Hello good morning I’ve been a long time lurker here I never posted, but here goes nothing:

I’ve had numerous miscarriages and one infant loss of my first and only son at 5 days old. since I was 16 I’m 32 now but the one I had earlier this year seems to have torn me apart. I had an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks which resulted in surgery and removal of my left tube. She was gonna be so beautiful.( “she” based off sneak peek at 6 weeks) I live in DC and I went to my first wave of light last night. It was beautiful 🥲 I never did one for my son, but this year I celebrated them both and I plan to go back every year after🥰

I’m struggling to understand. My husband and I did everything right. I even dreamt of holding her in my arms. Why would this happen. I will never heal.

I’m 39F and miscarried at around 12 weeks.

The physical part was much worse than I expected. I needed medication to complete the miscarriage and ended up in the ER because of very heavy bleeding and fainting. It was so scary. I felt like my body broke down. I’m still recovering from that, but emotionally I feel like I’m still falling apart.

What I’m struggling with most is that I’m not only grieving the pregnancy itself. My husband is very adamant not wanting any more kids. We have one child.

Before I became pregnant, my husband had said he didn’t want any more children. I was heartbroken but tried my best to be ok with it. But then he stopped using condoms and I became pregnant almost immediately, and I genuinely believed he had changed his mind knowing I wanted I another child so much.

To my surprise he was mad. He even accused me planning it to happen even though he was the one who didn't want to use condoms. I never pressured or asked him to do that. But after the initial shock he became supportive. I slowly started to believe that he had accepted the pregnancy and maybe even wanted the baby in the end.

That belief became a huge part of how I experienced the pregnancy. I felt incredibly close to him. I imagined our family with another child. I thought we were beginning a new chapter together.

When I found out I was miscarrying, one of the things that kept me going was the thought that maybe we could try again. I thought we had both lost a baby we wanted and that we would somehow get through the grief together.

Now I know that isn’t how he feels. He has told me clearly that he still doesn’t want another child and doesn’t want to try again. He didn't want this one. He was just being lazy with condoms.

I feel like something inside me collapsed.

I know he is allowed to feel differently. I know I cannot ask him to want another child just because I do. But knowing that doesn’t make the grief any easier. I'm angry and disappointed with him for putting me through all this just because he didn't feel like using condoms and apparently thought I was too old to get pregnant. I was so happy for us but none of it was true.

I’m grieving the baby, but I’m also grieving the future I had already started to imagine. And I feel very alone in the loss because I don’t think my husband is grieving the same thing I am.

For anyone who has felt alone in a miscarriage because their partner experienced the pregnancy or the loss very differently: how did you get through it?

How do you grieve something that meant everything to you when the person beside you doesn’t seem to have lost the same thing?

Hi everyone,

I'm posting because I'm really confused, frightened and struggling with the uncertainty of what's happening. I'm hoping someone in the UK has experienced something similar and can share their experience, particularly with how the NHS handled it.

I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar, what their hCG levels did, how long it took to resolve, and what follow-up they received.

Here's my timeline from the beginning.

My last period started on 11 September and lasted until around 15 September. On 25 September, my partner and I had sex, and although it wasn't intentional, an accident happened. I took ellaOne within approximately two hours.

I initially thought my period was late because of the emergency contraception. When my period didn't arrive, I started taking pregnancy tests because I was worried.

I took five tests in total. Three were negative. One showed a very faint line, but it appeared well after the test's recommended reading time, so I wasn't sure whether it was a genuine positive or an evaporation line. The fifth test was positive, with a line appearing within around 20 seconds.

I was shocked because I wasn't planning to have a baby and wasn't ready for a pregnancy. I arranged an abortion consultation through BPAS.

Then the bleeding started.

On 19 October, I started bleeding quite heavily, similar to a bad period, with significant abdominal cramps and lower back pain. I passed several clots, including one around the size of a 50p coin, and later passed a larger clot with pinkish-grey tissue. I continued passing clots over the following days. The bleeding gradually became lighter and turned into spotting, which continued until 23 October.

I contacted NHS 111 and was referred for medical assessment. At one point, my back pain was quite severe, although it later improved.

I was due to attend my BPAS appointment on 23 October. At that appointment, the doctor performed a urine pregnancy test, which was negative. The doctor told me that it appeared to have been a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. I asked whether there could still be pregnancy tissue remaining and was told that the urine test would be positive if tissue remained.

They also took a blood sample to measure my hCG.

The blood results are what's confusing me now.

My first blood hCG result was 79. I was asked to return approximately 48 hours later for another blood test.

The second result came back at 71.

So my hCG has fallen, but only by 8 points, which is approximately a 10% decrease over 48 hours.

By the time I received the second result, the bleeding and spotting had stopped, and I wasn't experiencing abdominal pain or dizziness. I felt physically okay, which made me hope that everything was resolving.

However, I started reading about hCG levels after miscarriage and became worried because I had read that hCG should fall more quickly in a resolving pregnancy.

I called the early pregnancy unit again because I was frightened and wanted to know whether I needed an earlier assessment.

I explained the entire situation, including the negative urine test and the blood results of 79 and 71.

