Please don't rip me to shreds but if you want to do it as Ive been told from people you DON'T want mental illness/es I am 16 and have autism and have suffered with mental health for over 6 or so years and I've never gotten actual help with anything mentally wrong apart from a few talks at my school and like an intervention with people to try and stop or calm down my substance use even though I smoke weed daily and have done mdma 20 times I'm 3 months

My brother (M 33) has fibromyalgia, which has caused him chronic pain for about 11 years. I posted here about his overall history, but since he frequents that group, I didn't want to get too specific about his current state. He has not been to therapy since he was about 17. He used to have night terrors about his friends and family dying horribly. He has OCD, but uses it to focus and obsess over details, driving himself mad with his overanalyzing.

He is a dog sitter and has a business because of it. He told my mom about a week ago that he is going through it mentally. For example, he got good news from a client, which will lead to him being on a salary & paying off all his debt. Most would be very excited and feel a weight off of them, but instead, this led to my brother having a mental break, spiraling for days.

This week, he has been sitting a family friend's dogs. They can be a little naughty, and he has fair concerns that the owners need to be more strict and train them better. My brother has decided that one dog is the 'problem,' and the other behaves better when she is separated from the other. This escalated the other night, when he said the dog tried to bite him and that she has hostile energy. He uploaded a normal picture of the dog sitting in her crate to ChatGPT, and it spit out all this information about how the dog is aggressive, follows his eyes, and suggests he call animal control.

At this point, we are trying to talk him down without breaking the illusion or completely denying his observations, because we don't want to set him off further. He told a neighbor the dog was an issue, and the neighbor came over and sedated the dog. The neighbor said the dog was acting a bit anxious, but my brother was legitimately afraid for his life. This dog is a 25- to 30-pound cattle dog with separation anxiety. She has been having accidents in her crate, and he thinks it is intentional and that she is showing 'dominance '? My brother is 6'2" and about 170-ish pounds. None of us believe this dog is actually dangerous, and this was emphasized by him sending the ChatGPT chat where he was asking it, 'Does the dog need to be put down, or can it be fixed'

He sent my mom a video of the dog in the crate, just sitting there, not moving or making a sound, saying, 'This is wild; she is in the crate, and she still wants to kill me.' My mom convinced him to take the 'good' dog back to his place for the night and let the neighbor check on the other dog. He said that he wanted to get away from the dog, because if she did anything to him, he 'wouldn't be able to stop [himself] from breaking the dog's neck' and that it is 'second nature' for him to break a dog's neck if he needs to. (He has never killed or harmed any animal in his care as an adult; as a child, he enjoyed taunting the pet cats we had, but nothing alarming).

ChatGPT has validated all of this delusion. Making him feel that all of his paranoia is valid. When my mom told him he cannot trust what AI says, he just says that it is right and he can trust it. It even told him that his chronic pain is my family's fault for not supporting him enough after his injury. He has gone through phases where my mom is the problem, then it's my dad, and it repeats. He even sent my mom a long list of all the instances of 'abuse' in his life, copied and pasted from the chat. Including an instance when he tried to punch/attack my dad, and my dad just pinned him so he would not hurt himself or others.

With his chronic pain and sensitivity, it seems that he is just always on the edge of a cliff, waiting for something to push him off. He never takes responsibility for problems in his life; he always finds someone or something to blame. It is all his OCD making him obsess over events and details, and he has taken small instances of family jokes and has blown them up to the level of a severely abused child.

My mom drove out there to 'help watch the dog', but to really assess the situation and see if she needs to have mental health services intervene (and protect the dogs). My mom doesn't want to totally freak out the neighbors or family friends because, since his business is pet management, if anyone knew how he was acting, he would be ruined. But now he is convinced that my mom is 'not obeying' him, is putting his business at risk, and is asking her to never visit or talk to him again. He says that he is going to let the family friend come home 'to say goodbye' before he calls animal control, for a dog who has never bitten anyone; she was just anxious, pooping in her crate, and is not well leash-trained.

