Trigger warning:

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For context, I'm a 32M, I'm a dad now but this is something that happened to me in 2008 a senior of mine used to kiss me and touch me down there, made me touch his private parts. Many times that academic year, then again in 2011 and three more times the same year. It was my birthday and we gathered at our grandparents house, It was kinda sleepover so I shared the room with my cousin, 4 years younger to me. I almost dozed off then suddenly I felt that my pants were being pulled down and he did that to me. I don't want to get into details but it was like my biology did what it had to but my memory is wounded.

I didn't know it then, but lately I've been having these episodes of those memories and even dreams of those people who did this to me. I feel creeped out, anxious. I have been having these episodes of panic for over a month now. What do I do? I thought I was over it but it looks like I am not.

hey! im seeking unbiased opinions, and advice regarding my daughter who is possibly being SA’d . im not sure if i can go into detail here because my daughter is a minor and could be being abused by my stepdad, which is illegal so i dont wanna break any guildlines. im gonna tell as much as possible , if anybody can message me because i need to speak to someone for advice on what to do . im looking for anybody in the medical field that can help me on how to go about this , i dont have a therapist to talk to at the moment , so im reaching out here. but basically my daughter is fully potty trained and randomly started wetting the bed a few months back, i found this completely abnormal but i didnt know exactly how to follow up, she also would constantly have poop in her underwear and both guardians are saying it’s because she isn’t wiping correctly. on sunday morning last week i feel like i possibly walked in during the act of SA , but he cleaned it up well telling her “get out of there” because sometimes she does itch her butt, due to her not wiping correctly. but i was able to pull her alone and speak to her and she told me “tata hurt me on the butt” i asked if she told nana and she said “nana slapped tatta on the hand. when i took her to the hospital the same day and my mom saw my location she completely freaked out and pulled up to the hospital before my daughter was able to speak to any nurses. i genuinely feel like my mom could know about something, dcfs said that they spoke to my daughter and everything seemed to be fine, but honestly when i was little my mom used to train me to lie to cps , so i really don’t trust her. i have no idea what to do because all of the family cut me off, my mom keeps saying that IM perverted , she constantly tells me this and it’s extremely triggering, she blames me for being overprotective of my daughter. probably about a year back there was a scenario where her and my nephew were crossing physical boundaries and i pulled my sister aside so that we can teach them how to correct behavior because i feel like kids should be taught consent at an early age. the entire family lashes out on me and makes it seem like im doing something wrong , i don’t have any support , because of what happened to me as a kid. now my sister is saying that i lied about my cousin when she gave statements to the police when i decided to take action on my cousin who SA’d me, everyone is flipping this on me as if im wrong for taking actions to make sure my daughter is safe. i haven’t even been able to work ever since, and she also blocked me on my daughters phone so that i don’t have contact. i really need an unbiased opinion, anything helps.

A little girl from the ages of 8-10 is not given a bedroom. She is made to sleep on her parents hard wood floor with a comforter and pillow. While this arrangement is made, the parents loudly have sex in the presence of the little girl. Her white mother calls her black father a "nigger" while they're fucking.

From 10-12 the girl ends up in a new house and has her own room now. The parents make extremely sexual remarks to eachother specifically around the girl. "As long as you promise to pull my hair and spank me" said 2 feet away from the child. Out loud regular volume.

At 15 the girls older brothers (17 and 19) would get naked. Streak across the house and purposefully flash their sister. The sister goes to the father, tells him how uncomfortable she is, and the father laughs in her face.

At 17 the girl needs to go to the dr. She has a cyst in her groin region. She goes to the father and asks him to make a dr appointment. The father says "show me". She says "No" because that would expose her vagina to her father. He says "Show me or I won't make you an appointment?" She refuses and accepts not going to the dr.

At 18 the girl is taking a shower. The father opens the door slightly ajar to ask a question. The girl's baby niece pushes the door open, walks to the shower curtain, and pulls on it in a way that will expose the girl. The girl holds the shower curtain to keep from being exposed. The father laughs while encouraging the baby to keep pulling on the shower curtain.

