I wasn't even told there was an issue until the message where I was told I was being kicked out. I was then blocked by everybody so I couldn't even apologize for being me.

This is the fourth year in a row I've had a falling out because I accidentally annoy someone who lets it build up until they explode at me and kick me to the curb. I'm so sick of rejection. I'm so sick of being unlovable old me. I'm not even talkative, I'm a quiet person, but if I talk in any capacity I'm inevitably lowering how much they like me.

Edit: Why does everyone keep commenting asking what I said? If I knew what it was that caused them to turn on me it wouldn't hurt this much because I could work it out. Why am I always the one in the wrong? Who has to be the one to make changes? I'm sorry. It is my fault. I should have guessed that it was my fault, because it always fucking is my fault.

I've been working for years to get what I see as a perfect feminine body. I've mainly worked out my legs and from a combination of the fact I used to be fat and my work outs I've gotten a feminine body. But no one thinks black femboys are attractive. I've been on r/ femboy and no one there is black. It really hurts because it's really hard for a black guy to be feminine. I feel like all the work I've done isn't worth it. I'm starting to think if I had the most feminine male body ever naturally I'd be overlooked because I'm black. I'm not trying to be racist towards white femboys we're all cute :3. But I just don't like having to work harder just for someone to be interested in me as a femboy.

So the only friend i came out to as trans just blocked me and thought of killing themselves for letting me 'become this way'. I am so disgusting, why can't i just be happy with myself? Good life good parents good college no trauma no issues no problems why can't i just be happy for once? I fantasized so much about how the clothes would feel and i tried them on and liked it so much but why did i feel so ashamed of myself why can't i just be normal i hate this so much 90% of the world would gladly exchange their life for mine while i just want mine to be over already. Just waiting until my 'friend' leaks everything to everyone i know because then i'll finally have a reason good enough to end it all. The only person i was fully honest with wants to kill themselves now yay :3

Anyways, going to get drunk as fuck and hopefully someone offers me some drugs or whatever so that i can either feel something or finally die because i'm too cowardly to kill myself.

Why can't someone just come over and kill me? i just want someone to throw a bomb inside my brain spray me down with a machine gun whatever just don't want to live anymore

can't even get myself to cry. i'm trying to resist the impostor syndrome but it's so fucking hard because it's true i am not a girl i can try for the rest of my life but i will never be one i'm a guy whatever is in the mirror is a guy the garbage that comes out whenever i talk is manly the way i talk to everyone the way i think theres no changing it never i am a piece of trash for faking this for this long i thought i was finally at home and could relate to others but i was just faking it the entire time now the clothes i bought just make me feel so disgusting i never wanna see them again. faking the feelings faking the personality faking the wants and the needs i'm a fake i'm an asshole i can't take it anymore and i'm not even stupid enough to try and kill myself like running into traffic or whatever because i'll only do it if i know for sure it'll work and there is no safe way right now. i should have done it years ago when i last had the chance now i'm months away from the next opportunity.

edit 2 days later: i am doing much better after some ups and downs and i'm not giving up just yet. i am a girl. just gotta figure out transitioning and do what feels right so i can finally be myself.

ive been the target for harassment for almost a year daily now. my constant reports, staff witnessings and whatever else have all been ignored. (except that one time i fought back and got suspended but anyway x3)

im glad to say that they have mostly stopped, but its been replaced by new people. see the school is a SEN school, (so special education.) and usually they bring in maybe a small trickle of people every new term, maybe 1 - 2 a month for a bit until the list is empty.

but under new leadership rules, they decided one day to stuff the school with about 12 new children, all younger.

and the last 3 days have been complete hell.

some of the children, (we're secondary so we talking like 14 - 18) have taken it upon themselves to harass me, mainly over my weight (duh) perceived lack of parental income and protected characteristics like being bisexual :3

in the last 3 days ive had people mess with my property, (school property, but stuff ive specifically been using for years, like my custom painted chair.) threaten to destroy my stuff, threaten me with harm, call me multiple protected slurs, and just today, scream at the top of their lungs in my face, 3 to 4 people at a time ridiculing my appearance, and the star of the show: destroy the equipment i use to play the only sport i care about, because "its funny" and "fuck him," quote. >_<

not to mention, these people have been slooowly triangulating my houses location. theyve already found out where specifically in my county i live, only a matter of time till they literally find out where i exactly live.

ive actually stolen one of the rackets, a decently priced, 70USD (for u US sillies x3) racket bought by my old coach. and im not going to give it back, ever. xc

yes, ive tried "cope" ive tried "oh just tell the teachers." all my complaints have fallen on deaf ears, with no action taken whatsoever, and continuing harassment. (for almost a year, keep in mind.)

and im.. i dont know. xc i dont really have any desire to go back in on monday, id rather just stay at home having fun and actually enjoying myself, like i used to at school.

it's becoming a chore, and its been feeling more "try and resist punching them in the face" then its been "learning yay :3" its only a matter of time before one of these people gets my knuckles in ther face xc and it scares me, i dont want to hurt people, i just want to sit on my computer and learn about it! i want to continue my yachting course and sailing small boats, not have to twat somebody to feel safe.. x'c

I just had so many thoughts and feelings that I felt could only be valid if I was a girl. I felt like I could only be desirable if I was a girl. I felt like my male family members would take my feelings about wanting to not be touched more seriously if I was a girl. The only thing that made me less insecure about my body was trans fem body positivity online. But I know that I'm not a girl and it would be dishonest to myself and others to act as if I am.