The nurse discussed my case with the senior team. They told me that my hCG was very low and that an ultrasound at this level would be unlikely to show anything. They advised me to wait another week and repeat the blood test next Sunday to see whether the hCG had fallen further.

I understand that they have discussed my case and made a plan, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to sit with the uncertainty.

I haven't had an ultrasound confirming where the pregnancy was located. I haven't been told that I have an ectopic pregnancy, and I desperately hope that isn't the case. I'm just struggling to understand what the results mean and why my hCG has only fallen by 10%.

I know that a negative urine test and the fact that the bleeding has stopped might feel reassuring, but I don't understand whether the miscarriage is complete, whether my body is still clearing the pregnancy hormone, or whether something else needs to be considered.

I also don't want to unnecessarily distrust the medical team, especially when they've spoken to their seniors, but I feel that I'm being asked to wait without fully understanding what's happening.

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone in the UK who has experienced something similar.

- Has anyone had a negative urine pregnancy test but a low positive blood hCG after an early miscarriage?

- Has anyone had hCG fall only slightly over 48 hours, for example from 79 to 71?

- If this happened to you, what happened to your levels over the following week?

- Did your NHS early pregnancy unit ask you to wait a week for another blood test, or did they arrange earlier blood tests or an ultrasound?

- Did you eventually get confirmation that the miscarriage was complete?

- If your pregnancy's location had never been confirmed on a scan, how did the NHS follow up with you?

I know everyone's experience is different, and I'm not expecting anyone to give me a definitive medical answer online. I would just really appreciate hearing from people who have been through this, especially in the UK, so I know what their experience of the process was like.

I'm emotionally exhausted by the waiting and uncertainty. I wasn't ready for this pregnancy, and while I want to know that everything is resolving safely, I also desperately want some clarity so I can begin to move forward.

Thank you for reading this far. Any experiences, advice or reassurance would mean a lot to me.

I honored my baby by dropping a fully grown flower with a budding flower into the lake, symbolizing his potential life and the short life he had.

I had so many dreams for you. You’ll never get to feel the heat of the sun on your face or the breeze in your hair. What would your favorite animal be? What would make you laugh? I hope not a single day goes by where I don’t think of you. I love you so much and I always will, but I wish you were still here with me. I would have been 17 weeks pregnant, but you’ve been in heaven for 5 weeks now. I miss you every day

I don’t even know what to say, I just need to vent somewhere. My wife and I are sitting at home right now and our world is completely destroyed.

Yesterday we found out she had total fluid loss (PPROM) at 16 weeks. Everything seemed fine before this, and then just like that, it's all gone. We spent a terrifying night at the hospital trying to process everything, and the reality that there’s nothing anyone can do to save our baby. We’re home now waiting for the induced delivery, and I feel totally numb and broken.

I can’t stop crying. Every time I look at my wife I just break down again. She’s in pain, throwing up from the stress, and grieving so hard. I feel so useless watching her go through this. I know people say PPROM is just a random biological failure and not our fault, but as the dad, the guilt is crushing me. I feel like I failed to protect my wife and my child.

We loved this baby so much. I don't know how you go from planning your whole future with your child to sitting in a room with empty arms.

I'm just holding her hand, crying with her, and trying to make it through the next hour. If anyone else here has gone through this, how do you even survive a day like this?

To start this off, this was my 2nd child, I currently have a 4 year old boy. I AM STILL PRO CHOICE. I was a case of “what could go wrong?” And my intention is to spread knowledge on a possible bad experience as well as answer questions for others if needed. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.

Oct 6th — At what was supposed to be my 10th week of pregnancy, an ultrasound discovered my baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. My partner and I went to the emergency room and had another ultrasound, with more advanced equipment, which confirmed the previous conclusion—no heartbeat. I was referred to an OB so we could get a sooner appointment than my original checkup that was scheduled.

Oct 8th — I went to an OB appointment and was told I was experiencing a “missed miscarriage” and I was given my options. I could wait for things to happen naturally, take misoprostol (AKA the abortion pill) to tell my body to start the process, or have a D&C (a surgery where they scrape everything out of your uterus). I chose the medicine since I did have a 4 year old at home and I could do it at a more convenient time to ensure his schedule and childcare. When I went to my pharmacy, I was informed my insurance will not cover it. I found out this is due to my state’s laws (Missouri) and the coding falls under abortion although it was for a miscarriage. Then again, why should I bother wait to see if I go septic just bc old men decide they own my body right?

October 16th — I had ordered a care kid from the “Early Pregnancy Loss Association” which came just in time, and had a few things that made my process less scary and less painful and less financially straining. So once I was finally able to have my medicine and proper childcare, I decided to take the dose I was told (4 misoprostol pills) at about 8pm. I started (about 30min prior) my regular cycle of the prescribed oxycodone and Tylenol. I experienced some discomfort, cramping and bleeding no worse than a moderate period, and lower back pains.