This father put his girl in way too many sexual and innaproriate scenarios. How many people put kids in sexual scenarios that aren't pedos? What do you think?

This is a scenario I've witnessed. It's got me fucked up.

How do I (W34) get revenge on my abuser/former co-worker (M28 then, now ~40)?

We worked together from 2013 until May 2014. He was my co-worker (then M28, now around 40). A month after I quit, we, along with our then-boss and other colleagues, were invited to a coworker's (W29) wedding.

The co-worker (now M40) told me that day, that he was supposed to be taking antibiotics—but he was still drinking alcohol. Later, when our boss left, he wanted me to dance. I was quite clumsy and already a bit tipsy, so I wasn't really in the mood and only agreed to about two dances.

Around 2 a.m., I wanted to go home. My phone battery was dead, so I called my sister from his cell phone, and she was supposed to come pick me up. While I was waiting for her, he wanted to "keep me company." At first, I thought, how nice, at least I don't have to wait alone in the dark. But things quickly took a turn for the worse. He harassed and groped me in the most disgusting way. He also groped my bare skin, for example under my skirt/pants and grabbed my naked breasts. This happened repeatedly throughout the entire time (about 45 minutes) while I was waiting for my sister. He even held me down while doing it, which counts as sexual coercion in my state and therefore is punished heavier/longer than "only an assault". I couldn't defend myself because he was simply physically stronger than me. I tried, but I didn't have the strength. Although he acted drunk, he was surprisingly lucid and very coordinated during those moments (for example, I couldn't kick him in his eggs, because he had a very quick reflex – so much for being heavily intoxicated, he obviously still had himself under control).

I can't shake the feeling that he somehow planned it. Or at least he thought he "saw his chance" with me that night (although knowing that I have a boyfriend btw!) - and when I rejected him, he still got himself what he thought "he deserved"... or whatever crazy explanation there could be. I really don't know.

This incident has haunted me for years now. He has since risen through the ranks at that job, I'm saddled with a host of psychiatric diagnoses (including PTSD, thanks to him) and I was unemployed for many years. Currently, I'm back in psychotherapy, which I'm paying for out of my pocket. Yes, damn it, I even changed my name because he moaned it, and it triggered me a lot for a while (changed it back though...)

Legally, there's not much I can do since it was so long ago (damn, I was a young woman of 22, and it took a long time before I could even talk to my friends about what happened). I learned this from a lawyer at a local women’s counseling center. So, yes I’ve been in touch with them too and given the—surprise, surprise—lack of evidence plus the risk of re-traumatization, they advised me against filing a formal complaint. But let me tell you one thing and I’m grateful to my wonderful psychotherapist for helping me see this: the constant re-traumatization through flashbacks is actually far more exhausting than going through the process of filing a complaint I guess.

What else could I do to get revenge or get financial compensation/damages for pain and suffering from him, like compensation for the trauma he caused me and the many hours of expensive psychotherapy?

Unfortunately, I don't remember exactly where he lives. I do know where his workplace is, of course. Many of my former colleagues, as well as the CEO's, still work there.

He's married now. He has an expensive car. He climbed the career ladder—all the way to the top - with a great salary. Today, he manages a total of four student residences, making him a potential danger to young female students. I, on the other hand, suffered severe trauma—along with all the various consequences that entails—as a result of him and his actions.

What ideas do you have, even creative/harmless ones? Ones that will stay in his mind for a long time.

TL;DR: A coworker sexually harassed/coerced me. He is still a potential danger to many young students due to the nature of his job. I want revenge – how?

How do I (W34) get revenge on my abuser?

We worked together from 2013 to 2014; he was my co-worker (M40). A month after I quit, we, along with our then-boss and other colleagues, were invited to a coworker's wedding.

This coworker told me that day that he was supposed to be taking antibiotics—but he was still drinking alcohol. Later, when our boss left, he wanted me to dance. I was quite clumsy and already a bit tipsy, so I wasn't really in the mood and only agreed to about two dances.

