you ever feel like everything you externally grades, metrics, classes A's and more A's career that pay alot of money yet you find like you're failing at life i look at my career path my direction the grades the reality the studying and i question how much it all truly matter to me it's an empty mountain most of the time i don't and can't see the reward i only have moments of self reflection upon my defeat i only took on this route because i chose college in the first place i cling on to mathematics as it's the only thing that isn't another metric for me but an ART i find it to be an artists dream yet i find my life extremely hollow i always do things all the way career directions are no different but by doing everything all the way i do things just for doing them i only have math because in a way i feel like without it i would crash and die everything i do other than math is a metric it's something that feeds me novelty and beauty math to me is very beautiful in the ways in can be applied it's like art you use the brush however you want and use as many colors and materials it's up to your imagination at time i want to disappear and leave it all behind i question how much money really matters to me but this isn't a case of money but of my nature to do things all the way at times i wish i never chose college my existence without it would be some form of job possibly truck driving and stopping after a year and again but never in one place i would always be moving state to state

my structured existence