October 17th — At about 8-8:30pm the bleeding slowed, I wasn’t in much pain at all so I decided to take the second dose (4 misoprostol pills) as was instructed to do since I had not passed any tissue at all and met the other guidelines they gave me for needing them. I very quickly experienced dizziness, shakes, cramping, and lower back pains. I also began to bleed heavily as well as pass large clots. I was not able to walk without help and could feel my body failing to hold itself up. Within an hour I bled through two maxi pads, filled 5oz of a potty hat, and nearly over filled the strainer on the hat with a few large clots. After checking, I decided to wait another hour and check the bleeding again. Within 30 minutes something felt wrong, while my partner helped me to the bathroom I nearly fell and when I pulled my disposable underwear down, I was overflowing both the maxi pad as well as the disposable period underwear. As I called my partner to get ready for the hospital, the blood continued to run down both my legs and pool onto the floor in a trail where I had moved. We rushed as fast as my body would allow me to move and as we left stopped by a cop to ask for an escort or some sort of ambulance ride (getting pulled over would’ve not been a fun story to add to this.)

Still October 17th — when the ambulance arrived I remember them noting the blood running down my legs, taking vitals, giving me an IV, and the lady was so nice and talked to me the whole time I still have spots in my memory since I was so out of it. When I got to the hospital my partner was getting there and had followed behind the whole time. I was brought inside, checked in, given some warm blankets and my vitals were checked consistently. I kept asking for my partner until I was finally allowed visitors. I was so in and out of it that I don’t remember most of what happened and can only go off bits of memory, corrections, and the medical notes I read of my visit. I continued bleeding, a lot, and they drew blood to check levels of things and confirm blood type. I felt pressure and though I needed to pee so my partner and the nurse helped me to the restroom, it was an unsuccessful trip but did give good opportunity to change my pad.

Oct 18th — I was brought to do an ultrasound, which revealed I had not passed the baby, which in the notes it is said I still contained a “possible misshapen gestational sac.” A speculum was used on me so that the blood flow could be measure (not sure how that works but my partner said they stuck a sponge on a stick in me but it felt to me like I was being stuffed with paper towels lol) At about 4am the on call OB recommended another dose of misoprostol (4 pills), a dose of something to slow bleeding, and a pad count. I continued bleeding decently, and the pain only got worse the whole time. I felt as if I were in full blown labor, back pain, cramping, I got the shakes again, and to prepare for the blood transfusion it was attempted multiple times to put a second IV but my veins would not take, even when guided by ultrasound. Because of this, any IV meds were finished, and the first unit of blood was started. I felt more alert after that and in between the first and second bag, I was helped to the bathroom again. I felt the pressure but did not recognize through the dizziness and pain I still felt that it was the baby. As I tried to get help, the hospital toilet auto flushed and took my baby with it. (I was too in shock to process it had happened until the next night). My pain got better for a moment but quickly returned. I was exhausted enough at that point that during the second bag of blood my partner and I fell asleep on the bed together. Throughout this process my blood pressure had stayed steady in the moderate to severely low range. Nearing the end of the second bag though, it did become more stable. When they asked if I felt comfortable enough to go home I said yes, since I would rather be more comfortable than just sitting there. We got Burger King (I was so hungry lol) went home and got as much rest as possible. I started back on pain meds (I had none during the hospital visit). My pain did not let up, was just more spotty, and I continued heavy bleeding.

Oct 19th — I rested most of the day, still in pain and bleeding, and we went to get the previously mentioned 4 year old back so not to disturb his schedule too much. Out of motherly love and just straight up I missed my boy, we spent a very painful hour in a store walking around having fun but he was happy and so was I. My partner was a huge help in this and on the drive back I started to feel very hot and cold at the same time. We got back home, got the little one in bed, and checked my temperature. Consistently through the night I was at 100-102.

Oct 20th — In the morning, we decided to allow all of us to rest until my OB follow up appointment. My temperature stayed about 99-100 dropping to 98 at my appointment (after I drank cold water but they said it was fine and logged me for the 99.8 I had before). I told them about how the bleeding was like a period at this point but the pain was still severe. He told me I could take Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc again. He asked me if I wanted to plan for another baby or get birth control. I let him know I had no plans of anything right now because I want to get past the problem at hand and feel better first. He scheduled a birth control appointment for 2 weeks out and ordered a transvaginal ultrasound for the next day. To no surprise the pain did not get better, luckily the fever did, and the bleeding was about the same.

Oct 21st — We were able to resume the same school schedule as before (thanks to so much help from my amazing partner) and before time for pick up went to the ultrasound appointment. It was extremely painful, uncomfortable, and I was very lucky the tech was so amazing and listened to me like I was a friend. (I did send in a good note on her for the system that specific provider uses especially after being in such a vulnerable state and feeling so overwhelmed and as if the male OB the day prior did not listen.) by the end of the day my bleeding was a bit lighter but my pain had gotten bad again. The results came in and stated “The endometrium is heterogenous and measures 9.6 mm - May represent? blood. Cannot rule out a small amount of retained POC” I was also contacted being told I would need four HCG blood draws to attempt to follow my levels to 0 and that everything looked well enough we can follow my symptoms and attempt to avoid surgery.

Oct 22 — I was in very little pain in the morning but still not very stable when it came to walking a lot, as the day went on I became slower and I was hurting more and more in my lower back and the cramps came back, similar to contractions again. My bleeding lessened decently and I was able to transfer back to regular pads instead of maxi pads.