I don't think being confident in my gender is supposed to make me feel bad, but I don't think I'm able to be satisfied with it.

In case anyone's wondering im closeted haven't done anything for transitioning yet and I dont do self harm though I would 100% do it of i wasnt a little bitch and wasnt afraid of pain so much

Both of my parents are really homophobic and transphobic. I went into my room, saw her holding my meds, and Googling what they are.. I'm fucked.. I'll probably be beaten, disowned, abused...I don't know what the fuck to do now.. I'm scared..

So one of my friends messaged me telling me to remove femboy from my Discord status because it was a slur against trans people. I couldn't help it and kind of freaked out and now 3 of my friends hate me because of it. I don't think femboy is a slur and I've never heard it used that way. One of them is my ex who called me a transphobe and it really hurt me. Is it true that it's a slur and is there any way to convince them? They were nice before and all of a sudden I disagree with one of them and they gossip to everyone else about me being some sort of transphobe. Little do they know I think I'm non-binary but that's besides the point :(

yeah i know oh another post from this guy complaining about being ugly this ugly that.. but i can't help im so depressed about this whole thing and have nowhere else to vent.. i always get told get on e which i want to but i don't see the point. every time i feel hopeful and think maybe i should, i come across posts from trans girls who pass so well and they all started hrt since they were 12-15. im well beyond that age (i know im oldshit lol) and see no point of it if everyone i see started so young. im so hopeless especially when complete cis looking trans girls feel they don't pass.. im like them what does that make me..

sorry i promise this will be the last post in a while

Why does shaving have to be so hard. After one day of shaving my legs it will grow back as these prickly hairs that hurt when I put my legs together. Same goes for my chest which usually after trying to shave will still show stubble now matter how much I try to get rid of it. After trying to find out how to clean shave I’m overwhelmed with information like being told to exfoliate using all different products like an exfoliating glove and use a different razor like a one blade which when I used it on my face I ended up cutting myself multiple times. Then I was recommended hair removal cream which I looked into and people said it causes chemical burns. Then people said electric razors which either causes bumps and irritation or doesn’t cut the hair at all like why can’t I just shave with a normal razor and be done.

Horrible job economy, no respect on workers from customers or the company itself, hospitals, food, housing, and education keep getting pricier with no signs of deflating, increasing attacks against anyone outside the religious norm, a collapsing government, incredibly damaging attacks on foreign countries, and their governments, and we may be approaching a second civil war.

I have no pride in this country anymore. I am ashamed. I am afraid. I want to leave and go somewhere else, somewhere where I can afford to live my life, and not worry about being attacked for being who I am.

As soon as I can afford to leave, I'm going to Canada.

My psychiatrist asked me that question and I couldn't respond so I was thinking about what to say. He then said "you don't want to be a boy do you?" in like an accusing tone and I was taken aback but quickly said no (even if that's just the fattest lie ever) then he said "oh thank god. I don't know if I could stand it if another fucking F SLUR rambled to me about their issues"" while doing these with his fingers " " when the word issues came up.. What the fuck.. I thought you cared about me..

my crush asked me if I was depressed (from out of nowhere) and I told him yes and that I’ve been depressed for about three years and he told me to go kill myself

Sorry for the late update, so, she did know what they are, and she did beat me, but.. she said she was sorry a few days after, but begged me to stop taking them.. I told her I would but I didn't ngl, sorry for the short update, I just don't know what else to say.. Any questions in the comments and I'll be responding asap

Finally found someone I love a lot and have done nothing but give them unconditional love and praise for being themself, even got them to get back into therapy and work on themselves and make them stop hating themselves and giving time and space they need and now out of no where they don't text, appear offline, play games alone, and have completely self isolated and I doubt they'll come back, this isn't even the first time this has happened, I always fall for someone who hates themselves so much and give them what I wish I had and they always love it at first until just throwing away everything we have for no reason at all and disappearing from the fucking earth, like omfg just love yourself enough to let me love you cuz you're depressions don't just hurt you they hurt me too

my bf needs a gf and should be happy in his life, not some undesirable guy whos playing dress up thinking he can be a substitute for a gf. its just not fair for him to be with me when there are so many pretty girls out there that deserve him more. im sure hed rather be seen holding hands with them not with me. he should proudly go on dates with pretty girls not an ugly guy. it hurts me more that when i tell him all these he just gets sad probably from realizing he deserves better and hes just stuck with me.. if i were given a chance to become a girl id be so happy and finally let him hold my hands

not that im taking estrogen or anything right now because i know its too late to change anything and itll be pointless but i wish i wouldve started before puberty because i hate looking like a man. i wanna be a sweet looking femboy people can love but instead im a full on man.. hrt wont do anything and my life is thus ruined

i know people older than me start much later well after 30 and get good results but im sure with my genetics i wont be one of those lucky ones. im sure my bf doesnt even find me attractive and regret being with me when there are actual lovable femboys out there i wanna die to make it up to him

and even then it already starts growing back in like a day anyways.. fuck body and facial hair. and well fuck the rest of my body too, only slightly better without it, especially my face. It doesnt help that this kind of maintenance takes so long to do either

Had to explain femboys again to my gf who just doesn’t understand them, then she went “I hate that, it feels gross and perverted” and I felt my insides die a little :3 Tried to pull the crossdressing and tomboy angles, and she went “that’s different, this is like you’re making fun of something”, also said it was close to pedophilia and said I was gross :3333333333333333333333 This might push her to break up with meeee