Wrapping up law school and coming out of a couple of grueling years balancing firm work (corporate/tax) and heavy exam prep.

Now that I finally have some breathing room to actually think about dating and relationships, I realize how much energy demanding careers drain from you. Between the hours, hitting the gym to stay sane, and just wanting quiet downtime, the modern app scene feels completely exhausting and superficial.

For those of you who work long hours or built serious careers in your late 20s and 30s: how did you navigate finding a partner on a similar wavelength? Did you meet through shared interests, mutual circles, or did you just force yourself to make time for apps? Would love some perspective from guys who've balanced both.

I'm a 34-year-old British gay male who's a virgin and been single my entire life. If you're wondering why, I spent most of my teens and twenties fixating on straight friends of mine waiting in vain for them to reciprocate and only came to fully embrace myself during the pandemic, and I'm also very much an introvert with Asperger's syndrome and exclusively straight male friends. A year ago I went on dating apps for the first time (Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble; not going anywhere near Grindr) and went on two dates with a guy, but that fizzled out and went nowhere as we had similar personalities but not many common interests, and he was also still extremely close with his ex who he used to live with. Also chatted to a Danish guy but he kept giving very brief and vague responses to my questions without reciprocating and kept stalling on arranging a video call which never happened. I've recently started trying again as I moved house a few months ago and have been training at the gym for a year. I've never been overweight or particularly out of shape, but I've always been skinny and have gained about 30 lbs in that time without getting noticeably fatter which is a good sign I guess.

I won't hide behind the fact that I can be picky and prefer masculine, straight-acting guys, and a major reason for me hitting the gym is to hopefully attract a man who does the same. Therefore, I swipe left on the vast majority of the guys that come up, but I've had a few matches so far. I however get cold feet easily and have only initiated a conversation with three of them, one of whom never responded. With the two who did however in both cases they've quickly ended the messaging when I've told them I'm fairly new to dating. Clearly, bringing that up in very early stages is not a good tactic, but that (and being a virgin) is a conversation that would have to come up eventually.

Doing all of this stresses me out because it's such unfamiliar territory and I've spent my entire life interacting with other guys in a purely platonic manner, but I'm compelled to keep trying because I'm a naturally reclusive person and don't want to end up alone forever, but I feel basically clueless on how to go about this.

Hi,

I apologize in advance if my questions are silly question.

I am in my early 30s. I am not out yet. But i am tired of working and I need to go out in sunshine, before winter hits here in Canada. I am thinking of going to palm springs alone and I have been looking at Desert Paradise and Inndulge. How is it there? I feel anxious, but at the same time I want to experience it. I am attracted to older men. Are there many solo travellers who book the resort?

Thanks!

Edit: i have checked Santiago, twin palms and descano, all are fully booked…

What’s up, fellas?

Hitting up Seattle for the first time in a couple weeks. Never been before. It’s a quick 3 night trip. Late 30s guy here. What’s on the must do? What’s not worth the effort? Mix of outdoor adventure and gay scene is kinda what I’m thinking.

• 30 years old and got out of 5-year relationship with someone 20 years older about a year ago
• I talk to my therapist about this too

I’ve been talking to guys on apps, going on dates, etc. I want to be in a relationship again, but every time I meet someone in person, it’s like my brain does an instant “swipe left” on them. I want to give these guys a chance because we chat well on the apps, but after hanging out with them on a date (and even kissing + more), it doesn’t click. I find them all incredibly boring IRL.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m comparing them to what I had with my ex; sometimes I wonder if I’m just picky.

Has anyone else had this problem? Tips to get over it?

Heya bros~

I (31M) have been loose friends with and flirting with this guy (30M) for about 3 years - really ever since my last relationship ended. There have been a handful of times where we have made out and or just spent the night cuddling and watching TV, but it didn't stick until recently. We were at a fest and really vibed. Now a few weeks later, we are dating and have fallen into a nice groove. Truly, it's one of those things where I'm kicking myself for not realizing that it would be this good or that the way he makes me feel was right under my nose all along.