I know it is loaded to say this because he is 5 years older than me, and I haven't lived his life. But this dog is not aggressive at all. He was not abused as a child. My parents have bailed him out over and over, paying for his debts, being there every time he has had an episode, and doing their best to help him. But he is an adult, and if he doesn't want to do go a therapist or doctor, they can't force him. My mom has gathered information for local mental health crisis services and does not plan on talking to him alone; instead, she plans to do it as a group with the family friends after they get home.

This is a long-winded way to say: What do you do as a parent/family member when someone is delusional and using AI to convince themselves everything they say is right? Any suggestions for how to approach him about it?

TLDR: What do you do when someone is mentally ill, possibly in a state of AI-supported psychosis, and they do not want help, but they could be about to harm others and/or ruin their career? How do you approach someone not in their right mind?

I’ve been struggling with depression for years now, and lately I’ve reached a point where I’m finding it incredibly difficult to see a future for myself. It’s really really dark, and to be honest I’ve decided to disappear

I recently ordered a book called *The Last Book*. It’s designed to help people organize their final thoughts, memories, and important information for the people closest to them after their d4th. Something about having that book made everything feel a lot more real, and it’s been difficult to process.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about disappearing and not having to deal with life anymore. I’ve started to convince myself that the people around me would be better off without me. I know that might sound harsh, but when you’ve spent so long feeling like a burden, it can become difficult to see yourself any other way.

I’ve tried getting help over the years, but I still feel deeply unhappy and exhausted. It’s frustrating to keep struggling when you feel like nothing is making a meaningful difference.

I’m not looking for generic advice or people telling me that everything will magically get better. I just want to be able to talk honestly about where I’m at without feeling judged or dismissed.

Has anyone else ever reached a point where they felt completely hopeless, even after trying to get help? What helped you get through a period when you genuinely couldn’t imagine things getting better?

I could really use some honest, compassionate perspectives right now.

I was today years old (almost 28) when I learned that when psychiatrists ask about impulsivity, they're probably talking about actions and not just impulsive thoughts.

Was just a realization I had when I was having impulsive thoughts to go off on someone via text but I was doing what I could to step back from the situation instead. So I looked it up and I might've been confusing intrusiveness with impulsivity. I do have impulsivity as well (usually with accidentally interrupting people).

And that's an issue I think that needs to be discussed. Psychiatrists ask you about XYZ symptoms but don't often explain what XYZ symptoms are. And typically, you - as the patient - are in a very vulnerable position. I'm personally uncomfortable asking for clarification in those situations. Am getting better, but it's a journey. But how can we address this? Should psychiatrists automatically be providing clarification about what the symptom means, instead of trusting their patient's knowledge?

Hello people of r/mentalillness! There has been a situation happening with friend ever since I added them online. I’ve known this person irl for quite a while but when I added them online And talked to them with other online friends they acted completely different. Irl they are a sort of awkward person who stays in their friend group but is comfortable with them. However online he acts like he is psychopathic. Recently he claimed he had taken apart his mother’s engine so that he didn’t have to go to HS. However, the next day he was there. He very commonly lies about stuff he claims he has done. A bit ago he was in an Amazon warehouse And found a “talking box”. Please help me identify how I may help him And if And further context is needed I will be happy to provide. If this is not the right sub please direct me to a better one.

Been struggling with trauma impairment for the last 5 1/2 years. I thought it was a mental illness that I just wasn’t working hard enough to resolve. I just came to the conclusion that I have something wrong with my brain. I did take this test and scored 142 which is I think pretty substantial I don’t know ChatGPT is like you need to get help. I’m like I’m trying to get help. I don’t even know where to go. I asked my Psych Doctor to refer me for neurology so I can get a functional MRI scan done to see if there is anything to see in my brain regarding the function decline that I have sustained for 5 1/2 years.

I suffer tremendously with task initiation impairment that compounds every time I take a break or reset . Every time I take a break at work I have to do Mental gymnastics before I can get myself to start if I can get myself to start. I lose that Battle a lot. My goal is to get a referral for occupational therapy in my home to help resolve through skill development maybe gaining some function back.

