r/CerebralPalsy • u/RemarkableEditor3942 • 2h ago
Dealing with the expectation of failure.
Hi guys, it's the first time I'm posting on this sub. English is not my first language, so bear with me. I would like some advice because I've never met anyone with the same condition. I've had spastic hemiplegia(right) ever since I was born. It's not so serious that I have trouble living life on my own, but it does prevent me from achieving proficiency in anything that requires normal physical capabilities,
When I take an interest in something, I want to do it well, but I can't due to my CP. I wanted to play the guitar, or play soccer but I can't when the right side of my body is incapable of moving properly and is frail. I often ended up stopping midway because my CP startd to get in the way. As I got older, I've come to hate engaging in anything physical because it reminds me of my disability. I hate having to explain to people why my hand or my leg is kinda stiff.
Most importantly, it ingrained an expectation of failure within me. I feel that whenever I do something physical, I'm gonna screw up because I have 20yrs experience of failure under my belt. It has affected my mindset and outlook on life. I always think to myself what could have been if I didn't have CP. I now subconsciously believe that I will fail at things that aren't physical at all. I recently failed to get into graduate school even though I studied hard for two years. I didn't even cry because I realized a part of me was expecting failure. My mind prepared me in advance so I wouldn't just break down. That's how accustomed to failure I've become.
I was always ambitious, with clear life goals. I wanted live life to the fullest and experience the world. But I keep running into a brick wall even though I work rly hard. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can't escape failure. I know I can't blame my disability for everything, and I have made many mistakes in my life. But how do I stop letting this expectation of failure affect me?