Around 2 a.m., I wanted to go home. My phone battery was dead, so I called my sister from his cell phone, and she was supposed to come pick me up. While I was waiting for her, he wanted to "keep me company." At first, I thought, how nice, at least I don't have to wait alone in the dark. But things quickly took a turn for the worse. He harassed and groped me in the most disgusting way. He also groped my bare skin, for example, under my skirt and grabbed my breasts. This happened repeatedly throughout the entire time (about 45 minutes) I was waiting for my sister. I couldn't defend myself because he was simply physically stronger than me. I tried, but I didn't have the strength. Although he acted drunk, he was surprisingly lucid and very coordinated during those moments (for example, I couldn't kick him in the groin because he had a very quick reflex – so much for being heavily intoxicated, he obviously still had himself under control).

I can't shake the feeling that he somehow planned it.

This incident has haunted me for years now. He has since risen through the ranks at that job, I'm saddled with a host of psychiatric diagnoses (including PTSD, thanks to him), and I was unemployed for many years. Currently, I'm back in psychotherapy, which I'm paying for out of pocket. Yes, damn it, I even changed my name because he moaned it, and it triggered me a lot for a while.

Legally, there's not much I can do since it was so long ago (damn, I was a young woman of 22, and it took a long time before I could even talk to my friends about what happened...). What else could I do to get revenge or get money from him, like compensation for the trauma he caused me and the many hours of expensive psychotherapy?

Unfortunately, I don't remember exactly where he lives. I do know where his workplace is, of course. Many of my former colleagues, as well as the CEO, still work there.

He's married now. He has an expensive car.

What ideas do you have, even creative ones?

TL;DR: A coworker sexually harassed/coerced me. I want revenge – how?

I don't know where else to get help. My stepfather has been sexually abusing me for years and I havent said anything because my mom loves him and I would hate to break her heart plus I dont think we could financially live on my moms income alone. But im so tired and I dont know how long I can keep this up

The thing is i love him. As my father, hes great. But then we're alone and all I want to do is run. I feel so drained and it makes me not want to go home anymore

He keeps saying he's sorry and makes me hold him while he feels bad about things but then he still will touch me next time

Im in a serious relationship now and have somehow managed to create some boundaries where now at least clothes stay on and he can only touch so much but he says he wont stop until theres a ring on my finger and that when that happens, he will also not spend time with me as a father

I dont even know what to make of all of this. I've never been able to actually talk to anyone about this. My partner doesnt know because if he did, he'd be unable to spend time with my family and my family is too important for me to sacrifice that after all these years

Idk what this is except I guess somewhere for me to tell others what is happening so thank you. I guess.

The abuse started when I was 16. I am now 25.

Edit to add my age.

Hi there I’m needing advice from anyone who can related to my experience. Im currently separating from my husband we share 2 sons 21 & 19. I found out years ago that he had as a teen 14/15 sexually abused and rape his younger brother who was 7. I went to counselling, tried antidepressants. I kept that news to myself for 13 years until I could no longer take it. He would just continue his life like he did nothing. He is living in Australia now with a new girlfriend. There was no risk to my children in that time of 13 years I asked them all the time if they were safe, they never left my sight unless with my mum. Do I tell my sons or do I leave it be. My youngest wants to move over to his fathers to look for a job because there’s not much happening here. Please help, what do I do ?

i posted this to another subreddit , posting here for more opinions and help. sorry if it's long but i just wanna know what these situations mean.

i am 21F if that matters.

1. when i was younger (4-6) a family member used to lift up her shirt and show me her chest and teach me what each part is. she did this multiple times and to this day idky. i still think about it sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable.

2. my mom and her ex boyfriend used to do it really loudly while my sister and i were in the house. ( this happened from elementary to middle)
   i put a towel under the door one time to block the sound and when she came in and asked about it i told her "i don't like hearing you" and she told me to shut up. that affected me into my teen years and i would get physically ill hearing her moan and groan over food when she eats.

