I

i'm a pro yearner, don't you know? i'll never forget the way you whispered my name, your hair in my hands, the way our fingers fit perfectly together. if there's perfection in this world, if there's hope to cure all the dark, there's you, and there's me. and if i miss you for eternity, so be it. just laugh while i embarrass myself one last time. look at me like something you could replace once or twice. let me make a fool of myself. let me leave loving every part of you i've known. but let me go anyways. because, as i breathe you like the only oxygen i could let inside me, you can't look twice my way. break my heart again. change our paths. close the gap. ask for more. till i break into tiny pieces of you. till there's nothing left of me. till everything i see is a glimpse of us.

II

let me call it love, the way we laughed together. let me say i fell and got scared away. call me a mistake, but choose wrong again. let me be your bad decision. hold me in place while i fight so hard not to disappear inside your black eyes. tell me another lie as i adore every inch of you. let me replace everything that once felt like heaven. stay for just a few more minutes. let me be overwhelmed by the weight of you on my chest. let me be consumed. let me fill your head with so much nonsense till you can see it too. that we are made of fire, and there's no escape now besides burning together. let me set you on fire too.

III

as my last act of love, i'll let you go. 'cause leaving is all i know how to do. would you fight for it? for me? for us? would you ask the same question a third time? give this another chance? are you scared of the endings? tell me, are you gonna miss me for a lifetime too?

I speak to you through my eyes, Afraid the moon might hear my sighs. The stars may know what I conceal, But how could I confess what I feel?

If only my lips would dare to speak, The words my heart has held for weeks. Yet one small glance, one moment near, And all my courage disappears.

You say my name, and I lose my way, My heart forgets what it meant to say. What spell have you cast, what wound have you made? You leave me trembling, shy, and afraid.

Why do our eyes speak what our lips deny? Why do you know my heart when I never reply? Why do you hesitate when you stand so near, When my hands long for yours, and my heart has no fear?

Take my hand gently, let the silence end, Let this longing become something we need not pretend. But the flowers may listen, the rivers may know, And my friends will tease me wherever I go.

So I hide my affection beneath a lowered gaze, And lose myself in the warmth of your face. You, my beloved, so cruel without trying, Leave me smiling while inside I am sighing.

Come closer, look into my eyes, There are a thousand truths that in their depths lie. There are secrets dissolving, waiting to be seen, And words that live only in spaces between.

For what can the spoken word ever explain Of a heart that grows restless at the sound of your name? Some feelings are deeper than language can go, Some truths need no voice for the heart to know.

Yet still, my beloved, you fail to see The quiet confession you awaken in me. The night slips away, and time passes by, While I wait for you to read what I cannot imply.

Perhaps you are blind, or perhaps you pretend, Perhaps you are waiting for me to begin. But how can I tell you, when one look from you Makes a stranger of me, though my heart knows you?

The flowers may witness, the rivers may tell, My friends may discover the secret I dwell. Still, I wish you would reach for my hand, And understand what my silence has planned.

For I have no grand words, no courage to show, Only a heart that has nowhere else to go. And if love is a secret that two souls must keep, Then yours is the name I whisper in sleep.

Oh, my beloved, my sweetest pain, You give me a smile, then leave me in rain. You are the question my heart cannot answer, The quiet that burns, the sweetest disaster.

And if one day you should finally see All the love that has lived so quietly in me, Do not ask why I never spoke from the start.

You held the answer all along, In the trembling of my hands, And the silence of my heart.

This feeling...

It's like I've had some full body chemical peeling

Someone's smashed my teeth out and left me reeling

I'm keeling over and screaming

Why'd you have me higher than the ceiling

Before pulling me down just to leave me sinking

Now head is spinning and free wheeling

Of the promised future you had me thinking

Whole time you were concealing

How much you were really unfeeling

And found me to be unappealing

Yeah, this has been real revealing...

Now I'm waiting for the blood to start congealing

So I can somehow begin healing

From you who were so demeaning

And stitch back up the parts you left unseaming.

Im still me, just different.

