spaghetti and meatballs with french garlic bread (was so yummy 🫪)

i (19m) met this guy (20m) on reddit actually. from a town abt 45 mins from me with the intent to hookup (i know, i know) i was chill with it just being a one time hookup or maybe being friends with benefits. he said he’s only ever been with women but has always been attracted to dudes and that i was really hot and wanted to experiment with me and i was okay with that. but i had to wait until my day off to go see him because i work late and didn’t want to be too tired the next day. we talked for hours tho, i was up til like 4 am texting him. i find out that he has a lot of family trauma and struggles with substance abuse. (honestly should’ve stopped it right there but wtv) he ends up saying that he’s kinda falling for me. i’m an extremely untrusting person. i’m very cautious, insecure about my body, and kind of a cynic to be quite honest, so i usually never believe people are capable of liking me. and i told him this. i literally said “im anxious avoidant and it’s hard for me to trust people so don’t play with my feelings” over the next few days we texted he was insistent that he was attracted to my body and that he genuinely really liked me and wanted to try out a relationship. i still didn’t trust him up until i finally met up with him. once we met up though… he proved his love. i’ve never experienced such love before. i don’t want to go too much into detail but i ended up falling asleep on his chest which i’ve never done with anyone before. i let back my curtain. i let myself be vulnerable. he proved what he was saying. i fully believed him now. his mom ends up catching me in his room and she’s homophobic so she kicked us out. i thought he was gonna be upset but no, he stood up to his mom and we chilled in my car for a few more hours. we talked and he held my hand and kissed me and told me he loved me. we weren’t even official yet but i was excited to let the relationship develop. the next day, i was so happy. i texted him and he reveals to me that he doesn’t actually live in that town, he was just visiting. he goes to college in san diego and had to go back THAT DAY 🫠 i didn’t want to get too upset. he said he still liked me and wanted to visit me for thanksgiving. i rationalized everything in my head and came to the fine conclusion that it would just be a long distance situationship and i was okay with that. i’m very lonely and get depressed a lot so it would be nice to have someone to talk to romantically and something to look forward to. this is where his substance abuse became an issue. turns out, he went to san diego and the first day he immediately smokes m3th and hooks up with another dude and tells me about it. says some bs about how he was “catfished” and the experience was “so bad he hates the male sex” and that “he still fw me but can’t fuck me anymore” HELLO???? first of all, why would you immediately hook up with someone right after saying you LOVED ME?? second, why does one bad experience have to ruin everything for you?? we had a really really GOOD experience together just the other night. why let a bad one overshadow that? i was so heartbroken. i’ve never been in love before, because i never let myself fall in love. but he went out of his way to make me feel loved and i fell for it. i feel so stupid. my heart aches so much for him. we didn’t just have sex, what we did was more than that. it pains me so intensely that he didn’t see it that way. i don’t understand why he would do that. it’s my own fault for falling for him. i should’ve known that all the things he was saying about liking me were all said under the influence of drugs. now im afraid that i’ll never trust anyone again. :(

Candy

Bro imma just be honest. Im a 28 year old black man in America. I've struggled with depression since I was 11 years old and have attempted suicide multiple times. Idk what set it off but this year (at the beginning) I told myself and declared that I would try my hardest to chase my dreams of being a YouTuber and Musician. I've really pushed myself to network and make new friends. Aside from that I've put myself back into the dating pool. I haven't dated in 10 years so I felt like it was time to take my chances again. Oh boy I was wrong. I feel like I never want to date anyone ever anymore with the way I get shot down. I do all the things, I'm courteous, I open doors, I text to make sure you get home safe, I genuinely just want a partner to share life with but our generation is so COOKED. To me it feels like women don't actually want a relationship let alone get married anymore. I say all this to say Im at my wits end. The last lady I was talking to made it apparent that all they wanted me for was for money and buying her drinks. I genuinely am so tired of being alive. Im broke and in debt. I feel like I'm not good enough. Im almost 30 and I don't have anything to show for it. Idk why I thought "oh ya you're ready to get back out there" I just wanna not exist anymore. Love is only for movies, books and anime that shit isn't real. Please prove me wrong. Pray for me that I don't kms. At the very least just know that you're loved and I care.

Claudio

I only found this sub a few days ago but, I've been reading a lot of posts here. I wish I had good advice for everyone but you know, I'm happy just to be here right now.

Shepherds pie, or cottage pie because there a no lamb, made by the gf and shoved into a Tupperware by me. Its delicious. She's a wonderful cook and I love her very much.

Looking at this photo I now realize how much orange is in my life. Coveralls, orange sugar free Gatorade, there's some carrots in the cottage pie also which probably aren't helping anything. Oh well.

