r/SeattleKraken • u/Individual-Net-9296 • 0m left
NEWS WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU BEAUTIFUL HOCKEY GOBLINS, YOU UNHINGED PUCK-CHASING MANIACS, AND YOU GLORIOUS SEATTLE MENACES! THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS HAVE STUMBLED INTO CLIMATE PLEDGE ARENA, AND THE KRAKEN ARE READY TO TURN THIS INTO A MAPLE-SCENTED CARNIVAL OF CANADIAN DESPAIR! IT’S FUCKING GAMEDAY! 🦑🔥💙
WELCOME TO SEATTLE, TORONTO!!! HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE FLIGHT, BECAUSE THE NEXT THREE PERIODS ARE GOING TO BE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS PLEASANT!!!
TORONTO! THE CITY WHERE HOCKEY FANS PAY THE PRICE OF A USED HONDA CIVIC TO WATCH THEIR TEAM INVENT NEW AND INNOVATIVE WAYS TO EXPERIENCE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!
A FRANCHISE THAT TURNS EVERY PROMISING SEASON INTO A GROUP PROJECT WHERE EVERYBODY FORGETS THE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT!
THE MAPLE LEAFS HAVE AUSTON MATTHEWS! WILLIAM NYLANDER! AND ENOUGH OFFENSIVE FIREPOWER TO MAKE A GOALTENDER QUESTION HIS ENTIRE CAREER!
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE DECADES OF PLAYOFF DISAPPOINTMENT FOLLOWING THEM AROUND LIKE AN UNPAID PARKING TICKET!
AUSTON MATTHEWS IS IN OUR BUILDING! HIDE THE FUCKING PUCKS! 💀
BOBBY MCMANN GETS TO FACE HIS FORMER TEAM!
BOBBY! TONIGHT IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOUR OLD EMPLOYER A PERFORMANCE REVIEW WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN GOALS!
REASON FOR TERMINATION: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DISCOMBOBULATED! 🚨😭
JARED MCCANN IS INJURED! JANI NYMAN HAS BEEN SUMMONED FROM THE MINORS!
NYMAN! YOU’VE BEEN TEARING UP THE AHL! NOW SHOW THESE MAPLE-SCENTED NINCOMPOOPS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A FINNISH HOCKEY PLAYER GETS UNLEASHED ON AN UNSUSPECTING CANADIAN FRANCHISE!
AND SEATTLE!
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED AGAINST MINNESOTA?!
FIVE GOALS ALLOWED! ONE GOAL SCORED!
OUTSHOT 16-1 IN THE SECOND PERIOD?!
SIXTEEN TO FUCKING ONE!
THAT’S NOT A HOCKEY GAME! THAT’S A FUCKING HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION!
THE WILD WERE FIRING PUCKS LIKE THEY HAD AN UNLIMITED AMMUNITION CHEAT CODE WHILE SEATTLE WAS APPARENTLY WAITING FOR WRITTEN PERMISSION TO CROSS CENTER ICE! 😭💀
LANE LAMBERT BETTER HAVE SPENT THE LAST THREE DAYS EXPLAINING THAT SHOOTING THE PUCK IS NOT AGAINST THE RULES!
MATTY BENIERS! KAAPO KAKKO! JORDAN EBERLE!
STOP CIRCLING THE FUCKING WAGON AND FIRE THE PUCK!
TORONTO’S DEFENSE HAS THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF WET TOILET PAPER!
THEIR DEFENSIVE ZONE LOOKS LIKE A TRAFFIC ROUNDABOUT DESIGNED BY A DISCOMBOBULATED FLIBBERTIGIBBET!
SOMEBODY GET TO THE NET! SOMEBODY WIN A BOARD BATTLE! SOMEBODY MAKE THE GOAL HORN DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN COLLECT FUCKING DUST! 🚨
AND CAN WE DISCUSS TORONTO’S FANBASE?!
THEY’VE BEEN WAITING SINCE 1967 FOR ANOTHER STANLEY CUP!
1967!
HUMANITY HAS LANDED ON THE MOON! INVENTED THE INTERNET! DEVELOPED SMARTPHONES! AND TORONTO IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WIN FOUR PLAYOFF ROUNDS! 😭🍁
THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP DROUGHT IS OLD ENOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR RETIREMENT BENEFITS!
AND NOW THEY’VE FLOWN ACROSS THE CONTINENT TO VISIT A CITY WHERE EVEN THE OCTOBER RAIN IS READY TO MAKE THEIR EVENING MISERABLE!!!
AND I SAY THIS WITH NO DUE RESPECT!
THIS IS OUR FUCKING BUILDING!!!
WE ARE NOT LETTING AUSTON MATTHEWS USE OUR DEFENSIVE ZONE AS HIS PERSONAL SHOOTING GALLERY!
AND WE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WATCHING ANOTHER PERIOD WHERE SEATTLE GETS OUTSHOT SO BADLY THAT THE SCOREKEEPER NEEDS A FUCKING CALCULATOR!
THE KRAKEN WILL TURN THE MAPLE LEAFS INTO AUTUMN MULCH AND SEND THEM BACK TO TORONTO WITH A COMPLIMENTARY BAG OF SEATTLE COMPOST! 😭
TORONTO CAN TAKE ITS MAPLE SYRUP! ITS CHAMPIONSHIP DROUGHT! AND ITS PREPOSTEROUS HOCKEY EXPECTATIONS BACK THROUGH SEA-TAC!!!
SEATTLE IS KEEPING THE TWO FUCKING POINTS!
NO MORAL VICTORIES! NO LOLLYGAGGING! NO THIRD-PERIOD TOMFOOLERY!
RELEASE THE FUCKING KRAKEN!
LET’S GO KRAKEN! 🦑🔥💙🏒

