find distraction and comfort in videogames and anime. A part of me wants to become a Hikikomori and just stay home for that, but I also know that these things don't keep my depression and suicidal ideation completely at bay.

No matter how hard I think about it, I can not think of a reason why I shouldn't kill myself at some point. I know I'm not gonna get a girlfriend unless I actually try to practice "self-love," and the world itself is only getting worse. It feels just too cruel to expect me to live like 60 more years. And getting a job and working until I'm an old man doesn't feel worth it at all.

I just want to rest.

​

33M,I have given up on my life. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore, and I don't want to achieve anything. The only reason I am not killing myself is because my mum and aunt and sister. they need me; I have to be there to take care of them. They are loving and caring, and they are the only reason I am still hhere.

I just feel completely empty.

I've been severely depressed for as long as I can remember. Somehow I stopped processing any other emotions than severe negative ones. My memories are extremely blurry, I literally can't remember anything as if I have amnesia. And I only remember severely fucked up memories. I feel like I'm no longer a human. I'm very angry all the time. Recently, I can't think about anything else but suicide. Life is utterly meaningless for me, I struggled to find meaning but didn't manage to. Tried therapy for years, been on medications nothing has helped. I just can't go on living like this anymore. Don't wanna hurt my family but they don't understand or a matter of fact consider depression a thing. I've been functioning at work and everywhere now I'm totally burnt out. I work remotely. I try to go out for new activities every now and then but I'm in pain every single moment. I even book things and pay and don't go. Anyone who went through several depression or CPTSD can advise me because where I come from even therapy is just another way to suck money out of people. Does life actually have meaning.. do I have to keep searching. I stopped and I don't know how to get going.. it's just too painful, too dark

I just can't do it anymore. I dated a girl for 8 years and she cheated on me 15 times and some of them were my friends for years. And i still love her even tho she did alot of other stuff to me. I met some and I gave it my absolute all and she just ghosted me. I do some much for people around me no matter what they need i find a way to help them and I do even get a thanks or anything. My life is just to help other but no one cares about me ive been told that I should have died instead of my brother which maybe true because then they'll be happy and ive been through so much and I just can't do it anymore

I hope this is ok to post here, I didn’t see any other groups that seemed to fit and scrolling through these posts it seems like I might be able to find ideas here

The title summarizes it. I’m an adult child of a father who is dealing with depression, but will not hear anything of getting any help or trying to address the issues and how it’s impacting our family. Whenever I visit home, my stepmom cries about how she doesn’t know how to help him. Even is siblings who he rarely sees notice the difference.

My brother and I have both openly shared our own struggles with anxiety and that we’ve sought help/therapy for these issues, thinking it might get him to see past the generational and cultural (my father is an immigrant of old ”suck it up” stock) opposition to addressing mental health, but that’s gone nowhere. We’ve tried sitting him down and straight out telling him we’re concerned and we love him and he gets angry and storms off.

He barely bathes, he drinks, he hardly speaks beyond small talk, he eats terribly when he does eat, he spends his days sleeping on and off on the couch and doomscrolling. He lived such a full life when he was young, and the shift is jarring. Having spent a lot of my own time and focus on working through generational family trauma, I think I can understand why he might be where he’s at, but that doesn’t help me know how I can help him, or at the very least help my stepmom since she‘s with him more than any of us.

Any resources or suggestions to getting started would be so much appreciated. I didn’t want to bog the post down with too much detail, but I’m happy to provide clarity on the situation.

TLDR; my dad is depressed but won’t hear concerns from anyone, how can we help him get help?

Every time I tell him how I feel he thinks it’s a matter of changing my perspective, and he thinks my generation has the concept of work backwards. He thinks that we don’t have the drive to work simply motivated by money, and that it’s not right to always look for a job that fullfills you. He thinks following your dreams is the wrong way to go about it.

We had another disagreement today and I’m just so tired of defending myself to him. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like he’s trying to understand. He can’t just sympathize and comfort, he’s always trying to tell me what I’m doing wrong. After a while it makes me feel horrible about myself.

I genuinely can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. All I want to do is cry, and when he states all these things by s about me and tells me he doesn’t think I’m taking things seriously I feel so miserable and misunderstood.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. Talking to him makes me feel invalidated. I’m tired of all of our conversations ending in me feeling unheard.

I just wish someone understood me. My brain literally finds the idea of suicide more appealing than working myself to exhaustion everyday. There’s nothing about a “real” job that makes me want to do anything. He makes me feel like an idiot. The world we live in today makes me want to give up on my life, and he doesn’t even see that. He just thinks I’m being a brat and it hurts so much

And I feel guilty for it. I shouldn't have "feelings" for a woman I've only talked to 10 sessions, 1 hour each.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have had her assigned to me. She genuinely made me feel happy, and calmed my soul every time. I even dared to say that she was almost "like a best friend/GF". Things got even better when I tried an SSRI for the first time ever.

Then one day, out of the blue, her supervisor wrote that my next appointement was canceled. She had to leave work for an unknown period of time. I was left in the dark for days until the replacement therapist called me. She gave me the usual spiel about calling the crisis center if things got really bad. I asked about in person sessions in the meantime. She said: no. I don't do long term followups and I can't touch your records.

She then transfered me to another social worker, who said the same. With the exception of: "we'll do a phone interview to evaluate symptoms, to decide to which service you'll be redirected."

I feel anxious because this being through public healthcare, I feel like they are just there for the paycheck and bounce me around like a hot potato because they don't want me to be their problem. And I don't dare do therapy through a private practice because the rates are quite high. I can't bring myself to spend upwards of 10-15% of my earnings just for therapy alone.

It's been 6 weeks since I've last seen her. My meds work less and less (the brain must be getting used to the high serotonin levels), and losing the great care and compassion she gave me deeply affected me 💔. I also started to have mild SI again, atleast much weaker than before.

I feel that aside from my family, she is the only other person in the world that was genuinely worried about me. And now, I worry about her 😢

Painfull Painfull thoughts I cant keep liveing like this

I (female 27) could feel the depression coming back a couple of days ago and it’s attacking in full swing today. I feel powerless and useless. Part of it is that my husband and I have been struggling to resolve any of our arguments, which is really getting to me. I feel so lonely and just want to disappear. I also feel like I’ve leaned on my friends too many times. I feel like if I keep having low days I’m going to drive them away. I am going to individual therapy weekly.