Oct 23 — I woke up in pain, I’d been in pain off and on throughout the morning, but my partner has been such a supportive and wonderful person through this whole process so far. Only about halfway done with the day I got extremely pained and tired. Luckily, I am also now only in need of a liner.

Oct 24th — I spent all night/morning in pain and with a fever, at one point reaching 104. When I wiped I saw some pinkish grey tissue, but otherwise I stopped bleeding entirely. I was in pain most the day but it subsided, I’m just a little ynsteady and suddenly got exhausted and here we are again at night, 6pm frame, and my fever is back to 101. I understand “just one night” may not have been the most concerning but this is the third night🥺. And it’s a Saturday so unless I go to urgent care or the hospital everywhere else is closed.

!!!UPDATE!!!
Oct 24th night — I went to the ER after hitting a fever of 105. They did blood testing, a transvaginal ultrasound, and a pelvic exam to confirm an infection. They set me up on fluids and antibiotics and gave me methylergonovine (helps with postpartum bleeding). They sent me home around midnight with a referral for an OB appointment asap and a prescription for antibiotics and 3 more doses of the methylergonovine. I should (hopefully) be back with an update in a couple of days

Heartbreaking parentes. My wife felt kicking last night and morning. But she felt baby was quiet between 10-12 am. We rushed to the hospital and there was no heartbreath. Our beloved son passed away just one day before due date...just think of it to carry the baby 40+weeks but lose it day before... We have two healthy girls age 9 and 12 but they do not know yet about it.. We are lying on bed with babyboy who wont move:((( We have time tomarrow at 8am at hospital to the rest job.. almighty God our hearts ar bleeding.

My sister has struggled to conceive for a long time. She conceived once before but sadly miscarried, so when she became pregnant again, it meant so much to her and to all of us. Recently, she found out that her baby has a severe brain and skull abnormality, and the prognosis is heartbreaking. She’ll have to go through a termination, and I honestly feel like my heart is breaking for her.
I love my sister more than anything. I’ve always felt incredibly protective of her, almost like a motherly instinct, because of how close we are. Seeing her go through something so devastating has left me feeling deeply distressed.
I feel so angry at the world. I’m angry that something so cruel can happen to someone I love so much, especially after how long she’s wanted a baby and after already experiencing a miscarriage. I feel helpless because there’s absolutely nothing I can do to fix this or take away her pain. I keep thinking about what she’s going to have to go through, and it makes me feel sick. One minute I feel heartbroken, the next I feel angry, and then I feel guilty for even having my own emotions when she’s the one experiencing this loss.
I want to support her in the best way possible without overwhelming her or making her feel like she needs to talk before she’s ready. She has a partner supporting her, but I still worry about her constantly because I know how much this baby means to her and how much she has already been through.
This has also brought up a lot of emotions for me personally. I’ve had six pregnancies, have four children, one pregnancy loss and one surgical abortion. I feel guilty sometimes that I’ve been fortunate enough to have my children when my sister has struggled so much to have a baby of her own. I know it isn’t my fault, but emotionally I sometimes feel less deserving of having my children.
I have BPD and feel things very intensely. Right now, everything feels so unfair, and I don’t know what to do with all the anger, sadness and helplessness I’m feeling. I’m devastated for my sister, angry that this is happening to her, and upset that I can’t do anything to make it better.
I never want to take away from her grief or make this about me. I just don’t know how to process my own feelings while watching someone I love so deeply go through something so heartbreaking.
I’m looking for advice from anyone who has experienced something similar.
How do you support someone you love through such a devastating loss? How do you manage the anger and grief when there’s nothing you can do to change what’s happening? And is it normal to feel this deeply affected by something happening to someone you love, even when you’re not the person experiencing the loss directly?
I love my sister so much, and I just want to be there for her in whatever way she needs. I just wish I could make this pain disappear for her. ❤️

Hi everyone. I am completely heartbroken and just need comfort from anyone who has gone through this.

I went in for my nucal 12 week appointment yesterday and as they were doing the ultrasound I heard the most heartbreaking words I’ve ever heard in my life. There was no heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 8w4d. I had my 8 week appointment where the heartbeat was normal. It must have happened a few days after that. I was 12 weeks yesterday and have had 0 symptoms so the baby had no heartbeat for weeks and I had no idea.

My heart is broken. I wanted my son who is 2 to have a sibling. I am nervous about the d&c which won’t be for a few days. I’m cramping. I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to have another baby. I’m scared of how anxious I’ll be during my next pregnancy. I have health ocd and anxiety already. I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t know how to say goodbye. My dreams and plans for the future are ruined.

I’d love to hear stories from others who this has happened to. Preferably if you’ve had a great pregnancy and birth after. I’m so scared and feel so alone and I want to be there for my 2 year old but I also just want to be in the dark and cry.

TW missed miscarriage, mentions of passed cardiac activity

We learned of our missed miscarriage two weeks ago and I don’t even feel like so much time has passed since our world collapsed.

One second we're excitingly starting ultrasound and the next I’m drinking in a bar, weeks later, barely remembering what I felt when pregnant. There’s nothing but rage and despair eating at me while people around keep living.

I know loss, I know tragedies and death. But I don't know what is happening right now.

