Gotta chime in for law, because it's surprisingly accurate for a lot of client intakes.
Man: I want to sue because I got a paper that says I'm getting kicked out of my apartment!
Lawyer: Alright, can you tell me a little about the situation?
Man: SIR, I am NOT a lawyer and I don't know.
Lawyer: Uh OK well do you know what the problem is. Can you tell me what happened? Did you have a lease? What paper did you receive?
Man: I don't know what papers I received! I just know that my family is going to be homeless! Are you going to help me or not?
Lawyer: Well sir, I can't help you if I don't know what happened. Can you start from the beginning?
Man: SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. ARE YOU SAYING I DON'T HAVE A CASE!? I KNEW YOU LAWYERS NEVER WANT TO HELP PEOPLE, YOU JUST WANT MONEY. I'M GOING TO CALL SOMEONE ELSE.
My mother-in-law always claims she can't figure out technology, and won't even try.
My father-in-law was keen to learn, and would ask me to show him step by step how to, for example, email a photo, or post it to facebook. He'd write the steps down carefully, then follow them with me talking him through them, then again with me saying nothing. Then the same the next day, and eventually, he'd be able to do it by himself.
Then, one day, we were trying to contact my technophobe MIL, but we couldn't get through to her at all. We were getting quite anxious. When we finally did meet up, we taught her how to receive and make calls on her (new for her) smartphone. I only had to explain it once, then watch her once, and she got it.
So my MIL, who normally won't touch tech, learnt quicker than my FIL, when she was sufficiently motivated.
For some unknown reason people can use their brain for stuff like cars but as soon as anything about computers comes up NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS LIKE IT IS MAGIC! Fucking hell just listen and follow instructions, is it really that hard just because it is a computer?
Edit: Thanks for everyone providing their on views about this. Really interesting reading through them.
My mother needed a new part for her woodburning stove she has in her lovely out-of-state cabin that she can afford. What she apparently couldn't afford was the time or courtesy to the woman on the phone who asked her for the model number. My mom kept telling me what a bitch she was, until I spoke with her, and found the model number on the plate at the side of the stove. When I answered the "bitch" on the phone with the model number, with the number where it said, "model number," things were surprisingly uncomplicated. My mother was even angrier at me after that. What a shithead I was to help out that horrible woman by figuring something out!
my mom does this shit when I'm explaining something in the pc, she goes into retard mode and ask for things like: where do I click? (right I after I say click accept), right click or left click? (proceed to click the wrong button), close everything because shes done with the task and open the browser again.
The funny thing is that when she's alone in the pc she knows how to shitpost in facebook perfectly fine. I don't really understand why does this happens but it does, I'm not even mean with her or anything, really strange.
I was the same way in grade school. I barely graduated high school due to my math grades. I couldn't get it and my teachers would rarely take the time to answer questions.
When I tested for community college I was at an 8th grade level. Most of my professors have been amazing. I'm getting into calculus now and I've had an A in every math class. I've been thinking about changing my major to engineering lately.
I did terribly in math even into college where I decided to major in engineering. Took 2 fails in calc to realize I was weak in algebra and trig. Took those 2 classes separately and was able to get through calc and through engineering school. It's not paying off, but that's a separate issue. I'm in a different field now.
u/xelle24 is right. The trick is to learn something you'd never learned before, and with less effort than what you expected. The best bet is to find a good teacher (what happened to me). Or develop insane amounts of discipline when it comes to delayed gratification (still working on that).
I think people fail to understand that certain people have a embedded understanding of particular things. Because I grew up with computers I can do just about anything on them without issue.
Now ask me to change the oil on a car? I'll have a step by step guide and it seems easy enough. Next thing you know I've got a gasket on backwards and oil leaking everywhere. To the other guy it's just common sense to me it's just wtf did I do.
Despite trying to explain to her multiple times, my mom still doesn't know how to "google" something. I mean, what does she do on the internet if she doesn't know how to use a simple search tool?
I tried to teach my mom how to google. It did not work.
I was trying to tell her about keywords you search for. Not like "how do I change the battery in my 1988 chevy celebrity" but like "change battery chevy celebrity" kind of thing and she just could NOT understand it.