Just stopping in on my lunch break at 9:30pm while I have a minute to breathe. I sit in my truck and eat because when you're the only maintenance person on duty, sitting in the lunch room feels like asking for trouble and more work.

I'd like to say I don't have anything bad to post about but, life's been a bit of a kick in the pants lately despite a lot of things going well. I'm not just trying to doom and gloom but having a sibling die suddenly a couple weeks before they're supposed to get married threw me for a loop. I was not ready.

I've dealt with grief before, and have a counselor, but this was a really tough thing for me to process. Getting dressed up and going out has me feeling very strange now. Not that I was big on it before but, it feels a bit wrong now and I'm not entirely sure why, I could take a couple wild guesses though. I know my sister would still want me to go out and enjoy my life, and do what I want to do.

I sit here eating in the dark listening to rain, mentally preparing for my sisters funeral in a week. I'm not posting here for a flood of sympathy, mostly to vent, because I feel like a broken record to everyone around me now. I know a lot of people can still see my pain, but it also feels like I'm just expected to get back to normal. It's a slow process but I just keep trying to move in the right direction.

americano and a pumpkin loaf

yesterday, when I first saw her outside the bar we were going to I said she was pretty and complimented her hair. she looked me up and down and called me a whore and nothing else. not even in a flirty type way she just blatantly said I looked like a whore. and she never said anything nice about me the rest of the date.

I was wearing jeans a black t shirt with a leather jacket. it fits me well because i've been losing weight again and i felt confident in it, I thought she'd appreciate it

still hurts my feelings.

Dating… what a not-so-wonderful thing.

Let me preface by saying that I was not in a committed relationship. I put myself out there to date, just to test the waters.

About 2 months ago, I matched with someone who is cousins with a woman I used to work with. We never had a conversation about becoming serious in those 2 months.

About a month ago, a neighbor asked me to have drinks with her; found out she was open to dating, so we’ve hung out a few times. Never had a conversation about becoming serious with her, either.

Both walked through my back door at midnight tonight. They both demanded an explanation to which I simply told them that dating is dating, and that I was not exclusive to either. I ended up asking them both to leave (for which they did after I threatened to call the cops), then blocked their numbers and social media (both of them still showed single on their profiles, mind you). Why is dating so terrible these days?

Dinner is French bread pizza. One with banana peppers, one without.

(dinner tonight is curry fried rice bowl from a local spot)

For context, my birthday was recently and this past weekend was the trip I planned for me and some of my close friends. There were seven of us in total: my brother (D), his two friends-basically family friends at this point (T) and (G), my childhood best friend (J), my coworker that I’ve become close with (H), and my college best friend (B).
Now, while B and I met in college and were friends, we did not become close until the last year or so when we started messaging pretty much daily. They had moved back to live with their parents after college and this trip would be the first time I’d seen them in a bit over a year.
B and I have talked extensively about me wanting to move out of my current place and them wanting to move back into town, and we decided that we could try and live together next year.

The first day of the trip goes pretty well. After a drive, D, T, G, and B all go to the grocery store while J and I get things settled at our AirBnB. H joins us later and we all eat and drink and be merry.

The next night after our outing, the party cleans off and we all just hang out playing card/board games. Everyone except for B. They can be heard having a very loud phone conversation in their room. I know that they’re on the phone with someone they’ve been talking with, and I also know that they were told B was going on a trip.
This hurt me because it felt like B chose to have a phone call with this person that could have occurred at any other time, not the one weekend we’re together in person. B was on the phone with them so long that we all went to sleep without seeing them again.

During our next outing, they disappeared on the group as a whole. B did not tell us what they were doing or if/when they would be back and just left us kind of clueless as to if we should be waiting for them or not. I felt like a simple explanation would have been more than enough.
Near the end of the day, our group was waiting in one area for B and by the time they checked in, they said they had already moved to the next area. It irked me because I felt like B could have told us they were ready to move on from the spot we were in.
When we got back to the AirBnb, we started to clean up since we would be leaving the next morning. Oh except B went straight to their room and did not help to put anything away.
After the rest of us had cleaned, a few of us sat at the dining table to have a late night snack. B flirted about the kitchen and the snack table behind us and I thought maybe they’d sit down and hang out with us for a bit but they ended up taking their snacks to their room after sticking their hand in the box of Cheez-its (to G’s dismay and disgust.)

The whole weekend put a sour taste in my mouth about B.
We talked about it once we were alone at my place as their flight was later in the day and everyone else had a drive to make.
I had said that I was disappointed that they weren’t more present during the weekend and it felt like they didn’t want to socialize with me or my friends.
B spoke about it being undiagnosed avoidant personality disorder/severe social anxiety. That talking on the phone that one night with their not-partner (not a boyfriend or a situationship) was “safer” than socializing with people who might reject them. Which, I can understand can be debilitating and scary, but I felt like B did not even try.