I can’t remember anything pregnancy related, apart from the test and the sound of the ultrasound when everything was still fine.

I hear it again if silence lasts for too long.

It was my first pregnancy, yet I still find myself having to remind me that I was pregnant at some point.

Life is going on but I feel like mine stopped too.

Sorry for the blabbering, I needed to let it out.

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for almost 5 years. After three IUIs, our second IUI was finally successful, and we were beyond happy. After years of praying, hoping, and waiting, we finally thought we were going to become parents.

Unfortunately, our happiness was short lived, and I miscarried in February. We named our baby Micah.

Our baby’s due date was supposed to be around November 1st, and as that day gets closer, I’ve been struggling emotionally. It’s hard knowing that I should be preparing to bring our baby home, but instead I’m trying to figure out how to get through a day that was supposed to be so special.

I really want to do something meaningful to honor Micah on that day. I’ve even thought about doing a remembrance photoshoot, but part of me wonders if that’s strange since I miscarried so early.

For those of you who have experienced a miscarriage, did you do anything special on your baby’s due date? Did you have pictures taken or create something to remember
them by?

I know our baby was only with us for a short time, but Micah was so loved and wanted. I just don’t want that day to pass like it was any other day.

I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I can hardly describe how excited I was to get pregnant for the first time. When my husband and I decided to start trying, we were lucky and got pregnant right away. It was literally all I could think about every day and was just bursting to tell everyone. But I’ve always had this terrible fear of losing a baby, and last Sunday night I had a sick feeling that something was wrong.

That night it felt like all my worst nightmares came true. I started bleeding, at first just a little, but then I passed everything naturally about 30 minutes after. I sobbed that entire night and hardly slept. My husband has been so supportive and put aside his own grief to literally hold me together this entire horrible week. Each doctor appointment felt so traumatic as I dragged the story back up and had to fully process our tiny little baby was gone. The ultrasound was especially horrible, as I had been waiting all month for that first ultrasound and to hear our little one’s tiny heartbeat… instead we got a nice view of my empty uterus.

I can’t stop crying and feel like the grief just hits me in waves. It’s been 5 days and sometimes I feel pretty okay but then I feel guilty for being okay and feel like if I stop being sad then every bit and even the memory of our baby is gone. Then I feel kind of crazy for calling off almost a whole week of work and completely falling apart when it was still so early… I’ve been excited to be pregnant my whole life and it feels so unfair that this very first experience had to be so heartbreaking. Deep down I know even when I hopefully carry a baby to term that the pregnancy will never feel the same.

I’m also exhausted to my core. I sleep for 10-12 hours a night and feel like I could just fall asleep at any moment during the day and can hardly stay on my feet. Is this normal? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones tanking and body recovering or if I’m just thoroughly depressed. I’m trying to trust in God’s timing, but any advice to carry us through this period would be very welcome ❤️ I just feel like this feeling will never end

My friends baby was diagnosed with trisomy 18, she toward the end of her third trimester and she is awaiting an abortion (what the doctor recommended).
What can I do for her? Did any of your loved one did something to support you that helped you or touched?
Sadly my friend is abroad so I can only call or send stuff. I am so sad for her.
I hope my post fits here, thank you for your suggestions as I am trying to support a friend going through the most difficult kind of grief I can imagine. ❤️‍🩹

This is my first ever post, it has been weighing pretty heavy in my heart.

I had a miscarriage 6 days ago. I feel lost, isolated, and lonely. I know my partner is trying to cope in his own way, but why does he have to leave me out of it? I feel like my feelings aren’t validated, I feel like I’m developing imposter syndrome.

Thing is I know I’m young, yeah, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Ultimately, those things are true yet why does I feel like it makes it worse when people say that?

I have never hated people say “how are you” like I do now. Do they want me to change my answer? Because it won’t.

I have never hated my life more than I do now. I feel empty, I feel worthless, and I feel the world move around me yet I can’t fathom moving forward.

youare happy but scared to be happy every cramp or change in symptoms makes your brain go dark and even after a good appoint the relief is short lived for anyone who has been through this before what got you through between appointments does the fear ever get any easier

A little bit of background: my last period was 1/8 and i two positive ovulation tests 17&18, i then tested positive 29/8 to pregnancy.
i got my bloods taken 1/9 hcg levels sitting at 49 and got bloods done again 48hours after and they are sitting at 59.
i have an internal scan tomorrow but i think this pregnancy isn't viable 😭

has this happened to anyone else?

tia

Still birth December , chemical 2 months ago, blighted ovum this month.

Idk I guess I need some insight if I am going nuts off hormones or if I will be validated.

I recently was scheduled for my 1st ultrasound. I was at a new office with a new obgyn. My go to nurse practitioner doesn’t practice or “do” pregnancy appts so I went with the same hospital just a different location for an obgyn.

Check in was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary but I went right into my ultrasound and that is when fear and anxiety took place. Idk if it was a motherly instinct, being female and “having a feeling” but I knew something was wrong with how the ultrasound took place.

Back story, I am 37 and have had 2 prior pregnancies. I have a 16yr old daughter and a 5 year old daughter both delivered via C-section.

