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I been imagining myself killing myself. I don't want to die at least I don't think so but I imagine myself dying in multiple ways like jumping off a roof or shooting myself. I think about what I would wear and also how I would look if I shot myself. The blood left on the door, the twitching my body would do and everything. I think about what people would think if I killed myself. Some days I think about it all the times but some days like today I don't think about it has much. This mindset isn't that new. When I was in college about a month ago, I thought about suicide even though I don't truly want to die. Also had this mindset last November where everybody was talking about college and the future. The times where I was up top a building I would just think like "what if I jump?" or if a car pass I would tip toe a lil closer to the passing car.

Honestly, I haven't been that excited about life. I don't want a job, a driver license, don't want to stay inside but don't want to stay outside.I just dropped out of college because the school wasn't a good fit for me but I never wanted to go anyways. I did it to feel better about myself and also my parents. I been in bed most of the times these past 2 days and don't really have that much energy. I struggle looking at myself in the mirror - I just avoid looking. I do enjoy music which is like the only thing I want to do in life. Music is a passion but I don't even practice making it.

I also been getting into existentialism and really leaning to god isn't real and when you die there is nothing. Nothing at all. I sometimes find death as comforting. I don't have a hard life yk. I have loving parents, they own a restaurant and im grateful for them hustling to give me and my siblings a nice life, I get groceries every week from my mom, Im not financially struggling. But death is comforting. The thought that you can check out when you're stress, or when you're frustrated or bored.

So right now I don't know what's wrong with me. thanks for the vent.

Man oh man...it has happened....AGAIN!! On October 14th, 2026 a "brown" mayor of Kerman (Fresno), California harassed a Black American man by following him around in her car and yelling at him and accusing him to be a I.C.E. agent...HUH?!! to say he was shocked and flabbergasted is a mf understatement and he rightly defended himself and is suing the city and the mayor for racial discrimination and harassment also back in 2022 Nury Martinez was purposely trying to faze out Black Angelinos (and Black Americans) from city finances and resources while at the same time caught on recording saying "Fuck that guy he's with the Blacks!" and all of this is going down in the so called "liberal" state of Cali smh and you wonder why posts like this exist and ppl don't understand or dgaf about the mental & emotional trauma that us Black Americans go thru and deal with...like I said I don't group myself with these other ethnic groups who is historically anti-Black American...how many more examples and evilness do we need to see that these mfs don't fw us???

SN: Last weekend Oct.24th,2026 a Jamaican called the police on a 3 year old boy in Winter Park, FL...another person of color that's literally melanated using the racist police against us Black Americans

what's with all this unbridled and unnecessary hatred towards us?? For all you "multi-culturalists'" these are the ppl you be fighting tooth n nail to form the fake ass coalition with

ETA: btw i KNOW yall digital Blackface mfs in this subreddit , as well as the self-hating kewns who read my posts...ik who you are and can tell...

The longer I’m around my family, the more resentful I feel. It’s like a constant reminder of all the harm and abuse that has happened over time. I’m at the point where I just want to distance myself from them. Just being in the same environment is triggering.

Sometimes I remember everything that has happened over the years & I just feel angry. Sometimes I feel hurt & betrayed. It sucks, but I gotta figure out how to move on.

(Ps. For all those in a similar situation, I feel your pain).

I’m 23 years old and I’ve been in university since 2021, I started when I was 17. I’ve switched my major twice. I’ve failed courses, idk how many probably 5, the class I’m taking right now I’m taking it for the 3rd time. I’m working part time and I can only take a max of 2 classes, even that would be too much for me, because it’s too much for my brain. I was diagnosed with autism last year and also major depressive disorder, persistent depression, ocd, anxiety, social anxiety, and BPD, all of this affects me everyday and I feel so behind other people my age. Like someone at my church got married this summer and she’s the same age as me. It’s gonna take me forever to graduate at this point and I feel like a worthless failure and waste of space. Everytime I try to study I feel anxious or have a full blown anxiety attack, I struggle to get out of bed most days but I have to force myself even though I don’t rlly want to. I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed because i live in a first world country, but I’ve been depressed and suicidal on and off for like 10 years. I honestly feel like a useless person

I’ve been scrolling through psychology today looking for a black psychologist so I chose black in the filter. There are so many clearly white people who choose this option. At first I dismissed it as maybe a mistake by older people. Maybe they think it’s about client focus or something, but most only choose black, not Spanish, or poc in general.