The entire group (sans H) all got lunch together before arriving at the AirBnB which I felt went fine. B had time to get to know D, T, and G in a smaller group when they went to get groceries. J went out of their way to talk to B when they were around. It’s like, I get it but you had so many chances.
B’s behavior was also clearly upsetting me and everyone noticed. D also let me know that B had G pay for groceries that they had wanted instead of paying for them themself.

B had also said that it felt like I was getting overwhelmed and that they felt their presence was not helping.
Admittedly I got overwhelmed and snapped them during our outing that day, but I apologize to them after I had calmed down and explained that even though they’re my friends/family, a large group of 9 people (two others were at the event) all wanting to speak with me or ask questions was bound to overwhelm anyone. I clarified it was not B themself.
B also felt like the other people in the group were friends that I had not seen in a while and since B and I talk everyday, they assumed I would rather hang out with them.
I clarified that B lives the farthest away from me and that I see these other friends monthly if not weekly in the case of my coworker. And that the whole point of the trip was to hang out with all of my friends.

B is remorseful and wishes they could do it over again but this trip has really hurt our friendship. Not to mention made a terrible impression on the people closest to me. I feel like if I tell them that the rest of the group doesn’t have a good opinion of them, they’ll double down on the idea that they were “rejected” even though their behavior inadvertently caused their anxieties to come true.

I’m really rethinking us living together because the people that went on this trip are the people that would be over the most. And while I know it would be different when it’s just us, it worried me how antisocial B was. If I wanted to keep living alone I wouldn’t be talking to them about moving in together.
I’m just not sure where to go from here. I still want a friendship with B but I’m unsure about living with them now. I just feel bad because we had talked about it so much and I know they couldn’t afford to move back to my city and live on their own.

TL;DR: best friend from college made a horrible impression on me and my other close friends by being antisocial and inconsiderate and now I’m rethinking us living together next year

A bowl of hot noodles w/ jalapeño, and cheese infused sausage in it. A toasted sourdough sandwich w/ cheddar cheese, turkey, mustard, & some celery on the side. Topping it off with some “fluffy coffee” (I think that’s what it’s called) w/ a dash of cinnamon on top.

I M24 haven’t really been interested in dating yet since I’ve been focusing on work, health, both physical and mental. Both parents respected my decision until recently, when my sister F23 announced her happy relationship with her partner. We are all very excited for them, especially since it took her a while to let us know due to her being worried about our Dad’s reaction (he can be a bit controlling). To all our surprise our Dad took it very well…. Or so we thought, after a week I’ve noticed small comments from my dad like “Blank your 24 right? I was 22 when your mom and I had you.” , “ You talking with anyone?” and when I go out for my walks I occasionally hear “Stay safe, and don’t be afraid to talk with some girls” that last one is really strange in my opinion. I unfortunately understand why my dad wants me to date, he wants grandchildren due to his medical history ( I don’t want to go to deep into it) he’s afraid that the rate I’m going at he won’t be able to meet them. I love my Dad, and respect him since he’s sacrificed so much for me and my sisters… but how can I explain to him that things are very different from what he grew up with? He grew up from a culture where they have children at a young age, and plenty of them, but I’m barely able to afford my half of the utilities at home while also balancing saving for the future we both (I do want what he’s telling me to do, just at my pace) want. Appreciate any advice since I know I’m not the only person going through a similar situation.

​

I don't really like complaining, but I feel like I've gotta say something. Sorry if this is a bit incoherent, I'm not used to talking like this, just gonna yell into the void a bit.

Sorry if its too dark in the second pic, my eyes hurt rn. Chow is ramen, peas, and Hogan's Heroes (my favorite show)

I moved from a town of roughly 3500 to a college town of 40k (plus students) to finish my degree. 4 months in and I don't think I've gotten a full night's rest. My grades have been slipping a bit since I got this job, maintaining a 40hr work week as an auto service tech and having 18 credit hours this semester (3 of which are entirely or half-online) is leaving me mentally and physically tired almost every day.

Idk if I'm just being a bit of a wuss, but I dont really have time for relaxation and hobbies anymore, shit's expensive, I can't sleep (either mentallycan't sleep or neighbors yelling and banging on things), my apartment is constantly leaking water into the walls and my kitchen cabinents/counters, I have bugs and lizards in my bed (and in the rest of the place), and I dont think I can maintain comfortable living if I dial back my work hours.

Im young, I'll say under 25, so I don't have much time living out on my own so far away from my folks- is this just life, something I need to expect? Idk I feel like my complaints are somewhat self-inflicted, but I'm a biased source lol.

If youve got questions, suggestions, or comments, feel free to drop them. If this doesn't make sense, tell me.