I also get stuck in negative thought loops when it comes to an injustice and an inability to predict the outcome of accountability to the person who did me wrong. I get stuck in it for months. I know I’m doing it. I could see I’m doing it. I know it’s not healthy. I don’t know how to stop it.

I have overdone Mental health treatments in an attempt to circumvent the issues. I’ve experienced while my mood has stabilized thank God. My functional impairment remains untouched. But I’m not giving up yet. I’ve worked too hard and too long to not try one more thing.

Any encouragement would be helpful because at this point, something has to change cause I can’t live like this for much more time.

This was after seeing my older brother on event in the ICU after a cardiac arrest event. This was in 2021 during full Covid protocol so we were sent up one by one to go and traumatize ourselves. There was no warning no discussion just go see him and come back when you’re done and I fled the building hyperventilating in tears and collapsed in the parking garage because I just did not have anything to prepare me for that site and the emotions that flooded my brain. That was the day I stopped functioning the way the old me did. I’ve been crushed with identity crisis after identity crisis because of this. I just want answers so that I can process what’s happening or happened and start healing.

I was on autopilot after and in my mind on the fuzzy channel of the TV in my mind for 2 full months. I thought this was treatment resistant depress. because I’m not actively grieving and I’ve done the trauma work. Why am I not getting better? Well I need someone specialized to evaluate and give me strategic tools and resources to circumvent the missing connections in my brain. At least that’s the way that I think of it.

I am very interested to see what my brain scan say when I do get them. I feel like I have a brain injury. has anyone else gone through neurology when their depression is not managed their typical and atypical treatment? Did your scans confirm your suspicions too?

Anyone have any advice on how to navigate a program? I’m kind of excited but also terrified of getting treatment. Likely being treated for bpd and ed along with depression/anxiety. Any tips or experiences to share? I don’t want to mess this up, my goal is to be healthy for my bf and dogs!!

I could type a wall of text but I'll try not to. Keeping it as simple as possible, over the years I found that my friends and people I've dated have done horrible things to each other or eventually me for the sake of some kind of selfishness (social connection, get with a friend's ex, turn them against their gf/bf when they're having relationship issues so they can hook up after, cave to pressure/lies from others to mistreat someone (usually with the goal of using the person in question in some way), etc)

I will say the good news is these people I disconnected from 1. did it to each other before and after me so I didn't take it entirely personally and 2. The moment i got away from them, most people liked me elsewhere who were in every way better people. But then those people eventually would do something selfish and shitty to someone close to them (not me). I was raised by an abuser, so while I haven't confirmed I do think I have some sort of kneejerk disconnect from people who do something horrible to someone they seemed to care about. I assume CPTSD.

I pretty much fully disconnected from making friends no matter how much people would try by around 2016, they even had a couple psuedo interventions for me. I don't trust anyone. I then went into a remote work job during covid and worked remote for around 7 years. During those years, I started to have outbursts.

So far as I know no trigger, I often can't even tell I'm doing it, it's almost like a fury induced trance until my dog or a stress ceiling I was reaching snap me out of it. I pace aimlessly around my house, and I basically lose myself in my own mind yelling at.... well no one. An empty seat on my couch as an example. Maybe its not different but it disturbs me more bc at least you can visualize someone sitting on a couch, but other times when I snap out of it I realize I'm screaming at like a desk lamp or the corner of a room.

Maybe not the right thing to quote here but Obi-Wan's frustrated "you were the chosen one" feels like the type of message that my mind is losing itself in. Angrily yelling at whoever my mind chose to, about how they were manipulated/used or what they did to me was because they didn't consider this or that or assumed the wrong thing or whatever.

This scream/rant "trance" most often lasts 5-15 minutes but I've reached 2 hours on multiple occasions. The only reason I'm not 100% scared is I don't actually see or think anyone is there, its more "screaming in that direction". I think I'm more scared about how there is no trigger and how I actually disappear into it.

What is this? Have people heard of this before? Is it psychosis or on it's way to being that?

EDIT: To clarify, the yelling is VERBAL. Not me screaming internally, I'm raising my voice-yelling in my house.