He is a pretty poly and open person and while I've played with others in past relationships, I've never really been in a true open or poly relationship. I'm definitely open to the possibility and have even thought that I would prefer a semi-open relationship before even taking this leap with him. But, some negative experiences from past relationships (i.e., agreements being broken, outside play being used as a weapon, etc.) have made me apprehensive about starting -- particularly with the poly dimension. I've done a lot of inner work the past three years but now I need to put that into action. I trust myself so much more to do what's right for me, but there's some lingering anxiety about it all.

I know that a lot of stories on here are about couples opening after years due to a dead bedroom, but I'm curious if any of y'all have advice, helpful anecdotes, perspective, and/or recommendations for a gay bro entering a new relationship that is open? TIA!

So I'm on a conventional dating app. And I understand the landscape of rejection, ghosting and chats suddenly stopping - thats par of the course.

but I'm starting to get a complex as time after times there's the same pattern.

you match with someone - often THEM liking first, you chat, - the chat goes well and starts flowing well, you realise you have things in common, you have a good back and forth, the chat gets niche/detailed, they seem open, the realisation of compatibility grows, you chat of interests, they complement you. etc - then suddenly - they disappear - they have unmatched/blocked! or the chat ends apprubtly - you send the last message and maybe one or 2 follow up 'nudge' type messages - but never get a reply.

And I've started thinking 'what have they found out about me' - like they have done an internet search and found my social media - or done a reverse image search on my picture - and found something out they don't like. I mean my social media is pretty locked down - I have a small footprint and don't think theres anything I wouldn't want out there.

Do you think guys do that? background check type thing? I'm not the most technical so don't know what's possible now with AI etc.

I also ruminate it's something I said - but I look at chats and never identify anything in particular that could influence someone like that (no big personal revelation). I don't think I've ever seemed too keen - maybe i've seemed under-keen, but I have a life and don't look at the apps constantly!

And when it happens with such frequency.....I'm talking 90% of the time - you can't help but think the common denominator is yourself! isolated or infrequent incidents (or 50%) are easy to shrug off, but when its everyone near enough you go hmmm what's going on here.

I need your advice older bros- I cum really fast, usually within 2 min of going in. It's a blessing for quickies especially since our lives are busy at the moment, but not so much for longer sessions. I've tried jacking off like a day to at least a few hours before sex but I end up not being horny enough to keep the erection going. Tried edging but it just made me unbearably horny and uncomfortable. How do you guys keep going for long sessions?

Im 41, and I have to be honest; I missed the train when it comes to dating and mostly spent my time with hook ups and one night stands, and im not quite sure how to meet new people in other ways.

For context, I live in a third world country and I noticed that as I got older, I meet less and less guys around my age, most just leave at 30 or get married with children (Like seriously, almost half my buddies are bi and married). I dont really like hooking up with people around their 20's which is pretty much abundant, and just now im starting to feel the rejections due to my age.

A friend of mine invited me to visit portugal and check the local scene. Im not used to doing those kinds of things, my country's scene is very muted and even the community has issues trying to raise awareness, though its not dangerous as most make you believe, it is a society that build alot of shame onto people.

My concern is im struggling to get the courage to do these kinds of things, I feel like I owe to myself to ateast try, im plannig to visit him next year around June, in the meantime, im trying to see what can I learn.

Hey bros -

I’m a 42 year old guy, and I’ve been increasingly curious about men over the past year or so. I’ve been “straight” for my entire life, but something has definitely shifted as I’ve entered my forties.

I haven’t done anything to really explore yet, but I’m thinking about booking a long weekend at a gay resort in Palm Springs. I just want to see how I feel hanging out in a gay space (but I wouldn’t mind meeting some fun, sexy guys either!)

I live in LA so it’s a pretty easy trip for me. But I wanted to see if others have stayed at these places, what’s the vibe like, what can I expect? Do you think guys will mind an inexperienced curious guy being there?

So on the whole I'm in a good spot and I'm happy. But there are nights where I have this gnawing doubt about the way my life is going, and I want to get it out and see how other folks have moved on. Mostly a rant but also looking for similar experiences.

I broke up with my then-partner of three years about six months ago. I felt great about the decision and about life until maybe a few weeks ago.