Im a wife, Im a mother, Im a daughter, sister, friend.

...a little girl.

I still like cartoons and playgrounds.

I still like stickers and dolls.

I still like to laugh, sing and play.

I still like to read and have tea parties.

I still like to garden and go on walks.

I still like watching the clouds and the sun set.

My favorite color is still purple, I still like the same music, I still have the same style. I still have the same dreams.

Sometimes I feel so far away. But im right here...in the mirror looking back at myself, pleading for the spotlight again.

Shes still there.

She still needs love. She still needs care.

Yet I ignore her, shove her back in the corners of my mind.

I've become cold and callous. Irrational. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Anxious.

...Heavy.

I crave to be the carefree version of me I once was. Cheerful. Hopeful. Excited. Playful. Kind.

...Happy.

Life is just different now.

Unbearably faster yet stagnant all at the same time.

Kids grow, grandparents pass. Years slip away. Routines form. Phases come and go. Theres ups and downs.

Yet shes still here... patiently waiting.

Im still me.

Just different.

Caught in the line of fire;

My causality was your casualty.

Your lipstick painted a canvas

That should've been hers.

Coddled in my wings,

You mistook me for an angel.

The light cuts through the broken tears;

mistaken for a halo.

I gave what you never had;

It was meant for someone else.

So selfishly I took—

I took at your expense.

I never meant to hurt you;

Ensnared in my trap

The touch of an angel—

Falling. Falling... Fallen.

The Sun burns down at us from 93 million miles away, the Great Engine that fuels all life. Likewise my love for you, Elizabeth, burns hot through my whole being like the North Star, guiding me, where before I was a mariner on the sea of life, adrift among the baths of all the western stars. Now, come ashore, I find myself deeply rooted in the soil of life, entangled in our sweet growth. I now anchor myself into this new beginning and seek my purpose from this point. I rejoice in stepping into the next moment with you again and again. My heart is yours forever.

I am tired of being the one who knows,
which roads to take, which way to go.
Of holding tomorrow inside my hands,
of making the plans, of drawing the plans.

I can build a life, I can stand on my own,
I can turn empty rooms into a home.
But even the strongest heart gets tired, too,
of always deciding what two people should do.

I don't need a man who can promise the sky,
or swear that he'll never let a day pass me by.
I don't need perfection, grand gestures, or gold,
just a love that is gentle, a hand I can hold.

I want to hear, "Love, I've thought of a way."
"Leave this one to me. You've done enough today."
I want to be surprised by the things that you plan,
to feel that I'm loved by the choices you make, not just the words of a man.

I want to be asked, "What do you think of this?"
To feel that our future is something we both wish.
Not something I carry, not something I chase,
but something we build at a mutually chosen pace.

Because loving you isn't the difficult part.
It's loving you while protecting my heart,
while wondering if someday the things that I dream
will be things that you want, too—not just things that I mean.

And maybe that's all that I'm trying to say:
I don't need you to take all my worries away.
I just want to know that when life gets too much,
I have someone beside me who knows when to step up.

Someone who thinks of the we in our days,
who finds little ways to make love feel safe.
Someone who doesn't wait until I ask him to care,
who notices I'm tired and chooses to be there.

For I can be driven, ambitious, and strong,
I can keep going when everything's wrong.
But beneath all the courage the world gets to see,
there's a girl who wants someone to take care of her, too, occasionally.

A girl who wants softness, who wants to let go,
who wants to be held without having to know
what happens tomorrow, what needs to be done—
just for a moment, to be someone's loved one.

So don't just tell me you hear what I say.
Let me feel it in how you show up each day.
Let your love be a place where my mind can be still,
where I don't have to lead just to know that you will.

And if we're still learning, then let us begin.
Let love be more than the words we believe in.
For I don't need a perfect love, grand or divine—
I just want to stop carrying us all the time.

A

Funny thing about love.

We spend years searching for something we can’t quite describe.

We meet people.
Build lives.
Make promises.
Convince ourselves we’ve found it.

And sometimes, we walk away.

Not because anyone failed.
Not because the love wasn’t real.