3. this happened throughout middle school, my sister and her ex did it while i was in the bed multiple times. i would hear the sounds and feel the bed shaking.
   i would have to sleep on stained sheets the day after. this still affects me to this day as i hate being on anything that shakes and i hate when im sitting with someone and i feel them bouncing their leg. it makes me physically uncomfortable and makes me want to fold in on myself.

please be nice to me in the comments, im just confused and i wanna know what these situations are considered if they even are considered anything as they aren't half as bad as anything else i've seen in this subreddit.

also, i started watching adult content at a young age and it might be because of these situations im not sure.

So my(NB20) girlfriend(F20) and I were swinging a while back, we ended up getting involved with a friend(NB20) and while discussing boundaries and limitations I expressed I was not okay having sex with anyone while any party was inebriated, even slightly.
They seemed very understanding and a few days after we had a threesome. It went very badly, the 3rd person did not seem to be caring or engaged other than wanting to feel good and I was definitely triggered from prior history of SA. I said I was uncomfortable with the situation and needed to stop or at least slow down and regroup, but my girlfriend didn’t hear me I guess and the other person brushed me off. After the encounter I had to take this person home and they were extremely hostile for no reason other than “I get like this sometimes”

This is where I made some mistakes:
I didn’t take the hint and pushed them to talk to me on the drive home because I wanted to make sure they were okay, despite everything. I was very shut down emotionally and sort of trying to placate them. (I don’t know why I respond this way when triggered) they snapped at me and in the present day are now saying they feel that I violated their privacy by pushing them

Recently I learned that they were in a very bad place at the time and were using sex as a self harm / coping mechanism. I also learned they were extremely high when we had sex and also high when we had the initial conversation about boundaries. They are also saying presently that they feel I assaulted them because they were high when we had sex.

I feel so confused and violated. I would not have consented if I had known they were inebriated, and simultaneously I feel like I can’t blame them for ignoring me because presently they are saying they never heard me say anything. Am I at fault since they were unable to consent? Can they be held liable? Am I overreacting? Am I the one who assaulted them?

When I was only seven years old I started to experience the worst that this world can offer for around four years I was sexually abuse by a neighbor, the daughter of the owner of the house where i was living with my parents . My parents never really care about me at all. they would fight in front of me not physically but yelling was my routine since i wake up until i will go to sleep and i think she saw that a small child scared and alone. and she took advantage of that I thought what she was doing to me was "love" she even told me that i was her boyfriend and in a way i thought that i deserved it the pain and the suffering. And when we moved i missed her i know that sounds stupid but that was the way i feel. Because of her i have not been able to have an intimate relationship with anybody i feel ashamed of myself i feel ashamed of my body of my desires to have an emotional connection with someone. and i know that i will die alone never knowing what true love means and somehow i feel it is al my fault.

UPDATE——-
So I told my husband- he said he already had a feeling 10+years ago about him being a pedophile. He said he’s always had a gut feeling. He’s never liked him (abuser) for the physical, emotional, and mental abuse but stated he clocked that something was off. I sent an email about it to my mom because we are minimal contact currently and she has yet to reply or acknowledge it…
Right after I emailed my mom I screenshotted it and sent a group chat to my other 3 siblings who weren’t aware (I had already told one of my sisters). My other sister is upset that obviously he’s a monster: but what gets me pissed off Is she said her mother (she’s my step sister) told her stories of when she (her mom) was married to him (abuser) and there there were “signs” before he EVER met my mom or me.. this could’ve been avoided had she ( SS’s mom) done something!
My little brother has spoken to me but not necessarily acknowledged what I said.
My youngest brother is taking it the worst as he is super close to him (abuser)… it makes me feel bad that I’ve shattered this image for people but I also don’t feel bad because I don’t feel like I’m “hiding” anymore..