He was amazing when we got together. He was supportive when I was really ill and had good conversations about how we were doing and what our issues were to resovle. But over time, he got less charming and less caring. It started off as just being really snappy over when I'd done something he didn't like or if I was taking too long to get ready. It grew into hostility and anger if I did things the way he didn't like them, like how I dressed or even how I booked train tickets (on the wrong app, apparently). We were in a good spot when we moved in together and I thought we'd sorted out those issues, but over time they crept back in. If I left dishes unwashed he'd get angry and insist I was trying to "make a point", which he wouldn't explain. If I didn't do something he told me to do, I needed to grow up and start acting like an adult. If I wasn't sure about spending loads of money on a type of holiday he wanted but I didn't, well, maybe we were just too different and we needed to think about our future.

Over time it just grew into insults and constant swearing. If I said I was tired after a day out, he just wished he had my problems and I needed to be less pathetic. If I didn't have time to run to shops to buy something he asked for, I was a lazy cunt. If I said he needed to switch on a bit more because he almost broke my laptop or because he dropped my glasses down the toilet, I was told to fuck off. It escalated until he swore at me in front of his parents, and he was shouting and swearing at me because I'd hung some washing up in a way he didn't like.

I know I'm not perfect. But every time I said I hated how he spoke to me when he was angry and explained it made me feel shit, I was too sensitive, or too serious, or too naive, or needed to grow a pair - because this is normal. I tried compromising, I tried being patient, I tried being vulnerable, I tried my best not to upset him but you can't do that with someone who will flip out over how you jang up washing or who wont respect you enough not to swear at you in front of their parents. here were other issues in our relationship that weren't perfect but that was when I had to end it and what I ended it over.

I don't think it is normal and I don't regret leaving him. It was the right decision and nothing changes that. But I live alone now and some evenings I find myself anxious and apprehensive about the future, not knowing if I'll be single forever or find someone else. My last big breakup was when I was 24, and we never lived together nor was it as long of a relationship. And knowing it's all on me right now, and the house is so quiet and the bed sometimes feels so big and so empty, while the dating pool feels so small now. I sometimes wonder if maybe I didn't try hard enough or if I was too sensitive, and I find myself missing him even though I wasn't happy with him - I small part of me wanted to reach out and ask about trying again even though I know I don't want that and it would be a terrible idea.

I hate that. I know breaking up was the right choice. I wasn't ever going to be happy with someone who treated me like that. And I'm annoyed at myself that I'm feeling this way, now, after six months of feeling pretty great about life.

So my question is: Has anyone else felt this way a good while after a breakup, and if so, what did you do to get back to moving on?

Hey everyone,

I’ve been a bottom for years, but recently I unlocked a completely new experience: true anal orgasms. During sex, my anal muscles start contracting completely on their own for a few seconds, and the pleasure is next-level. It’s been an absolute game-changer.
However, I haven't quite figured out how to trigger it reliably. Right now, it's pretty hit-or-miss and seems very tied to position. I can almost only get it to happen when I'm lying on my stomach.

I’m trying to understand the physical side of it better so I can experience it more often and expand my options. For the guys here who have unlocked this:
What is the secret to getting this to happen in other positions, like cowboy or missionary?

Is it mostly about finding the right angle for prostate stimulation, or is it more about a specific rhythm and deep relaxation?

I'd really appreciate any insights, techniques, or advice you can share based on your own experiences.

Thanks in advance!

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting here and I’ve had a lot on my mind since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.

He’s 33, I recently turned 30, and we were together for about a year and five months. Throughout our relationship, we faced several challenges, including my unemployment making it difficult to spend quality time together. During our relationship, I discovered he had been cheating on me with multiple men on Sniffies for months. We broke up briefly but eventually reconciled. He suggested I move in with him so we could spend more time together and rebuild our relationship.

Initially, things were great. We cooked together, had friends over, enjoyed physical intimacy, and built a routine together. About a month later, I lost my job and he took on much of the financial responsibility. His frustration increasingly turned into berating and yelling at me and his infidelity continued. I ended up agreeing to an open relationship even though I knew deep down that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I was afraid of losing him and wanted to keep him happy but it ultimately backfired.