But because something was missing.

Then one day,
without looking,
without warning,

there it is.

Fuck.

Of course it is.

The very thing we spent years searching for
arrives when life has other fuckin plans.

And suddenly,
everything makes sense.

Except the timing.

That’s the cruel irony of love.

Finding someone doesn’t mean
you get to be with them.

Sometimes two people
can feel something extraordinary
and still find themselves
standing on opposite sides
of the same door.

Neither wrong.
Neither unwilling to care.

Just unable to walk through it together.

And what the hell
are you supposed to do with that?

You can’t force love.
Can’t negotiate timing.
Can’t build a future
out of beautiful conversations
and a handful of maybes.

But you can’t pretend
it meant nothing either(ee).

Some connections
don’t disappear
just because circumstances
won’t let them grow.

They settle somewhere quiet.

In a familiar recipe.
An unexpected thought.
A chuckle that sounds like a giggle.

And sometimes,

Fuck.

You miss them.

Not desperately.
Not destructively.

Just honestly.

You miss the laughter.
The ridiculous conversations.
The comfort of being understood
without having to explain
every goddam fuckin thing.

And that’s okay.

Missing someone
doesn’t mean life has stopped.

There’s still meals to enjoy.
Mountains to climb.
Roads to wander.
Stories to write.

There’s still a whole fuckin life
waiting to be lived.

And solitude?

Maybe it isn’t loneliness.

Maybe it’s learning
to enjoy your own company
without pretending
you wouldn’t enjoy theirs.

Maybe it’s accepting
that something beautiful
can remain beautiful
even when it doesn’t become
what you hoped.

No resentment.
No demands.
No standing still
waiting for a different ending.

Just living.

Growing.
Laughing.
Being a little wiser
and occasionally
a complete fuckin idiot.

Because the heart
doesn’t need to forget
to find peace.

And the future?

Who the hell knows.

People change.
Circumstances change.
Life has a peculiar habit
of bringing people together
when they least expect it.

Or it doesn’t.

That’s the part
nobody gets to control.

So perhaps solitude
isn’t about closing doors.

Perhaps it’s about
leaving them open.

Not standing beside them.
Not checking the locks.
Not waiting for footsteps
on the other side.

Just walking away
to live a life worth living.

And if someday
two paths cross again,

well…

Wouldn’t that be…something?

Until then,

there’s no need
to stop loving life
just because someone
you’d love to share it with

isn’t holding your hand.

And maybe that’s
the beautiful part.

Being perfectly capable
of walking alone

while still remembering

how lovely it would be

to walk together.

‘I wish that I had no eyes, so no one can see, The sadness within me.

You came over late

with that look on your face

and I knew the evening

was going to cost me something.

I had whiskey. you had those eyes. neither of us had much sense.

you sat on the edge of my bed and started talking about your day while I watched your mouth and wondered how long you'd let me get away with it.

hell, I couldn't tell you what you were saying.

you caught me staring.

“what?”

“nothing, sweetheart.”

a lie. I've told better ones, but not many.

you smiled that slow, wicked smile

And moved a little closer,

close enough that I could smell your perfume

beneath the ordinary smell of being alive.

there are women a man wants to impress, women he wants to possess, and women who make him forget he ever had any damn plans.

you were becoming the third kind.

I reached for your hand.

you let me have it.

then you looked at me as though you were deciding whether the rest of me deserved the same kindness.

I wasn't about to argue.

I've spent too many nights with cold sheets and a bottle to pretend I don't know the value of a warm woman choosing to stay.

so I kissed you.

and for once the old bastard in my head shut his mouth.

the whiskey sat untouched. the clock kept its stupid little business to itself.

and when you whispered my name against my neck,

I thought about all the years I'd spent believing the good parts of life were meant for somebody else.

then you pulled me closer and I quit thinking altogether.

which, sweetheart, might have been the first intelligent thing I'd done all week.

The universe was heavily mistaken.
Our connection wasn’t fated to cross paths.
It is only something destined in fairytales.
If our eyes met across a crowded room, I know I would be a goner.
Time would stop.
Planets might collide.
I think life as we know it would be doomed!