2 weeks ago I took my 3 son’s(14,9 and 5)and 2 of my oldest’s son’s best friends camping. 2 Nights just dad and the boys. On our first night while we hung out around the fire we decided to tell spooky stories. Everyone went and I was the last to tell mine. I being the great storyteller than I am might have gone a little overboard. I scared my 5yo with my story. He never mentioned anything to me during the trip. Since we’ve gotten back on certain nights he comes into my room and asks if he can sleep in my bed because he’s having scary thoughts about the story that I told. I feel terrible for scaring him and have reassured him it was just a made up story. Hopefully I Can help him get over this with time. Any of your guys’s parents or older siblings scare you with any stories as a child?

Meal: Cast Iron Carne Asada Nachos.

This is a follow-up to my Longhorn Steakhouse post a couple weeks ago (check my profile if you haven't seen it)

Got myself a quick meal after a long day at work, hit the ground running at my job the day after I got back from my Japan trip and haven't had time to grocery shop.

Anyways, for short context of my previous post on this subreddit for those who haven't seen or don't want to go looking for it: Girlfriend and I were heading to Japan for a birthday trip, her dad and GF were going and I planned to propose.

Now that we're all up to speed, the fantastic news is she said yes! Of course we've been together for 6 years and moved in with eachother so I can't imagine her saying no at this point. Granted, crazier things have happened to others but it was lovely to hear her happily (and crying-ly) say yes to forever with me.

I planned it for several months and had to not let loose with it, almost slipped up a few times but thankfully caught myself before I did. She said it was "Perfect" and has been so shocked and excited ever since. My mind is at ease now because the stress of keeping it a secret from her was extremely difficult which is also why I made a post here.

That all being said, if anyone wants to see the ring I'd love to show but I'm not sure if I can post it in the replies on this subreddit so feel free to reach out if interested in seeing!

Dinner: Raising Cane's Box combo with lemonade

My girlfriend (27F) and I (28M) have been together for about 5 years now (moved in together for the last 10 months). We were semi-long distance having to drive about 1.5 hours to see each other prior to moving in. Right before move we had a pretty big argument where she felt like I wasn't pushing myself enough in my career. I was working but after coming home from work I would generally just go to the gym, watch TV or play some games before going to bed.

A bit of a backstory of the two of us. She is a business owner and has a very entrepreneurial background with most of her family also owning businesses or being very business minded and I work full time in the healthcare field. I don't make crazy money but enough to get by for myself fairly comfortably. I have thought about opening up a business of my own or doing some sort of side hustle but I want to enjoy my youth a bit longer.

Anyways, from this argument we were about to break up since I felt that we were too different in terms of our values and goals. But before we did she came to me and said that she was wrong and that she would rather have me for me rather than lose me and find someone who matched her "entrepreneurial mindset" that wasn't me. So we decided to give it another shot and for the past 10 months I have been trying to reinvest myself into our relationship. I found it difficult since previously I had made up my mind that we were incompatible so we'd have to break up and I also missed being close to my friends/family (I know it's only 1.5 hours but it just feels different and lonely).

After about 6-8 months I find that I am getting back into the relationship but it's extremely slow. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when we're talking about an international vacation that we were going to with my family and she asks me if I can buy her ticket for the flight. I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able to since I just bought both of our flights and accommodations for one of my friend's weddings coming up. This caused us to devolve into another argument during which she brought up the whole me "not making enough money" thing since if I was working towards opening a business or some sort of side hustle, I'd eventually be able to make enough to take care of her and our family. I asked her what had changed between now and 10 months ago since she had told me that she would be happy with just having me for me. She told me that she thought she would be okay with it but as she sat on it for longer she didn't think she could be happy with that lifestyle. So, I told her that I felt like she was forcing me into a lifestyle that I don't really want for myself but she tells me it's more that she is trying to push me outside of my comfort zone. She feels that I may be waiting for an opportunity to come to me rather than creating my own opportunity to pursue a side hustle which is why I don't feel ready for it.

We were never really able to come to a middle ground for this conversation so we decided to just sit on the conversation and then revisit it another day. After about a week of sitting on it I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be forced to pursue something that I don't have enough drive to do at this moment and that I missed being back in my hometown with my friends and family.
She thinks that this is something that we can work through but I'm not sure if is but maybe I'm just giving up too easily.

TLDR: My girlfriend of 5 years wants me to be more career oriented than I am and I broke up with her because I thought our values/mindsets were too different. I'm just not sure if I'm giving up too early in our relationship or just not seeing the her side.

Posting on a throwaway for obvious reasons. Dinner tonight is just a small popsicle, not much of an appetite.

Where do I even begin?