I know you've probably seen a lot of these posts, but I just wanted to vent a bit.

I suffer from clinical depression, seasonal depression, anxiety disorder. Every single day I wake up tired. I usually sleep 2-3 hours at nights. If I wake up during the night, I can't go back to sleep, but if it is day, it's a lot easier for some reason. I can't remember when was the last time I managed to sleep 8 whole hours.

I forget a lot. My best friend told me the gender of their upcoming baby, and I forgot. The other day I was watching a video, and I learned something cool about a video game. I tell a friend of mine, and he says I told him that trick a week ago???!

I don't have motivation for anything. I am obese and only xanax really help with weight and motivation.

How am I supposed to live like this? I struggle to find a job as you can imagine, and if that's not enough I am a software developer, and due to AI it's nearly impossible to find a job.

I am trying to see something positive in my life, but I really can't. I am trapped in a tunnel and there is no light.

Thank you for reading ❤️

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Suffering from symptoms of mental illness can be extremely exhausting and I don't give myself enough credit for things I have done and gone through in dealing with such symptoms of depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar and so on. I was diagnosed as a kid with a learning disability and currently I'm being supported by SSD. So my question is....Does anyone else suffering like I am take credit or give themselves credit for managing everyday life considering the struggles we have?

Hey im new here. Just had a question that google isnt helping me answer. Is there a word for wishing you wouldve k*lled yourself years ago bc now you cant? Or is that just suicidal? Like i cant die and would never do that to my son. But sometimes I just wish I wouldve gone through with it in highschool bc this shit is just too hard.

I have questioned for a while if I have one of these. I’ve completed online quizzes ( I know they are not necessarily reliable) and seen stuff online which I relate to. I also have family members with both. It seems like a long and difficult process and if I were to go private, expensive. Is it worth it? Would it actually be helpful since I’m already out of school?

Lotta pointless stuff going on with me rn but

I really wanna cut myself and drink my own blood

I really wanna sleep and skip school and look at my phone all day and maybe play videogames and do NOTHIMG but lay in bed in the dark under my blanket and maybe goon. I wanna starve myself a lotttt. I hate myself because I don't study and I've already lost quite a bit of weight over 2 months from starving myself.

It hurts so much. Please help me.

I (17) never would have thought I could get this attached to someone, but here I am. I can’t stop thinking about her, and it’s tearing me apart.

I’m pretty new to deep friendships. I usually isolate as a coping mechanism, but I’ve been trying to push myself to be closer with people beyond surface level.

It all started a few weeks ago. We met in my Discord server. At first, she was actually the clingy one. If I didn’t message in the chat for a few minutes, she would be like, “Where did my name go?” We bonded quickly. At first, we were both obsessed with each other. We would message and play games all day. I really let her in.

A few days ago, she started messaging me less, and it’s been driving me crazy. I’ve told her I’m worried she hates me or thinks I’m annoying, and she’s reassured me that I’m still her favorite person. I sneak my phone into school and check i t every few minutes to see if she’s messaged me. This morning, I was freaking out and asking my irl friends for reassurance that she doesn’t hate me because she wasn’t responding to my text.

I think about her constantly all throughout the day. I just want her out of my head. What did I do wrong? Does she have a new favorite person?

To sum it up, I do deal with severe depression and anxiety and have for around 9 years. This didn’t start until maybe 3(ish) years ago but only occasionally maybe twice a year I would just get extremely frustrated and have the almost uncontrollable urge to like just make the ugliest movements/ facial expressions I can, I have to actively tell myself to keep my hands down and act normal but I would just feel an urge to do it. I have never seen anyone post anything at all similar and have no idea what this could mean. Also, recently it’s been happening more often, maybe once every 2 months.

I have never posted before so apologies if i’m unorganized.

