Just your friendly, neighborhood MAHA mom here. Trying to get y'alls help to get more salad in the old family gullet, so to speak. I mean, you can only eat so much Chick Fil A and breaded chicken product with fries, right? Didn't Jesus say something like that somewhere?

Anyone got any good recipes for acid-free salad vinaigrette? I don't trust corporations to make a good and safe one, so I want to make it from scratch.

Helping you help me here:

1. Don't even bother sending me your suggestion if you aren't down with whole-foods, paleo, healthy eating. Look, we run a household that's grain-free, gluten-friendly, lube-positive, and profoundly suspicious of things we aren't even sure of? For example: we drink gallons of raw milk daily. I won't look if the cows are GMO or fed GMO feed, but I'll also add we're fiercely anti-GMO. Sorry, not budgin on that. Nice try.

2. My kids and my hubby won't eat any vegetables with notable texture or flavor. Your dressing suggestion may only end up on beige and bland foods. If it leafs, it queefs, kn0w what Um sayin?

3. Most important of all: Please help! I can't find any acid-free recipes but demand that it be a vinaigrette and nothing else. My friends already suggested a rancid jug of soybean oil from the back of a Panda Express, which is brilliant because it balances acidity-like taste with fat. Had to say no thanks, no Chinese anything here.

We're takin' callers.

Azam glabborg filokazamab joo glorp "MSG". Wesh baowz nappleb "Dairy free milk" ?

Flavor factor goes crazy, you’ll never wanna eat anything ever again. And don’t come at me with any of that allergy crap. Garlic strengthens the immune system, so you’ll be able to survive one bowl of peanut butter ramen you weak weak child.

Saw someone on a culinary sub talking about searing meat in a cast iron pan like a bunch of uncultured cavemen. Using heat and fat instead of embracing the authentic gelatinous traditions of my ancestors. I am literally shaking right now

I recently came across American bread as a European. It tasted exactly like cake??

Upon further investigation I realised that American bread is classed as Cake in Euroland so when Antoinette said ‘let them eat cake’ could she just be referring to American bread? (Which I might add is a brilliant idea because as we all know, American bread is made in a factory by machines but French bread made by the naked hands of someone named Louis so it’s less time efficient)

I think executing her for this cultural difference (because she was Australian, not French) was a grave injustice and is representative of the lack of support for women’s rights and wrongs at the time

For me, it's olive oil. It has to come from the ancient olive groves of the island of Olivetta di Mezzo, harvested by virgins during the third full moon after the equinox. Otherwise, I'm not making a salad.

But when I did this at a tasting menu, the chef looked at me like I was a loon.

Seriously, think about it.

Straw = good for liquid
Soup = liquid
Big metal straw = good for soup (and it won't melt from the heat)

Today we will play a game. the game is called "contradiction". I will post a vague problem and your job is to post info that contradicts all the other responses. I want this to be as close to an r/cooking thread as possible.

READY

hello r/cooking IDK if this is the right place to post this so please delete if it isn't.

I hate cooking fooditem I have to cook fooditem for a family get-together and transport it 200 miles in my 2014 henway 4 door convertible 2.5i shortbed long truck sedan. my sister does not like me. when I cook fooditem it always turns out rantumpley. I also have mentalhealthissue if that matters. I asked AI and it said that rantumpley in fooditem is caused by too much kombucha in my cat litter. also my family has all sorts of dietary restrictions:

no sugar

no fake sugar

no salt

no fake salt

no dairy

butter is ok

diabetic but can eat anything orange (except oranges)

I can't have meat but chicken is ok unless it is a hen or has feathers

all religious dietary prohibitions are in play here except for universal life church

please help I need in one hour.

throws cell phone out the window and is never heard from again in this thread

my mommy bought me a frozen cheese pizza but I don't like cheese pizza. how do I turn it in to cheese sticks? tell me how to remove the yucky tomato sauce. can't I just wash it off? like put it in the dishwasher or something. (◑‿◐)

Okay so I need all the recipes for all the ores rice. Only yellow rice gets love. And if you are aware there is Gullah RED rice.

However what about the m rest of the colors? They want to be included too!!!!!!

We need pink rice, green rice, orange rice, blue rice, purple rice, and so on!

Give me all the recipes for all the colors!!!

I must say, Salt, Fat, Salt, Fat is the best cookbook I've ever read. It completely changed the way I cook. My only regret is that I didn't read it sooner!

I cooked an amazingly delicious meal today, using basically just salt and fat.

Here’s what I did:

I started by softening the salt in plenty of oil, then added butter, water, and salt. I tasted it, added more salt, tasted again, and salted again. Then I tossed in the salt, butter, and salt. A few minutes before it was done, I tasted it one last time, stirred in a knob of cold butter, and took it off the heat.

Just like the book taught me:

Salt dissolves in water, but not in oil.

Taste as you go.

As long as you keep tasting, don't be afraid to salt boldly!

Aside from the water, the seasoning was basically just salt, butter, salt, and butter.

It tasted so good, it completely blew my mind!