I guess I’m no contact at this point with my mom because I guess she has decided what she wants to do which completely solidifies my feelings growing up of there being no point in telling her because she wouldn’t leave or do anything regardless…

Need advice - I’m in my 30’s. I’ve never told anyone the true extent of my trauma or who etc. My step-father sexually abused/groomed me etc from 5yrs old to 18yrs old when I left and moved out. My mother “caught” him a few times while I was pretending to sleep but she always believed him. It made me feel like I couldn’t tell her. It’s very complex but my younger siblings are his bio kids and I was scared to leave them or separate us all so I never spoke up. I just endured and did anything I could to avoid physical/verbal abuse and then avoid being left alone with him to potentially victimize myself. I felt I had to endure things/walk on egg shells. It’s like I said a very complex situation. I told my little sister 2yrs ago and since then I haven’t told anyone else including my husband. I’m zero contact with my abuser and low contact with my mom (she’s still married to him). How do I approach this conversation with her? With my brothers? With my other sister? With my husband? I feel like it’s been 12yrs since it but I have a child now and I don’t want to potentially run into anyone or my child meet this person on accident. For context I live in a different state from everyone so this conversation would be via text/email/call etc. and I just don’t know how to approach this let alone the fear of others not believing.

I’m just so tired of working on myself ….
I’ve done talk therapy
I’ve don’t CBT
I’ve done emdr
I’m currently doing part therapy cuz none of the three worked ….
I’m just so tired of working and working and still having triggers … still having flash backs … still being scared of being touched to the extent that I dread haircuts …
I was abused by my elder brother and he’s living a life of leasuire and here I struggle to get by the day … I have depression BPD adhd anxiety … I take meds daily ….
It’s just too much I just want one day where none of this matters

I’m posting because I’m trying to understand something my body does, and I would really like to hear from people who have experienced anything similar.
When I was around 8 to 10 years old, an adult male neighbor sexually abused me. There was no physical sexual contact, but on several occasions he exposed himself and masturbated while I was there. He was aware that I could see him and would check whether I was watching.
At the time I didn’t understand what was happening. I remember completely freezing. I stayed there instead of getting up and leaving, and for years I blamed myself for that, even though logically I know I was a child and probably having a freeze response.
Afterward I avoided ever being alone with him. I remember intense anxiety around him, especially when I had to walk home and knew he might be nearby. Men who physically resemble him can still trigger a very strong reaction in my body.
I tried to tell my mother something about it when I was young, but her response was basically that I should not say anything because my father might hurt him if he found out. So I became silent about it and did not really tell anyone until many years later.
The thing I am struggling to understand now is my physical sexual response.
Sometimes when this man comes into my mind, or even when completely nonsexual male family members come into my mind, I suddenly feel very intense pressure/sensation in my vagina. It can almost resemble sexual pleasure physically, while mentally I feel the complete opposite. I feel disturbed, ashamed, confused and like I am simultaneously experiencing the sensation and trying to block it.
For example, I can see an innocent video of myself with my father, who has never sexually abused me or behaved sexually toward me in any way, and suddenly my body can produce this genital sensation. My actual thoughts and feelings are not sexual at all.
That discrepancy is one of the things that scares me most.
I also have difficulty orgasming with partners. I can enjoy sex and intimacy, but orgasm seems to require an enormous amount of trust and safety, and even then it is difficult.
I have read a little about involuntary physiological arousal and “arousal nonconcordance,” where genital responses do not necessarily correspond to desire, attraction or consent. I’m wondering whether trauma can create something like this, where fear, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance and genital sensations somehow become connected in the nervous system.
I am already working on my trauma and I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I mostly want to hear from other survivors:
Has your body ever produced sexual/genital sensations in response to traumatic memories, intrusive thoughts, family members, people you absolutely do not desire, or other things that mentally repulse or frighten you?
Did you also experience shame because you interpreted the physical response as meaning something about what you secretly wanted?
And if you managed to separate those sensations from shame or fear over time, what helped you?
I think hearing from someone who has experienced this would help me understand that a physical reaction is not necessarily the same thing as desire.

Hello… I am currently seeing a therapist to deal with the trauma childhood physical, emotional, and sexual abuse has caused. My therapist asked me to write a letter to my younger self as a way to begin the healing process and I have been nervous and somewhat reluctant to open those wounds back up again. Once I started writing though, I realized I had a lot that needed to get out. My letter wound up being pretty long but I feel like it explains my trauma and feelings surrounding it far better than I have been able to just by talking to my therapist so far. I would like her to read it during our next session, or would even be open to reading it myself, but I’m worried she will be frustrated or reluctant to have me share it because of the length. I already worry so much about being a burden and don’t want my therapist to feel that way about me as well. Any advice?