My dad’s business he’s worked so hard to create came crashing down thanks to Trump. It’s being dissolved this year. He’s an immigrant that had nothing but came here and worked his ass off and against all odds gave me and my family a better life.

What did I do?

I had a rough time growing up despite having everything I needed, gave him a lot of shit growing up (we clashed a lot), did everything I could to not be him, became a drug addict (recovering now), fucked up the amazing life he gave to me. Granted, I was undiagnosed bipolar until 27 and by then the damage was done. Took some time to recover and now at 33 i’m in a much better place but still have a long way to go. My dad doesn’t know I’m recovering from cocaine addiction, he thinks I was an alcoholic. It was both. Trying really hard to get in a better financial spot to help my family, but I’m just a bartender that can barely get by myself. I’m in a ton of personal debt myself. Thankfully I have siblings that aren’t absolutely fuck ups and they’re able to help my family get through, but I can tell everyone wishes for more out of me but they never say it. They never make me feel bad. They always encourage me. I can’t even help my dad take out a loan that would help a lot because of my credit score and when I told him, he said it was okay but I could feel the disappointment.

Why do I suck so much in so many ways.. Whatever. They love me and I love them so much. I’ll do anything for them and I’m still trying. I just wish I did what he wanted me to a long time ago. He won’t be around for long, he’s past retirement age and still working. Chat, how bad did I fuck up my life and by proxy, my family’s? All questions are rhetorical and don’t need to be answered. Just needed to vent.

TLDR: Father worked hard to build good home for family. Current economy is killing his hard work. We are about to lose a lot and are struggling and I have no skills, money, or degree that can help.

Recently single. Got my own place. Making my own dinner.

Edit:

I cannot comment on my comments. I appreciate it them all!

To give some context, my mom has been suffering from a chronic illness most of her life, sometimes she gets flare-ups which cause her lots of pain. However, my mother also has issue keeping her emotions in check, and sometimes the slightest thing can set her off.

I still live at home having just graduated from college. For many years now, I've been struggling with occasional bouts of Imposter Syndrome, especially now while looking for work. Sometimes I feel inadequate, and feelings of stress/anxiety are always looming overhead.

Well, today she had another flare-up, and so I offered to take care of cooking so she can sit down and rest. Which she did not.

The whole time I'm trying to make dinner, she's in the kitchen telling me I need to do this and that, bending down or reaching up to grab pans, plates, utensils...and then complaining that she's in pain and no one helps her with anything, and that she shouldn't even have to ask for help, as if we can sense her pain on any given day.

I suppose arguing and cooking don't mix very well for me, because the whole situation gave me a minor anxiety attack. Something I hadn't experienced before, yet the feeling felt familiar somehow.

And then the realisation kind of sunk in that she's been making me feel this way most of my life. The times where she berated me as a child for minor mistakes. Making a scene in public when people mildly inconvenienced her and me having to apologise in her stead. Crying about not getting any help, then flying off the handle when things aren't done her way.

It's resulted in me feeling very indifferent toward my mom. Since my teens she has never been a person I share things with or talk to about my problems, because of an underlying fear of being reprimanded.

I know things haven't been easy for her. We've been poor for most of my life, and she's had to make do with very little while raising me on top of her illness, which is why I've always felt guilty about feeling the way I do about her. For the longest time I struggled finding a reason or a justification for it, but I think today's realisation finally helped me understand.

I feel that, once I find a job and save up enough money to finally move out of the house, I don't think I want her in my life anymore. I feel terrible thinking that way and wish things were different. But I think being away from her, at least for a long while, would impact my mental health very positively.

At least the burgers came out great despite the panic attack!

I'm 28 and I suffer from depression. When I was 13, my grandmother died, and that's when the idea of suicide first showed up. My psychiatrist told me that loss triggered it. It has been with me ever since. I've tried to end my life twice, once in my early twenties and once last year. Both attempts failed.

My dad died of prostate cancer, which later spread to his bladder, and they had to remove it. It was in 2023 or 2024. I don't remember well, even though I lived through it. I think my brain is trying to forget it.

A year and a half ago, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. She had surgery and was doing well afterward. I was working at the time, but last October I quit because the job was exhausting and the pay wasn't good either. Since then I haven't found anything. I have a degree, but nobody calls me back or hires me, and I feel like I'm not good at anything. I do some odd jobs, but they aren't enough. My mom supports both of us with her rental income and her pension, and I try to repay her by helping with whatever she needs, but even so I feel like a parasite and a failure.

I was diagnosed with autism as an adult, but my mom refuses to accept it because she has a very mistaken idea of what it is. My depression is treated with medication, though I feel like it doesn't help much. I have older siblings, but I don't get along with them. With some of them, barely.