I want people to take me seriously but they ignore me unless I hurt myself to get them to care about me. Whenever I'm sad it's always "wow you're unbelievable" "why are you like this, I didn't even do anything" and "excuses". It makes me want to kill myself, because then they'll finally take me seriously. And whenever I do self-harm they finally care about me, so it does work. But I want them to care about me anyway. I don't want killing myself to be the first conclusion I come to whenever I feel ignored, but apparently it's the only option. I hate it. I hate everyone around me and I just want to kill them all and then myself so they'll finally know how serious I am about how I feel. I just don't get why nobody will look at me or take care of me unless I hurt myself. Not even crying and screaming helps, they just leave me when I'm in distress. I don't wanna be abandoned. I'm just a kid, why won't anyone take care of me???

Hi all. I am aware how harmful self diagnosis is with OCD or any mental health disorder. That being said, I have a sneaky suspicion I have OCD tendencies (no, not just obsessive cleaning). If anyone takes time to read this; thank you. It’s 3am and my boyfriend is asleep next to me. I feel insane.

For starters my dad has a plethora of mental illness. I went to therapy as a young adult for “general anxiety” and “social anxiety. I was put on lexapro for a year but weaned off. I feel I do a pretty good job at masking the intensity of my feelings/behaviors when speaking to someone, even a licensed professional, for what is an internal fear of being judged I assume. Recently I have began sharing things with my boyfriend that I have never really shared before, and I’m wondering if I should search for help even though I was never diagnosed in the past during years of therapy.

For starters, since I was a teenager, I thought it was normal to always assume the worst possible thing happening. My brother driving home late? I would be crying to my mom and hyperventilating he’s going to crash. I have spiral thoughts about health anxiety. When my one gruesome worry goes away, a new one replaces it! I recently got a cat whom I adore and I do the same thing with her health, as in calling the vet multiple times a week for things I make up (but feel real to me). Recently I did laundry and then couldn’t find my cat for a moment. I started crying and panicking to my boyfriend that I think I accidentally through our cat in the wash with the laundry by accident and killed her. I opened the wash mid cycle and packed (and convinced myself, so much so I swear I could almost see her) that she was in there. I’m crying during this btw. And start digging through the wet clothes and throwing them on the ground to try to find her in there.

She eventually walks up behind me, coming out of our bedroom, completely unharmed, almost as if she’s staring at me like “what are you doing?” I start to sob more because I feel crazy. My boyfriend (neurotypical, bless his heart), comforts me and holds me, but does not understand.

Im petrified to have kids. Anything I love deeptly (ie my cat, sister, etc). I have HORRIBLE intrusive thoughts about losing them horrifically. Like a few times a week. It makes me fear having kids because I know these intense thoughts will come with them I’m sure. I wish I could just be “chill.” On the outside I may seem it. I have good friend groups, a great job, bf, apartment, etc. I laugh a lot. I have a decent appearance when I try and feel like I look like I’m having a great time, when usually I am not. Sometimes if I cannot find something to stress about and create a loop in my head, I still have a looming sense of impending doom. A heaviness. It doesn’t feel like depression though. I mentioned this to my boyfriend because I kind of thought it was normal, and I am finding out it is not.

Another thing. I suffer from dermatillomania. SEVERE skin picking. Like bad, since I was a teenager (late twenties now). I can’t get my nails done because of the shape of my nail beds and cuticles. They’re usually bleeding or just picked raw. The severity happens in waves, but it’s always there. The other day I got blood on our couch by accident from it. It’s debilitating. I always think if I don’t do it something bad will happen. I am a good person. I volunteer with animals, I have compassion for people, and I try hard to be a good and caring human. But why do I always feel like I’m disgusting and a horrible, deranged human? Like people will somehow “figure me out” when there isn’t anything I am hiding?

I have had friends with OCD who for instance, will have to flick the light switch a certain amount of times, or have a very intricate night time routine of touching both sides of the bed a certain time. I never experienced these so it never crossed my mind I could have OCD. I mean, I still don’t know if I have anything. I came to this subreddit since my insurance is a high deductible plan and I would have to pay out of pocket to find a provider, diagnosis, meds, the whole shabang.

Do I just have normal anxiety or worth getting looked at further? Again, I’m not self diagnosing. I don’t go around telling people I have this. I’m just desperate.