After a particularly difficult period, he came home to find me drunk and upset at home in bed and he ended the relationship. Since then, I’ve been struggling immensely. I constantly check Sniffies and see him at different men’s houses which makes it incredibly difficult to move on. He’s also updated his profile to say he’s looking for a “dad to worship” and describes himself as a “son.” Since I’m smaller in stature and generally considered a twink, I can’t help wondering whether I was ever what he truly wanted physically.

We still communicate and he tells me he loves me but he’s also said his life is much calmer without me. That really hurt me especially when we once called each other life partners and I genuinely believed we were building a future together. Part of me still wants to fight for the relationship because of how significant he was in my life even though I know I can eventually fall in love again.

I’d appreciate any advice or perspective. I think I also just needed a place to vent.

Top here. I was fucking a guy he was on the tighter side but nothing that seemed to extreme. When I came I initially felt the usual good feelings, then it felt super painful. I pulled out, continued to cum some more and then went to wipe up a bit and saw blood. I initially thought I had tore him and asked him if he was ok and he was totally fine. I looked down and saw more blood and assumed he had torn, but no all good. He said is it you, and I looked and it was! Basically had blood gushing out my dick like a nose bleed. TOTALLY freaked out, both of us, he wanted to leave (don't blame him) as this was just a hook up.

Continued to have dick 'nose bleed' for about 30min before it slowed down. I immediately got on the phone with DR office nursing line, went to urgent care. Bleeding stopped but was peeing blood at this point. Did UTI test, negative, STI negative, urgent care told me that it is likely a burst blood vessel. I have never heard this could be a thing!? Basically like bloody nose, to much ruff sex/trauma, or to much sex, or to little, was how they explained it.

I got a referral to a urologist. Plan on following up there, but they seemed like it was not a big deal, but never having this or even heard it can be a thing it's obviously terrifying to see blood gushing out your dick.

The bleeding has slowly stopped but I am terrified to try jerking off or ejaculate again. Yes I will talk to my mental health provider to work thru this.

Have any other gaybros here experienced this type of burst blood vessel thing? How long did it take to heal? When were you safe to return to normal without re-injury? Was it just to ruff that caused it or something else? None of my gay friends have even heard of this so it's kinda freaky. If anyone has gone thru this anything that I should be asking the urologist?

Hey bros, my lovely partner is very tight down there, which unfortunately causes some issues when we’re getting intimate. I am doing a fare share of foreplay, rimming and fingering, but it still doesn’t help much. I’m also penetrating them very slowly which takes a few minutes at least so he can adjust, but even then I feel how tight he is there, so if I do some quick move like pull out later it still causing pain for him. Have you ever faced something similar or maybe have some advice? Would really appreciate it as I’d like us both to enjoy sex.

Hey everyone. I’m looking for others who’ve been through this, or are in it right now.

My mom knows I’m gay. It’s not a secret and it’s not new information. But she hasn't accepted it, and that’s gotten more complicated now that I’m in a relationship.

What “not accepting” looks like in my situation is that she still thinks it's a phase and I'll come around.

It’s hard because I love them (somewhat) and want them in my life and I feel stuck between two sides of my life.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been here:

* Did your parents ever come around? What changed, and how long did it take?

* How did you handle holidays and family events with your partner?

* Did you set boundaries? What worked, and what backfired?

* If they never came around, how did you make peace with that?

* How did it affect your relationship, and how did your partner cope?

Thank you for reading.

My ex from over a decade ago liked me on Tinder so I liked him back just out of curiosity of what he would say or do.

He messaged me and said “I know you hate me and I get that and respect it. I just wanted to say that I hope you’re well and I’m still sorry I hurt you.”

To sum it up, he lives in my state but about two hours away. We met before we even had our licenses, let alone cars. we had a bit over 3 years of on and off relationship virtually, and then we finally met in person and we were more or less in a relationship again without the title. He went and slept with his ex while we were actively pursuing each other and that broke me. He also followed up this action with “I fell out of love with you” and all sorts of nasty things. Then a month later texted me that he didn’t fall out of love and that he made a mistake. I never answered from then and this is the first contact we’ve made since. There’s so much more to it, but that’s the gist. That was over a decade ago.