In April this year, the cancer metastasized to her brain. For a while she lost movement on her entire right side. During that time I bathed her and changed her, and it hurt me deeply to see her like that. She's a little better now. A couple of days ago she had a biopsy and was hospitalized for a week. The results come out in two weeks. I feel, and I believe, that it's a very aggressive cancer and that it's going to end up killing her.

If my mom dies, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't find work and it stresses me out enormously. I don't know whether all of this will end well or badly, but the idea of suicide has always been there. I don't know if, when she dies, I'll be able to finish it. Maybe it will happen because of that, I don't know.

The only things keeping me alive right now are my mom and my two dogs. I can't have them with me because we moved into an apartment because of my mom. I visit them, but it hurts that they're not with me. I'm writing this while crying, and I cry alone, because I don't want to look weak in front of her.

Hi everyone, just wanted to post this and just share a little bit of my personal life.

So like the title says, I feel like my life has finally taken a turn for the better as of late. For some context, I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for the past 3 years, I moved states for university in a degree that I really didn’t care about. I left all my family and friends behind for something I really didn’t enjoy. I do want to say that I do believe education is important and there are definitely benefits to it, it’s just personally I was not there. My mind felt like it was thousands of miles away. I couldn’t focus on anything, my sleep was bad, diet was bad, I was basically decaying. I had to end things with my girlfriend because she also moved states for school and we just couldn’t do the whole long distance relationship. Ontop of that I was working barely minimum wage and had nothing left in my pocket after a week.

It was all getting to me, so I decided to take a gap year from school and visited home. As soon as I got back it felt like a fresh air, all my family, all my friends were all back in one place where I can see them whenever I wanted. I weeks trip turned to months and that’s when I decided to drop school all together. I reconnected with an old friend and he got me a job fairly quick. It’s well paying job, I would basically be considered middle class. I was able to buy a new car. At the moment I’m working with my dad to start our own business. It almost feels like a fairy tale right now by the way everything’s going.

I just wanted to share this to show anyone who’s going through any changes in life or just having a shitty time right now, there’s always something positive waiting for you. It may not feel like it now but if you can do something proactive in your life to steer you towards the right path, you should do it. I know I felt a lot of pressure about school and certain things I was taught by my family growing up, but at the end of the day, you know yourself best and what’s good for you. Don’t keep doing something because you think you may disappoint someone or that you believe it’s your responsibility. I was lucky to still have my friends and family’s support but you feel like no one is there for you, I promise you somewhere in this world there is.

P.S had some Parmesan crusted chicken with mashed potatoes and sautéed spinach from The Cheesecake Factory

I think I understand somewhat the appeal of using ai in place of a partner.

I started going on dates again recently after a few years of just being single. So far, it’s been one thing after another and I already feel like giving up.

The first one was meeting for coffee. I dressed up a bit because it was a date and also a nicer cafe, and he definitely did not even bathe beforehand. He had the personality of a generic ballpoint pen, and I left after half an hour.

The next guy also apparently came straight to the restaurant (for a lunch date) after rolling out of bed. Before we even ordered he said “we should go back to my place. If you put out you can stay over”. Like dude wtf? How low class can you be? If you want to hook up just say that, but if you call it a date and say “if you put out” you should honestly be launched into the sun.

Today was a third nightmare. Another lunch date with another guy. After he found out I’m a doctoral candidate in my field he decided to “mansplain” to me about my area of study. He’s never been to college, which is not inherently a bad thing, but he’s a total fucking dipshit who is insufferable stupid trying to tell me about something I literally have a masters degree in. We are talking a preschooler trying to explain physics because they saw the thumbnail of a Joe Rogaine video. He kept interrupting me and I left before I finished my food (I paid).

I really don’t think it’s asking too much for someone to take a few minutes to bathe and wear decent clothes, have the class to not be a disgusting sex pest, and to be fucking literate. My vice has been binging Bl but that just makes it worse because it reinforces what appear to be totally unrealistic standards.

I feel like a failure. I recently got a new job, and already, I feel like I’m causing problems.

I work at a hospital, not as a nurse, doctor, or anyone who interacts with patients. I work behind the scenes. I met a coworker who’s new to the country, and I’m new to the state, so we clicked. Whenever one of us isn’t there, people ask, “Where’s your best friend?” or “Where’s your bestie?”
We work on the same floor and have unassigned rooms, but everyone knows which rooms we’re individually responsible for. On Monday, we cleaned our rooms. When I tell you those rooms were incredible, I mean it! I was ready for my director to do her rounds on our floor because they were perfect. Well, she never came, time went on, and we clocked out.
About an hour later, I got a phone call from the director asking about my original schedule. I usually work Monday through Friday, but I had requested vacation days from Saturday through Thursday. I ended up canceling those days, so I was available and let them know. They told me to come in all week.