My friends are pretty granola and “natural,” so I always told myself if I had any mental disorder, I could probably just heal it with diet, exercise, herbs, good vibes, WHATEVER. But now it seems like it’s out of my control.

My earliest memories at ages 3-5 are based around anxiety.

I remember when I was so anxious about my parents not playing a game with me I had made up at age 5 but they didn’t get it and laughed it off. And it made me even more anxious because the important of it wasn’t acknowledged.

I remember feeling a lot of shame when I triple checked my name card in preschool while I was learning to spell my own name. The staff and teachers almost got fed up at how much I asked about if I had the right name card for my table seat.

I remember feeling like shit in my birthday at age 11 because I wasn’t sure if I should keep my doll someone gifted me or if I should just give it away because I didn’t play with dolls. The only reason I was so stuck worrying was because a friend told me it had a rare set of stickers inside and if I didn’t keep it I was loosing out on it.

When I was in highschool I was so nervous about having to grow up and deal with shitloads of stress in the real world when I graduated. I was barely even ready yet being behind the curve from autism and having lost all my friends from being undiagnosed depressed and anxious or because they where mentally ill and left the school.

My first year of college I took an introductory class on how college works and showed up late for the final. I was so nervous about the fact I wasted my study time trying to complete the find a major assignment. But I “wasted it” having a panic attack over the assignment. What major I picked felt like it would define my life and whole career trajectory.

Anxiety has really governed my whole life and depression has been this my on again off again thing I’ve dealt with without realizing till now.

It could just be that I’m still getting used to my meds this week, but I feel really sad about the fact I was such a jerk and pushed people away or made them uncomfortable enough to leave me because of my undiagnosed mental health issues. I want to feel better but I still feel bad about all of the hurt I’ve caused.

I know I’m not a bad person for dealing with these issues. The hurt I caused doesn’t maje me feel worse about myself because i know what was really at play. But it just still hurts that intentional or unintentional theres a lot of rifts in my life.

I wish I could go back and tell everyone my mood was dependent on having a messed up life that in combo with bad brain chemistry made me insufferable. And now that I’m treating the root causes with meds and therapy I’m going to be a better person.

I wish I could tell them I’m sorry and that it wasn’t my fault I was such a mean bitch or so anxious. Really, it was a lot of things pressing my buttons that got me to be that way.

But I’ll never see those people again. I lost their phone numbers and we fell out of touch after graduation from highschool and after moving to different towns and going to different colleges and starting different jobs and quitting jobs and after a million things changed as I’ve grown up in my life.

And even though I want to feel happy in life I do t want the guilt of carrying this trail of destruction behind me I just avoid or can’t fix. Because your past matters a lot. It can affect your future if that’s the impression people carry of you and share with others. Especially so since I live in a small tight knit community.

I already knew this, but it really hit me in the face today how absolutely worthless I am as a friend and as a partner.

My partner told me earlier that he wished we could play video games together, and I agreed, and then he tried to suggest finagling Steam on my barely alive computer to play games.

And I came up with a series of reasons not to, but in the end it's just cause I'm lazy. I'm lazy, I don't want to move or think or try to do anything, I don't find enjoyment in anything. He's REALLY good at every video game he touches somehow, and I'm anything but. The most I've ever played is basically Minecraft and FNF (and related mods), and stupid random mobile games. To play with him at any kind of game he actually likes, I'd just lose over and over and over until it killed any slight entertainment, and then I'd give up and not touch it again and therefore never get good enough for it to ever be fun.

And damn is that depressing, and such a slap in the face to realize that I'm actively avoiding doing anything "fun" because I'm too lazy and too fucked in the head to do ANYTHING without finding a reason in it to hate myself and rip myself apart (both figuratively and literally).

I'm not any good as a person to talk to or converse with at all because every conversation ends up being about me me me and my problems and my issues and how depressed I am and how I'm so fucked up and how I'm so worthless and I'm so much better off dead. Which is why all my friends have pulled away from me or are currently pulling away because they realize I'm too fucking broken. Not to mention I actively destroy all my relationships by insulting people or leading them on or telling them too much or masking too much or scaring the shit out of them or treating them like they're just as worthless as me. No self-respecting person would or should stay around a person like me.