​

Where sat like leafs on the wind

Calling others alike our friends

Only to watch them fly away

Oh so like all the rest

They fly away

My morning stuck in a loop, 
I wake up with a kiss, 
an assurance of light 
when dark comes. 
I open my eyes and the dream ends 
to this day I wonder was it all also a dream. 

For my birthday this year

I got my worst fear

Instead of presents- only tears

Such a day doesn't even matter

Now my heart is shattered

My father's health is what matters

If I still get a wish this birthday

Will you please make sure he is okay?

And help him heal so he can stay

Happy and content for the rest of his days.

I require a recanting

I can't keep demanding.

Fanning flames and floundering.

The chimney reeks of false remedies.

Who's hungry?

I've written something for you

No, it didn't cost me money or valuable gold

You're cosmic in yourself, though you don't need materialistic goods

All I bought you is memories that I've kept unfold

All I have is a pen, and the pen has me, so we must intertwine

I'm more of a hard drinker, but I do still like your favorite wine

If heaven had visiting hours, then I'll always be the first one in queue

No talks, no tears, and no sobbing

I'd be there to see you

You look a little different today

There's a wrinkle on the side of your face

God is cruel

I'm tired of exposing the truth

If I have to exist without my loved ones, then God must tear me apart

Nail my head, then pierce my heart

The first time is always so sweet,
When innocence and curiosity just meet.

When boy meets girl
and feelings start to swirl,
two strangers discover
a whole different world.

A smile becomes a glance,
a glance becomes a chance,
and suddenly two hearts
are learning to dance.

The questions never end,
the hours disappear,
and someone once a stranger
becomes someone you hold dear.

There’s magic in the mystery,
excitement in the chase,
a thousand little butterflies
from seeing someone’s face.

But somewhere in the sweetness,
before the hearts unfurl,
there’s something beautifully dangerous—

When boy meets girl.

My fascination with the moon
started a long time ago.

Maybe some women have something about them.
An inner lightness that cannot be explained.

They have a light about them.
An old, untameable soul.

They have the light of the moon inside them
and the light of years in their eyes.

The world would call them strange,
maybe even an oddball.

But those who know know.

You are my ghost.

Not because you're gone,
but because you're everywhere.

You're with me all day,
even if you're not physically there.

You're with me as soon as my eyes open.
You're hiding in my mind as time goes by.
And you're there in the smallest moments.

You're my very last thought
before I fall asleep.

Maybe that's why I love dreaming.

Because there are no rules.

No distance.
No fakeness.
No need to question how close you can feel
to someone that you shouldn't.

You're there.

And for a little while,
we're in a world
that only we understand.

You have one of the most beautiful souls.

An honest, pure soul
that's rare to find nowadays.

But you also have...

A bit of spice.
A bit of extra.
A bit of trouble.

You walk into a room
and somehow cause a stir.

I love that about you.

Maybe even more.

Because you were never meant to be normal.

You weren't made to be a softie
so others can feel comfortable around you.

You were made to cause a bit of noise.
To disrupt the norm.
To be a bit of a rebel
and make an impact.

You cause chaos.

You cause beauty.

Sometimes you cause a bit of both.

So don't try to change who you are
to make it easier for someone to love you.

Be wild.

Be weird.

Be beautifully you.

And please...
Don't run away.

Because I think one day
we won't have to fake it anymore.

We won't have to hide behind our many different sides.
We won't have to question what we can and can't feel.
We won't have to hide parts of us.

I think one day
the line between our dream world
and our real world
will disappear.

I won't have to search for you
in the quiet times
because you'll be there.

With me.

And maybe that's what home really is.

Not four walls.
Not a spot on a map.

It's knowing you can finally let out a breath.

Knowing you're completely seen
and still wanted.

Knowing you don't have to hide anything.

You'll bring your moonlight.
Your madness.
Your fire.
Your beautiful, complex soul.

And I'll bring mine.