I also got a lot of shit from my parents when they'd try to use yahoo messenger (I R an olde now) and if I didn't respond within seconds they said "well you must be busy, I'll talk to you later." Like...I got up to get a glass of water or something. Jesus.
And in this day and age, basic knowledge of a computer is almost a necessity. So many jobs use them, and even if they don't, the application is most likely online.
Fucking hell just listen and follow instructions, is it really that hard just because it is a computer?
I've never understood the hate towards people like that. "Computer Literate" people seem to give users a really hard time when they want their hand held throughout a very simple process. I would much rather have the people that don't listen and just want me to come out to insert a USB stick and then click install for them because people like that have allowed me to recently move into my lovely new house...Hell if microsoft hurry up with windows 11 I might just be able to afford to get a pool installed.
If you teach a man to fish, he'll fire your ass the second he works out just how simple your job really is, but sell a man a fish and the lazy fuck will just keep buying the fish from you again and again.
I work at a computer repair joint and we always go to the computers and cars analogy.
We are continually amazed that there are people that have a password, but have no idea what it is (or if they even have one) until they see their login screen. We like to imagine mechanics having the same issue.
"Ok I'll just need your keys."
"What?"
"Your keys, to start the car."
"I don't have any."
"You sure? Because it's asking for keys."
"Nope. Never had any."
"So you just get in, sit down and drive away?"
"Yep."
"Look, here, that's where you normally put your keys in to start it. It won't start without them."
"Oh my keys? Right. Well it's either this set, this set, or this set followed by that set."
Passwords are a royal pain whenever a friend or family member tricks me into IT work.
I'm trying to convince my parents to just write down their passwords in a little black book and hide it in their sock drawer. Yes, I know that is terrible security compared to something like an encrypted password manager but my argument is thus, "Mom, if someone were to break into your house (15 miles from the nearest town and deep in gun owner country, no less) are you really going to be worried about your Roku account?"
Ah, the monitor. I learned that lesson when I was a kid. I had left something running and went somewhere with my dad. This was in both the early years of everyone owning a computer and me walking around on the planet. I was wondering if my game would keep collecting points every few minutes even if the monitor went black. My dad informed me that the monitor is just how the computer communicates with me and everything that's making it run is in that box next to it.
Years later I remembered this and was having fun at my former ignorance. I was shocked at finding out that that was a common misconception.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE thinks the monitor is the computer when they first start computering. It was even more common when monitors were huge CRTs.
My life is technology now, but when my dad bought us our first PC he wanted to show us how heavy it was so he told me to lift it. I lifted the monitor. I had no idea what that extra box was for. I was a Junior in high school. Yes, I'm old (for Reddit anyway).
I had a case where turning off the monitor shut down the computer, because it was hooked up to one of those Master/Slave power strips. The screen was plugged in as master, the computer as slave. I never really found a use for those things.
That's how I started programming in Q-Basic. Fractals and stuff. And they took hours back then. I was less than convinced that I could start the program, enter the coordinates, and run it with the screen turned off.
I even had my own logic. If the screen is on, all output works fine. But if it's off, won't there be an error, like trying to print when the printer is off?
I have also found that using car metaphors and comparisons when working with pc's actually helps people understand. Unless you get very technical. But keep it basic. and it works a treat.
Tech: Your CPU is broken
Customer: What?
Tech: It's like you are trying to drive a car with a blown engine.
I really can't understand how people don't know what car they have. Presumably you spent a non-trivial amount of money on it. How do you not know? Plus the make and model are usually WRITTEN ON THE CAR SOMEWHERE.
On the other hand I can't tell you how many people I have had tell me that the browser they use is foxfire or gmail, and who can't find the model number of their computer even if I tell them "It's written on the right side of the keyboard" or "on the top of the computer above the CD drive" or something.
I know a guy who used to work at a General Motors call center. He had some lady call in and make a complaint about a Ford. He told her that is not a General Motors product, so he can't do anything, and her objection was essentially, "But Ford is an American car, isn't it? And GM makes American cars."