But I'm also no good as a friend in any other way because I can't DO anything and I refuse to do anything. Literally the only purpose I serve is my body to my partner. And he'd never ever say that, but we don't even hardly talk irl we just cuddle and make out and get physical, and it just makes me feel like a slutty POS that I can't have a simple romantic relationship without having to be constantly touching him or thinking about sex and being SO cripplingly hypersexual.

I have no idea why he stays with me. Love is not a real reason to stay with a person this mentally unstable (I also severely self harm and have been hospitalized and attempted/nearly attempted several times, and he knows about all of it. Oh, and the only times I've ever heard him cry were when I made him cry by talking like I am right now. Fuck me). He can love me all he wants but he'll realize eventually that I'm too far gone and he can't fix me, and he'll leave like everyone else.

And honestly, I wish he would leave. Then I could vanish from this world without any strings and without caring about anyone. Then I wouldn't have to feel the constant guilt about what I'm doing to him, and what my death would do to him. Then I would be able to die (or live) happy knowing he's better off without me and can start to live a much better life without me, and find a partner who can love him back the way he deserves, and won't threaten suicide on a daily basis. Maybe if he left he could find a girl who'd play his favorite video games with him. As basic as that. Because he deserves better than me. And at this rate, anything is better than me. I'm just lazy and worthless and useless and boring and stupid and careless and frustrating and depressed and destructive.

He's better off without me. Everyone is.

So I don't know like I suffer from a lot of things not suffer but just I go through a lot of things. I self harm.
I have depression and anxiety. I have ADHD autism and all of that I have torrets, but one of the biggest things that make me self harm in the first place is the way I see my body but I feel like it's not how usual people see their body like yeah always. We look at our body. We're like oh I need to lose weight. I look at my body and I think I genuinely need to take out the fat from my body surgically myself and it really scares me. I| look at myself and I picture like you are a fucking ogre you're ugly you're fat you are disgusting.
You should die. You should kill yourself. Go die go die and you just plays over my head every single day. I don't. I'm a little bit overweight. I'm like the slightest bit overweight but if I keep eating and eating which I try not to. I have cut my stomach so many times because of how ugly I think I look and I feel I look and I know I look and I just I can't with my stomach and When I dissociate I either imagine or I pretend to perform the act of taking the fat out myself surgically I scratched my stomach. I look at my stomach or I just punch it so so much . it's it's so much worse than that at times of the night out of it and it really scares me and I'm I'm telling my it's so much worse than that too and I'm telling my Therapist about it I'm telling her all about it and she says I've disordered eating or eating disorder I don't purge. I'm not underweight. I'm overweight which yeah I know can be eating just thought I don't know what fucking type and | just | really need help. I need to lose weight or I am going to die. And just to clarify because I am talking on the self text from a speaker I do think I have an eating disorder or disordered eating or something like that. I do not know what type I do not know what I have. I do not know why I have it and I I just I really really really need help. My Therapist knows everything she’s not doing everything. I have tried exercise nutritionist. I have tried gym. I have tried going off eating. I have tried the little eating apps. I’ve tried another person although I forget what you call them you called them. I’ve done a self trainee person where they come to your house and they train you or where I go to them. They train me. I’ve I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried everything and it doesn’t work. It does not work because I either can’t get myself to get up and go or I’m too injured or I just I sit down the bottom and I give up and I can’t do it anymore and it won’t work. I know myself I can’t do that because it won’t work I’m not against anyone with a body too. It is just me. I see people I see people overweight. I see people underweight. I see people just normal and I think I honestly I do not care. I think that all beautiful I think everyone is beautiful but when it’s just me, I hate me. I hate me. I hate me . I hate myself so much .I’ve tried So I was just wondering if you guys could give me a bit of help on what you think might be going on with me thank you you guys

TW: suicide and self harm and a madman going fucking crazy

i just realized how much I hate being disabled, like it literally JUST hit me so hard all the sudden where I realize “holy shit, this ACTUALLY fucking SUCKS, I actually really hate this so much, holy fucking shit.”