I told her Friday, and she said, “Okay, let’s stick with that schedule, and if anything changes, we’ll call you.”

I immediately texted my friend and coworker, telling him that she had called me and cut my hours. He told me she had called him, too, asking about his schedule and what we had done throughout the day. We didn’t think much of it, especially since the floor we work on requires a special uniform, and she had been wearing regular clothes.

When your hours get cut, it usually means either there’s been a scheduling issue or there’s a problem with you.

Today, my coworker went in, and they started yelling at him for not having his rooms done. Mind you, these are three huge rooms assigned to one person. He told me that she said she had cut my hours because apparently, he and I hadn’t done anything the entire day. My manager then chimed in, saying, “I’m getting to the point where we have to start letting people go.”

So, yeah, my hours have been cut. I work on Friday, so I’ll see what happens, but honestly, I’m terrified. At the same time, I know I shouldn’t let a job define me.
I might get fired, and that would be the first time I’ve ever been fired from a job. At the same time, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom in every aspect of my life. I know situations like this can teach us valuable lessons, but I’m already battling so much, and this feels like another thing being added to everything I’m going through.

I’m eating XiāngXī Fried Rice from the Mala Project Restaurant

Recommending if you live in NYC

Stuffed crust frozen supreme pizza

My new IFS therapist described the emotional phase I'm in is a lot like working out and that as difficult as it is I'm going to be breaking a new threshold.

I don't know what that means.

I know that when I worked out, I was surprised that after a year of consistency that I could carry my own weight and do flips on those gymnastic roman rings.

So I guess mentally or emotionally speaking I'm starting to mature? I'm breaking new ground in my trauma?

I still don't know what's going to happen.

I know that I'm slowly progressing forward and trying to get to a level of stability so I can start the actual EMDR therapy with my EMDR therapist. Right now we are in the preliminary phase. I just started exactly two months ago.

I'm seeing two therapists, one for IFS modality and the other for EMDR. I'm also on meds and doing 84mg spravato twice a week alongside the therapy.

The emotions that are attached to my trauma, the constant fear and sadness, are feeling like lighter structures I can see through and understand better at least.

Thanks for reading.

40m and 39f, married 16 years. If only she knew just how often I check her out that she doesn’t notice. Can’t get enough of that woman.

Dinner is fried potatoes and onions from elk camp. Burgers went on next.

Im turning 18 soon and I just feel so hopeless and alone. I have almost no friends and the friends I do have I cant be myself infront of without being judged and hurt. That leaves me to spend alot of time with my family and I love them so much, unfortunately they are very Christian and extremely homophibic including my 3 younger siblings who I love very much. It just hurts so bad I try so hard to be an amazing son for my parents and a great older brother to my siblings doing so many things i dont wanna be doing like going to church, trying to be a great example, trying my best to make sure my siblings feel so loved all while knowing eventually I will come out and not be loved by any of them. And my boyfriend I loved for a year and a half broke up with me because he didnt like guys Anymore. Im destroyed inside and just want a hug ☹️

my sad dinner today a diet coke some crackers and a banana

February of 2023, I got married. Valentine’s Day actually. It was a courthouse marriage in Colorado. I lived in Wisconsin at the time. So it was a wedding/honeymoon combined.

Before this, we dated and he seemed to be such a great guy. Not any big complaints.

Get married and move in together. We both have jobs. I’m paying the rent, and some other bills and he payed the rest. I have my college degree and he doesn’t, so he works jobs that are lower paying than me, but that’s fine. I don’t judge anybody on what job they work. About month 5 and he quits his job. Says management is bad. So I take on all of the bills. He gets another job, we split them again. This is a cycle that eventually turns into me paying for everything because he is so unreliable.

We move from Wisconsin to SATX. Mind you, I was making a hell of a lot more money in Wisco than I did in SATX. But, it’s still enough to cover bills and then some.

I eventually tell him that I just can’t pay for his car note anymore ($700 a month) and that he would need to pay it. Mind you, it’s ONE bill. He wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me it’s been stolen. (He smokes in the kitchen. There’s a window to show our parking lot and where we park our cars). Go through insurance etc. My insurance calls me and tells me that it’s been repoed and they almost filed charges against me. I’m so pissed. But, I still stayed because that’s my husband we can work it out.

A few months later, I find out he was cheating on me. And that was the last and final straw. I collected my evidence gave it to him, and he was in front of me on his knees on the kitchen floor begging for me to not leave him.

I offered him a plane ticket to wherever he wanted to go (Orlando FL) and a suitcase with his clothes and belongings. Mind you, I’ve pretty much paid for all of that.

We were cohabitating for around 3 weeks while he waited for whatever he was doing in Florida.

During that time, he told me that he never loved me and was with me because I took care of everything and he knew from the beginning I would.