So this being my 3rd pregnancy I felt invincible. Nothing could go wrong. The ultrasound tech had the thingy on my belly for what seemed like 10 seconds and said “Ope yeah, I can’t see anything, ima need to do the vaginal scope. You can go ahead and go use the restroom and empty your bladder and we will try again.”

I did as told. Went to the bathroom and wiped and there was blood on the toilet paper. I immediately panicked. It’s a very odd feeling to describe but it was like my whole body froze and this weird tingling feeling was in my mouth, almost like static. My scalp tingled and I went back into the room w the ultrasound tech. I immediately shared my news. I told her I wiped blood, I hadn’t done that up until that point and told her I was beginning to feel an anxiety attack teetering nearby and I was scared. She responded with “oh everything will be okay, I’ll be able to see more once we have the vaginal scope.”

I layed there with my legs open and the scope inside me while I was trying to control my breath, deep breathing, arm over my eyes and trying to watch the screen for any sign of anything. It was crickets in the room. Ultrasound tech said nothing. No words. Just the sounds of the keyboard and movements of her working along.

“Okay ima bring you into the next room where your doctor will go over the images I just took, here is a towel to wipe off the lube and once you have your clothes back on, crack the door and I’ll bring you there.”

I looked at my boyfriend and I was just sad. Immediately sad. I said this hadn’t felt right. I was so nervous. I wiped with the towel and there was more blood. I got my clothes on and cracked the door so the nurse could lead us to the next room.

We walked in, sat down and she said the nurse would be in shortly. I sat in the chair next to the table with the computer… quiet again filled the room but inside my mind I was so scared and afraid and just wanted to know what was happening. I started to believe I lost my baby. I knew it. I knew I had to tell myself that to prepare myself for the foreseeable future. I needed to go into mom mode and find out how to fix everything. I looked at my boyfriend and I felt so sorry. Like I knew I someone took this from him too. I started to cry. I tried to hold it together bc I was also anxious that I was over reacting and the nurse would come in and think I was coo coo. I finally spoke and told my bf, I had a bad feeling and I was really scared. He got up and sat in the sat little chair as me and held me. I knew he was trying to be strong and not say the wrong thing, and/or he didn’t know what was happening either bc I assume he wasn’t having the same internal feelings I was.

I cried. I prayed. I begged to God to let me keep my baby. I apologized for whatever I may have done. My world started spiraling. Everything was hitting me at once but I was also trying to suck it up out of fear of looking like a psycho when the nurse came in.

She came in. She. I don’t know her name. I don’t want to. I want to forget her but I don’t think I ever will bc now, she is 1 of 2 of the main characters in my traumatic experience. Something I’ll unfortunately never forget.

She came in. Hi im voice fades as I enter into my thoughts again—-

She had to had seen my bloodshot eyes, my black smeared runny mascara. When I cry my face turns beet red. My eyes were puffy and she carried on in a chipper voice. “Ima take ur vitals, blood pressure and just ask some questions about what current medications you’re taking and what prenatal you have.”

I tuned back in, the normalcy of the questions delivered back some hope. I was being goofy. My hormones must be soooo so so out of norm that I am creating this whole scenario for nothing. But then the common sense and reality punched itself back into my gut feelings. From the time of the ultrasound until now was 30 ish minutes and the tech nor the nurse had mentioned our little baby. Was the weird? Am I overthinking? What is happening? Do they ignore all pregnant women’s emotions that come in because the know we can’t control it? Is this why the nurse hasn’t asked me if I was okay? Or what was going on?
She uncuffed the Velcro from the blood pressure cuff. Back to the room I was. I was present again.
“Dr. Cleveland will be in here shortly to go over the images from your ultrasound.”
And she was gone. I looked at T (bf) with my puffy red eyes and said again that I was scared and began to cry some more.

The common sense or the rational thoughts came to me. I was 8 wks. I asked T, “shouldn’t we have seen the heartbeat on the screen?”
He didn’t have an answer, he pulled his phone out and I assumed he was going to google to just read, investigate what is going on.

Meanwhile, it had to have been 40 mins since the beginning of my ultrasound to the room change to the nurse encounter and we were still sitting. Quietly. I never tried to listen to conversation outside the door so hard. Another 5 minutes go by. I tell T I was getting upset bc I wanted to know what is happening. Why is this taking so long?! 10 more mins go by.

I am crying but not. I am sitting there in the worst possible torturous feeling that makes 60
Seconds feel like 60 seconds. I am feeling every second of every minute.

I’m scared to praying, to begging to God, to apologizing to God, to praying for T because I’m sorry this happened, to thinking of my 2 girls at school, knowing I’m seeing the doctor today, to how am I going to tell them? How are they going to feel? Why did I tell so many close friends and family. Gosh how stupid am I? Now I have to tell that more people I lost my baby. I hate being wrong. I hate thinking I was above miscarriages to wait the appropriate amount of time to share. T and I were so excited. We had picked a name. We did. I knew it was my son. While in real life, I cannot factually prove this, but in a different sense, different reality, a different way of things, I knew it was my son. T and I knew it was our son.