I have severe MDD, and there is a high chance i have AuDHD (therapists, and psychologists have seen signs in me but I have not been officially diagnosed yet, my parents are trying to get be a diagnosis but the process is so fucking long bro ughhhh). I feel like I’m treated different because of how I am. I get that people are trying to help me but I feel like my mental health is brought up ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! My aunt literally checked my arm twice to see if I had SH scars just out of nowhere, I hated that so much, My parents put away the knives, they check up on me often, and they get mad when I have a mental breakdown, they also told me they’re stressed and were at their limit when I had 3-4 incidents where I would scratch my arms and hit my head, one of the incidents, I tried to impulsively commit suicide in class by hitting my head on the wall very hard, the teachers believed I had warning signs of a seizure (I did not get a seizure), and when I got to the hospital they wanted to send me to the psych ward again (I HATED THAT PLACE SOOO MUCH I STILL GET FLASHBACKS FROM THAT PLACE). When I had an intense mental breakdown yesterday my dad threatened to take me to the psych ward again because he was “scared” apparently and “didn’t know what to do and had no choice” and I started screaming and going crazy when my dad threatened that. My parents also took away a concert because of my “bad behavior” (me doing self harm). I’m also the only family member in my dad’s side that is mentally disabled and needs accommodations for school. Back then my family didn’t believe there was something wrong with me, which caused even more damage, they were also transphobic to me back then which caused me lots of trauma, and two years later, they’re wrong and all the sudden they’re trying to make it up, when the damage has already been done. Im seen different even by kids at school, at this point they probably think im the fucking walking dead because I survived a suicide attempt IN SCHOOL. I don’t get why my parents get mad when I “act out” I have a disability and it FUCKING SUCKS TO LIVE WITH IT!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! EVER SINCE I WENT TO THE PSYCH WARD IVE BEEN TREATED DIFFERENTLY IN GENERAL, I HATE IT, I HATE HOW I HAVE TO TAKE PILLS, I HATE HOW I NEED A SAFETY PLAN, I HATE KNOWING I NEED FUCKING ACCOMIDATIONS AT SCHOOL BECAUSE OF MY DISABILITY WHY CANT I BE NORMAL WHY CANT I BE NEUROTYPICAL ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR I HATE HAVING MDD I HATE IT I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE EVERYTHING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY (LITERALLY) DAMAGED BRAIN

My entire life was and is purposeless, I don't have any hobbies, nothing seems fun, I don't know how to talk to anyone, especially when I don't have any clue about anything because I'm dumb. I don't care about what will happen to me. There was and probably still is this stupid thing about me when I want to do something I want to do, I won't do it, because I'm ashamed of it (I'm talking about simple things like listening to music or cooking). My life is boring, like I said, nothing is fun for me. I don't go out because I probably have enormous social anxiety, I'm stressed almost all the time when I go out. I don't see my future. I'm thinking that I should not be born, I'm just a parasite. Of course I've had thoughts about ending myself, but it is not the way. I'm just an NPC. I could probably tell more, but who cares. So, how can I gain the ability to have fun with my life?

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I just want to say I'm sorry if this post isn't a very good post I'm horrible at writing and English even though it's the only language I speak

I'm not quite sure how to start this but I have realized since I stopped forceing myselfto pretend I'm normal I'm fine just a little sad I've noticed a lot of things that have disturbed me mainly that the idea of death is so comforting it feels like something to look forward to a end to the shit in the world something good something comforting and very interesting but at the same time I'm horrified at the idea of not seeing my gf again thats how I've been able to convince myself not to kill myself every time it gets to that point

Now before I get to why I think this might be I'm going to say I'm not longer depressed I only have few hour long depressive episodes fairly often but I think it might be partly because when I was depressed for 4 years and most of my childhood I would comfort myself by saying I was going to comment but I would always forget and if it wasn't planned it all of a sudden would be to difficult because my brain is a bitch

If you have any questions ask if I missed any details you may want I'll try my best to answer and I would rather have the hard truth then some soft crap