I have been sexually abused by my brother for eight years. When I was younger, I told my parents about the abuse after it happened. Instead of protecting me or taking it seriously, they ignored what I said and told me it was only joking and playing.

For many years, I have had nightmares and have never been able to sleep well. Because of this, I cannot concentrate or focus, and I keep having flashbacks. Recently, I reached out to government social services to get help. Unfortunately, social services contacted my father, and my parents responded by denying everything. They now claim that I never told them about the abuse and that I am making it up.

My parents also told me that if I report the abuse to social services, it will lead to the police and “ruin” my brother’s future and get him in trouble. I cannot believe that their first reaction to my disclosure was to blame me instead of believing me and getting me support. They are choosing to stand by my brother and even getting angry at me for speaking up.

Now they are shouting at me what should I do

Women can be predators, enablers of abuse and downright horrible people too, but while I believe that there are also good women out there, I can’t help but think that all men are sexual abusers or people who have no empathy for the people who have been sexually abused.

When a man is just existing, I guess I don’t think about him much, but if I start to like him as a friend, or romantically, or if there is a famous man I start to like or admire, my brain begins to tell me that this man must have abused someone in some way, at some point.

And then the idea that a man can feel bad about a woman’s SA is absolutely wild to me. I come from a society where men will hear about their GF being abused as a child by her uncle or something and the only emotion they will feel is jealousy or annoyance (as in “Oh sex with this woman might be difficult” kind of thing).

I have seen some famous men doing some sort of charity, awareness etc. about SA (mostly SA of women since I come from a society where men’s SA is a very taboo topic) and whenever I see that, I think that they are doing it for the praise and attention.

Even when a man feels bad because his sister or someone got abused, I feel like he is only feeling like that because the fact that he couldn’t protect his sister makes him look like an incompetent person.

Even when I try to write fiction, I feel like I am writing a grossly unrealistic man if I write about a man who actually loves his abuse survivor love interest and wants her to thrive.

I was groomed and SA’ed by my much older sibling and then treated very cruelly by my English professor who I got attached to as he bore a resemblance to my brother ( as in when my brother was still kind and loving to me and still trying to win my trust). I used to have a boyfriend but he too used to be disgusted by the fact that I was a survivor of abuse.

So all in all, I truly believe that all men are either predatory or at least fully indifferent/hateful to women who have experienced SA.

I would love for someone to change my view, but I don’t know if it is possible. What can anybody even say to prove me wrong??

Hey, so I was sexually abused by my dad up until 8th grade. I’ve been no contact with him for 5 years now. The only family members that know are my mom, step dad, and brother. My sister is 5 months pregnant and I feel like I need to tell her before she has her kid. But 1. her husband’s dad is good friends with my dad and that relationship makes me nervous 2. If they do cut him off, what if they confront him about it idk how that’ll be since I never have. Should I confront my dad first about what he did to me before telling my sister? Any advice or tips on how to approach this would be helpful.