Almost 2 years later, I’m so much happier than I was in that entire relationship.

The future may seem bleak to you in that moment. But I promise you. It gets better.

EDIT: this is over a two year period. I definitely shortened it down for yall.

(re-uploaded for clarity & to add NSFW)

Pizza grilled cheese: mozzarella, pepperoni, parmesan. Ate with a cream soda Poppi

recently I had to go no contact (digitally. we still talk at school) with one of my friends because their parents dont like me anymore. they do not trust me and also am worried that I am secretly dating their child.

for context, this friend had a mental health scare where they stopped taking their medication for a month and got super depressed. They would text me their suicidal thoughts and I would stay up until midnight or later trying to convince them not to do anything bad. Unfortunately, their parents would’ve preferred if I had reported them to 988 or a counselor. And thinking back on it, I should have.

I was just scared. I didn’t want to send them back to the mental hospital because they’ve been before and told me how much they hated it. the way they described it was so horrific that I didn’t take action.

thankfully, they got caught throwing away their pills and all of our conversations got read before anything bad actually happened. they are now getting help and doing better.

I can understand the parents’ concern and sudden dislike of me because this friend has attempted in the past. It’s not like I didn’t notice the signs and the history, I just didn’t want to do anything to upset them.

and what stings the most is how codependent our relationship had gotten. I bought them things without looking at the price, I took them places I didn’t really want to go, I called them and text them at all hours of the day, and so on. I’ve gotten comfortable being able to put them before myself.

I feel like I have no motivation anymore. I don’t have a real purpose or sense of direction by myself. I’ve been getting irritable and pushing away my other friends. As much as I hate it, I’m starting to resent this friend too.

for another piece of context, I don’t go to therapy and cant. I can’t really talk to my parents about it either. They don’t know how suicidal my friend got and I’m generally not allowed to be upset at home. in our family dynamic, im the easy child. The one that doesn’t cry or scream or argue, that type.

because of this, I have had to DIY most of my mental health problems. My ED, my social problems, & past trauma for examples. But this is something I don’t know how to fix. I’m still so uncomfortable setting boundaries and telling them no. I’m not supposed to be serious and uncomfortable, I’m the funny friend yk?

i guess I’m a little jealous that their problems get taken seriously while mine are ignored since they aren’t as severe. I wish that someone would just ask how I’m doing. I’d probably lie but it would be nice to know that someone cares.

it doesn’t help that being torn away from this relationship has made my (previously manageable) anxiety and paranoia way worse. I’ve needed reassurance from other friends way more than usual but most my friends don’t notice. Or maybe they do and don’t care. I’m not sure anymore.

and for the one person asking about the rest of my life, I went to school today then bought liquid IV from Walmart (bomb pop flavored) because I have vertigo and have to increase my salt intake. So no, this isn’t the only thing happening in my life, it’s just the most important thing.

*Chicken Pho with chicken pieces and shrimp wontons*

I turned 33 last week and I feel like I should be used to another year passing and nothing eventful happening. I had a few people say happy birthday but it gets less as the years go by. My two closest friends reached out on getting food and I been trying to reach out to ask when they are free to get something to eat but it just feels like I’m being a burden when they have to search their schedules and make room or they have to schedule something weeks after my birthday.

I do feel disappointed still from all that, but I also understand that I’m not their main priority in their lives, which is normal. One is very close to their family and the other has a partner. It makes miss when I was back in school with them when we would see each other in classes and hang out during and after school. Sometimes I yearn for those times and times when people I message/call would just drop things to hang out with you. Not take 1-3 business days to get back to you. But I understand priorities change.

As the years go by I lose more connections and I am stuck here in the mud. This whole year has been brutal. I have been job searching in a field I’ve been in for a decade with no luck and just ended up just getting something this month (not related to my field and much lower pay). I’m grateful since I was stressing on how I would meet the state health insurance requirement that comes into effect here in the US at the end of the year. I don’t think I could go not seeing my therapist for a long period of time.

Younger me would be really confused on what I’m doing with my life. I know everyone has their own timelines and you can’t trust people’s social media highlights. But it can feel very discouraging when all my immediate friends and cousins have a partner, career and a future. While I’m here getting a year older with none of that.

I like to hope that the year ahead is better, but I feel like I say that to myself every year. I know people will say that I’m not that old or some whimsical stuff, but it gets old fast like me.

I don’t really have a purpose for writing this other than to share my rants on getting older for myself. I don’t write this to be super negative because I know I have many things others do not have that I should be grateful for. It just feels like I’m invisible, silently spiraling with no one to share these daily thoughts with.

I hope anyone reading this has a good day or at least maybe you can find some peace knowing you aren't the only one feeling lost.