I once hung up on a woman like this. When the complaint came through management I didn't even let them finish, I aggressively told them to pull the recording and listen to it.
I used to work in a call centre and my boss LOVED customers like this. He never once got angry about those kind of calls - unless we were genuinely being a cunt to the customer - because he would wait for them to ring and complain and then make it his personal challenge to have sold them something by the end of the call. Worked every fucking time, like magic.
Your old boss knows the tricks. The dumber the customer the easier to rip 'em off selling them what they don't need. And I guess those type of people deserve it for not even wanting to put their damn brains to work. Your old boss does it like a boss.
That's just a little bit slimy. Their problem isn't fixed, they haven't learned how to properly seek help, AND they've wasted money on a new thing they don't know how to use. GG.
Except their problem is fixed because they're no longer angry, they have sought help because they've spoken to the manager, and if they end up deciding to purchase the product that is well worth the money, a technician comes out free of charge and shows them how to use it. So yeah probably best to not make assumptions with limited information on what the business was even about.
Well they were unwilling and combative from the get go, they don't want help. They want to complain and yell. Most customers have no idea what they want and it is up to the salesman to tell them what is best for them.
I had a guy who aggressively wanted to talk to the person in charge after speaking with one of my student employees (female) and not being happy with the answer we gave him (which was basically no we can't give you your college student child's password because FERPA)
So he was transferred to me (also female) and I told him exactly the same thing because it's the fucking law. But no, snowflake was too busy to call and reset the password they fucking forgot. He was still insisting on talking to someone in charge (My boss is also female) but I said very firmly, "Look, this is the law, no matter who you talk to the answer will be the same. Legally, we can only talk to your kid about their password, and no one who works here is going to risk their job so your kid doesn't have to take a reset my password break instead of a smoke break at their summer job" He finally got it. I don't know if he was being an ass because I'm a chick or because he just hadn't figured out the umbilical cord should have been cut 18 years ago, but it really felt like he felt like I couldn't be "in charge" because I'm female.
Reminds me of a complaint I got in one of my sales/customer service jobs.
Management: There's a complaint about you.
Me: No way, people love me.
Management: She said you were condescending.
Me: Well...that does sound like me. I think I remember this woman. To be fair, if she didn't want me to sound condescending, she shouldn't have been so stupid.
Our contact at a banking customer of a former employer of mine made a colleague of mine cry with his misogynistic bullying. Consequently, that customer's support contract was suspended until he personally wrote a letter of apology to my colleague.
FUCK ME WITH A KNIFE, I KNOW. You just need to read the fucking words in front of you out loud. I'm not expecting you to understand what SSL error 46 means, I don't need you to know what cftmon.exe does, just READ. THE. FUCKING. TEXT.
"OK, well....what does the error message say...?" asked the tech, hesitantly. "I'M NOT VERY TECH SAVVY" said the user, stabbing himself in the eyes with usb sticks and slamming his laptop closed on his eternally flaccid cock.
obligatory gold edit Gilded 10 months after the fact, thank you fellow sufferer of other people's stupidity.
I die a little every time... after going round and round a few minutes, user offers up, "oh, there was an error message, but I clicked OK to make it go away."
pull ticket history. user has been with the company 10 years. motherfucker, you've been an office worker for 10 years. how do you not know how to set a password by now?
To be honest. If that person is so incompetent that they can't read an error message, I have little hope that even if you knew what error it was, that you would be able to get them to follow the directions to correct it.
Instead of asking them 'What does the error say try asking them to read you the error message. That way your asking them to perform an action instead of supply information.
One time I legitimately had an error on my work computer that was just completely empty. Like it just said "ERROR " and nothing else. Couldn't open any new programs, couldn't close anything.
I called tech support and I could just tell that they didn't believe me. The brief silence when they finally jumped in remotely was glorious. The fact that that computer never worked again and had to be replaced (which took two months), on the other hand, was not.
Actually, when designing websites that is one of the design goals: avoid making the users think. That is, make the use of the website so intuitive and natural that people can't screw up. There's a book about it with an appropriate title:
When things dont go as expected many people panic, making it just worse. Ever seen one of those dashcam video with the woman screeching at 12kHz and 130dB? makes concentrating on evading debris much harder.