Hello. I have a strange mix of situations happening all at once, and I think I’m mostly just looking for some support, perspective, or input on life in general.
My husband and I have been married for about two years and together for about seven. Over the past year, I’ve started to see our communication issues and the way our relationship works much more clearly. I’ve realized that I want and need to be treated differently in a relationship. I’ve also realized that I may be a lesbian, so there’s that complication too.
There has also been some sexual abuse in my past that I don’t really want to get into right now, there is a lengthier post describing everything tho on my page/this page.
With all of that in mind, I had gotten to the point where I was ready to give my husband a letter and start the conversation about separating.
And then things got more complicated.
I’m chronically ill, and after I had a small discussion with my husband about the sexual abuse, I became extremely emotional and decided to have a few drinks. I ended up drinking too much and got incredibly sick. I was vomiting and couldn’t stop, and eventually I developed a significant amount of air in my chest, around my lungs and heart. I spent three days in the hospital. They still don’t really know why I couldn’t stop vomiting or exactly why it caused so much air to build up in my chest.
This was my second hospital stay this year.
And through all of it, my husband took such good care of me. He made sure I wasn’t alone. He stayed with me. He took care of me when I was scared and sick.
I genuinely cannot fathom going through something like that alone.
And that’s where I’m struggling.
There are so many reasons I feel like I need to leave this relationship. I don’t want a sexual or romantic relationship with him anymore. I’m questioning my sexuality. I know there are things about our relationship that aren’t working for me, and I’ve been unhappy and lonely for a long time.
But I love him. He’s my best friend.
I feel completely alone in trying to figure this out without him, but somehow I also feel incredibly lonely even when he’s right beside me.
I think I’m scared of being even lonelier than I already am.
I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of feeling trapped between loving someone deeply and knowing that I don’t think I want to be their partner anymore.
And honestly, I’m terrified of what happens the next time I inevitably end up in the hospital for something random, small, or completely unexplainable.
What if I leave and something happens to me again?
I know that staying in a relationship because I’m afraid of being sick and alone probably isn’t a good reason to stay. But knowing that doesn’t make the fear any less real.
I guess I’m looking for people who have been through something similar, especially people who have separated from a long-term partner while also dealing with chronic illness or a complicated support system.
How did you deal with the fear of losing your person, even when you knew the relationship itself wasn’t right anymore?
I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I think I just needed to say all of this somewhere.

I’m not sure why I need to write this but I need to write this somewhere. About 2 months ago something happened. But there were things before that too. So I suppose idk let’s go to the beginning. Every single male partner I’ve been with has wanted anal sex. Some have been more direct than others sure, but all of them wanted it more than most other things sexually. When I was 16-19ish I enjoyed exploring it as well, slowly and with toys mostly in environments i felt safe in. Then I dated Eric. He was my best friend’s(at the time), boyfriends, best friend. Me and Eric actually met in a dating app and then realized the connection through our besties. We only dated for about 5 months. But one of the nights with him we decided to try mushrooms. Originally we thought that sex was something we would both enjoy while on mushrooms. We also wanted to film it. I was genuenoy into this(under the presumption that this person I felt safe with would respect my in the moment states of consent and such). But j had a bad time, cried in the shower for a while, and wanted to go to bed. He insisted we still have sex. Got the camera set up and everything and then raped me anally. When he was done he got his phone/camera and came and laid with me I think. It’s somewhat unclear and I only remembered the fact that he has a video somewhat recently to be honest. I broke up with him for something unrelated and later realized what he had done what he did. So anyways. Then a year or so later I day this new wonderful man came into my life. I’m 20 at this time and we date, get engaged, and eventually married. At the start, he seemed understanding of my trauma involving anal sex. He did let me know it was his favorite sexual act and something he felt was important to him tho. At the time, I felt like maybe I could “compromise” and we could still do it sometimes when I felt “prepared”. Over the years tho once every few months, turned into monthly, turned into multiple times a month. Mostly it was him insisting it’s the only way he could orgasm or we’d start with vaginal sex and if he felt like he wasn’t cumming when he wanted to he’d rub on my anus or even go in a bit…or a lot. It was 50/50 on if I’d say no in the moment, especially after already having sex and having the hormones and wanting to make home happy. But it hurts and I don’t like it. One night around 06/2026 I believe, he had been trying initiate sex and I was more than agreeable. We keyed through dinner and such. He started hinting about anal tho and I was direct this time and said no I do not want to have anal sex. He said fine and continued being flirty in other ways. We eventually make it to the bedroom and start making out and such, have some vaginal sex I believe. But the. He rolls me to my stomach and rubs his penis on my anus. I told him no again. He said something like “it’s okay” and then did it anyways. I froze, got quiet, just let him finish. Then I went to the bathroom and cried as I realized my husband, my partner of 7 years had raped me. But I pulled myself together and just cleaned up and went to bed. We didn’t talk for a day or so and when we did it was so minimal. I don’t really remember the discussion to be honest. But anyways. Now I’m thinking I’m leaving him but when I second guess it I need somewhere to go to see in writing the reason why my body has a physical reaction to his touch now days in a stomach churning way.