Thomas Ryan, what a beautiful son you were. When I had you in my belly, I felt strength I never felt before. I’ve been know to be such a push over, I openly tell people I know I don’t have a backbone, but oh man Tommy, when I carried you, nothing was going to get in my way, no one was going to get away with saying anything to me the wrong way. I was your powerful strong super-woman of a mommy. Thomas, I love you. I loved you as soon as I knew I had you growing in my belly. Also, thank you for the strength you showed me I have. I think God wanted you to teach me how much strength I do have. By golly I can’t imagine the type of man you would have been here on earth but I can imagine that is why God brought you to Heaven 1st. I think he knew the power, strength and love you had at only 8 weeks. He knew you would be great up there and live your destiny next to Him. You were too darn strong for this world. I admire that so much. I love you little Tommy boy. I miss you greatly but tell your Papa I said “hey, and to take good care of you.” Daddy, sissy Kendal, sissy Marleigh and I will never forget you and we will see you in Heaven one day.

Thomas Ryan K.

What seemed like 20-25 mins later, Dr Cleveland comes in. Again, doesn’t address my demeanor and says she looked over the photos and baby does not have a heartbeat. It’s not my fault. I can pass naturally, insert a pill or have it taken out via surgery. I don’t have to decide now but when I do, contact the office. When I do finished miscarrying, wait 2-3 weeks and take a pregnancy test to see if I have a negative test. If it is negative that means I passed the whole pregnancy effectively.

“I’ll have my nurse come in with papers that will give you numbers for support, papers about kind of what we went over and a list of phone numbers for contacts. Again, this happens to 1 in 5 women. (Or was it 1 in 5 pregnancies?) Please let us know if you have any questions.”
She left.

Nurse comes back in and opens this folder to me like a presentation. “Here are the brochures with support groups, these papers here explain the processes, here is a few other things inside that you can go home to read, did you guys have any questions?”

I don’t even know how to explain a feeling of trying to retain information while you’re being shot in the heart. I can’t… can NOT describe how hearing all of this while simultaneously feeling like shutting down. I looked at T. I had nothing. Well i did but hold on a second. I just waited soooooo long to hear what I knew i wohld hear and im supposed to think of questions in 1 minute here? Do women process the news of miscarriages quickly turn around and pull their ducks in order and get their brain gears turning to know what to even say? Im going to assume no, but what the frick do i know. This a is RN staring at me. She has a higher education than me so i must be so fkin stupid right now.
T says “yea, Courtney won’t you need a note for work?”

There it was. Grounded. Reality. I work in a warehouse. Building boat motors. I work 5 days a week. 6:30am to 2:30pm. I lift inboard motors with a hoist, 20+ times a day. I’m on my feet 8+ hours a day. I’m surrounded by men in my field. T knows this. He knows I don’t want to go through this at work. He is my brain function. Thank you.

“Oh yea. Yes. Can I have a note for work?”
Crying and looking to the nurse.

“Oh yes! I’ll be right back!” And out of the room she was. Quick. Chipper. Just not matching the vibe I need. Could she please just pretend to have some sort of empathy? Or is that selfish of me to want to project what emotion I need from her??
She waltz back in and hands me the note. I read
“Please excuse Courtney from work today, she was seen by Dr. Cleveland on 10/13/26.”

My mentality crashes. I’ve had it.
“Anything else I can help you with?”-nurse
“Nope that’s all. Thank you.” -me

I look at T in his eyes and as I’m walking out, I tell him “I don’t ever want to talk to her again.”

Blood shot eyes, puffy face, snot filling my nose I walk out to the reception desk. I B line to the wonderful angel of a woman I spoke to prior to my encounter with the nurse and doctor. She sees my face and instantly reacts with what I call a human with a soul’s reaction. “Oh no, is every thing okay? What can I do for you?”

I muster up a way to even ask something. I’m not this person that complains. I’m not even a person to bring up a bad experience. I don’t like being rude or mean or I start to feel bad for saying something that might get someone in trouble, but I knew I needed to speak to someone.

I say “can I please talk to a nurse about my appointment, but not the one I just seen… please.”
She says “Omgosh yes, let me look and find out who you were just with can I have your name again, I’m sorry.”
I tell her. She looks my appt up and says “did your nurse have long and like wavy red hair?”
T says “yea that sounds like her..”
“If you two wanna have a seat, I am going to get a nurse for you in a new room and you will be able to ask or discuss anything you need, I apologize though, it might be a couple minutes bc I have to see if she is with a different patient.”

The compassion was refreshing and of course we said that would be fine and we had no problem waiting. While I wish this was where the story begins to change for the better, it’s not.

It’s late, and writing this out has taken a toll on my emotions. I’ll finish it tomorrow. Thank you for reading so far If you have and I’m sorry for any typos or bad verbiage. Typing with an iPhone keyboard sucks these days.

(F26)

Hello, i would like to talk with women that went through post partum depression and/or miscarriage to know what you did to feel better over time 🤍

For context, our little one decided to leave us almost two months ago (no heartbeat at 11w, stopped growing at 9w) and it's been a month or so since i took the pills to induce labor (since it was the worst pain of my life i assume it is quite similar to full term labor). It took about 2 rows of 5 pills total (bc the first obgyn was a d*** but that's a subject for another time) and the second time (3rd pill) the sack, water and foetus got out without any pain. Oh and the day before my water broke, there was no baby on the screen. Two scans in two days, the baby was gone, i guess he was hidden somewhere bc i saw him on my pad with all the water before the sack passed. I was relieved and really happy not to do a d&c but kinda traumatized.