I’ve been thinking about it all day and there are many paths my life took because he did what he did all those years ago. It’s been over a decade. I’m certainly not the same person that he did that to. I don’t need there to be bad blood, but it’s definitely not an invitation back into my life. What he did was not okay in any way and it broke my heart but in the bigger picture it was a moment of growth for me and that’s how I choose to view it because any other way gives him the power still. I can give grace but still maintain boundaries.

I replied back saying “[insert name here], it’s been so long that any hate I may have felt for you since then, is no longer there. Thank you for the apology. I am doing well, and genuinely, I hope that you are also.”

I’m not expecting a response, but it feels good to me that I’m able to leave things amicably with someone who once did me wrong so long ago. I just can’t help but wonder if this is truly growth or if I’m just being naive? Should I have never swiped him back and should I have just told him to fuck off and unmatched him?

I said to myself that I’d open that door just to see what happened, and this is what happened.

What are your thoughts?

Hi, guys—I am brand-new here and specifically joined to ask this group for advice on how to make an open marriage work.

For context: my husband and I (both early 40s) have been together for over a decade and officially married for the past few years. Our sex life has long tapered off and we’ve been in and out of couples therapy for several years now even before marriage to try to fix the fissure our lack of sex had caused. Overall, we’re at a good place now, but we’re still not really having sex and recently my husband has told me he either wants an open marriage—or a divorce. He says he doesn’t want to cheat on me and violate our marriage, which is why he would rather divorce if I won’t consent to opening things up. Therapy has taught me that I’m an “anxious attachment“ and I’m sure that fear of abandonment is a big reason why I’m not keen on an open marriage, but I’m also being told by my husband that it’s unreasonable for me to not be like the majority of gay couples who are fine with being open. I don’t want to break up my marriage over this because I am in love with this man and our life together, so now I’m seriously giving thought to agreeing to an open marriage just for the sake of keeping him.

I guess what I’m asking for help navigating is:

• How did you—folks in open marriages, particularly those partners who initially hesitated to enter one—come to terms with doing it, and how has it worked out for you?
• What is the best way to begin approaching an open marriage?
• How do you define your boundaries, and how do you ensure they are respected by your partner?
• What advice would you give me on this situation?

I’m also open to hearing from anyone who has had negative experiences with trying an open marriage, so I can take in perspectives from all sides. And if anyone out there thinks I’d be better off getting the divorce under these conditions (which I don’t think would leave us hating each other and cutting ourselves out of one another’s lives completely) please feel free to tell me why.

I don’t really have a community or tight-knit circle of gay friends I’d feel comfortable talking to about all of this, and because we live in a small town, I’d worry that people would gossip. So I’m sincerely grateful to anyone out there in this subreddit who is willing to take the time to share thoughts with me.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Some background - I was with my (now 36M) ex-boyfriend (now 39M) for 3 years, and we broke up 6 years ago. He was my first out and open relationship. I loved him very much and had thought we would get married. It did not end well because he cheated on me. Right before the end of our relationship, I followed him to a new city for his job. I think that at the time, he ultimately ended up hating that new job, and his infidelity was a way of blowing up his life. This destroyed me and I was very sad for several years. Needed lots of therapy and did work on myself.

Fast forward to now - I still sometimes look at his social media. And I’m genuinely happy he’s happy. His new partner does look a bit like me (LOL) and based on some stalking, he’s even younger, I’m guessing a 12-13 year age gap (26M?). In some ways, I think this adds to the fact I dodged a bullet. But for having loved him for so long, it really brings me joy to see him in love now. I just want the best for him.

How many of you still look at your ex's socials? And did seeing them finally help you move on, or do I need more therapy?

I find myself in a situation where I have been having play dates with my bud now for a few years. He is in an open relationship. The sex started early, years before our friendship had developed to where it has now. It feels good. TOO GOOD! And it's probably holding me back from launching myself in to seeking dates with all my energy when I have this man as a sexual outlet. I'm considering cutting the intimacy off.