And somehow,
we've created our own little world
in the middle of all the things
that were trying to push us apart.

No masks.
No distance.
No ghosts.

Just you and me.

Two people
who finally stopped running.

Two people.

One soul.

Finally home.

Your beating heart

Beating in rhythm , in sync with mine .

I love their sound together like the gentle beating of a drum

They increase in magnitude as they draw closer

The music of our words matching their rhythm .

I love it when our words make music together .

When we just let the mood take over and we flow together .

Our beating hearts , reminding us, it’s good to be alive .

Furtive

Apocryphal

Know-it-all

Ersatz

Lowdown

Obsequious

Volatile

Exaggerated

You learn to kill your wishes, bit by bit,
To dim the dreams you once held close and lit.
To bury little hopes before they grow,
And let go of the things you long to know.

A hope here, a want there, a future you release,
A thousand tiny deaths to purchase inner peace.
You learn to silence wishes before they take their flight,
And slowly teach your heart to live without their light.

For if you do not learn to let things die,
The world may take them while you wonder why.
It takes a piece, then takes another part,
Until there’s little left to guard your heart.

There is a certain danger in letting someone see
The fragile little dreams you guard so secretly.
To tell them what you long for, to let them glimpse inside,
Then watch them take your tender hopes and leave them there to die.

To lose what you wanted is a sorrow you can bear,
But losing what you shared is a different kind of despair.
It’s a wound that cuts much deeper, a pain you cannot hide,
For you gave them not just your dream, but the part of you inside.

So I would rather be the one who lets go,
And bury the dreams I once wished to know.
For what I lay to rest with my own two hands
Hurts less than losing what another understands.

So I’d rather be the little hand that lays my dreams to rest,
Than let another carve them from the chambers of my chest.
I’d rather kill a wish before it learns to fly,
Than watch someone else destroy it while I stand by and cry.

Sometimes there is pain in letting someone see
The tenderest parts of who you wish to be.
To hand them dreams you’ve guarded all your life,
Then watch them turn those dreams against your strife.

So I’ll practice letting go before the world can make me,
I’ll learn to lose the things I love before their loss can break me.
And if my dreams must die, then let them die by my decree,
For I’d rather mourn the things I killed than what they killed in me.

For if a dream must die, let it die with me,
Not at the hands of someone who held the key.
I’d rather choose the wound, though it tears me apart,
Than let another learn the map of my heart.

For the pain I choose is a pain I can survive
The pain they choose may leave me barely alive.

So I will kill my wishes, small and slow,
Before I give the world the chance to do so.
Not because I feel no pain when dreams depart,
But because I’d rather lose my dreams
Than let the world teach me to lose my heart.

For the cruelest loss is not a dream that never came true,
But the pieces of yourself you lose while trusting someone with you.

And if my wishes must die, let them die by my own hand,
For a heartbreak I choose is one I can withstand.
I’d rather bury every dream, every hope, every part,
Than let the world decide what’s left of my heart.

I'm not a kid, I'm much too old,
Old enough to know all that gliters ain't gold.
Im adulting. I've paid my bills, I've done my chores,
But now I'm literally in a candy store.

There's chocolate stacked against the wall,
And jars of jelly beens ten feet tall.
There's lemon drops and licorice,
Should I get some? well if you insist.

I know that sugar isn't wise,
But look at all those pretty dyes!
I am pretty good at self-control,
And not when there's gummy bears on parole.

I want the red, I want the blue,
I want the all the things I shouldn't do.
I want a taste of every shelf,
I think eating something fun is good for your health.

But here's the thing about this place,
The sweetest things don't leave a trace.
They melt away, they're quickly gone,
And somehow leave you wanting one.

I know the cost, I've paid before,
I've left my teeth upon this floor.
And yet I stand here, wanting more,
A grown man in a candy store.

There's caramel and taffy too,
And every shade of sugary goo.
But something strange has come to view,
None of what I see is as sweet as you.

And though I've wandered aisle by aisle,
And tasted everything in style,
I'd trade this store, its treasures too,
For just one little taste of you.