Of course the loss and grief the first month was devastating, it was our first child. Now i see things differently and even though i wish I was 4 months pregnant right now, I know it is for the best and i'd rather have an healthy baby. I love him and I know he will always be with us.

Few weeks ago, i started to spiral.. negative self talk, no energy, extreme fatigue and feeling so lonely. I am not alone, my boyfriend is great etc but i feel like im not doing enough. I can't stand having no energy to do stuff (i work at home, candle business and a saturday'market so i am busy most of the time but not all day long).

I used to read affirmations back then and i just started again, it makes me feel better while reading them and calmer. I have a mediterranean genetic blood disorder that makes it hard for my blood cells to get enough oxygen through them so i am almost always tired/get brain fog since forever (not iron deficient) but i have a bloodwork next week to check this and vitamins.

I just started working out again like i used to, i stopped few weeks before the baby passed away, i love working out and it makes me feel a little better but i don't push myself too much to keep some energy for the rest of the day and i do daily walks (just started again too, i stopped for two weeks).

I feel alone because of all of this : the physical pain i went through, blood loss, no baby at the end of the year, the fact that i feel like i ve gained weight for nothing, my body image in the mirror doesn't suit me, i feel ashamed of my body and i havent felt that way for years.

I am at home and taking care of the house and animals + my business and my man works every morning. Even though he tells me i should rest and that i am strong for going through that, i still feel like im not good enough, not energized enough, i can't do everything i used to properly and i am sad most of the time.

I basically feel like a failure. Mentally and physically..

Hello, i wanted to ask you what name(s) did you choose for the baby you've lost in case no one asked you that 🤍

This comes from a place of love, because no one asked me how i wanted to call our baby we lost at 11w.

I called mine Livio Lysander 🥹🤍

Saw a pregnancy announcement on my feed today. My husband’s friend posted his wife is 6 weeks pregnant and due in December.

Man… my stomach DROPPED. Like instantly.
And before anyone starts … no, I’m not a bitter hater 😭 I’m usually genuinely happy for people when they announce pregnancies. But my brain immediately went:”Wait. We were thinking we would have a baby for this year’s Christmas.”
That realization hit me like a brick all over again…

I lost my first pregnancy, so with my second, I was traumatized BAD. Every ultrasound felt like a reality show elimination round 😭 like “Okay… are we making it to next week or not?” I wouldn’t even look at the screen. I’d just lay there squeezing my husband’s hand waiting for the doctor to basically hand out the final rose to announce if we were safe for another round.

One appointment, the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat right away and his face changed for like 2 seconds. Y’ALL. I almost ascended. Then he found it and I wanted to cry & fight everyone in the room at the same time.

So this last pregnancy was the FIRST time I told myself…
“Okay. Calm down. Enjoy it. You deserve to be excited too.”

I downloaded The Bump app. I was reading my fruit size updates every week & telling my hubby the milestones
“MY BABY IS A BLUEBERRY TODAY.”

I started imagining holidays, little outfits, all of it. I finally stopped surviving pregnancy and actually started enjoying it.

Then boom. Lost my baby.

And the sick part? I still have the app notifications on my phone. Why? Girl I DON’T KNOW. I can barely open them but I also can’t turn them off. Is it a toxic trait?! I don’t know if it’s good or not.

Pregnancy after loss really changes your brain though. People don’t talk about that enough. happiness feels scary. Some days I’m okay. Other days Instagram hands me an emotional uppercut at 1:20 PM while I’m just trying to scroll in peace 😭

On August 11 I had a vaginal ultrasound. I was 7 weeks 5 days. That day I bled a little. It was bright red but it wasn't a heavy flow. I didn’t think I needed to go to the ER. The bleeding stopped after a couple of hours But I had brown discharge for two weeks after. I went to emergency August 23rd after 10 hours of waiting 🙄. They told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat and that the baby stopped growing at 7 days and 5 days. They ruled it a miscarriage, I was devastated. Still am. I wonder if it is because of how rough the vaginal ultrasound was? Can anyone give me an insight? Am I going crazy? I feel they k*lled my baby; it's too coincidental that the baby stopped growing after the day of the ultrasound. Should I get a lawyer? I think
I need answers.

I went for an ultrasound at 12 weeks and discovered I lost my baby at 9 weeks. I had a MMC a day later. That was on Wednesday.

I don’t feel normal anymore. I just want this pain to go away. I’ve never experienced grief this heavy before. From the physical feeling of emptiness to the emotional feeling of loss, I just don’t know how to do life the way I did before. I lost apart of me that I will never get back again.

The MMC was traumatic enough, but now I live with the constant reminder. Every time I use the bathroom. See a small child. Hear a baby cry. When I lay my head on my partner’s chest, hearing his heart beat breaks mine because I know my baby’s stopped only a week after I heard it for the first time.

This doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels right. I feel so incredibly alone.

I just want to feel normal again.