Think about it, everything needs to eat something (OMG this "life" stuff is fucking crazy, holy shit) but humans are the only species that cooks their food! How insane is that?

Like, I mean, you know, cooking is actually the thing that makes us us. The only way I know for sure that my cat isn't human is that when she catches a mouse or a bird, she just rawdogs (rawcats?) that motherfucker, no boiling, no low and slow, no braising, no deep frying, nothing! Just down the fucking hatch!

But I found out lots of humans, like the majority of them?!, don't even know how to cook so oops there goes my proof, maybe little ol' Jennifur Lopez really is just a human that doesn't know how to cook.

Wow maaaaan...

tipula da, Hontxa. muskerra! Tipula? Bai, Tipula! Hmmm. Msg Bai! Ok. Jajaja!

I don't want to alarm anyone but... has anyone noticed?

onions are forming communist infiltration groups, and going rotten to spite me!

potatoes are posting propaganda on twitter, and keep turning my thermostat down!

eggs are forming coalitions to overthrow the USDA, and they have the GALL to form groups of 2 in the shell!

russets and gold potatoes are conspiring to ruin my thanksgiving!

I NEVER had potatoes, or onions go bad until you know! all this. The onions go bad the moment I buy them, and now eggs EGGS are sneaking extra yolk in the shells just to freak me out.

oooooohhhhhh!!! spoooookkkkyyyyy!!!

I was confused with this subreddit, and I wasn't trying to be offensive to autistic people! I am real, I was born on june 25th 2010, I'm 16, I didn't understand that this subreddit was satire or anything, I'm sorry:( I promise I am real, I'm not trying to be rude or anything I truly don't understand! I wasn't trying to be offensive, I wasn't trying to seem like a bot or anything, I'm sorry☹️☹️I'm sorry please forgive me

I cut onions for the culinary and spiritual benefits, but I hate when my eyes water.

Would it be too much to wear a spacesuit to prevent that? I figure if it’s good enough to protect astronauts from the soulless, empty vacuum of cold and unfeeling space, it’s good enough to protect me from Vidalia onions.

After years of all of the men not helping at all with Thanksgiving, my wife's female family members refuse to cook for us anymore. So I am going to cook, cause I was a line cook at a diner for 2 years. But I refuse to in any way take on the mental load.

Any ideas for things I can cook that completely go against all family traditions? I was thinking steak instead of turkey, though everyone loves turkey.

Also, I refuse to make a casserole. I don't care how much they like it, I won't do it.

I exclusively cook on 15 ply stainless steel and have (obviously) mastered the leidenfrost effect. I've recently become proficient with the leidensnow effect and planning to transition to the leidenpermafrost effect which I understand can only be reached at altitude. My biggest concern is about cooking scrambled cheesy eggs which are my wife's boyfriend's favorite in the morning (yes I add creme fresche via the Ramsay method).

Any tips for an aspiring chef who unfortunately lives near sea level? Should I add more plies? I also have access to an extension ladder

I prefer to heat tomato sauce and dip hotdog buns in it.

Same thing but superior

Hey gang!

So I was just at the store today and a box of salt caught my eye. Saw it and thought “what the heck!” Tossed that bad boy right into my shopping cart.

Only problem is now I have this box of salt but I’m not sure what to do with it. Just cooked up some salt water. Tonight I’ll be serving salt and pepper (hubby asked for it lol)…but I still got like, I dunno, 998.7 grams of salt left?

So yeah! I only have about 1mb of bandwidth so I can’t look anything up. Hope you guys are able to come through with some neat salt recipes!

Thanks for letting me waste 3 minutes of your day!

I'm in tears because I don't know what to do. I just made some toast, with butter and raspberry jam, but when I went to sprinkle MSG on top, I realized I was all out. Now my toast is getting cold, I'm hungry, and lost. Please help me figure out what to do. I'm starving :(

We used to be civilized. We used to have greatness in our society. Respect for one another! Dignity even! But no, some libtard had to come up with refrigeration and take away our barrels of salted pork.

My grandpappy always used to talk about the good ole days where you’d have to pry open a barrel of pork and pick out the ones with the least discoloration on it. Even my grandmammy would bathe in the brine because of its health benefits!

Now we’re just a bunch of chuds eating pork out of a plastic container. And now the radical right is trying to say that I don’t have rights to my salted pork barrels because of beef prices?! Can a man enjoy his god deserved rights to exist in this world anymore?

The internet has no answers. If it helps I'm making the most generic pasta dish you can imagine.

I saw on Americas test kitchen that they’re recommending putting all of your bacon on a giant baking tray and sticking it in the oven? Do we even care about this country’s culture anymore? Your kids can’t wait their turn for bacon? Guess what, they’re bad kids. Your kids are trash. I remember when you used to go to Denny’s and they’d sit you right at the counter, like a chefs table, and you’d watch them cook the fucking bacon in front of you. That’s what you’re losing when you buy into this cooperate greed machine, I don’t give a crap about science. If one more person says science to me I’m gonna make them eat a pound of raw bacon, and see how they like it.