Doesn't help that he smashes my prostate like a professional and our sexual chemistry is ridiculous. 🫣🫣

I'm fairly sure about what I am going to do but I wondering what you guys think about this kind of situation.

I’m 40 and dating a guy (39) I’ve developed real feelings for.

Things are good in many ways, but lately I’ve been questioning whether we’re experiencing this relationship in the same way. I’d appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from people who’ve been in similar situations.

When we’re together, it feels like we’re a couple. We’re affectionate, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and spend time together. When we’re apart, he’ll ask if I want to talk or watch a movie, so he does make an effort to stay connected.

However, he’s never actually told me he likes me, expressed his feelings very directly, or asked me to be his boyfriend. We also haven’t really sat down and talked about what we’re doing or what we both want from this.

Something I’ve noticed is that he’ll sometimes talk about guys he was interested in before and say things like “I really liked him” or “I was so attracted to him.” He’s never been that open about his feelings toward me, and I can’t help noticing the difference.

Another issue is planning. We’re about to spend a few days together, and he hasn’t really asked about logistics or what we might do. In the past, I used to get excited about planning our time together, finding things to do, and coming up with ideas. Lately, though, I’ve started feeling a little embarrassed bringing things up because I often get a “yeah, sounds good” response without much input or enthusiasm.

Today, I texted him something along the lines of: “Hey, our time together is coming up. Think of something you’d like to do, and I’ll do the same, and we can come up with some fun plans. Of course, we can also stay home and relax.”

He didn’t respond to that message, but he replied to the next one I sent, which was asking about his day. This happens fairly often. He seems to decide which messages he wants to respond to and which ones he’ll leave unanswered, even when I’m trying to discuss something relevant to both of us.

We’ve talked a little about this before. He told me that in a previous relationship, he used to be much more detailed and involved in planning, but he ended up feeling like a tour guide. He said that experience made him change how he approaches things now. I can understand not wanting to repeat a dynamic where you feel responsible for entertaining someone, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m the only one putting thought into our time together.

It’s not just the planning, either. I’ve realized how much I value small, thoughtful gestures. Recently, I mentioned wanting to buy an item. The next day, he sent me a picture of the same product he’d bought for himself. For a moment, I thought he’d remembered our conversation and bought one for me as a surprise. Obviously, he hadn’t, haha.

It was a small thing, but it made me realize that I’d love to have someone who sees something, thinks of me, and does something thoughtful just because they want to make me happy. Nothing expensive or elaborate. I want to feel that someone thinks about me when I’m not around, the way I find myself thinking about him.

I tend to be the one who plans things, thinks about surprises, and looks for ways to make him feel special. He does make time for me, and I don’t want to overlook that. But I sometimes feel like I’m the one trying to move things forward, while he’s happy to go along with whatever I suggest.

I’m 40, and at this point, I value consistency, mutual effort, and being able to communicate openly about what we want. I’d be very happy if he asked me to be his boyfriend, but I’d also want us to have an honest conversation about expectations and what we both need from a relationship.

I genuinely like him, and there are good things between us. I’m not ready to walk away, but part of me is starting to wonder whether I’m investing in the potential of this relationship more than in what it actually is.

For those who’ve been in similar situations, how did you handle it? Could his behavior be a result of past relationship experiences and a more passive approach to dating, or am I overlooking a lack of investment because I like him?

Have you ever been with someone who was affectionate and present when you were together but didn’t really take initiative outside of that?

I’d appreciate honest perspectives from people who’ve been on either side of this dynamic.

I’m starting to date again and been leaning into coffee dates more. I’ve always see them as way to see if the other person is interesting enough to see if you want to do something more intimate like a dinner.

For example I just came back from one and while I didn’t feel “romance” per se, the other person was interesting enough that I’m planning on asking him out again on something that’s more intimate. My friends say otherwise and say you should feel sparks. I don’t necessarily disagree but being in older - I choose to be more intentional about leaning in.

I saw a similar question posed on another sub but it was primarily women who mentioned safety so I’d love to get thoughts from other 30+ gays.