Try it for yourself. Filter for black therapists on the site and no less than 30% of the results are obviously white. It’s really weird.

at my school it’s mostly white people, and i’m black. i thought i was going to start school with confidence that being a black girl is not bad… but my confidence is nonexistent. especially since this school is new for me and i it’s opening my life to new people. But, it’s really hard. Like everyone there is tall. For ref im 14, and there’s so many girls my age at school that are already 5’8+. and i can’t help but notice it’s mainly the white girls that are that tall. I wish i was taller since forever and then i see these girls and they naturally have everything i wish i was. Like they are also very very skinny, i don’t know how but it’s not js the girls. its also the boys, they can even be taller than me yet still weigh 120 or <. it makes me feel heavy and fat, especially since i already struggle with body image. times when i started going to school i would get so unhappy and triggered or cry about it, or just stare at girls that had all these perfect features. they have the best facial features too, like they dont have a flat side profile? or their noses r very defined and stuff. and their life is just better too, my life is very messy and embarrassing. I wish i didn’t exist, so then no one will have to know of it. they also have the longest, nicest hair

but bcuz of all these things i feel like i can’t like anyone. sometimes a girl will compliment me and i feel like she’s just being nice instead of genuine. or, when i have a crush on a boy it turns out he’s very weird like racist or hangs out with white girls so i don’t even try bcux i know it’s over for me. and everyone knows each other a lot, probably bcux they’ve gone to this school their whole life and im new but still.

I think I’m done with Reddit. No matter how many times I click not interested I still get this bullshit on my homepage.

I would appreciate some advice, as the situation I’m in is sticky.
I’ve had a hard time getting jobs where I live that pay good enough for me to live on. I swear I do the MOST at my workplaces to the point where I’m used as an example for my other coworkers, but I never get paid the amount I’m supposed to and it’s made being here unliveable.
My family wants me to move back home but they were incredibly emotionally and physically abusive to me, to the point where I didn’t think I’d survive another year living with them. It’s been several years since and I have ptsd/derealization from the things that were done and said to me from then. They also live in a rural white area and there are minimal job opportunities, fortunately a few I could walk to but ofc not paying very well.
The plan would be for me to move back, build a savings and be greatful I have security when it comes to living at home- but mentally I’m not sure I’d be able to handle that. Meanwhile where I’m currently living I’m always on thin ice with management at work while doing so much for so little- I’m barely getting by. I would appreciate some advice. Both situations are bad and slowly eroding me- I’m just trying to make sure I’m making the right decision for me. Thank you.

I’m f18 black and in uni, everyone’s racist and I seriously mean it. I’m the only black girl in my major full of Arabs and I not only hear the n word on the daily but I also hear full on racist bs which I never thought I’d hear irl. In uni I don’t have much friends in my major so I’m only friends w this one girl which I found later on is a huge racist it’s actually disturbing, she told a guy to call me a n\*\*gro when he saw me :D! I have my friend group outside of this thank god and they are pushing me to report these people or atleast fight back but I don’t want to be lonely in my majors and I know that’s such a loser move from me but as someone who’s struggling with loneliness in school my entire life I’m still trying to learn how to defend myself even if it means losing people. I have also never faced racism in my life so idk how to deal with it I have become so desensitized to people saying racist stuff now when deep in my heart it’s hurting me.
I seem like such a suck up but I’m planning to stop talking to her soon because this is not right at all.

I feel like I have a lot going on, for most the fear of corporate layoffs. I haven't put much effort into sharing my internal challenges because that's just not something I came up assuming could be helpful. Any suggestions on finding a male therapist?

I don't know how to really put this, and honestly, I can't conjure up an answer right now. As of the time Im writing this, I'm still dizzy in the head from issues unrelated, and yet related to the ordeal I've been through. Good events happened, such as me applying to not one, but two graphic design jobs with cover letters attached. And neutral things happened, like me not knowing what to do with myself, staying in bed for what feels like an indeterminate amount of time, and detached from everything I see as relationship building, or course progressing, or just taking the time to just, walk and explore outside.

Now, does all this amount to something bad or malicious? I cannot be certain. It has been a fog in my mind that there are times when I feel, truly hopeless with something. And yet, I don't feel so self-beaten up about it, because at this point I really am experimenting with my emotions.

There is a special analogy from a certain series I think about all the time, where the drives from my mentality, emotions, physical state, and heat, all drive my will to move in certain ways. When one becomes uncontrolled and unstable as cancer does to the body, I don't see overriding it with a different state of mind or position the correct way to advance, nor do I see it as a call to suppress, reduce, or silence it almost entirely. It's as if the most important stage of my life I am continuously trying to master, is to let my will drive on its own terms, while living with whatever emotions, or physical pain, or mental fatigue I'm dealing with in each moment.

And yet, this is exactly the factor I am personally against through my heart and sense of self as a person. For many years, I've been driven by other people's advice and persuasion to push through my negative stasis and just complete whatever work I have to get done, as a means that I will feel "better" or see myself in a better disposition than where I was before. However, that in turn, only applies to my external position, physical awareness, and, to an extent, my mental state. Never has such a practice came to terms with how I am or what powerful emotions, be it positive or negative, I aam feeling in such moments, and at this time, I don't see myself ever conforming to such a reality.

So in the sake of my will, "what is it that I'm trying to achieve?" Well, that's a question that is unhinged in its own right, never always connecting to the situation at hand, or at least, not completely. I am, yes, still trying to figure myself out, something of which others stated is a responsibility of my own ownership. And despite it all, I can't help but seek out aid, assistance, a sense of understanding from the world around me. Because I, certainly, don't know everything I can do for myself.

TL;DR: The strongest condradictions in myself continue to be the most difficult to manage. I continue to explore this with myself, my position in improving my stasis, and the aid and perspective from the people and community around me. Thank you for listening, and may I ask:

What is your position on my journey so far, and how does it connect with yours, be it external, or personal?

It’s always been bad, but it’s to the point that I do not feel safe going outside without a fully charged body camera because people like to make underhanded comments towards black women or try to act as if we are contagious.

No advice because I have a healthy sense of self esteem and I know people who have been upset I take care of myself. People think the bullying of black women is going to make us shrink

Okay this might not be the right place to ask, but I am desperate 🥲😭 I’m 19 years old and I’m dealing with addiction to synthetic weed and alcohol. I’ve been looking for a substance abuse rehab in my state (Georgia) but it has been tough and I’ve been hearing mixed opinions about all of these places and I’ve had a couple bad experiences at a couple places as well. I’ve had to deal with some micoagressive staff or just places where I really didn’t feel like I belonged or fit in. I’m wondering if anyone on here has any experience dealing with substance abuse and how they treated it? Did you go to rehab as well? If so what one?🥲 I’m open to places in or near Georgia or also anywhere in the USA at this point 🥲 I just want to be in a space where I am actually cared for and treated well 🙏😭

Context. So she was dancing and then said “ I wanna see ur best dance move. “ I was like “ok haha” then she said “dance monkey dance. “ and the whole vibe changed from there. I paused. And she said it’s a meme. But I never heard a meme say that. And also you should have common sense to not say that to a black person. Then she said “does it make it better that I have all white friends?” She’s Asian and was lying bc her bff works there too and she’s not white.

I hate this bc we work so close together. It’s a tiny room. I love my job. Me and her were cool and now she made it awkward. Idc if she didn’t mean it that way. She lacks common sense. I’m so fucking sick of racism already. I don’t give anyone sympathy.

I really wish I wasn’t born in this stupid ass world with the dumb ass people.

F21 I feel like I’m bound to be alone for the rest of my life. I have zero friends and never had a boyfriend in my life. I’m undesirable. I’m the basic black girl. If I could rate myself, I would give myself a 3 or 4 to make it worse, I don’t want to befriend or date non-Black people at all, and it makes it harder because I’m an outcast in the black community too. I’m seen as uninteresting and people barely approach me. I just got over my latest crush because he said he talks to multiple girls at the same time. I had one friend but we barely talked and when I try to talk to her it went nowhere

I’m so I started thinking about this when I found out my hairstylist just got married to her high school sweetheart after nine years of being with each other. I’m so jealous of her, but I also had hope for me because she looks like me, but it’s too late for me because I’m out of high school and while I was in high school I had zero friends and no one I could talk to and I still dont so me thinking about my hairdresser. It makes me even more sad.

I don’t wanna be miserable and lonely for the rest of my life. I’m going to try and see if I can find some groups for black outcasts/ outsiders in my city. I probably won’t find any but hopefully I do. It’s really hurting me that whenever something happens in my life when it’s either happy or I need to vent I have no one to turn to besides ChatGPT. I just hope this changes soon and hopefully people will become interested in me and I find my soulmate. I don’t really wanna be the single rich Auntie right now I wanna feel wanted and desired.

TW: suicidal, self harm, abuse??

new here, i love this subreddit already tho hehe (\^o\^)

im a girl, recently turned 18.....ive had a very hard life especially when it comes to men, abuse, grooming, etc. im also very depressed. well i posted something quite similar to this in the depression subreddit, but was given nothing but creepy old men in my dms saying they could change me blah blah, it was so bad that i deleted my long running account, which i kinda regret but oh well. (if this isnt allowed tho plz delete it 😭)

anyway, im very depressed and have really bad suicidalthoughts and self harm , ive been this way for several years so its all i know. lately tho ive been feeling more and more hate towards others, especially towards men. but women too, and i feel so bad for it...well, i domt think i hate women, im just so overly envious of girls my age and older who get to be happy in life, especially my old middle school friends. we were so tight and now im the only one they dont talk to anymore. i know it has plenty to do with the fact that i moved before high school started, but still....its been a running thing since i can remember. i never had lasting girl friends in elementary, middle, not even high school, and i dont know whats wrong with me. i always disliked boys so i never went out of my way to be friends with them (i was kinda seeking their attention tho in elementary school, i think cuz the grooming cuz i still always felt so gross afterwards) but im also socially awkward and neurodivergent, ive never ever fit in. lately tho things have been worse....last year i had a horrible situationship with a guy a bit older than me, and he was so bad.....he was manipulative and fed off my depression and insecurities to regularly tear into me and guilt me into staying, eventually i cut him off....hes actually been trying to contact me every few months, not with threats but just annoying bs like "oh idk what i did wrong blah blah" like brother u one told me to kms 😭😭😭😭😭😭 (i guess i should also mention hes chinese, so theres nothing i can really do abt his former threats as im in the us) so after that i swore off dating, but felt so lonely....i always feel so lonely, but one day i met a woman, also chinese. thing is shes 35 DONT FLAME ME!!!!!!! i was very guarded but opened up andwas like wow shes so amazing and beautiful and ......we started dating....i go both ways, but this was my first time actually being with a girl. it was amazing, but i couldnt help the feeling that something felt so off, and eventually i broke up with her out of fear. i wanted everything to end there but she kept reaching out, and i felt so bad cuz i never thought i could have someone understand me like her. so we became friends again, but that quickly turned into ambiguity...mainly from her end, im too chicken to flirt so easily and im shy, she would always call me pet names and stuff, talk abt me moving in with her in china, that i wouldnt work and could just live off her. i didnt wanna do that, i want to work as well but i accepted the fantasy, cuz the thought of finally being taken care of for a bit after having to fend for myself all these years, was nice. recently tho, it all changed, i knew it would happen but i didnt expect to be so soon. only a couple days prior to this event, she was still calling me pet names, wrote a letter abt how much she liked me and wanted to be with me in the near future, and that in 3 years or sooner, our apprehension wouldnt matter and we would just be together anyway. then suddenly she announced a new girlfriend to me. i didnt know how to feel really. wow? that quick? after all u said? is what i wanted to say but i judy congratulated her instead. after all i did tell her that i didnt know when i would get better in my health, and that i didnt want her to wait for me even tho our feelings were so strong, and that if she got with another woman id be happy. so i was happy. but then ofc a whole 180. she barely talked to me and when she did it was abt her gf and how much she loved her. posts all about her girlfriend.....and how much she loved her. and this was all within like a day of them dating, and she told me they had only met a week ago. same thing with us, we had known each other barely a weel before we started dating. i was like ok cool. but then i suddenly realized that the word "love" hurt me so much. she never told me she loved me at all. ik it shouldnt matter so much to me, but it did. eventually i had to do something very hard and cut all contact with her completely, this time for good. no hard feelings or mean thoughts, just that it wasnt a thing anymore and id wish her happiness. now i just feel horrible. i feel so stupid. i feel used again. she was so kind but dropped me so suddenly? i know its my fault, im an immature brat accross the sea, but as black my heart feels, my heart beats with so much love and i wanted to be loved so badly. it just cements it inmy mind that im unloveable, ill never be loved in the way i crave. all my friends are online, accross the sea. i love them but i know to them im just an online friend and nothing more. im so alone in my real life. i feel so sad and alone. and now when i see men or women, i feel hatred. mostly toward myself. but ofc when i see couples i get really really pissed. its not fair. how come other ppl can find someone to love them, when ive been wanted to be loved for 18 years and i just keep getting groomed or used, or kept in the dark and then thrown away?????? or maybe im really crazy and imaginingthe pain for no reason.....wow word yap so sorry, if this isnt allowed, again, plz delete!!!!!!!!! if anyone read this far thank u for doing so (ノ_･､) i just hate being so alone, but now im so scarred by everything that im just so distant and dont even want to speak to ppl or make new friends again

Hi all,

Do you ever feel like you lose your personal style when you're going through a rough patch?

I've had a few traumatic experiences in the past three years and I couldn't stand being away from family. So when I moved in with them I had to keep most of my clothes packed away cos the house is overcrowded. And since then I've just been mostly wearing really boring clothes mostly for work.

Today I went through my old clothes and thought damn, I actually had a very colourful taste! Even my underwear and socks were colourful AF!

I saw some brands that I haven't even thought about in years. I just feel like I lost a sense of my identity even though I understand it seems kinda trivial

I sometimes feel like people don’t know the real me. I’m 20 so growing up as a sensitive young man. I feel like I have to perform for others. I wanted to ask if anyone has ever felt the same? And what happened when you finally stepped into yourself and stopped performing?

I'm too sad to type everything

Im just sad of being lonely

I keep trying to make friends and it doesn't work. And when it does work its people I meet online. And when it's people online I don't have anyone to really hang out with. And when I do have people to talk to..the worst thing is remembering all the people that have shit on me, left me, rejected me outright, bullied me, and it just compounds and makes it hard for me to even want friends in the first place. I'm so tired. At least once a day I feel like deleting, I'm so fucking sick of feeling like this. Cant afford fucking medication and therapy because not having a steady job for the last 4 months has put me in debt.

At this point just build facilities for us to delete. Nobody gaf anyway.