So, I've always wondered. Is the captioning done by a computer or is there a person listening to what the 'non hearing impaired person' is saying and typing it out in real time for the 'hearing impaired person' on the other end to read?
Most captioning places use voice recognition software, but it doesn't directly transcribe the voice of the person/business taking the call. The captioner is the one who speaks to the voice recognition software by echoing the voice of the person on the phone, in a monotone / understandable-to-the-software voice. But they have a keyboard as a backup.
I work at a tech support desk (too specific to go into) and I can relate. It's at this point I usually stick a finger gun in my mouth and blow my brains out.
The most popular posts are just poorly written masturbatory fiction. Upvoted loyally by a readership of sycophants who creepily obsess over, and fellate the egos of, the authors of said terrible fiction.
And if you dare to point out that the shitty story makes no fucking sense, the story reads like a "bestof" post from r/thathappened, or that the crappy author clearly doesn't even know what they're talking about ... the sycophants will turn on you like a pop-star's swarm of 14 year old twitter followers.
I don't think most of the readers even work in IT, I can't imagine real IT folks could read those shitty fiction stories without all the gross inaccuracies getting under their skin.
Which is why unified download folders, adblockers, and a variety of sites GLUED to the Favorites / w/e bar is mandatory. Sure, they can figure it out, but it would save you the hassle.
In reading all the copypasta hilarity stemming from this post, I had a realization...
This call was not about you and it was not about getting help. This person did not want help. This was about winning an argument with a third person (whom you never spoke with).
There was probably also a person standing right next to your caller hearing only half the conversation, and from that person's perspective, the call sounds more believable (if not reasonable).
Caller: "I'm not able to log into the website!" Tech: ... Caller: "SIR, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know." Tech: ... Caller: "I don't know what that is!" Tech: ... Caller: "SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO HELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP" Caller: "See Margret! I tried and they just won't help! I'm not calling them again."
This was about winning an argument, not getting tech support.
Had something similar happen while working IT at university.
Lady called in complaining that her name was showing up on certain websites when she Googled herself. Keep in mind, she was referring to a site listed on like the 5th page of Google.
She went on for nearly 25 minutes about how she wanted this information removed and that she knew we could do it, but that we were just refusing to help her.
Everyone that's done phone support has gotten SOME variation of this call.
I remember someone who was incredibly PO'd because they'd deleted a shortcut and were 100% sure they'd deleted the program. Ten minutes of trying to explain what a pointer is was met with that same reply, almost verbatim.
Finally I used the analogy of someone using a card catalog in a library to explain what the pointer was, and then saying that deleting the shortcut was like tearing up one of the author cards. It didn't destroy the original book, you just had to create a new 'card.'
Greetings! I am from the future, when your comment has taken over the internet. Unfortunately I could not make it far enough back to stop you. I asked the technician to set the dial further back, but he replied that he was not a time travel person, and proceeded to hang up on me.
Good, let them hang up. Desktop computers have been around since the 80s and there are thousands of books and courses to learn the basics. If they can be bothered learning, FUCK 'EM.
Computer illiterate users are one thing but script-dependent tech support annoy me more than my mother ever could.
Please don't take it personally OP, just what I got reminded of.
You explain a problem. You attach error codes. You suggest a possible reason for it happening. And all you get back is a generic
update graphics driver.
Completely uninstall and re-install the program.
Restart the computer.
There should be an abbreviation which you can cut-off techsupport with to skip their script. Something that will make clear that I have done all the things already.
It's really the worst with problems concerning internet connections. Those people on the phone have been traumatized by some crazy people.
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u/applepwnz Aug 01 '16
A real call I got once:
Me: "Tech Support, how can I help you?"
Them: "I'm not able to log into the website!"
Me: "Okay what message is it showing when you try to log in?"
Them: "SIR, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know."
Me: "Do you know which web browser you're using?"
Them: "I don't know what that is!"
Me: "Okay, when you want to go on the internet, do you click on a blue E, or a multicolored circle, or..."
Them: "SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO HELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP"